Sweet Grace: From the journal pages of Furls Fire

Post by **peter** » Wed Sep 24, 2014 12:13 pm

Gosh, that is both beautiful and poignant.

Post by **Obi-Wan Nihilo** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 12:45 am

Furls Fire wrote:Saturday, January 1, 1983 3:46 am

Morning. Glorious morning! A new year begins and I am so in love! At midnight, Russell Hammon got down on his knee and held a ring up to me and said, “Be mine in all ways.” Now, me being me, just stared at him. Stared at him and began to bawl. We always knew we would marry some day. Always knew. But, to have him actually ask, actually speak aloud his desire to make me his wife, was more than my heart could contain.

I said, “we were going to wait until after we graduated college.” That’s right; I didn’t say “yes” I said that [in the hand-written journal entry, she drew an arrow pointing back to that quote] instead. He laughed and said simply, oh so simply, “I can’t wait.”

I knelt down in front of him and shook as he put the beautiful ring on my finger. “It’s white gold.” He said.

I laughed as I flung my arms around his strong neck. “We will be unbreakable.” He whispered in my ear.

“Unbreakable.”

Sleep doesn’t come to me. I look at my ring finger and the ring encircling it with its shining gem reflecting the moonlight streaming in through my window. When did I become a woman? I have always been a girl, a child, but look at me…I am a woman. No, an engagement ring doesn’t make me a woman; it’s the feelings, the pulse of my heart, the deep, mature, immersion into love. It’s the way I look at him and he at me. The way he touches me, the way he kisses me, the way he enfolds me completely. It’s a soul thing. A soul enveloped completely into another. An intertwining of energy, emotion, aura…we will become a magnificent color, a light force so blinding that the blind will have to squint when looking at us. Russ is the true love of my life, will be for all of my life. Even if one of us goes Home before the other, the love will remain strong and beautiful and of the soul.

We are unbreakable.

Russell, I adore you. I will hold you and keep you and never love another as utterly as I love you.

It's so selfish of me to ask this of you Firedaughter, but maybe you need me to ask it:

More. Please. Your Mom's voice, her heart, is something that the world still needs to hear and feel. Please share more of it with us, when you can, as you can.

Post by **Savor Dam** » Mon Oct 27, 2014 5:33 pm

Yes, please.

Post by **Fire Daughter** » Tue Oct 28, 2014 1:21 pm

Ask and ye shall receive.

It may not be until Sunday or so, we are getting ready for our annual Halloween party for the HIV/AIDS families. We have done this since I was 9 years old and feel it important to continue one of Mom's favorite yearly events.

This year...the house is being transformed into Elsa's Ice Castle... "Let it go...."

Post by **Obi-Wan Nihilo** » Tue Oct 28, 2014 6:53 pm

Fire Daughter wrote:Ask and ye shall receive.

It may not be until Sunday or so, we are getting ready for our annual Halloween party for the HIV/AIDS families. We have done this since I was 9 years old and feel it important to continue one of Mom's favorite yearly events.

This year...the house is being transformed into Elsa's Ice Castle... "Let it go...."

I don't have a problem in the world taking a backseat to something that worthy and wonderful. Thanks for your kindness.

Post by **Fire Daughter** » Sat Dec 06, 2014 3:47 pm

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the delay in posting more of Mom's journal, it has been a nutty month and a half around here! We all just got back from New York for the RED campaign's Time's Square concert. World AIDS Day was also one of the annual events Mom devoted herself to participating in. This year, Bono extended an invitation to us to join him and U2 at the concert, we were so sorry to hear about his accident and disappointed he was not there, but we so enjoyed all the other superstars that sang in his stead. It was an amazing concert and we all took part in the benefit events that were happening in New York this year. This is actually the first time our family spent WAD in New York, we are usually in San Fran or Portland. It was an amazing experience. At the Quilt unveiling, Jordan and Micah both spoke of losing their mother to AIDS and I stood up and spoke about Uncle Steve, Isaiah and Alex. Their portion of the Quilt was not at the New York site, however, as it is on display in San Fran. On our last night there, we all went and saw Mom's favorite musical...The Phantom of the Opera at the Majestic...what an amazing experience!!! We sat under the Chandelier and had to sign waivers so that if it malfunctioned during the crash scene and we were hurt that we wouldn't hold the theater or the production company liable....Hahaha!!

Anyway...I'll post a journal entry in the next day or two...I promise!! Christmas is in full swing here on the Mountain!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Post by **Obi-Wan Nihilo** » Sat Dec 06, 2014 4:31 pm

It sounds like you have had a busy month and more. Thanks for the update and God bless!

Post by **Fire Daughter** » Sun Dec 07, 2014 6:15 pm

Here we go...sorry it took so long. This one is from August 2009, a few days after Alex passed.

I feel close to explosion

It's hard to read...

Post by **Furls Fire** » Sun Dec 07, 2014 6:17 pm

August 9, 2009: Sunday, 1:26 am

There’s a moment in heartache when the grief consumes a soul down to its cell membranes, what love creates and takes and crushes is like a crashing against the boulders by giant waves. The highs and lows of it destroy equilibrium in such a way that the world spins sideways. I am unable to comprehend deep loneliness; I do not know how it feels to be utterly without. Were I submerged in that despair for any length of time I am unsure I would survive.

Alex came too late to us.

I am told by many how untrue that is, but the equilibrium throws me off. The deep unrest of my lack of awareness staggers my steps and I am folding and spinning and reeling and weeping. It’s hard to breath in the act of weeping, gulping down tears as from a jug being poured down your throat. I am unable to swallow down this reality. What good did I actually do?

The Mountain sighs at it receives them, all of them, and the graves are growing…too many graves. The granite will soon overrun the grass. Their domed tops protrude up out of the snow as if they were markers in a mine field. I feel close to explosion.

Jesus, I miss my brother. I miss his wisdom during these losings. I miss his eyes, smile, voice, hair…I miss the look he would give me when I spoke of my failings, my weepings, my grief. I miss his tears washing over me while he held my shuddering close to his chest. I miss his laughter, his hands, his heart.

There is solace in the knowledge that my brother now holds Alex’s hand and leads him to the Light.

Post by **Obi-Wan Nihilo** » Sun Dec 07, 2014 9:12 pm

Thank you. She strikes right at the heart of it, doesn't she?

Post by **peter** » Mon Dec 08, 2014 10:58 am

Thankyou for posting Fire Daughter.

Post by **Savor Dam** » Mon Dec 08, 2014 7:05 pm

Yes, that is really hard to read...to read and to let the memory of that time come flooding back.

Furls was not too late for Alex. While we don't have much from him, seventy-some posts over a couple months, it is clear from beginning to end that Furls made a tremendous difference for him.

If I may take the liberty:

On 7/25/09, Furls Fire wrote:You must know, tho. Quitting is not an option for me...And even if the world was suddenly flooded with people who could do what I do, even if our numbers increased 10,000 fold, we would still be grossly outnumbered. The lost, the sick, the hurt...they are too many to count. And there are groups out there, and the lucky ones are helped by them. But they are so few, and so over capacity, because there are just too many lost souls, too many...too too many....

If I were more than I am...I would find all the lost and bring them here. That is what I wish I could be.

She put everything she had into being who she was.
The lives she changed extend far beyond those of the lost, sick, or hurt.
We who still hold her light are testament to that.

Post by **Linna Heartbooger** » Thu Dec 11, 2014 8:06 am

Surely there is some sweet loveliness in what you just posted, Torch-Bearer, Daughter-of-Flame!

I miss his eyes, smile, voice, hair…I miss the look he would give me when I spoke of my failings, my weepings, my grief. I miss his tears washing over me while he held my shuddering close to his chest. I miss his laughter, his hands, his heart.

A brother is so dear! <3

There is solace in the knowledge that my brother now holds Alex’s hand and leads him to the Light.

...and Jesus, that Light - a man so gentle yet fearfully awe-inspiring - is so good, so kind.

I often find that the ones who question whether they're doing enough are the same ones doing great things...

Post by **Fire Daughter** » Wed Feb 25, 2015 2:40 am

"Sweet loveliness" indeed, Linna!

The twins will be two in a couple of days! They are talking and singing. They are inseparable. Where one goes, the other is not far behind. They are such happy children.

And I swear they see their grandmother. There are times when they just stop what they are doing and stare at a wall, or at the base of the staircase, or out the window..and they light up. They call out the word "Nana" and giggle.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! And I will try to post another one of Mom's journal entries soon. And maybe even one of Uncle Steve's. It's been awhile.

Post by **deer of the dawn** » Wed Feb 25, 2015 2:51 pm

Nice to hear from you, Daughter.

Fire Daughter wrote: The twins will be two in a couple of days! They are talking and singing. They are inseparable. Where one goes, the other is not far behind. They are such happy children.

Already!!! Time does fly. Looking forward to a journal entry.

Post by **Fire Daughter** » Sat Dec 12, 2015 2:03 pm

Wow, I can't believe that it's been such a long time since the last time I posted. The world spins so fast and the years just seem to wiz by us. Tracie and Xander are growing and growing, they continue to awe me as they drink in the world around them. Myles and I are so blessed. We are expecting another child the end of May. Stevie says it's a girl.

Hope all is well with all of you. I've missed you all! Will try and post more often, but life is a wonderful chaos right now.

Have a wonderful holiday season and God bless you all!

Post by **Savor Dam** » Mon Dec 14, 2015 2:27 am

Thank you for coming by with an update on the growing twins...and the growing family. Congratulations!

You are missed here, so your post adds joy to the season. You've other priorities that are rightfully higher, but don't be a stranger.

Also, when you can manage it, I echo deer's request for sharing from the journals. Please.

Post by **Cord Hurn** » Sat Dec 19, 2015 6:41 am

What a great thread this is! Thank you for all your effort, Fire Daughter!

Post by **Cord Hurn** » Sat Jan 16, 2016 8:46 pm

Furls Fire wrote:Friday, August 15, 2003 11:23pm
From Stephen:

Breath of life inhaled, a fanfare of angel-song
proclaims your coming, the beginning moments of you.
God’s gracious gift. How precious you are!
my soul rejoices, carols its welcome to yours,
my heart dances to your sweet music.
you hold all the secrets within you.
light of Heaven aglow with the nimbus
of joy you evoke to enshroud us,
affirm us, bring us hope.

Very nice! Makes me appreciate the life we've got while it's still here. Reminds me to count my blessings.

Post by **FireSon** » Sun Jan 17, 2016 12:47 am

My Uncle Stephen wrote that on the day my sister, Chelsea was born.

And yes, the baby is a girl. She will be radiant. Her eyes will be almost silver. And she will have the voice of a soft song bird.

She will be born 2 days after my twelfth birthday on May 3, 2016.

My mother told me all about her in a dream.

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

Sweet Grace: From the journal pages of Furls Fire