Corrupt a wish

[aTOMiC]

Blam! Tony the Tiger, Garfield and the Fantastic Four's the Thing all suddenly die from unknown causes. Due to this fact cereal sales plummet, the world's supply of lasagna grows to unmanageable proportions and Dr. Doom finally captures and kills Mr. Fantastic, The Human Torch and The Invisible Woman.

I wish there was a way to capture a scent the way one would take a photograph or record a sound.

[Sorus]

You are the inventor of Smellagram; THE must-have app of 2017. (Just sending everyone you know a picture of your lunch is so 2016.) Facebook wants to buy your technology; you're about to become a millionaire. The night before the big deal is finalized, your servers get hacked and over a billion smartphones detonate in a cloud of HD skunk. In the wake of your downfall, Apple tries to market iSmell, but the government quickly moves to completely ban the technology.


I wish dental work wasn't so expensive.

[aTOMiC]

Wham!

Dental care is free for everyone! But in order to provide the service at no cost no pain killers are administered and everything is performed by volunteers who quite enjoy watching people writhe in pain and scream. Dentists offices soon become associated with horror and at Halloween "The Dentist" becomes the most popular costume ever produced.

I wish people could fly like birds.

[deer of the dawn]

ZINNGGG!!!! People can fly like birds!! Fantastic flights of fantasy are taking place all over the earth! Climb Mt. Everest, what for? Just take wing and ride the jet stream there. Within 9 months, of course, everyone wants an upgrade of the experience. Strap-on accelerators are the thing. However, people being what they are (i.e. stupid) airborne collisions become a daily occurrence. Bodies drop continually, and non-computer-guided human flight is soon prohibited, along with protective body armor and helmets costing thousands. In short, it reverts to being the plaything of the wealthy, while computer-guided convoys continue to shuttle commuters between NY and LA and other metro hubs. People sure know how to ruin a good thing.

I wish for a hammock.

[Sorus]

You have a hammock. It's a really nice, comfy hammock. Except for the fact that it's suspended over a pool of hungry alligators. Relax. But maybe don't relax too much.

I wish faster-than-light space travel was a reality.

[aTOMiC]

You discover it and now faster than light travel is commonplace however its only flaw is that wherever you go, whenever you go there you arrive one second before you leave. It proves to be the most expensive and most pointless invention in history.

I wish someone would find real evidence of Bigfoot, Extra Terrestrials, The Loch Ness Monster and the Burmuda Triangle.

[Sorus]

You find real evidence of Bigfoot, Extra Terrestrials, The Loch Ness Monster and the Bermuda Triangle. Nobody believes it, but strangers stop you on the street to ask if you're 'that crazy Bigfoot guy'. They just laugh when you offer to show them the evidence.

Wait, wait, emergency edit. Mark two:

Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster are extraterrestrials who have a secret base in the Bermuda Triangle. They capture anyone who discovers them. Including you. You're now in a dungeon in their secret base.


I wish Holodecks were real.

[aTOMiC]

Holodecks suddenly appear all over the world offering a realistic escape from the drudgery of life without ever leaving one's comfort zone. Then Sony releases "Holodeck Home" and it becomes the most sought after Christmas present in history. Every home has one installed within a month. Then it happens. People begin to call in sick for work and eventually stop bothering to call in at all. Millions of deaths occur as first responders find people naked and starved to death lying in their holodecks with content, pleased expressions on their faces. Eventually no one bothers to do anything anymore. When the last functioning holodeck finally falls silent after the generators at the nearby hydroelectric plant malfunction, due to lack of maintenance, the last victim of holodeck technology passes to the next world leaving behind a quiet, concrete wasteland.

I wish spinach tasted like ice cream.

[Sorus]

Spinach tastes like ice cream. This attracts a new species of spinach-eating weevil that devours all the crops. Only a tiny amount of spinach survives to make it to the market, and it's prohibitively expensive. You could just eat regular ice cream, except that now tastes like spinach. Every flavor.


I wish I could be a successful author - not super-famous, but enough to quit my day job.

[aTOMiC]

You are now a successful author and quit your day job. Your book "The Thousand Broken Parrots" ascends to number 113 on the New York Times Best Sellers list and you sell enough books to cover your income for the next five years. But now there is enormous pressure from your agent and publisher for a sequel book. You refuse saying that you never look back and that you are working on a new book about a carrot that is pulled out of the ground too early. Your agent has you enter rehab for a drug addiction you didn't know you had. Finally your fleeting fame fades, your agent swindles you out of your savings and you end up having to get your old job back at half your original salary. Better to be a has been than no one at all you keep telling yourself as you break open a package of dry salt-less crackers and half a glass of water that you are forced to eat for your lunch.

Exerpt from The Thousand Broken Parrots by The Last Poster

Stop motion.
Andrew felt his hands become thick, moist and numb. His mind reeled at the thought of Jennifer leaving him for a man who had no dignity, no professional credentials.
I'm a doctor!
Andrew Jacob Watson was losing everything that mattered in his life and the world he knew suddenly became instantly un-solid, without the binding substance of reality. He unsteadily dropped to his knees, throbbing internally like the unsteady pulse of a lacerated heart beating out its last rhythm before the melody that sustained it expired. A man Andrew no longer recognized drifted to a place of darkness filled with indigo serpents bent on sinking their ebony fangs into the exposed and vulnerable flesh of his soul.

I wish everything I did was awesome to everyone else.

[Sorus]

You're walking down the street, and everyone you pass wishes they could walk down the street as awesomely as you. You stub your toe, and they all wish they could stub their toes as awesomely as you. You mutter profanity under your breath, and they all wish they could swear as awesomely as you. You walk into a coffee shop. "That's so awesome," the barista says. "I wish all my customers ordered coffee as awesomely as you." The other customers all leave, because they know they could never drink coffee as awesomely as you. You pick up a newspaper, and every article is about how awesome you are. You turn on the TV, and every channel is talking about how awesome you are. The world revolves around how awesome you are, and it's really starting to get old fast.


I wish I had a pet wombat.

[aTOMiC]

You have a pet Wombat. You read on Wikipedia that they are Crepuscular animals and that tickles the Stephen R. Donaldson fan in you. Having forgotten that the Wombat is a burrowing animal you leave your Wombat named "Babushka" free to roam you house when you aren't there. Babushka burrows through your floorboards in thirty-seven different locations and chews through your prized collection of hard back Stephen R. Donaldson novels. Now that the structural integrity of your house has been compromised the first strong wind that comes along topples the house destroying all of your possessions. Babushka burrows under the rubble and under the ground, making a left turn at Albuquerque, and then burrowing up through the floor of Westminster Abbey. Damn that crazy Wombat.

I wish I could buy back all of the guitars I've owned over the years.

[Cheval]

You can buy back all of your old guitars.
Problem is that the going price is 3.2 million dollars because
of the autograph,"Tom" written on the guitar bodies.
A few even have the signature, "Dan"!

Pull ups or Push ups?

[aTOMiC]

Poof you can do both pull ups and push ups at the same time but only once as your arms didn't evolve to move in two directions at once. Ultimately you are tempted to try it once more and end up in the hospital with two broken arms and butt rash.


I wish there was a way to get all the nutritional requirements a body needs by only eating chocolate chip ice cream.

[Sorus]

Your physiology is re-attuned for a diet that consists solely of chocolate chip ice cream. You're at the absolute peak of health and you've never felt better. But after a few weeks you're really tired of chocolate chip ice cream. You crave something salty or savory, but eating anything other than chocolate chip ice cream makes you sick.

I wish I could stay home from work the rest of the week.

[aTOMiC]

Boom just stay home. You deserve it. Its all good and nothing bad happens.

I wish I could sell all of the comic books I have, that I don't like, for 50 times what they are worth.

[Sorus]

You sell your unwanted comics for 50 times what they are worth. The buyer is a super-villain who needed the plots of those comics to finalize his plans for world domination. The economy collapses, and all the money you gained becomes worthless.


I wish they'd make good sequels to some of my favorite movies.

[aTOMiC]

Kblam! Hollywood fires all of its current producers, directors and screenwriters and hires only quality personnel. The resulting flood of talent and good ideas gives rise to the term "Best2nd" which refers to a trend of amazing sequels to some of the most beloved films of all time. However Michael Bay and Zach Snyder discover that your wish is responsible for each of them being expelled from Hollywood and they track you down and strap you to an unnecessarily large explosive device and threaten to unnecessarily blow it up along with you unless you take your wish back.


I wish there was another planet in our solar system that hosted a humanoid civilization like ours.

[StevieG]

Incredible!! There is another planet in our solar system that hosts a humanoid civilization like ours. In fact, they are very very similar in composition - nitrogen, carbon, oxygen, hydrogen - and their planet is remarkably similar to ours in size and distance from the sun etc. The slight (and huge) difference is that this civilization is content, and living in peace all the time. They are also smart and athletic (all the men are strapping 6 foot 5 balls of muscle, chiselled features, and the women are lithe and athletic), and they reproduce perfect children. The other interesting fact that we can't understand once we discover this civilization is that they never seem to age beyond what we'd call around 25 years of age. Their children grow from perfect specimens to around the age of 25, and then remain perfect for the rest of their lives. At about the age of 216, they voluntarily meld into an atmospheric swarm and become part of the protective outer ring of their planet. It is a known fact also that they then (eventually) become the children that are born generations later. And so, the cycle continues - stable population, super hot desirable people, no war, happiness, reproduction (more like recycling of the same bunch of people) and generally all-round slightly (but hugely) different to our civilization.

Of course, being who we are, this pisses us off, and we plan for decades a preemptive strike on this planet because there's been scaremongering for years about our safety, and what if they attack us, and why are they so bloody good-looking, and this should be STOPPED!! Dammit. So, eventually, when we've all but wiped out our own population, we decide to try an take over this other planet. Which of course, is a complete disaster - we don't even get past their protective outer ring of humanoids waiting to be reborn. All our missiles and ships just vaporise when we get within 100,000 kilometres of the ring.

Discouraged, we spend the next century or so fighting each other and eventually our planet dies. The good news is that this other civilization has known about us for centuries, and knew it was just a matter of time before we all killed each other. When this happens, they move in and duplicate their way of life - so there are millions of incredibly hot men and women on Earth, eventually...

I wish this report I'm avoiding would just write itself.

[aTOMiC]

Boom! Your report was written by itself. However, just like in that Seinfeld episode, when you boss reads it he has you committed for turning in an alarming diatribe that makes you seem insane and you never find out who actually wrote the report.

I wish I had a good tasting, edible donut right now.