(1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?
(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them.
(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"?
(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six.
(12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s".
(Scroll down for the answers)
ANSWERS:
(1) Boxing.
(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.
(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).
(5) Baseball.
(6) Strawberry.
(7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
(10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
(11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
(12) Lettuce.
(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say 'Open here'. What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- 'objects in mirror are closer than they appear', how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV 'set' when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does 'cleave' mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a 'building' when it is already built?
Why do they call them 'apartments' when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone 'draw a blank'?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
Why is the word 'abbreviate' so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
Why doesn't 'onomatopoeia' sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a 'near miss'? Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
1. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
2. If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
4. Why can't they use the material from the 'little black box' for the entire plane?
5. Why do you need a driver's license to buy beer if you can't drink and drive?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
8. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
9. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
11. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
24. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
Sign in London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -.25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF.
In a laundry, on each washing machine: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side door)
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In a hotel during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work)
In an office building washroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE!I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Some Funny Stuff
Moderator: Orlion
