He looked over his shoulder, Not for any particular reason, and he saw standing there a figure strangely familiar, and realized it was Kermit along with Miss Piggy. Then he remembered the injection of Sandgorgon DNA he had, and began to transform into Nom II, the Ultimate Sandgorgon! Who fell off the wagon, and had a shot of whiskey. Things were different compared to when he was a woman and at home in Kansas, before he travelled to OZ, where he met a wizard called Mundungus who did not appreciate his prejudice towards the giant singing cockroaches. (who sing no more after the attack by the famous Ur-Vile drag queen Molly, who owns a large, black Buick sedan that she always drives with a pink hat that must be older than dumb ol' Drool Rockworm, a one-hit wonder from the Swinging Sirens of Silence) Sirens? Things started getting crazy. Then they walked into such a terrible mess that they didn't know what to do with all of the Giant Squirrels, which were destroying all the jars of peanut butter that were stacked next to High Lord Kevin's Second Ward. When along came Amok who stopped this nonsense and instead lead the Lords to the cave of the Earthblood, where Foul was found, swimming naked. He told them that they were going to have to join him skinny dipping or he would destroy all the clothing they possess, rather than what they were wearing at the moment. They looked at a pile of their clothes, then the sky above darkened, and a rain of hairdryers socked their Willies in a
(
)(
)an electric outlet and poof Puff the Magic Dragon appeared and said: "Sorry, wrong story!"
The Lords awoke to find their staffs black and shrivelled in a heap beneath the One Tree!
"Oh well Darn it!," they whispered to themselves, "its not like we knew how to use the Total Perspective Vortex or whatever. Quick Sherman! The wayback machine! We want our staffs back! "
Foul feeling sorry gives them change for the bus ride. Later, at the bus station the Lords decided to become Elvis impersonators and perform at Carnegie Hall. They opened for the A*teens, who are ABBA's back-up.
"We want to earn enuff money to buy back our pants! WE WANT PANTS!"
And there was much rejoicing, and drug induced raving at that point, but then the cops showed up and took the drugs and other stuff and used them happily themselves, not realizing the hypocrisy of doing something totally ironic before learning to understand irony or philosophical and metaphorical backround of the indigenous people of....wherever.
The drugs wore off suddenly, and they woke not far from the mirror gate to Mordant, where substance abuse is rampant, and the women are all bearded and surly even though they have VERY large breasts. Five breasts to be exact.
"But who's counting?" he said.
The guy with six hands, whispered to the blind man, "A nod's as good as a smile, because it is a frown turned upside down."
And we all know a ("Rosebud,"said Foul, and died) hat from a handsaw, even though the rabid cabbages were happily eaten and enjoyed thoroughly!
Meanwhile, in downton New York, there was a lepers' demonstration and the streets were conspicuously full of Yoghurt Dudes who chanted the words to the tune of "Love Me Tender," and a rythmic drum beat reminiscent of Beatles' Ringo Starr - or Bobo the Bongo Player - or Gary the gangrene guitarist! (Who happened to run into Paul Peterson, the portly porter doing the Funky Chicken at the Great Wall of China.)
It says, "Made in Japan," written in flourescent tapeworm livers that glowed in the rain, and in the snow when his Husky hurt a paw on the obsidian shard buried under the small grassy knoll, where lurked a bizarre theory of that darn, blasted, bloody scene from the Seinfeld show.
(Which is on every Tuesday, with that soup nazi who says, "No bread for you! Until you've cleaned your room, and fed all the animals!"
And now a commercial break! From members at Kevin's Watch, now for the special low introductory price of ninety WGDs, you, too, can enter Revelwood and enjoy the world's greatest 'toad in the hole' ever.
"Yummm" you've never tasted anything like the'Pietten Special' roasted."
Having feasted he asked, "What?...Why am I being punished?" But knew the answer was due to his very strange inclination to collect little pieces of lint from under the floor of the jail house, where dwelled a huge one-eyed jack-of-napes named Oliver, whose favorite food was pickled toe nail clippings on toast.
(Which makes me quite hungry for a slice of rare Uranian Buttocks pie lighty seasoned and glazed with nostril drippings!!)
And now, a word from our sponsors, the company from the 634th layer of the Abyss.
"Damnation," cheaper than you think!!!"
Back on the range Oliver, grasped her hand tenderly and took a small bite of the inchoate melancholy of her soul, and was struck by a feeling of Deja-vue so incapacitating that he then turned tail and fled to the arms of another woman, who told him quite softly, "Please don't poke the lepers, they're subtle and quick to throw their arms around you. So hands off!" she screamed. And her hand fell off, and landed on his protruding membership card at the YMCA, where he ended up losing all the marbles he had! when they all rolled into angry mobs of jheherrin that covered you in mud that healed all your leprous wounds that made you not get a nasty little infection. However, it failed and he died! But was resurrected by Earthpower, unfortunately tainted by Lord Foul but cleansed by white gold which could possess each and came up screaming,
"Hellfire! I can't believe that this slimy ur-vile has soiled my best pumpkin which was given to....
(Some very minor grammatical editing involved for readability. My apologies to anyone I might have offended. No offense was meant.)
Vain started this story, coincidentaly, on January 1st. Wouldn't it be cool if we kept it going for all of 2003? OR would that just make us all incredible dorks?
Oh, well, I accepted the fact that I am an irremediable dork long ago, so I'll continue...
"my favorite fairy godmother..."
]
