24
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A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
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Loredoctor
- Lord
- Posts: 18609
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Well said, Dlb!-
A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 8890
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 6:48 pm
- Location: Southern WI (Madison area)
TOP 51 JB List. My fave is #38.
1 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
2 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
3 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
4 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
5 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
6 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
7 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
8 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
9 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
10 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
11 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
12 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
13 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
14 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
15 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
16 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
17 Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
18 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
19 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
20 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
21 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
22 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
23 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
24 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
25 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
26 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
27 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
28 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
29 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
30 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
31 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
32 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
33 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
34 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
35 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
36 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
37 When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
38 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
39 Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
40 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
41 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
42 Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
43 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
44 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
45 Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
46 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
48 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
49 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
50 Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
51 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
1 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
2 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
3 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
4 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
5 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
6 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
7 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
8 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
9 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
10 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
11 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
12 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
13 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
14 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
15 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
16 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
17 Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
18 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
19 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
20 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
21 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
22 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
23 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
24 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
25 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
26 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
27 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
28 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
29 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
30 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
31 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
32 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
33 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
34 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
35 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
36 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.
37 When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
38 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
39 Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
40 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
41 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
42 Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
43 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
44 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
45 Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
46 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
48 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
49 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
50 Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
51 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
"I use my gun whenever kindness fails"
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Loredoctor
- Lord
- Posts: 18609
- Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2002 11:35 pm
- Location: Melbourne, Victoria
- Contact:
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Loredoctor
- Lord
- Posts: 18609
- Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2002 11:35 pm
- Location: Melbourne, Victoria
- Contact:
Agreed.dlbpharmd wrote:Finished Season 5 the other night, and I think this season is definitely my favorite. Pres. Logan and his wife are may be the 2 best characters from the entire show.
Waddley wrote:your Highness Sir Dr. Loredoctor, PhD, Esq, the Magnificent, First of his name, Second Cousin of Dragons, White-Gold-Plate Wielder!
This is Stephen King's essay on "24" and the upcoming season. Minimal spoilage so be warned!
Spoiler
'24': So Good It's Scary
Even longtime viewers will be spooked by the new season's surprisingly real take on terrorism
By Stephen King
Most viewers of 24 will want to know one thing above all others: Is the upcoming season of Fox's groundbreaking experiment in serial TV (father of Lost, grandpappy of Heroes and Jericho) as good as last year? Let me put it to you this way: There are more thrills and suspense in the first four hours than most series can pack into a single season. Or an entire run of show, for that matter. I got those four episodes from EW Central Command and planned to dole them out over the course of maybe a week. Instead I ended up watching all of them that same night. Day 6 (at least so far) is like a book you can't put down...even though there are times when you may want to.
The reason is simple enough. This time the story spun out by Joel Surnow, Howard Gordon, and their co-conspirators seems, if not real, then dismayingly possible. Season 5, distinguished by Gregory Itzin as President Slimeball (and let's not forget Jean Smart as his long-suffering, screw-loosey wife), was almost extinguished by the creaking plot. Sentox? Really? It doesn't sound like nerve gas; it sounds like something you buy at the drugstore to combat athlete's foot or hide those embarrassing facial blemishes.
This time the threat — and no, I'm not going to tell you what it is — seems too plausible. When I got to the shocker that ends episode 4, I could understand Jack Bauer's expression of disbelief; it's a perfectly human reaction to what has just happened. And yet at the same time I'm sitting in my office chair and thinking, This could really happen. And at some point, it probably will. I suppose my reaction was intensified by having just finished Nelson DeMille's excellent novel Wild Fire, which deals with a similar scenario, but mostly it was that clear and persuasive sense of plausibility. 24 doesn't always achieve that, but when it does, it's the best thing on TV. Really, no one does the old ''We're surrounded by enemies!'' bit better than Fox. Bill O'Reilly's going to love this baby.
24 is a perfect example of why some serial TV works and some doesn't. The audience will come along for the ride, but it requires certain things as a quid pro quo. One is an element of believability (which ABC's Invasion never supplied). Another is what producers sometimes call ''a clear through-line.'' What this high-toned bit of jargon actually means is simplicity (NBC's Kidnapped threw that out in the first five minutes of its abortive run). Another is a high emotional temperature (which ABC's The Nine managed for exactly one week before lapsing into soap opera torpidity). Continuing stories have to run hot. How 24 has managed this kind of heat for six seasons is beyond me.
Last — and here's the genius part — continuing series must provide some degree of closure; the audience must feel they are getting somewhere. One of the reasons Lost may have suffered in the ratings this season (although suffering in TV is relative, and many struggling shows would kill to have Lost's ratings) is because it somehow misplaced that sense of things rushing toward some sort of conclusion. Even Fox's Prison Break (a column on this wonderful and hilarious show is forthcoming) provides that sense of closure; at the end of the first season, the main characters broke out of prison (well, duh). Now that the actual prison break's over, season 2 should be titled Show Me the Money.
I would argue that 24 is a genuine New Thing Under the Sun, not really a serial at all, but the world's first überseries. Each season is, in effect, a 24-week ''episode'' in the adventures of Jack Bauer...and while we're on the subject of Jack, let's not forget Kiefer Sutherland, who is now probably the best male actor on TV (although young Mr. Skeet Ulrich from Jericho is a comer).
24 also remains fresh, I think, because it is regularly watered by the blood of supporting characters — the sort who used to be considered eternal. This grisly but effective ritual began with the murder of Jack's wife, Teri Bauer (Leslie Hope), in season 1 and reached its apogee last year, when writers and producers knocked off lovable teddy bear Edgar Stiles (Louis Lombardi). And just when you thought there was no one else worth mourning...along comes another of these shockers this year.
Is 24 my idea of perfection in long-form TV? Indeed not. Just the most successful so far. That doesn't protect it from the occasional loopy plot twist (Kim Bauer and the cougar, case closed), the rather more frequent detour into the TV equivalent of Disney World (I couldn't believe who's president this time), or the sense — it usually sets in between episodes 16 and 20 — that the writers are stretching their material until it's almost thin enough to read a newspaper through. There's also a queasily gleeful subtext to 24 that suggests, ''If things are this bad, why, I guess we can torture anybody we want! In fact, we have an obligation to torture in order to protect the country! Hooray!'' Yet Jack Bauer's face — increasingly lined, increasingly haggard — suggests that extreme measures eventually catch up with the human soul.
One note to 24 writers and producers: Mary Lynn Rajskub (sulky as ever, but looking remarkably pretty this year) is still one of the best things about the show. So let me close by doing my best John Wayne imitation: ''If ya hurt the little lady, you're gonna answer to me.''
Even longtime viewers will be spooked by the new season's surprisingly real take on terrorism
By Stephen King
Most viewers of 24 will want to know one thing above all others: Is the upcoming season of Fox's groundbreaking experiment in serial TV (father of Lost, grandpappy of Heroes and Jericho) as good as last year? Let me put it to you this way: There are more thrills and suspense in the first four hours than most series can pack into a single season. Or an entire run of show, for that matter. I got those four episodes from EW Central Command and planned to dole them out over the course of maybe a week. Instead I ended up watching all of them that same night. Day 6 (at least so far) is like a book you can't put down...even though there are times when you may want to.
The reason is simple enough. This time the story spun out by Joel Surnow, Howard Gordon, and their co-conspirators seems, if not real, then dismayingly possible. Season 5, distinguished by Gregory Itzin as President Slimeball (and let's not forget Jean Smart as his long-suffering, screw-loosey wife), was almost extinguished by the creaking plot. Sentox? Really? It doesn't sound like nerve gas; it sounds like something you buy at the drugstore to combat athlete's foot or hide those embarrassing facial blemishes.
This time the threat — and no, I'm not going to tell you what it is — seems too plausible. When I got to the shocker that ends episode 4, I could understand Jack Bauer's expression of disbelief; it's a perfectly human reaction to what has just happened. And yet at the same time I'm sitting in my office chair and thinking, This could really happen. And at some point, it probably will. I suppose my reaction was intensified by having just finished Nelson DeMille's excellent novel Wild Fire, which deals with a similar scenario, but mostly it was that clear and persuasive sense of plausibility. 24 doesn't always achieve that, but when it does, it's the best thing on TV. Really, no one does the old ''We're surrounded by enemies!'' bit better than Fox. Bill O'Reilly's going to love this baby.
24 is a perfect example of why some serial TV works and some doesn't. The audience will come along for the ride, but it requires certain things as a quid pro quo. One is an element of believability (which ABC's Invasion never supplied). Another is what producers sometimes call ''a clear through-line.'' What this high-toned bit of jargon actually means is simplicity (NBC's Kidnapped threw that out in the first five minutes of its abortive run). Another is a high emotional temperature (which ABC's The Nine managed for exactly one week before lapsing into soap opera torpidity). Continuing stories have to run hot. How 24 has managed this kind of heat for six seasons is beyond me.
Last — and here's the genius part — continuing series must provide some degree of closure; the audience must feel they are getting somewhere. One of the reasons Lost may have suffered in the ratings this season (although suffering in TV is relative, and many struggling shows would kill to have Lost's ratings) is because it somehow misplaced that sense of things rushing toward some sort of conclusion. Even Fox's Prison Break (a column on this wonderful and hilarious show is forthcoming) provides that sense of closure; at the end of the first season, the main characters broke out of prison (well, duh). Now that the actual prison break's over, season 2 should be titled Show Me the Money.
I would argue that 24 is a genuine New Thing Under the Sun, not really a serial at all, but the world's first überseries. Each season is, in effect, a 24-week ''episode'' in the adventures of Jack Bauer...and while we're on the subject of Jack, let's not forget Kiefer Sutherland, who is now probably the best male actor on TV (although young Mr. Skeet Ulrich from Jericho is a comer).
24 also remains fresh, I think, because it is regularly watered by the blood of supporting characters — the sort who used to be considered eternal. This grisly but effective ritual began with the murder of Jack's wife, Teri Bauer (Leslie Hope), in season 1 and reached its apogee last year, when writers and producers knocked off lovable teddy bear Edgar Stiles (Louis Lombardi). And just when you thought there was no one else worth mourning...along comes another of these shockers this year.
Is 24 my idea of perfection in long-form TV? Indeed not. Just the most successful so far. That doesn't protect it from the occasional loopy plot twist (Kim Bauer and the cougar, case closed), the rather more frequent detour into the TV equivalent of Disney World (I couldn't believe who's president this time), or the sense — it usually sets in between episodes 16 and 20 — that the writers are stretching their material until it's almost thin enough to read a newspaper through. There's also a queasily gleeful subtext to 24 that suggests, ''If things are this bad, why, I guess we can torture anybody we want! In fact, we have an obligation to torture in order to protect the country! Hooray!'' Yet Jack Bauer's face — increasingly lined, increasingly haggard — suggests that extreme measures eventually catch up with the human soul.
One note to 24 writers and producers: Mary Lynn Rajskub (sulky as ever, but looking remarkably pretty this year) is still one of the best things about the show. So let me close by doing my best John Wayne imitation: ''If ya hurt the little lady, you're gonna answer to me.''
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A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 8890
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 6:48 pm
- Location: Southern WI (Madison area)
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onewyteduck
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 5453
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:02 am
- Location: On your wall!
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A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 8890
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 6:48 pm
- Location: Southern WI (Madison area)
-
onewyteduck
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 5453
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:02 am
- Location: On your wall!
-
A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 8890
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 6:48 pm
- Location: Southern WI (Madison area)
-
onewyteduck
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 5453
- Joined: Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:02 am
- Location: On your wall!
-
A Gunslinger
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 8890
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2004 6:48 pm
- Location: Southern WI (Madison area)