Win Wayfriend's Money

[wayfriend]

Continuing ...

- - - - - - - - - - -

The Amnion vessel Inexorable Formication was steadfastly patrolling the border of Amnion space. It was an Amnion defensive with very little capability - a passive defensive, really - and it was stuck out here in the least favorite part of Amnion space, near the humans.

It was relegated to this backwater because its decisive, Darc Cubicle, was really annoying. Cubicle was the unwanted product of a failed Amnion experiment, in which the Amnion tried to create a mime which could pass itself off as human. The result was a hideous creature, with half of a human face, and one side all pasty white. He retained the vestiges of verbal human communication, and so had a limited use to the Amnion. But still: he was damn annoying.

He was fully human once, until his ship was commandeered by clowns. They thought it would be hilarious to sell Cubicle to the Amnion for the secret to squirting lapel flowers. (They already knew how to make squirting lapel flowers - that was what made it funny.)

Darc was in his quarters, miming trapping clowns in a box, when the Inexorable Formication's sensors detected an incursion. Something human had resumed tard across the border into Amnion space.

- - - - - - - - - -

Flirtina awoke with a severe hangover. She found herself in a strange bed. Recent events were hazy. Then she saw that Dinky lay beside her, sleeping with a smile on his face, and it wasn't just painted on. Empty seltzer bottles lay scattered.

Groan.

She tried to escape the premises silently, but the clown woke up.

"Where ya goin', babe?"

"Uh... I got someplace I gotta be, so, you know ..."

"No, no. Stay. Make me some breakfast, girl."

"No way in hell I'm makin' anyone breakfast."

"Screw that, b-"

... well, suffice it to say that Flirtina takes no crap from any man, and Dinky is, well, clown crazy, and so about a minute and a half later they are exchanging blaster fire from opposite sides of Dinky's rumpled bed.

Suddenly, funny noises that passed for warning claxons warned that they were resuming tard.

Dinky threw himself out the door, tried to get away. Flirtina fired her blaster down the hall after him. Missed.

Then she used the bosoms. Lightning filled the passage, struck Dinky in the middle of the back, threw him on the floor of the passage. He lay there, centered in a big black fragmark.

Flirtina stepped on his ass with the heels as she headed to her ship. Teach him.

The Todds were screwing around in the hold when Flirtina collected them. They put on their clothes while they marched behind her back to the Tranquil Badonkadonk.

Where the secret UMCP communications device was delivering the following mesage.

THIS IS THE AMNION DEFENSIVE INEXORABLE FORMICATION.
MUTUAL SATISFACTION OF REQUIREMENTS IS ESSENTIAL FOR
CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF THE VERY WEIRD HUMAN VESSEL
WHICH HAS INCURRED A POSITIONAL DEBT TO THE AMNION DEMESNE.
WE DEMAND A SHRUBBERY. NO WAIT. WE DEMAND A CLOWN.
YEAH A CLOWN.

Flirtina smiled. Send in the clown.

She and her Todds went back to the clown ship, and picked up Dinky Clownface. He was coming to, but she didn't care. She dragged him to an escape pod, threw him in, sealed the door. Then she programmed the e-pod to take a course straight to the Amnion. When she was done, she pressed the eject button.

She felt like she had won.

Then she went to her cabin, to watch the e-pod on the big screen TV. When she turned on the Pod Channel, she watched with satisfaction as the e-pod travelled along a direct line from The Happy Elephant to the Inexorable Formication. Then she noticed how badly her nails needed work.

"Todd!"

- - - - - - - - - -

When Dinky came fully to, he found himself trapped in an escape pod. Looking out the window, he saw he was heading towards an Amnion defensive. He tried the controls; they were locked out.

Dinky mused: women; can't live with 'em, can't space 'em.

But no clown goes down without a laugh.

Dinky buckled in. Then he reached way down to the bottom of the pod. Found a piece of string. Pulled it.

Thhhppppptttttt....

- - - - - - - - - -

Looking up from her manicure, Flirtina noticed the escape pod changing it's trajectory. It flew left ... then right ... then up ... then down. Like a balloon which has become untied and let loose. Thhhppppptttttt....

The Amnion ship began firing at the escape pod. But it was too elusive. Amnion proton beams went in all directions.

The escape pod was visibly shrinking. Before it ran out of air, it crashed into The Hulking Elephant, was swallowed up inside a biosphere. Algae sealed the breach.

The photon fire stitched destruction across the hull of the Tranquil Badonkadonk. Parts exploded. Other parts fell off.

The air locks that connected the Tranquil Badonkadonk with The Happy Elephant were blown away. The ships drifted apart.

- - - - - - - - - -

To be continued ...

[wayfriend]

Continuing ...

- - - - - - - - - -

Dinky, tired, battered, and electrocuted, lurched into the command module of The Happy Elephant like a man whose only reason left to live was to get even with the woman who did this to him. He fell into the captain's chair, and got a damage report from the freaks. Things didn't look good; the ship was mostly destroyed, barely able to maneuver, and almost out of pie filling.

Dinky laughed.

Laughing, he reached into his shipsuit pocket and removed an item that looked like a remote control for some sort of device. Laughing, he placed it on the arm of the chair, in full view of the freaks.

When the freaks got it, they laughed too.

Dinky had a joke implant control.

Joke implants were highly illegal. But clownships had them in their stores, ostensibly in case of an emergency lack of humor. With a joke implant, you could make anyone funny. And whoever controlled the implant controlled the jokes.

Dinky had embedded a joke implant in Flirtina's brain while she was sleeping.

He laughed so hard his sides ached.

- - - - - - - - - -

Flirtina flung herself into the captains seat. It was time to take charge.

She got a Todd to bring her some chamomile tea and some truffles while she composed herself. That nasty Amnion ship! And it was still firing on her!

And the potpourri lasers would be useless against an Amnion vessel; those aliens had no sense for decor whatsoever.

It was time to pull out the "big gun". The weapon of last resort. A weapon so dire and so dangerous that even carrying it on the ship was wickedly reckless.

The Tranquil Badonkadonk was armed with a singlewoman grenade.

A quick check on the scanner showed that The Happy Elephant was heavilly damaged and leaking slime, and would be removed from the action for at least a while. So she ordered the Todds to fire the singlewoman grenade at the Amnion ship. Just as soon as could someone please heat up her tea.

- - - - - - - - - -

When the singlewoman grenade was launched, it hunted around for a minute, and then it zeroed in on the likeliest prospect it could identify. Then it latched on like a cheap suit. Soon after, a vortex of guilt and manipulation appeared, sucking its doomed mate into a fate from which it would never emerge. The victim fought for its life, pushing away, launching counter attacks. But before it had a chance, it was committed to a relationship it did not really want, and it disappeared into a black hole of despair, biological clocks, and cats.

So long, Inexorable Formication.

- - - - - - - - - -

On board the clown ship, the crew watched the Amnion vessel go to it's final dark.

Then the chick ship turned and unleashed wild potpouri laserfire at the clowns. The Happy Elephant began taking damage.

Like a man who was insane and could not stop himself from doing something naughty, Dinky laughed while he activated the joke implant control.

A pole telescoped out of the control, an arm was raised up on the pole, and a flag unfurled from the arm, saying "NEEDS BATTERIES".

The freaks laughed. Until Dinky slammed the control into the chair, shattering it.

"KILL HER!!!!!!"

The freaks did their best to turn their ship. Target the cream pie cannons on the chick ship. Fire.

They creamed all over it.

Covered in sticky mess, the Tranquil Badonkadonk veered out of control.

The chick ship was hailing them on the general comm channel. Flirtina appealed to Dinky, "Give me one more chance, baby! I can make it right. Let's hook up one more time, let me show you."

"Really?!?!", Dinky replied.

"Not on your ass," replied Flirtina. Then she launched a set of spike concussion missles which shred The Happy Elephant into its constituant particles.

- - - - - - - - - -

THE END

And the winner is ...

Spoiler

DukkhaWaynhim.

Because I flipped a coin.

[Cameraman Jenn]

Congrats! And nice work Wayfriend.

[High Lord Tolkien]

How does it work that he makes more money by giving it away?

[wayfriend]

I'm burned out. I'll post a new contest next Monday. I promised myself I would finish Fatal Musings: Thomas and Linden before year out, and try to finish part one of Nom's Garden, too. And then there's all the Christmas shopping ... oy vay.

How does it work that he makes more money by giving it away?

A philosophical question worthy of deep ponderings, my friend.

[High Lord Tolkien]

I'm burned out. I'll post a new contest next Monday. I promised myself I would finish Fatal Musings: Thomas and Linden before year out, and try to finish part one of Nom's Garden, too. And then there's all the Christmas shopping ... oy vay.

How does it work that he makes more money by giving it away?

A philosophical question worthy of deep ponderings, my friend.

I know, I was laughing as I wrote it thinking it was a Tank question.

[wayfriend]

My WGD wallet is bulging. I need to resume the contest. Tomorrow, I think (and hope).

[wayfriend]

Well, I have another 500, so here goes.

This Week's Contest

This weeks contest is to write a limmerick. A limmerick using one (just one) of the following words: crepuscular, puissant, formication, chiaroscuro, or medicament. But - yes - the word must be used at the end of a line, so you have to rhyme it with at least one other word.

For example,

• There once was a doudy aunt
  Whose hat was quite puissant
  It lept from her head
  And knocked quite dead
  Whomever that old lady should want.

As usual, audience participation is encouraged, necessary, and appreciated.

(Entries are accepted until I post the winner.)

[DukkhaWaynhim]

There once was a man named Vlad
who cursed and turned away from God,
he became quite muscular,
yet simultaneously crepuscular,
and developed a bit of a thirst for blood.

dw

[Cameraman Jenn]

There is no clear medicament
For the land and it's predicament
You'll find nothing here
Go to Glimmermere
and as long as you can you should soak in it.

[DukkhaWaynhim]

I once met a man at the Station
overcome with such trepidation
so with my zone implant remote
his fear I re-wrote
replacing it with a light formication.

[DukkhaWaynhim]

There once was a lass from Majuro
a self-made master of chiaroscuro
starting to paint at night
she worked until light
when she noticed her brush was a maduro


dw

[Cameraman Jenn]

DW posted rhymes that are recent
My inchoate anger is puissant
I'd chuck an egg at his head
for the things that he said
Had his verses not been actually decent....

[dlbpharmd]

DW posted rhymes that are recent
My inchoate anger is puissant
I'd chuck an egg at his head
for the things that he said
Had his verses not been actually decent....

[shadowbinding shoe]

I once searched a cure for my ailment,
To my thirst for a topic, a medicament.
I posted the question
To wayfriend in person.
He gave me the answer - like a saint!

[shadowbinding shoe]

I tried to write a limerick most puissant
I posted it as careful as a worker-ant
It didn't make a dent
There was in it a saint
Writing, I decided, good limericks I can't.

[dANdeLION]

The things you people do for money would make a prostitute blush.

[Cameraman Jenn]

There once was a man dANdelion
Who was jealous of all of us trying
Tried to be a ball buster
But came out crepuscular
And you all know that I sure ain't lying....

[dANdeLION]

Buster? Crepuscular? What exactly am I jealous of? Rhymes that aren't?

[Cameraman Jenn]