Win Wayfriend's Money

[wayfriend]

kevinswatch

Vice President of Uruguay Craptastic's Pornography

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose Ab Machine led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a Punching oneself in the face Whip, Covenant is magically transported to the Porn Shoppe, a beautiful, verdant country where his Ab Machine is cured. The Porn Shoppe is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Vice President of Uruguay Craptastic the Puissant. Covenant's gangrene-damaged Foot fungus identifies him with a legendary half-Foot fungused hero of the Porn Shoppe, and his white gold "The day I was finally free of lice" paper bag from the grocery store is a potent magical weapon against Vice President of Uruguay Craptastic. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised Puncher of the Porn Shoppe -- or its Kicker. However, despite the powerful evidence of his Pornos, Covenant is not convinced that the Porn Shoppe actually Verbally abuses.



aliantha #1

Ur-Lord Swarthy's Gerbil

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose submachine gun led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a lounge grapefruit, Covenant is magically transported to the old folks' home, a beautiful, verdant country where his submachine gun is cured. The old folks' home is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Ur-Lord Swarthy the Orange. Covenant's gangrene-damaged toenail identifies him with a legendary half-toenailed hero of the old folks' home, and his white gold a blue moon flak jacket is a potent magical weapon against Ur-Lord Swarthy. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised zinger of the old folks' home -- or its shrinker. However, despite the powerful evidence of his Watchers, Covenant is not convinced that the old folks' home actually hollers.



rdhopeca

Master Sublime's Buttock

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose race car led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a shadow dancing gibb brother, Covenant is magically transported to the Gated community, a beautiful, verdant country where his race car is cured. The Gated community is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Master Sublime the Sacreligious. Covenant's gangrene-damaged bottom lip identifies him with a legendary half-bottom liped hero of the Gated community, and his white gold anniversary your green guacamole is a potent magical weapon against Master Sublime. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised pisser of the Gated community -- or its moaner. However, despite the powerful evidence of his erasers, Covenant is not convinced that the Gated community actually wipes.


Mysteweave

Lord Bouncy's Bum

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose fruit led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a snorkeling nostril hair, Covenant is magically transported to the Asylum, a beautiful, verdant country where his fruit is cured. The Asylum is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Lord Bouncy the Raisin bran. Covenant's gangrene-damaged finger identifies him with a legendary half-fingered hero of the Asylum, and his white gold inauguration undies is a potent magical weapon against Lord Bouncy. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised slider of the Asylum -- or its smeller. However, despite the powerful evidence of his bushes, Covenant is not convinced that the Asylum actually feels.



aliantha #2

Ur-Lord Swarthy's Gerbil

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose bazooka led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a lounge grapefruit, Covenant is magically transported to the Garage, a beautiful, verdant country where his bazooka is cured. The Garage is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Ur-Lord Swarthy the Orange. Covenant's gangrene-damaged toenail identifies him with a legendary half-toenailed hero of the Garage, and his white gold St. Swithin's Day UnderArmor is a potent magical weapon against Ur-Lord Swarthy. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised zinger of the Garage -- or its shrinker. However, despite the powerful evidence of his Watchers, Covenant is not convinced that the Garage actually hollers.


Stonemaybe

Bishop Stinking's Cheese

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose delicatessen led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a rolling cider, Covenant is magically transported to the Bar, a beautiful, verdant country where his delicatessen is cured. The Bar is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Bishop Stinking the Lazy. Covenant's gangrene-damaged tongue identifies him with a legendary half-tongueed hero of the Bar, and his white gold funeral shades is a potent magical weapon against Bishop Stinking. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised imbiber of the Bar -- or its regurgitater. However, despite the powerful evidence of his cocktails, Covenant is not convinced that the Bar actually enhances.



Auleliel

Captain Voracious's Saucepan

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose stenographer led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a hypothesizing perfidy, Covenant is magically transported to the Elevator, a beautiful, verdant country where his stenographer is cured. The Elevator is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Captain Voracious the Cantankerous. Covenant's gangrene-damaged earlobe identifies him with a legendary half-earlobeed hero of the Elevator, and his white gold Ragnarok hoopskirt is a potent magical weapon against Captain Voracious. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised defenestrater of the Elevator -- or its screecher. However, despite the powerful evidence of his pylons, Covenant is not convinced that the Elevator actually sneers.



matrixman

President Lazy's Bottle

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose car led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a eating telephone, Covenant is magically transported to the House, a beautiful, verdant country where his car is cured. The House is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, President Lazy the Slimy. Covenant's gangrene-damaged neck identifies him with a legendary half-necked hero of the House, and his white gold blind date pants is a potent magical weapon against President Lazy. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised hurler of the House -- or its digger. However, despite the powerful evidence of his morons, Covenant is not convinced that the House actually jerks.



Cagliostro

Dr. Crusty's Tight Pink Pooper

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose Wankel rotory engine led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town. When he's hit by a Decapitate Man in ochre robe, Covenant is magically transported to the Purgatory, a beautiful, verdant country where his Wankel rotory engine is cured. The Purgatory is threatened with destruction by a demonic being, Dr. Crusty the El Chupacabra. Covenant's gangrene-damaged Uvula identifies him with a legendary half-Uvulaed hero of the Purgatory, and his white gold Mock-wedding Novelty tie is a potent magical weapon against Dr. Crusty. Covenant is fated either to be either the promised Spewer of the Purgatory -- or its Murderer. However, despite the powerful evidence of his Festering boils, Covenant is not convinced that the Purgatory actually Trips.

[wayfriend]

Now Vote! Or at least let us know if anything made you laugh.

[Auleliel]

Man, how to choose...
They all made me laugh.

[matrixman]

Man, how to choose...
They all made me laugh.

No kidding...I almost regurgitated a Ragnarok hoopskirt from laughing so hard!

Covenant is fated either to be either the promised pisser of the Gated community -- or its moaner. However, despite the powerful evidence of his erasers, Covenant is not convinced that the Gated community actually wipes.

I almost died from that. "The promised pisser!" And they don't wipe? Ewww.

Thomas Covenant is an embittered man whose submachine gun led both to the breakup of his marriage and to his treatment as a pariah by his small town.

He finally lost it and went Rambo, huh?

When he's hit by a snorkeling nostril hair, Covenant is magically transported to the Asylum

Okay, "snorkeling nostril hair" just might be the most disturbing piece of imagery to assault my mind in a long time. I think I'd end up in the Asylum too if I got hit by that.

When he's hit by a Decapitate Man in ochre robe

I can barely narrow my favorites to three: aliantha #1, rdhopeca and Mysteweave. Hard to vote for only one of them. Glad the decision is yours and not mine, wayfriend.

[aliantha]

Matrixman's commentary is funnier than the entries. Dude, I laughed so hard, I cried.

My favorite parts: rdhopeca's "pisser/moaner" combo, Cag's half-uvula, Auleliel's Ragnarok hoopskirt, and (she said modestly) my own St. Swithin's Day UnderArmor. But they're all funny. Good luck picking a winner, WF.

[matrixman]

I liked the St. Swithin's Day UnderArmor, too. It would've been great in your first entry, which to me was just a tad nuttier (i.e. funnier) due to the old folks' home.

[Menolly]

*just sticking my head in to congratulate wayfriend on his Watchy for this thread. it is well deserved*



...still pondering the madlib choices...

[Sorus]

I don't think I could choose a favorite, but if I had 500 WGD I'd give it to WF for the idea.

[Mysteweave]

I don't think I could choose a favorite, but if I had 500 WGD I'd give it to WF for the idea.

Agreed!

It's hard to just pick one. Though, I do believe that rdhopeca's "Covenant is not convinced that the Gated community actually wipes." is worth a mention.

[wayfriend]

There are definitely some books that need to be written just so that those titles can be published!

(Thanks to Menolly; thanks to Sorus.)

[shadowbinding shoe]

Well, my vote goes for Kevin's Watch. There's just something about a gangrene-damaged Foot fungus...

[wayfriend]

And the winner is ...

Spoiler

rdhopeca .

Who can compete with a gated community that may or may not have a basic hygiene issue? The audience has spoken, and Master Sublime's Buttock narrowly defeats some very funny competetors.

[Menolly]

Congratulations Rob!
Nicely done.

[Mysteweave]

Congrats, rdhopeca.

[aliantha]

Congrats, Rob!

[rdhopeca]

Thanks everyone!

[matrixman]

Congrats, rdhopeca, on exposing what goes on in gated communities.

(I'm gonna be laughing over this for the rest of the year.)

[wayfriend]

Well, I have another 500, so here goes.

This Week's Contest

This week we're going to play Google games. Type in some Donaldson-related keywords, and see what interesting or crazy things come up.

Post the keyword(s) you used, the link you found, and maybe a few words on why you thought it was interesting or crazy.

For example:

• I searched for formication + crepuscular, and I got an interesting essay called "Essay on the Creative Imagination" in the Princeton Theology Review, Volume V. [link]

Winners will be judged on how Donaldsonian your keywords are, and how interesting or crazy the link is that you found.

As usual, audience participation is encouraged, necessary, and appreciated.

(P.S. lots of links you find are to web pages that put every word in the dictionary on the page so that you'll "find" them in Google, and then they turn out to be for buying cheap Viagra and the like. Let's not count those.)

[matrixman]

Okay, I typed in malefic caducity. This was the most interesting thing Google coughed up:

Full text of "Bedouins; Mary Garden, Debussy, Chopin or the circus, Botticelli, Poe, Brahmsody, Anatole France, Mirbeau, Caruso on wheels, Calico cats, The artistic temperament; Idols and ambergris; with The supreme sin, Grindstones, A masque of music, and The vision malefic"

www.archive.org/stream/bedouinsmarygard ... h_djvu.txt

It seems to be a collection of articles by music critic and American essayist James Huneker from the 1920's.

The first article seems to be some sort of psychology treatise on a woman named Mary Garden. (Or maybe the whole thing is. I'm not sure.)

THAT little girl down Boston way, who had
mastered William James and Boris Sidis before
she was in her teens, behaved badly one after-
noon. Possibly it was the sultry weather, or
growing pains in the psychic sphere, of course
or, perhaps, it may have been due to the re-
flexes from prolonged attention to the Freudian
psycho-analysis and the significance of Twilight
Sleep; but whatever the cause, that precocious
child flew off her serene handle and literally
' 'sassed" the entire household. The tantrum
over she afterward described it as a uric-acid
storm and order reigning once more in Bach
Bay, she was severely interrogated by her male
parent as to the whys and wherefores of her
singular deviation from accustomed glacial in-
tellectual objectivity.

"...her singular deviation from accustomed glacial intellectual objectivity." Wow! I love that!

Oh, and I think the article "Idols and ambergris" should get extra points since ambergris is also a prized Donaldson word.

[wayfriend]

And the winner is ...

Spoiler

matrixman.

For having the fortitude to enter the most lamest contest ever posted in this thread.