Insult sword fighting

Post by **CovenantJr** » Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:11 pm

This idea was stolen from Beowuuf on Tower of the Sun. Anyone who has played The Secret of Monkey Island should already be familiar with the idea, but it's easy enough to learn. Among pirates, your success in a duel is determined not by your skill with a blade but by the sharpness of your wit!

Some existing examples include:

"You fight like a dairy farmer!"
"How appropriate. You fight like a cow."

and

"My enemies fall at my feet when they see me coming!"
"Even before they smell your breath?"

I'm sure we have enough members with cruel and scathing wit to make this work. I'll throw down the gauntlet first. Retort if you dare!

I've seen spoons wielded more dangerously than your sword!

Post by **wayfriend** » Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:26 pm

CovenantJr wrote:I've seen spoons wielded more dangerously than your sword!

A bowl of pudding like yourself would be frightened by spoons.

Now try not to run away as I demonstrate what swordfighting really is.

Post by **drew** » Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:56 pm

I'll try to contain myself from running away from that pitiful attempt at swordsmanship in fits of side splitting laughter.

Come one step closer though, and you will feel the sharp steel of my sword, cutting your final breath from your lungs.

Post by **Krazy Kat** » Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:17 pm

You call that a sword. I've seen deadlier ones at a ladies sewing circle.

Now this is what I call a sword, and it's charged up with a 100Kw adapter plug.

Post by **CovenantJr** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 3:14 am

How convenient, since your lack of adaptability is shocking.*

In moments I shall see for myself the yellow of your guts!

*sorry, I came over all James Bond for a moment there.

Post by **danlo** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 3:24 am

...more likely the yellow of your pee as I gut you deep with my dirk!

and then we shall see your lungs well up in your adaptable neck

Post by **drew** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 11:30 am

Only from the peels of laughter as I watch you attempt to wield your sword.

I could try and stay my hand, as I was always taught that the elderly and the frail should not be struck down.

Post by **CovenantJr** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 12:03 pm

You're quite right; if you don't stay your hand I will be forced to strike you down, granddad.

Your movements are so slow I can see dust settling on your limbs!

Post by **drew** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 1:54 pm

That's not dust, its the dandruff from your hair being shook out while you try to follow my every move.

I hope your BOYfriend will tend to the wounds I will now carve across your torso.

Post by **aTOMiC** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:26 pm

Foolish, blind oaf! That's not my boyfriend it is your wife.
It will be my pleasure to clarify your vision when my expert thrust splits your vacant skull between your uselsess eyes.

Post by **Loredoctor** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 8:44 am

You have all the wit of a village idiot at a village idiot convention who just won the village idiot of the year.

Post by **Batsutousai** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:59 pm

And you have the wit of the village idiot who doesn't have the wit to realize he is such.
(Did that even count?)

Your insults are as pathetic as a kitten's cries.

Post by **DukkhaWaynhim** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 2:34 am

A perfect match for your wit - sharp as a ball of yarn.

Allow me to sheath my blade in your pusillanimous heart.

Post by **aTOMiC** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:34 am

The only thing pusillanimous here, good oaf, is the obvious stench of cowardice eminating from your...um...that thing on your neck.

Stand fast for though you did not request it of me I will make your death clean and actually quite painful as I slice your...that thing on your neck...off with a single flash of my very expensive and pointy blade.

Post by **wayfriend** » Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:21 pm

Have all your opponents been so obliging as to hold still so that you might find them with your foppish blade? How remarkable.

Have no fear, my blade moves like lightning, and you shall be dead before the pain reaches your sluggish and witless brain.

Post by **Vraith** » Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:15 pm

Heh, for simple purity [and being on point

] I always liked:

"You, sir, will now recieve your first lesson from a Master swordsman."

"And you sir, will now recieve your last."

Post by **CovenantJr** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 4:20 pm

wayfriend wrote:Have all your opponents been so obliging as to hold still so that you might find them with your foppish blade? How remarkable.

Have no fear, my blade moves like lightning, and you shall be dead before the pain reaches your sluggish and witless brain.

You're quite right. I will have died of old age long before your blade touches me.

You are about to fight the last hopeless battle of your very short life.

Post by **drew** » Sun Oct 11, 2009 6:35 pm

My last hopeless battle? I hope you speak in sooth. Battling against hopeless whelps as yourself has become quite tedious.

Hopeless battle indeed.

Your form is so poor, that would you were in the Land, even Thomas Covenant would BELIEVE in your incompetence.

Post by **Cagliostro** » Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:35 pm

drew wrote:Your form is so poor, that would you were in the Land, even Thomas Covenant would BELIEVE in your incompetence.

Even with his half-hand, he would best you in a duel.

You stand like a walrus, you swing like a hippo, the wit of a goat, and the breath of a komodo dragon.

Post by **Vraith** » Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:21 pm

Cagliostro wrote: Even with his half-hand, he would best you in a duel.

You stand like a walrus, you swing like a hippo, the wit of a goat, and the breath of a komodo dragon.

Yet I stand while you kneel, I swing while you fumble, I retort while you gibber, and I breath while you choke.

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

Insult sword fighting

Insult sword fighting

Re: Insult sword fighting