Sweet Grace: From the journal pages of Furls Fire

[Fire Daughter]

Winter arrives here on the Mountain, the snow falls gently, blanking out the ground, clinging to the trees...and the great hush settles. The house gets warmer.

Love you, Mom. Love the way you looked at the world. Love the smile that graced your face, even in times of great pain. Love how your laughter would cascade throughout the house. Love how your light brightened up even the darkest, stormiest nights.

Love you, Mom.

[Furls Fire]

Wednesday, October 30 2002, 3:11pm

Winter arrives here on the Mountain, the snow falls gently, blanking out the ground, clinging to the trees...and the great hush settles. The house gets warmer. The fire crackles in the hearth. There’s the smell of cookies baking and pine. A brightness shines from the walls and sweet music wafts down the halls.

Winter arrives here on the Mountain, worries about being snowed in are voiced. Yet, nothing would be more joyous. The children gather at the window, precious eyes, the Lord’s gifts, all look out at the falling snow. They buzz with plans of snowmen and snow forts, of snowball fights and snow angels. I smile.

Winter comes, and stays long here on the Mountain. Yet, the cold doesn’t reach in here. The house is our blanket. It enwraps us with its warmth. It swells almost to bursting with love. There’s a peace like no other when winter comes. I bask in it, try to grab hold of something tangible to keep. Ah, but as it comes it also goes. And moments slip by.

As winters settles over the Mountain and the great hush begins, I sigh as I gaze out at its glorious beauty. The world seems so beyond us here. Up here, it all fades away. What was it Stephen said? Something about the world being blanked out of it particulars? That’s it, exactly. Blanked out, blanketed in the glistening mantle. Purified.

[Dromond]

This post by Furls exudes a coziness on many levels.

[Fire Daughter]

She loved it. Hehehe..she really had to love it because winter lasts a good 9 months up here. And it made all of us love it too.

[Cambo]

I have begun a new spiritual regimen. I wake, I meditate. I strive for emptiness, resting awareness. Potential. A vessel to be filled with what I choose.

I choose the pages I have found here, the threads dedicated to Steven McKinnon, Isiaah "Shadowlurker," and Tracie "Furls Falls" McKinnon. When my heart if full and aching, and the tears begin to run, I sit myself to meditate again. No emptiness now, but fullness I strive for, ever expanding, all encompassing, in an attempt to rest as and within what Tracie and Steven called God, what I choose to call the Greater Self.

Greater Self, of course, because even after this short time I can imagine Tracie's reaction to my words: Tracie, I hope, more, I believe, more, I know you are not blushing now. Where you reside, there is no shame or self-deprecation. Greater Self, for I know, Tracie, that you have found yourself within God as much as I have found Him within You. You and Steven were always right when you gave the other credit for your light, always wrong when you refused credit for theirs. It is the same light, the same light you pass on to all of us when we encounter you here. You were special in that there was enough of you to shine that light fully on those around you, special enough that you still shine it upon me, who never knew you in life.

So, when I have spent some time quietly meditating, shining that light myself, I go on about my day. Someday I hope to carry that light as brightly as you did.

Hail.

[Menolly]

Beautifully said, Cambo.

[Cambo]

Thank you, Menolly. Just calling it as I see it.

[Fire Daughter]

It was for exactly that reason Mom decided to share Uncle Steve's journals with everyone here back in 2003. Over time, it grew to the beautiful thread it is today. As people come and go from it, they always say how much it either inspired them, gave them strength, or touched them in ways nothing else ever did.

I'm hoping this thread I set up to share Mom's journals does the same thing for people.

[Cambo]

It has certainly done all three for me, Fire Daughter. You did good

[Fire Daughter]

[Furls Fire]

Thanksgiving Day, 2002 11:53pm

Ah, the chaos is over. I smile at the stillness that now settles in the house. The bright white of the snow outside seems to shine in through the window. There’s an illumination, a glow, a warm light. Once again, I marvel how heaven meets earth. Worlds cross. Praying now, giving thanks on this special day for all I have been blessed with. My life is full. My life, God’s gift to me, is glorious.

Reflecting on the day now. The children, going around the table, their small beautiful voices proclaiming what they are thankful for this year. Ryan made us laugh, “I’m thankful that my team won the snow war earlier.” He’s our jokester. Tristan, reflective as always, “I’m thankful for Mom and Dad, Brooke, Heidi, Ryan and Chelsea.” He’s my sensitive one, my quiet one, he comes to me at night, asking me to read him poetry by the fire. My beautiful Brooke, “I’m thankful for our home on the Mountain.” My Heidi, shy and graceful, “I’m thankful for Mommy and Daddy.” And our sweet Chelsea, her blue eyes shining out at us, smiling as she stuffed a carrot in her mouth. Not saying a word, not that she says many yet, but I could tell she was drinking it all in, her little mind absorbing the sights, sounds and smells around her. It was then that Russell placed his hand over mine and said, “I love you, more than the word can express. There is no word adequate.”

“No word…” I responded.

And I feel Stephen’s presence now, looking out at the night, I can see him standing along the tree line, a smile graces his beautiful face. He waves and I wave back. He turns, walks into the forest, and a soft, lingering light follows him. These are the times when the pain of his loss is less, knowing that he never left and that he is more glorious in his present existence than he ever was here.

Hands grip my shoulders and I look up into the warm eyes of my husband. “Coming?” he asks simply. I nod, knowing that I will be wrapped up in his arms within moments. Life and Love and Joy are in Russell’s eyes, his arms, his strong body. We will lay together, we will love together, we will be as one together. And ecstasy will rise to the highest of heights.

So, the pen is set aside…

[Cambo]

After reading through Steven's memorial thread, I had an idea for an experiment. These are some quotes I gathered from various Watchers expressing hoe they felt about Furls Fire:

Thank you Tracie for helping me along in my spiritual journey. Faith in God's love is so much easier for me because of you, even though we have never met or even had a conversation.- Auliel

Tracie, thank you SO much for giving me reasons for continued faith in our fallen human species...I am honored to know you and pray you continue to walk toward the Light always, whether in or beyond this body...- Durris

And were the world graced by only one soul of her kind, that world would be of eternal value.- Lord Foul

Furls, you are an example to me of how a life is lived with purpose and passion. – Matrixman

Furls Fire...knowing you has strengthened me. – Dromond (followed by a chorus of “and me”)

You made me realize I'm a good person, and no one else has. – Lord Foul

You've lit a fire in my heart that can guide me through the rest of my life... thank you. – Orlion

One thing is clear, and it should be said... a person's life and legacy are not measured in years, but in how many people they have touched. – Xar

With last by Xar in mind, it bears thinking on that it took me maybe twenty minutes to compile that list. And that's a fraction of the material I was drawing from. I found seven people in twenty minutes whose lives were profoundly touched and forever changed by Furls Fire. I don't put myself down, but it's just realistic to say that you would have to search a lot longer than twenty minutes to find seven people whose lives I have changed- really changed- in the same way. A total of seven may be a stretch. And that's not even counting people whose lives and souls she actually saved.

I'm sure I'm not telling anyone anything they don't already know. I feel...inadequate...next to what went before me in these threads. Words can't express, and what they can express has already been said so well by others. So...there's some examples of that. Oh man, where did my composure go?

[Dread Poet Jethro]

Don't feel bad, Cambo
Tracie was someone special
Not to be equaled

We miss her so much
Yet she really is still here
When we're listening

[Cambo]

Thank you Jethro. It's not that I feel bad exactly. It's more a feeling that I'm too small to express myself adequately, which is *very* unusual for me, mostly you'll have a hard time shutting me up.

And I don't feel bad about Tracie's example. The realisation that my contribution to humanity is relatively small is a good thing. I need to be reminded of this now and again. Yesterday, I renewed my lapsed donations to Oxfam, to a great extent because of what I have read here about the lives of Steven and Tracie.

No, I don't feel bad. There's just a certain smallness. Yet, I don't feel lessened or diminished. I feel the desire to grow.

Heh. This is me at a loss for words. You see what I mean about shutting me up?

[Fire Daughter]

My Uncle said it best about her...

Where ever she walks, light follows, joy follows, peace follows. My sister, who exists beyond the flesh, beyond transience, makes her way through the world with unyielding strength, with the capacity to wield love without effort. She doles it out like candy. How blessed am I, how blessed are we, her family, to be the ones walking beside her as she trods the paths laid before her.

Mom would walk through fire for anyone who needed her. Uncle Stephen would too. Those of us who stood by and watched as they made their way through life were washed in the afterglow of their wake. When we say that our lives are not as bright now that she is no longer here, we mean it literally.

She is everywhere here on the Watch. I find myself going to her profile when I'm here and clicking on the link that takes us to her almost 5000 posts she made here. Kevin's Watch brought her so much joy. There were times when we could hear her laughing out loud as she would read and interact with everyone here. The Watch was her second home and you all were her second family. She embraced all who came to Uncle Steve's thread with such love and when I say she loved it when new people posted in it or found it, I mean she loved it, at times, it would bring her to tears and she would say. "Look, Stephen, you still bring people hope."

So, Cambo...Well, yeah. Welcome again.

[Angel Daughter]

Yes. What Brooke said.

Mom was our light. She was our everything. She was our world. It's darker now. Even tho I feel her presence, it is so not the same. Being home for this Christmas after all that happened last Christmas is bittersweet.

Miss you, Mom. And I ache for you.

[Savor Dam]

Brooke, Heidi, Russ, Jordan...and all of you on the Mountain whom we don't see here,

Even for those of us who only knew her secondhand through her glorious presence here, she is missed...so much!

Yet, we know she is still among us...in her posts, in what you provide of her (and of yourselves!), and in the myriad of reflections we now see in the world thanks to what we learned from her.

There are no words...but that doesn't seem to stop me from trying.

~edited to eliminate typos...I'm compulsive that way, but apparently not enough so to proofread accurately.

[Cambo]

Fire Daughter, Angel Daughter, I am not a praying man, but I will spend some time this Christmas to send my thoughts and compassion your way.

[Fire Daughter]

[Furls Fire]

Christmas 2009 12:03am

“For unto you is born this day, in the City of David, a savior, which is Christ the Lord”. Sweet Jesus, I am at your feet, kneeling in gratitude for allowing me this last one, this last celebration. Through You, all things are possible. My life here, comes to a close. The last breath is not far away. I am at peace, I am alight in the glory of You. The radiance, the illumination, the joy of Your presence enwraps me. I feel the strength of Your Spirit, Your Holiness and my heart rejoices. What can I give in gratitude for my life?

And as my life comes to its end, I reflect on how glorious a life I’ve had. The blessings, the precious gifts, my beautiful children. They will grieve for me, my absence will hurt them profoundly, the last thing I ever intended was to cause my children pain. I only pray Your love will enwrap them, give them strength and solace to endure. Ah, I have no doubt they will not want to go on without me. They have told me as much. Yet, they are my children and they know what I want for them.

I sigh heavily as I gaze at the lights shining from the Christmas tree. Christmas. How I love Christmas, its warmth, its peace. Up here on the Mountain, it whispers in. So soft, so peaceful, so radiant. There is a beauty beyond words when Christmas morning dawns here. I hear the voices humming, the sweet song proclaiming His birth. Yet, there is no heralding, no ushering chorus, just a low trill of angel voices. I begin to see the walls swell with grace, glow with light. All around me is holy, all around me I feel His presence. And yes, I hear Him whisper the words that the time comes. My place in Heaven awaits. My new journey begins.

And all that is me will move beyond this life, and all that is me will go with me. There is no need for sorrow, no need for tears. There is no death, only life. A life of love, light, and joy. A life of grace, a life of great work. A life basking in the glory of His radiance.

It’s Christmas. A time to celebrate all that I am, all that I was, and all that I will be. It’s Christmas. A time to have one last glorious day with my husband and children. It’s Christmas. A time to show them that when I go, it will not be goodbye. No, not goodbye.