Lord Foul's Irritant chapters 1-6 and 7

[Kinslaughterer]

This is a both a tribute and a parody of sorts. At one point or another I suspect nearly all of us have stood up from our reading chairs and shook our heads with contempt for Thomas Covenant with his unbelief and his emotional impotency. What if, by a strange twist of fate, the Creator, selecting the summoned of Drool Rockworm, chose someone else? What if, instead of the frustrating leper, he decides that a seemingly healthy mild mannered archaeologist will act to save the Land? What if I were summoned?


Lord Foul’s Irritant

Chapter 1 Dirty Boy

I tossed down the remainder of my sandwich, ham on rye, and got out of the truck. I shook my legs and stretched my back. This latest dig was killing me. It was sweltering; the tree roots seemed to be three feet thick, and I was picking ticks off my clothes by the dozens. Its the ticks that brought me into town.

As I walked down the sidewalk, a young woman grabed her child and pulled him out of my path. “Stay away from us. You don’t belong here!” She said with venom. Stunned I replied, “What is wrong with you? I’m just a little dirty.” “You’re not dirty, you’re filthy. You’re an unclean pig!” She spat back. I was too shocked to reply and decided to keep walking. The doctor’s office was just a block away.

Dr. Remus Bell was as incompetent as they come; in fact I think he may actually be a vet who forged his medical license. However, he was the only doctor or person who claimed to be a doctor in town. I figured I'd drop in get some antibiotics and walk out. Today was not going to be that day.

As I entered the doctor’s office I kept wondering why that woman yelled at me. I didn’t think for very long as my name was soon called. I followed Dr. Bell back the hallway and entered a small examination room.
“So what brings you hear today?” he asked.
“Well doc, you know I’m an archaeologist, right? Its tick season and I’m pulling a few dozen off me everyday. So naturally I’m a little worried about Lyme disease.”
“Oh, you don’t have Lyme disease, do you?”
“Ahh, that’s why I’m here. You know…to find out.”
“So you want me to test you?”
I drug my hands across my face in annoyance and said “Yes, could you please test me right now. Wait, how about you just give me the antibiotics and I go home? How about that?”
The doctor gave me a curious look and stepped back. “You’ve got it don’t you. You’re one of those unclean lymers, aren’t you?”
I started to smile until I realized he was serious. “Did you just call me a lymer? What the hell is a lymer?” I said in shock.
At this point he was backing out the door as he said, “People in town have been talking about you. They suspected this. Well, I’m going to tell them. It’s my duty, you could be infectious so you better just stay away from here. We don’t want your kind here.”
“Have you been prescribing yourself the wrong drugs again doc?”
Before I could say another word he was on the phone with the police.

Luckily, I left before the police arrived. Looks like today was one of those days. My wife wouldn’t be home for another hour so I figured I’d grab a beer and try to regain my sanity. The Coal Mine was a a local bar that kept most of the riff-raff out. It wasn’t the nicest place but it was the only place that served alcohol.

I pulled up to the front and locked the truck as I got out. I did a double take as I realized too late that my keys were still inside. May as well have that beer and wait for my wife to get home. The bartender gave me a nod and slid me a frosty mug as I sat down. Before I could even take a sip of beer the bartender said I had a call. It was my wife.
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Jason, it’s me.”
“Claire, I locked my keys in the truck. Would you mind bringing me the spare set.”
“Jason, I want a divorce.”
“They’re under the….What?”
“Dr. Bell called and said you have Lyme disease. Oh, and I’m sleeping with Jim.”
“Jim? Jim the bartender?"
“Dr. Bell said you're a lymer. I can’t stay married to someone like that.”
“Wait, did you just call me a lymer? Claire, you have master’s in biology remember?"
“Jason, that’s not the point. Have your stuff out by this weekend. Jim needs the room for his band.”

I hung up the phone in utter disbelief. This could not be happening. When I woke up this morning things seemed normal. Now people are calling me “lymer” and my wife wants a divorce so she can shack up with the guy on the other side of the bar. I looked up and he gave me a half shrug and said “hey, that beer’s on the house.” I reared back to hurl my glass at Jim’s face when a hand grabbed my wrist. I turned quickly and gazed into a set of mad eyes. A homeless man in a dirty white bathrobe held my wrist. He let go then put a hand on my shoulder mouthing words I couldn’t understand. I quickly realized that he had picked my pocket but before I could react he was out the door.

I kicked out from the stool and headed after him. He was surprisingly fast for a grubby looking transient. As I turned the corner he turned and yelled something. I couldn’t quite make it out but it sounded like “be true.” He yelled it again but added an unmistakable hand gesture this time. Today is really going poorly.

I briefly thought about asking Jim for a ride to my house but decided against it. It was only about 2 miles so I went for a walk. After about a mile, an old flat bed truck drove past. I looked up in time to see the bath robed pickpocket mouth words that were not “be true” again. My rage boiled over. I grabbed a chunk of asphalt and hurled with everything I had. The thief ducked and it smashed through the back window of the truck. The man in the passenger seat screamed “It’s that lymer!” The driver threw the truck in reverse toppling the hobo and sending me running for my life. I never saw the pothole…and I fell into darkness

[CovenantJr]

Brilliant! I particularly like the chapter title, the play on 'unclean', and 'your' continuing bafflement at being called a lymer.

[Kinslaughterer]

Chapter 2 A New Hope

I awoke with a splitting headache. The fall must have knocked me out and tossing that rock aggravated my injured rotator cuff. I tried to shake the cobwebs out of my head but it only brought more pain. I had large gash above my right eye and dried blood on my face. Glancing around I found I was in a cavern of some sort. Those damn yokels must have drug me in here.

My thoughts were broken by sudden inhuman laughter. Reddish light illuminated a foul looking creature clutching a staff and muttering in sheer glee. “Done it! Me! Mine!” the creature started to dance. Heat seemed to radiate from the beast causing me to sweat. It clearly knew I was here but wasn’t paying attention to me. The creature turned giving me a good look at its features. It was stooped and scrawny but with a large head and oversized hands. I whispered “Gollum?” But it did not answer.

It became readily apparent that I was having some form of dream or hallucination. Maybe the stress of today was just too much. Maybe that damn bartender drugged my drink. Sure hope I wake up soon, I thought.

The monster started to move in my direction shouting “Called him! Me! Lord Drool!” I retreated a few steps and found a softball sized rock. I knew my shoulder would hurt but I wasn’t about to let this thing touch me. Seeing me grab the rock, the creature presented the staff shouting “Kill you! Crush them all!” It raised the staff and I pulled back my sore arm ready to throw. Suddenly, a booming voice filled the cavern making the creature shrink before it. “I claim this prize. He belongs to me. Now step back!” it thundered at the beast. It grew brave and shouted back, “My staff! You are not safe!” There was a pause then the voice retorted “Drool Rockworm, you will soon meet your doom!”

The room seemed to spin and the cavern grew dark again. It seemed like waking from a dream but I was in a new place, a castle or a dungeon perhaps. As I adjusted to the new surroundings the voice returned. “My enemy has chosen you to oppose me. He will not help you, you are alone. I have already begun my assault upon this age and soon the future will be mine.” Feeling overwhelmed I said “I think you’ve made a mistake. I’m clearly not the person you’re looking for. Listen I’ve really got to go before my wife throws all my stuff out.”
“Silence. I was laid low for a time by that fool, Kevin. But know…”
“Kevin? What are you talking about? And this assault thing…Do you know the homeless guy who took my wallet?”
“I will not suffer an interruption from the likes of you again. Do not speak unless I tell you to.”
“Heh, I don’t know who you are but why don’t you get off that PA system and show yourself.”
“Insolent fool! Do not utter another word! I am Lord Foul the Despiser and you will deliver a message for me. I see you are offended by my contempt. Know that you are intended to be my final foe. You have powerful magic which keeps you alive but soon it will be mi..”
“Wait, I’m not your enemy and I certainly don’t have any powerful magic. How about we just pretend like none of this happened and I be on my way?”
“Insufferable insect! You will deliver a message for me. Say to the Lords of Revelstone that Drool Rockworm has the found the Staff of Law. If they hope to survive then it is their duty to recover it. If they fail or you fail to deliver this message every human will be dead within two years. Do you understand?”
“Yeah, I get the gist of it. I’ve got to tell you, it sounds pretty outlandish. This conquering the world thing just doesn’t work. People start rebellions, blow up superweapons…it just doesn’t work. You clearly have a vivid imagination. Maybe you should consider becoming a writer?”
“You try my patience, fool. I will relish destroying you.”
“Ok, good stuff. I’ll remember this too, Lord Foul” shaking my fingers at the mention of his name.
“One final word, my plans are set and soon I will vanquish all hope from the Earth. Think on that, and be dismayed!”
“Hey, I’ve got two words for you, fu….” The room spun and darkness filled my mind.

[CovenantJr]

“One final word, my plans are set and soon I will vanquish all hope from the Earth. Think on that, and be dismayed!”
“Hey, I’ve got two words for you, fu….” The room spun and darkness filled my mind.

[aTOMiC]

Excellent. Brilliant work, Kins. You have a gift that some men might name a curse. Bravo!

[Kinslaughterer]

Chapter 3 Kevin Who?

I awoke with a start, my heart racing. I was lying on cold stone, my head and shoulder throbbing. The memories of that strange dream lingered when others fade. I needed a shower, some food, and a warm bed. Hopefully those rednecks didn't leave me too far from home.

“Hail, do you need aid?” A voice shouted from below. At that moment I realized I was standing on some kind of raised platform protruding from the side of a mountain. “Hail, are you harmed?” The voice called again. “Not too badly.” I replied. Then a brown haired teenage girl appeared from the stairs. My first impression was that she was cute with a nice tan but a little too young for me.
“Do you need help?” The girl asked.
“I think I’ll be okay, but where am I?” I replied.
“Do you not know? This is Kevin’s Watch.”
“Kevin? Wait, I have a cousin named Kevin…Am I still dreaming?”
“You are related to High Lord Kevin Landwaster? Surely, this is an omen.”
“No, I’m related to Kevin Ericson”
“Berekson?” She said seeming stunned by my response.
“Something like that. Look, I need to use your phone. My truck has probably been towed by now and I’d bet that my wife is having a yard sale right now.”
“I do not know this word 'phone', clansmen of Kevin.” She tilted her head in curiosity. “Perhaps my mother Atiaran can help. She has studied with the lorewardens and knows some healing.”
“Yeah, you’re using a lot of strange words too. Say where is Kevin’s Watch anyway…Pennsylvania?”
“I have never heard of this Pennsylvania. You are in the Land. North of us is the Central Plains, east is the Plains of Ra and the fields of the Ranyhyn, and we are near my village, Mithal Stonedown. I will take you there.” She paused then spoke again, “What is your name, Clansmen of Kevin? Are you a lord as well?”
“Lord? I must be dreaming but if I was then you’d be eighteen and a redhead. I guess one of us is crazy.”

A long moment passed before she responded, “My name is Lena. What are you called?” "I'm Jason, Jason McClain.”

It was a long walk back to Lena’s village and she felt the need to point out and name every plant, animal, or aspect of nature she could. After about a half an hour of listening to her talk I finally said, “Lena, honey, you’ve got to shut up for a minute okay? My head is killing me and I think I’m going to need surgery if I ever want to throw a baseball again.” She looked somewhat hurt by my words but immediately started talking again about something called ‘hurtloam’. Luckily, she found some quickly and quietly applied this cool mud to my shoulder and head. “This will heal your pains, Jason McClain,” she said seeking my approval. “Thanks, I can’t believe that works,” I said. This hurtloam is dark brown, probably 7.5YR 5/6 dark brown loam according to the Munsell soil color chart. (Archaeologists know their dirt.)

After patching me up, Lena kept talking the rest of the way back to Mithil Stonedown. She mentioned her parents several times, lots of strange words I didn’t know and some sketchy guy named Triock. Most of all she wouldn't stop talking about horses. Eventually, we reached the village. It appeared to be a cluster of flat roofed stone house kind of like Santa Fe without the stucco. I was waffling between this whole crazy ordeal being a fevered dream or being real…

[CovenantJr]

My first impression was that she was cute with a nice tan but a little too young for me.

...

It was a long walk back to Lena’s village and she felt the need to point out and name every plant, animal, or aspect of nature she could. After about a half an hour of listening to her talk I finally said, “Lena, honey, you’ve got to shut up for a minute okay?"

...

This hurtloam is dark brown, probably 7.5YR 5/6 dark brown loam according to the Munsell soil color chart. (Archaeologists know their dirt.)

[Kinslaughterer]

I forgot all about this...it is so bad that it would be an injustice not to continue...any excuse to increase my post count anyway...

Chapter 4 Mithil Stoned

Lena and I walked into her village around dusk. Her house seemed quaint, like a little circular cottage.
"You know I've never seen a house quite like this before."
"It is common among the Stonedowns. Let us hurry, it is time for dinner and my father hates when I am late."
"Yeah, I'm hungry. Maybe I can call a cab here? Someone's got to have a phone, right?"
Lena shrugged her shoulders and pointed to an open door.
We entered a large room. Across the way was a monster of a man apparently making some kind of stew. He looked like an NFL left tackle. He seemed to be singing. I think it was I am a rock by Simon and Garfunkel.
"Wow, that's you dad?" I said, amazed
"Yes. Father, I bring a stranger into our house. He is tired and seems lost. He was injured so I used hurtloam to heal him. This is my father Trell."
"And what is you name stranger?" The big man said.
"Jason, my name is Jason McClain."
"Father, he says he is the cousin of Kevin." Said Lena excitedly.
"Really, I doubt you'd know him, I think he drives a bus in Richmond now. Trell, I don't suppose you know someone with a phone do you? A payphone maybe? "
Trell looked concerned and lowered his voice to Lena,"He is a stranger but he seems harmless. Jason McClain, is it true you allowed Lena to heal you with hurtloam?"
"ah, yeah, I suppose. It did make my shoulder feel better. My rotator cuff has needed surgery for awhile now...Is that important?"
Trell's eyes widened then he sighed, "Enough talking you should eat, your mother will be late."

We ate a nice little meal. I was surprised I could be that hungry in a dream. I'd begun to think perhaps these folks were part of a commune, or maybe some offshoot of the Amish or maybe even reenactors. Trell left shortly thereafter. Since they'd been so nice I'd filled Lena's bowl and cleaned up a bit. She opened a bottle of something called springwine. It tasted more like grain alcohol. Within a few minutes a women entered. She was clearly an older and hot version of Lena.
"I am Atiaran Trell-mate. Trell has told me you are a stranger and bear a burden. May I see you hands?
"My hands? Ok, why?"
I showed her my right hand with my broken little finger.
"Brokenhand! Trell was correct. Do you know of Berek Earthfriend, Lord-Fatherer?"
"Ah, no. I broke this finger in high school. It was during a playoff game and I had to stay out there. I could never throw a curveball again though."
Atiaran gasped," A ring? What metal is it? White Gold? White Gold!?"
"I don't know I think its platinum, my wife insisted on it." The thought made me angry. "She's probably selling my entire Dungeons & Dragons collection right now. I've got a 1st edition Men & Magic signed by Gary Gygax. Do you know how much that is worth?"
"Wild Magic?!? It is white gold, then. Do you know how important this is?' She could barely catch her breath.
"The Lords have a song..."
"Wait, please, no singing. I think your making kind of a big deal about this."
"There is no white gold anywhere in the Land. What brings you here?"
"Hold on there, pretty much any jewelry store keeps platinum and I think I even got this off the internet. Look, I've got some kind of message I'm supposed to tell a council. Its really one of those gloom and doom supervillian kind of things."
Atiaran began waving her arms and throwing things around the room. " Oh no! The Gray Slayer has returned! The Land is doomed. My daughter is doomed! Everything will be destroyed!" She continued to scream and fling herself around the room.
"Whoa, just calm down. Everything is going to be fine. I don't think anyone is going to hurt Lena with that ogre husband of yours around. Besides this whole message thing might just be a hallucination of mine. I've been reading alot of scifi and fantasy stuff lately. You know how those things can worm their way into your subconcious. Look, I'll make sure nothing happens to Lena too, alright?"

Suddenly my head spun. My hands looked too small and my feet too big. It seemed like a there was a rabid wombat in my stomach trying to get out. I managed to mutter..."That must've been moonshine?" I was out cold.

I awoke to more singing. This time it sounded like rappers delight by the Sugar Hill Gang. It was someone outside but I let out a little yell because Lena was leaning over me staring.
"Don't do that. You scared the crap out of me. What time is it?"
"It is night. Is it true? Will you take care of me?" Lena asked.
"Well, I think you're going to be fine I just said that to calm you mother down."
"Are you married?"
I replied uncomfortably, "Ah, yes, well no. Sort of. My wife wants a divorce. You know I left all of my comic books in the garage. She's probably put those on the curb already."
"I don't wish to marry a simple cattleherd. He is a good man but simple, without ambition." She said, trolling.
I laughed uneasily. "I'm sure he's a nice guy and really, ambition is overrated. Come on, that's a pretty involved job, cattle herding. You've got animal husbandry and..."
She interupted,"Why did your wife leave?"
"I don't know. I guess because I may or may not have Lyme disease. That's easily the worst excuse I've ever heard. I'll be damned if she gets my signed Cal Ripken Jr. jersey either."
"What is Lyme disease?" she asked.
"Its a bacterium passed by a tiny blood sucking parasite and stop asking me questions!"
She looked strangely at me then smiled. Frustrated, I finally said "What?"
"Since you have accepted healing, offered food and drink, and promised to care for me...I will marry you."
I just rubbed my hands against my face.

[matrixman]

Hellfire! How on earth did I miss this???

Looking forward to more installments, Kins!

I'd begun to think perhaps these folks were part of a commune, or maybe some offshoot of the Amish or maybe even reenactors.

[Kinslaughterer]

Chapter 5 Messages, Messages

"Lena, you're a charming young lady but technically I'm still married. I'm not even sure this whole thing is real. Really, I'm going to be busy for a while what with moving what stuff I still have, tracking down that hobo, and I should really get some antibiotics just in case. You understand don't you?" I said hopefully.
Lena retreated to a corner and started to sob.
"Oh, stop it! Where the hell are your parents anyway? Who leaves their daughter with a grown man?" I said, frustrated.
"Its my mother isn't it? I saw how she looked at you. She does that to all the boys. Promise me...when you return from Revelstone...we will be married." She said through tears.
I wondered which direction I should start running. There was bound to be a farm house or gas station somewhere around here. Unless this really is a dream. I don't think I'd be this annoyed in a dream, would I?
I decided to buy some time..."Lena let me sleep on this, okay?"
She seemed giddy, "yes, beloved."
I sighed. "See you in the morning."

Atiaran woke me early. She gave me a wink and a smile then hustled me outside.

"The Elders have selected me to guide you to Revelstone. It is 300 leagues distant to Lord's Keep. We must walk."
"Wait, exactly how far is a league? That sounds like a long way. Have you been there before?"
"In my youth I studied at the Loresraat; Lord's Keep is near. We will travel for many weeks. We should leave now."
"Weeks !?! Don't you have some horse drawn buggies or something? Wait, wait, wait! I've got in now. This place is like The Village. You've decided to give up the twenty-first century. Heh, that's cool. We climb a wall outside of town and boom, we're back in the real world. Alright." I said optimistically.
Atiaran gave me a strange look then a coy smile. "You are hansome but speak strangely. Shhhhhh, let us depart." As she walked by me she slapped me firmly on the butt. Somehow I resisted the urge to scream.

It seemed that we walked endlessly, climbing rocks and over hills. There were plenty of tasty little berries to eat. Everything was gorgeous...green hills, wildflowers, trees, and streams. It was becoming clear to me that I had no idea where I was. Atiaran pointed out Kevin's Watch to me. I realized that I would've known something like that.
"Wormholes" I said speculatively. "I could be something like the Philadelphia experiment even. I should have thought of it earlier but the Zuni have a myth..."
"Quiet! We are being followed. Someone shadows us."
"Ahh, its probably Lena, I think I may have promised to marry her. She wouldn't stop crying and..."
"She is already engaged to another. She would not follow. We must continue."
We reached the Mithil River and crossed a stone bridge.
"That's strange. I'm looking at the river bank here and there isn't any demarcation in stratigraphy. Does this river flood frequently?"
"This river has never flooded since the time of the Old Lords. Do you know of the rhadhamerl? The lore of soil and stone?"
"Well, I'm an archaeologist so I guess I do in a way."

As we spoke someone approached. I noticed a shape out of the corner of my eye and instinctively ducked. An obsidian knife cut the air above me. I dove to the side and grabbed a rock. The figure lunged but I put distance between us with a backwards hop. For a second I looked into the face of a kid...maybe eighteen. He looked enraged and intent on cutting me up. I moved slowly backwards taking aim with my rock. He suddenly made another lunge. I was ready with a fastball. The rock hit his hand with enough force to send the knife flying.
"Stop! You must stop! Triock, remember the Oath!" Atiaran screamed.
The boy pointed at me and shouted "I am Triock son of Thuler and Lena is promised to me! What have you done to her? Seduced her? What evil?"
"Whoa now! Tree...Triock, I'm not marrying Lena. Trust me, I even put in a good word for you. She'll forget all about me soon anyway. Just calm down." I breathed hard and looked down at the fallen knife, surprised.
"Hey, Triock did you make this knife?" I bent over and picked it up.
"This is some great work. I haven't seen an obsidian biface like this before. There are only a handful of people that can work stone like this."
He looked at me with contempt. "Nearly anyone in the stonedown can produce items such as this."
"Hey, where I'm from it is a rare skill. Speaking of which, if you want to impress Lena you really need to pick up another skill. A little ambition, you know? How about the guitar? Maybe try singing or maybe that school you mentioned, Atiaran. What was it called, the Loresraat?"
It seemed Triock considered the last comments carefully. He looked up at Atiaran and I then turned around and ran back toward Mithil Stonedown.

Atiaran broke the silence with another butt slap. "We must hurry, time passes too quickly and I must recite the entire history of the land to you, Jason McClain the Uncertain."

[CovenantJr]

Oh god. Since coming to university I've developed a new (un)appreciation for some parts of this. The Munsell chart...ewww. Has anyone ever found bright green soil?

[Kinslaughterer]

I can't say I've ever dealt with anything bright green or too green at all luckily. I've run into some "gley" before...that spongy grayish blue muck that build up in certain wetlands.

[Kinslaughterer]

Chapter 6 Soaring Woodhelven

I was still a little shaken after Triock's attack. It had been a while since someone tried to kill me or at least seriously injure me. Sure, I'd been shot at in the past and beaten up on a few occasions but no one had ever tried to stab me much less with a well-made obsidian knife. Would it qualify as ironic if I were stabbed to death with stone tools?

I zoned in and out as Atiaran recited what must have been the entire history of the "Land". Something about it seemed strange though...
"...and Loric Vilesilencer was the father of Lord Kevin Landwaster."
"Wait, So you've got Berek, Damelon, Loric, and Kevin? Kevin? What kind of fantasy world name is Kevin? Was this story written in the 70's ? See this makes me think that I'm dreaming, like some part of my waking mind is slipping through." I said awkwardly.
"Well, his name is Kevin and he was known as the Landwaster for he enacted the Ritual of Desecration. His actions devastated the Land for centuries." Atiaran spoke without feeling.
"So is he a bad guy? Some kind of tragic figure like Hamlet?" I paused then casually said, "Is this whole Lena-marriage thing going to be a problem? I didn't want to upset her but she was crying and I figured I'd be waking up anytime or something so...thoughts?"
"You have embarassed us all with you actions but perhaps Triock can repair things."
"Embarassed? Really? You didn't seem that embarassed. Hell, you've slapped me on the ass a couple of times. That's not weird." I rolled my eyes so much that it actually hurt.

We hurried North as best as I could tell for most of the day. We finally stopped at a grove of trees Atiaran called a "waymeet". It seemed to me it was a lot like a interstate rest area but nicer. The bathroom was clean and instead of vending machines there was fresh food. As night approached I sat down in a one of the comfy hammocks...
"Hey, Mrs. Robinson, should we keep watch and sleep in shifts or will we be safe here?" I snorted a laugh and waited for a response.
"We will be safe here. What did you call me?"
"Its a term of endearment. Good night."

We got moving early the next day and by noon or so reached a place Atiaran called a woodhelven. It looked like some sort of enormous tree house.
"Hey" I pointed, "Ewok Village, I used to have this place as a kid. Wow, that's crazy, oh wait I see people up there. I always wanted to meet those cute little guys."
Atiaran tilted her head slightly and gave me a look as if she were putting together a jigsaw puzzle for the first time.
"Shhhh, I'm sure you are very smart in your world. We will stop here and speak with the elders. Hail Soaring Woodhelven. We ask for help and food."
"Who are you and what is your business here?" replied a man in the tree.
"I am Atiaran Trell-mate of Mithil Stonedown and this is Jason McClain the Uncertain, a stranger to the Land and a messenger for the Lords." She yelled back.
"I don't know if you'd call me "uncertain". Well, I suppose you could. Are we going to climb that tree?"
"Yes. There, they have sent down a rope ladder. Let us go."
"Alright, I'm taking your word for this."

We climbed the ladder then were met by a group of these folks; "woodhelvennin" Atiaran called them. They were tall, a little taller than me, and thin. They all appeared to be blond with light eyes, very Nordic it seemed. I was immediately concerned when I saw they all carried clubs.

[wayfriend]

"I don't know if you'd call me "uncertain". Well, I suppose you could.

[Kinslaughterer]

I assessed my situation carefully. I was in a giant tree with Atiaran and three dudes carrying something like baseball bats.
"You must come with us and identify yourselves." One of the men said sternly.
"I am Atiaran-Trell mate of Mithil Stonedown and this is a stranger to the Land, Jason McClain the Uncertain."
Instinctively I muttered, "I don't know if I like this whole uncertain thing as a title. How about throughly annoyed with this situation? Or maybe the hungry and tired?"

Another group of these "woodhelvennin" showed up also with clubs. They began to advance on me.
"Hey Atiaran! I think you've got the wrong address!" I looked down, no chance and now there were six of them also no chance. They grabbed me and quickly tied my wrists. After a bit of wrestling they managed to carry me into a chamber at the trunk of the giant tree.
"
Guys, look, I don't know who you think I am but my wife will have me declared dead if I don't get home. I just know she is going to give my baseball cards to her punk kid nephew! I've got a Nolan Ryan rookie in there!"
They seemed to regard me with confusion like some adult male has never heard of Nolan Ryan before...hah! I laughed to myself.

"Atiara-Trell mate, a raver has been among us and spoke of evil tidings. He has described this man as a carrier of doom. He must be tested!"
They tossed me on the ground and the speaker, a man with a leaf circlet on his head, produced a long stick. I immediately figured this would not be good. Was I being hazed? Is this some cult? When the hell am I going to wake up?
They took off the ropes and let me stand. Before I could even react the speaker slams the stick into my ribs.

"Owww! What the hell is wrong with you?" I exclaim as I curl up protecting my midsection. Another shot comes but I manage to get my arm up to protect my head.
"Damn it! Stop that!" I lunge for the stick and pull down wresting it from his grasp. He was stunned by my reaction and pointed with a look of shock.
"You have been rejected!" The woodhelvennin man shouted.
"What? Why? Is this like drowning a witch to see if she is really a witch?"
I took my opening and smacked the man hard in the ribs and then smashed it into his shin. He folded like an accordion and I spun around to looking for another attacker.
"Who else is feeling lucky?" I shouted, now throughly fed up.

From his crumpled spot on the floor, the man uttered "I was wrong, it does accept him. Be welcome here and you may keep the staff."
They were surprisingly nice after the "test" and gave us food and questioned me about Nolan Ryan. I explained that he struck out 383 hitters in the 1973 season.
The next morning Atiaran and I left. She mentioned that we could see the Celebration of Spring on our way. Given my current mental state I kept flashing back to watching the Wicker Man as a kid. Not knowing what else to do I decided to carve "wonder boy" into my new hunk of wood.

[Kinslaughterer]

The folks at this Soaring Woodhelven were really the strangest hippie commune I've ever seen. Although kind of soft they actually had weapons and strangely no pot whatsoever. They did however grow and produce some really good dark chocolate. I explained that what they were doing was both organic and sustainable so they could probably start a non-profit. It seems they've had never heard any of the words I was using. Still can't be sure if this nonsense is real or if I am in a really lucid dream that I don't seem to control but I had this nagging feeling that some elements were so similar to real life.

I took all the dark chocolate I could carry, which they stored in decent sized bricks. My backpack was pretty well loaded now. I think I had more springwine than water which might be a problem later. Atiaran had simply made it a habit to ass-slap at this point so I did my best to ignore it.
She continued to recite what must have been a day by day history of this place. I drifted in and out while listening but nothing seemed to make any sense. I did my best to explain that magic wasn't real and although her worldview was perfectly valid from a cultural standpoint her superstitious ignorance might be dangerous considering their obvious lack of modern medical practices or even simple broad spectrum anti-biotics.

Atiaran expressed that they never had trouble with things like "bacteria" and I was mistaken about the existence of magic which she called earth power. I chided her a little about earth power and asked her if she could do crystal healing too. This sent her into a tirade. She started yelling about when she was at the Loresraat she read about the "imperialist misogynistic patriarchy culturally assimilating indigenous peoples and demeaning traditional lifeways" or some such but I had already mentally checked out while she was ranting.

Suddenly as if it had fallen out of my head, I realized that Lena had covered my wound in river mud. I knew I was feeling better and my shoulder didn't seem to hurt at all but rotator cuffs don't heal from mud. I had completely forgotten about the lyme disease too. I mean I wasn't even sure if I had it after all. Instinctively I did a tick search. It is part of the survival mechanism of any archaeologist working in the field. I hadn't done one in days and we'd been wandering around in fields and woods. Luckily no ticks but I decided to make it a daily routine.

The next day was a rough one. My prophetic thought about bringing too much springwine had come true. I woke up with a headache like someone had cracked open my head and put my brain in a blender. I was naked next to an equally naked Atiaran. I coughed and jumped up to find my clothes.
"Jason McClain, you know I don't have to return to Mithil Stonedown. Trell and I have an open relationship."
My mind raced as I tried not to openly weep.
"Look you are a great gal for sure but I think I must have had too much to drink so let's not talk about anything today. Anything. No gianthand or vilefriend or whatever the hell you've rambling on about for the last week. Alot of strange things seem to be happening to me and I'm trying to keep the crazy from seeping out, ok?"
She gave a look of annoyance and shrugged her shoulders.
Luckily for me she mostly honored my request.

"We must stop and watch the Celebration of Spring. It is one of the wonders of the Land. The Dancing of the Wraiths is a joy to see. Will you Jason McClain."
"Well, I've got to be honest I'm not sure that I'm all that interested. No offense I am sure it is fantastic but I feel like we've really got to get me and my little dog to see the wizard so I can get home. Know what I mean?" See failed to get my reference and looked stunned by my rejection. It seemed that she was ready to cry.
"Damn it! Why am I such a pushover? Alright, let's see this. I better be impressed. Do we need tickets?"