Lord Baltimore met the Killer of Pain during the early August frost. She (and most assuredly she) was wearing her dress of many regrets. Pockets chock-full of pills and elixers. Salts and snake oils. The rucksack on her back contained the following : a brass sextant, quadrants for altitudes, three artificial horizons, the magnetic azimuth of the sun and polestar, pocket and surveying compasses, a two-pole chain for gauging distances and a log-line reel to measure rate and distance.
dearest sarge,
this paragraph is among the most beautiful of all your work i've read. it absolutely hooked me. lock, stock, and smoking poetry gun.
("smoking poetry gun" being a reference to the scene in jim jarmusch's movie
Deadman in which johnny depp plays william blake:
Marvin (Older Marshall): You William Blake?
William Blake: Yes, I am. Do you know my poetry?
whereupon he takes out two six guns and mows the marshall down - the guns being the poems)
in fact, the entire piece reminds me
very much of a jim jarmusch film, particularly
down by law or
deadman. (my 2 fav jarmusch films are
stranger than paradise and
deadman)
its like reading the screenplay of a jim jarmusch movie. it's poetic and funny and bizarrely cohesive.
i see only
ONE wee baby mechanical problem, the over use of the phrases "with this he..." or "with that they..."
that is the only thing that stuck out to me as disrupting the flow. used once or twice its fine (i didn't actually count the times you used it) and is actually PERFECT for the cadence and the language of the piece. perfectly in character of the piece itself. you might go thru it and see how many times you used it and replace one or two with something else maybe "whereupon they..." or something like that, keeping in character of your usage of language.
and speaking of that (the language character of the piece) and speaking of another
dead thing (which, now come to think of it, is in keeping with the piece too!! lol!!) the language ALSO reminds me of the use of language in
Deadwood. how the writers of that series made obscenity sound like shakespere. your usage of language in this piece is very reminiscent. i love it.
i think its brilliant and look forward to more installments. thanks for reminding me to read the newest and to comment. i didn't see you'd made a comment thread or i would have told you all this before.
hugs,
luce
ps...gawd, you can't tell i'm a fangirl or anything huh!
