I'm posting this as I write it so that you can enjoy it, and so that there is a public record of my writing this. Since it's satire, I can use it, but if somebody else tries to steal the idea, well I can prove I wrote it...
SO:
begin credits:
a long time ago...
... so long ago that your parents were kids!
title music
space battle sequence.
scene I :
Punk Vader enters spaceship, ska-troopers shooting at hippies.
Cut to LO programming DMT2, kicking him into the escape pod and ejecting him.
escape pod reads “Down the hatch!”
cut to pod shooting to planet captioned: Tofuwaine
interior of Spacepod:
LSDPO: shit! this thing’s moving! how’d you get in here?
DMT2 (jimi hendrix guitar)
LSDPO: bad trip man! the princess just shoved you in here... or what? The 70‘s were all kind of a blur to me, man, and the 60‘s... or wait, what’s going on?
DMT2: makes more hendrix, minor key
cut to vader and leary:
music: EMI by the Sex Pistols
LEARY: Punk Vader! Only you could be such a bummer.
PV: I want those plans! Where did you hide them?
LEARY: If it was up your butt you’d know it!
SKATROOPER: Lord Vader, the radar picked up something jettisoned to the surface!
PV: Get down there and find those plans!
SKA: yes lord vader!
PV: (to leary) Senator Organic, you are a hippy, and you must surrender to EMI-pire! We have contracts, you’ve screwed up your last woodstock!
LEARY: Screw you! I’m a princess! It wasn’t my fault the stage collapsed!
PV: What about the bad acid? Wild man Fisher hasn’t come down yet!
LEARY: Cut the crap, man! This is a sit-in! (sits, crosses arms, huffs)
PV: Don’t do that, you look stupid! Ska-troopers! Take her!
(they do)
LEARY: The Senate won’t stand for this, you monster!
PV: Screw your senate! EMI owns that too!
scene 2 tofuwaine, Robutts walking
DMT2: (hendrix)
LSD-PO: wrong way? what? How about we split up... we’ll be safe unless they have Ganjas on this planet...
DMT2: (hendrix)
LSD-PO: So there’s Ganjas here. I still say we split up. You’re really a bringdown, man!
DMT2: (hendrix)
LSD-PO: Don’t call me goldie, the name’s LSD-PO
(they split up)
cut to DMT2 rolling down an arroyo, Ganja’s whispering things that suggest pranksters f***ing with a stoner’s head.
One jumps out and shoots DMT2
scene 3: aboard the Solid Gold Star.
music: something by the day-glo abortions.
Punk Vader pushes LO down in front of a dude with a leasure suit and afro.
LO: Grand Funk Trakin! I thought I recognized the smell of skunk weed!
GFT: Ah, senator Leary Organic. What a pleasure it is to have you somewhere I can torture you quietly for hours! Did you dig this tricked out Solid gold Star, baby? This is my happening and it freaks me out!
LO: (rolls her eyes) Look, man. Your energy is bogus!
GFT: Lord Vader, have your men found the plans?
PV: We found an escape bud, and Robutt tracks rolling away from it!
GFT: Robutts, eh? (leering at the princess) we’ll soon find these ‘butts of yours, princess! In the mean time I think we have other uses for you!
PV: Yeah, like you could tell us where the new hippy Squat is-- the CIA didn’t dig Haight Ashbury very much!
GFT: That’s a good one, Vader! Yes, my groovy waif! Why don’t you lay it on us, so we don’t have to torture you!
LO: You already said you were gonna torture me for kicks!
PV: It’s true, whether it works or not, torture sure passes the time.
GFT: How about we just start torturing her, and worry about finding the squat later?
PV: Let it begin! (reaches for a wall switch: close up: MUZAK, herb alpert begins to play.
LO: Not Herb Albert, I’ll never get it out of my head!
scene 4,
inside a small adobe house. Uncle Zappa pounds on the door.
UZ: Luke you’re taking too long in the bathroom. There’s some Ganjas out here selling Robutts-- you screwed the last butt up, so I want you help me pick my butt!
LUKE: Just a second Uncle Zappa!
UZ: come on, Luke, you’ve been in there for half an hour!
(Luke opens the door and tries to conceal a magazine in a school textbook)
What the hell were you doing in there? Your homework?)
LUKE: No I was just looking through a seed catalog...
UZ: come on, wise ass!
cut to Ganjas lining up some robutts, enter luke and zappa.
UZ: I’m back, I got to show you this chump here...You got one that a kid like this can’t screw up?
GANJA: your son looks like he don’t get enough sunshine! (pulls a playboy from Luke’s book, Luke gets embarrassed and Zappa rolls his eyes)
UZ: I’m his uncle. That’s Luke, one of Steppinwolf’s kids.
LSD-PO: Sir, if you want someone to harsh the young man’s boner, may I suggest DMT2 over there? He’s harshed mine this whole trip!
UZ: Yeah, that sounds good. Throw in the gold one too, since he narced out his friend. I’ll make him have long conversations with vapor condensers!
LSD-PO: oh man!
DMT2- (hendrix)
Cut to aunt guru,
Guru: luke, come and get your supper!
cut back to Zappa and the butts
LUKE: Uncle Zappa, may I be excused from supper? DMT2 seems to have something wedged in him.
UZ: I don’t care what’s wedged in your butt, wash your hands and get to supper!
scene 5, board meeting on the solid gold star. music white zombie
PV: I can’t stand it anymore! Do you know how much cleaning up after all those hippies at woodstock cost this corporation? I don’t even like corporations! But I like money! Somebody better clamp down on these freaks before they try doing another one in 94!
(Generals laugh)
General: hippies trying to be relevent in the 90‘s? “May the Groove be with you!"
GFT: cool it, dude, Punk Vader believes in the groove!
PV: That’s right, so sit down and shut up or I’ll choke bang you! With my hand! From here!
General: (stammering) sorry, lord... vader... know you can... choke bang me... from all the way... over there... with the groove... my tie is... too... tight!
PV: (pounds his fist on the table) That’s enough! Trakin, find me a grateful dead concert to blow up! I’m dying to test the new Plasmatic ray!
GFT: (leaning forward and folding his face into his hands) Yes... the plasmatic ray! Maybe that will get the princess to talk!
SCENE 6: back on tofuwaine Luke is jamming a screwdriver into DMT2
LUKE: I can’t believe Uncle Zappa’s letting me screw up another Robutt!
(we hear thumping and moaning. Luke rolls his eyes )
LUKE: The walls are too thin in here!
a hologram shoots out of the Robutt
LO: Help me Obi Wan McKenna, you’re my only hope!
LUKE: Who’s that? She’s hot, in a way that’s sort of creepy at the same time!
LSD-PO: that’s some captured princess that only a testosterone fueled monkey would want to go rescue. Oh, wait, I’d better shut my...
LUKE: Rescue? Gosh! I always wanted to join the hippies and fight the EMI-pire!
(message stops!)
Hey, play the message again! Or wait... I’m gonna read some comic books and play the message again!
DMT2 (hendrix)
LSD-PO: now he says he won’t play it again until you take him to his owner, Obi-Wan McKenna...
LUKE: Obi-Wan? I wonder if he means old man Chimperson... oh wait, he probably means Ben McKenna, old man chimperson’s dead anyway. Rescue the princess... should I read “savage sword of connan” or “Flaming carrot?”
(spins around and dig’s through a box of comics)
DMT2 wanders out the door.
LSD-PO: Master Luke, DMT2 is sneaking out!
LUKE: God, you’re such a narc! (continues to look through his comics) Archie? How’d I get an archie? Nobody reads archie!
LSD-PO: He’s probably going to get pretty far, those Ganja’s put something funny in his battery pack.
LUKE: Don’t worry about it my uncle will loan me his dune buggy! That’ll be bitchin! We can fly over the desert and fight speed people! Speed people and tweaker raiders! And then I’ll almost get killed but Obi-Wan McKenna will sneak up and wave his hands around and...
Enter McKenna
McKenna: no, don’t bother with all that young Steppinwolf, I was right outside. your butt was coming to get me.
LUKE: Wow! Obi-Wan McKenna! I always thought you were called Ben!
McKenna: Ben? Ben McKenna? (takes out his wallet and looks at his ID) Oh jeeze, will you look at that! When I got my fake ID I specifically asked them for the name “Grizzly Joe Humpsahooker.” No wonder I didn’t get to hump any of those hookers. God, no wonder everyone asks me if I know where to find shrooms!
LUKE: what were you coming out here for anyway?
McKENNA: Your unlce wanted shrooms... so much like your father.
LUKE: You knew my father?
McKENNA: Yes, we were three dog knights together back in the hippies. Anarchist Steppinwolf was my brightest student back then. His consciousness was evolving exponentially. His hunter gatherer ancestors used mushrooms to improve their hunting skills and...
LUKE: Wait, why did he leave me here on a water farm with my uncle? And who was my mother.
McKENNA: Oh, your mother had a great career too somewhere... but I don’t have anything here to give you from her, so I’ll just focus on the father. More like the comic pictures you read.
LUKE: You have something for me?
McKENNA: (pulls out weapon and fires it up) Your father’s iron butterfly knife. An elegant weapon. He used to get blasted and use it cut cut cucumbers. He made great salads. Your mother was a lousy cook though. I still got the Leon Troskies from a biscuit she had out on a cutting board next to some rancid chicken. Luke, your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough. He wanted me to blow your mind and teach you about the Groove!
LUKE: What’s the Groove.
McKENNA: You don’t talk about the Groove. you just get into it, man!
LUKE: Far out! Can we find my father? Maybe he won’t lie to me or try to conceal the groove or anything else from me...
McKENNA: oh, uh... about that, your father... your father’s dead...
LUKE: Dead?
McKENNA: He’s Punk Vader, I mean, no... um Punk Vader. Punk Vader was my brightest student. He Betrayed and murdered your father.
LUKE: Didn’t you just say my father was your brightest student?
McKENNA: Um... let’s just focus on the Groove a minute here okay? You wanna be a three dog knight?
LUKE: (solemly, looking off) I want to become a Three Dog Knight like my father. There’s nothing here for my now that the Ska-Troopers killed my Uncle Zappa and Aunt Guru...
(we hear more pounding and moaning)
McKENNA: Isn’t that them in the next room?
LUKE: I’m trying to block that out. Yes, I will avenge their deaths, and my father’s!
McKENNA: But they aren’t dead!
LUKE: The Ska-Troopers will question the Ganjas and that will lead them back... home!
McKENNA: Well we can probably stay here and prevent that. We both have Iron Butterfly knives...
LUKE: We need to rescue the princess! There’s nothing left here... just ashes and corpses... flaming corpses.
McKENNA: uh... (moaning and pounding gets louder, Obi Wan grimmaces) ... uh, why the hell not. There’s nothing here for you now, let’s get the hell out of here!
(all leave)
(batmaneque spin effect into the next scene along with batman transitional music, batman theme as dune buggy rolls through the desert. )
SCENE 7: Most Paisley spaceport. Focus on street sign as Dune Buggy rolls in.
sign:
Welcome to Most Paisley Spaceport!
Wretched hive of Scum and Villainy since 1977!
These aren’t the Robutts we’re looking for!
Fade to BAR
music: Devo, We’re through being cool.
McKENNA: (looks around) Ok, nobody talk about the Loc Nar and we’ll be cool.
LUKE: What’s a Loc Nar...
McKENNA: Heavy Metal! and I said not to talk about it!
LUKE: Can we talk about the Groove?
McKENNA: We don’t talk about the groove.
(they sit)
McKENNA: Ayahuasca for me, and a shirley temple for my young friend.
Ugly mug: Allah’u’akhbar!
Ugly mug 2: He doesn’t like you.
LUKE: that’s ok, as long as he doesn’t have a bomb strapped to him.
Ugly mug 2: I don’t like you either.
McKENNA suddenly leaps up, weapon flashing, and carves Ugly mug2 up. Ugly mug 1 steps back, terrified.
Ugly mug: That’s ok... Allah’u’akhbar means I love you... yes I love you, you are my friends.
McKenna, (nodding briskly to Luke) See? You don’t talk about the groove, you just feel it!
LUKE: Qu’est que c’est... fa fa fa fa...
McKENNA: Where’s that Ayahuasca?
Bartender: coming up.
Hang Surfer and Chewbiker haul up to the bar.
Hang Surfer: I heard you were looking for a pilot to hide a boner. I’m Hang Surfer. That’s Chew Biker. We got a ship!
McKENNA: is it fast?
HANG SURFER: It’ll shoot the curl, man. It’s hella fast! We got... (leans in and makes a pot smoking gesture) Hydro-drive!
CHEWBIKER: “ack”
LUKE: “ack” aren’t you suppossed to roar or something?
CHEWBIKER: If I’m not gonna get a lot of dialog, I’m doing this like Ace Frehley!
McKENNA: What about the price?
HS: What can you pay?
McKENNA: Well we’re rescuing a princess.
LUKE: And she’s rich!
HS: I need money now. Lava the Lamp has a bounty on me for dumping some spice. And Weedo, his little bitch is...
WEEDO: (poking a gun in hang’s ribs) right behind you. Where’s the money, Surfer?
HS: Weedo, can we talk about this?
McKENNA: I’ll get you your money, my friend.
WEEDO: (in a trance) These are not the Robutt’s I’m looking for...
Hang Surfer spins around and blasts Weedo.
LUKE: Wow, you just blasted some weed!
CHEWBIKER: ack!
McKENNA: We should leave before the Ska-troopers get here...
Hang Surfer: (tossing a coin to the bartender) Sorry about the mess!
(they leave hastily. A large green man in a michael jackson jacket and a helmet, with a fan on his arm walks into the frame)
GREEN MAN: I’m looking for the Terachian!
SCENE 8:
cut to Jefferson Falcon, exterior, music : Jefferson Airplane. voiceover: (Hang Surfer) Woo! just made it! This is the Jefferson Falcon, the bossest stick in the universe! And now, my friends, get ready to feel... the hydro-drive!
cut to interior. Hang Surfer sucking on a tube.
Chewbiker: ack!
HS: hold on, I’m trying to get a hit...
LUKE: What’s happening? I thought you said this thing was fast!
HS: Watch your mouth, gremmie! Going through hydro-space ain’t like dusting crops...
LUKE: We didn’t have crops, we were water farmers...
HS: Well it ain’t like... surfing... oh wait, it is like surfing! (takes another try at the hydro-drive)
cut to exterior, Jefferson Falcon in hydro-space. voiceover, HS : Gnarly!
SCENE 9:
Solid gold star, GFT, PV, stand next to an evil looking weapon. music: plasmatics
GFT: Princess Leary, meet the plasmatic ray. We are pointing it at a Grateful dead target as we speak.
LO: You monster, those are just innocent sheeplike dead-heads out there getting their groove on! That music is really gonna hurt their ears!
GFT: You’d prefer another target? A military target? Name the squat where your hippy friends are hiding from us!
LO: They’re on... mars... try mars... mars would be good.
GFT: There, you see, Lord Vader, she can be co-operative. Especially after all that torture
PV: I love torture.
GFT: I know you do. you may fire when ready...
LO: What?
GFT: We’ll get to your friends on Mars or wherever they really are after we blast the shit out of these unbathed dead heads.
LO: No, you can’t do it, they’re peaceful people and they’re on a lot of acid! You’ll freak them out!
PV: ha! ha! ha! ha!
cut to solid gold star, beam firing out of it, overlay footage of wendy O carving up guitars with chainsaws and driving a bus through TV sets, music increases in volume!
cut to...
SCENE 10:
On board the Jefferson Falcon, McKENNA has a troubled look on his face.
HS: Something wrong?
McKENNA: no, I feel nothing at all, I just sort of felt like leaving the gig to get munchies or something. That makes no sense because I drank lots of ayahuasca back there...
LUKE: (comes through door with burned, smoking clothes, throws a helmet on the ground.) You said the training device wasn’t armed! I couldn’t see through that helmet! You’re a decietful, lying...
McKENNA: Your father could use the Groove... remember, Punk Vader killed him! Stay focused.
LUKE: (in a trance) these aren’t the butts I’m looking for...
effect: Irwin Allen’s meteor storm effect.
What’s happening?
HS: I don’t know, kid, some kind of meteor shower... I thought there was a grateful dead concert going on... But, I guess you won’t find a dead head anywhere near a shower.
CHEW: Ack!
HS: Hella rad idea, Chewey! We’ll hide behind that small moon over there until it clears up... I got more of that hydro down here somewhere for later.
McKENNA: That’s no moon, that’s a space station! And it’s pulling us in!
HS: That’s boag, dude, no space station has the power to intimidate a true fan of the grateful dead.
cut to extrenal, Jefferson Falcon being pulled in. ALL Voiceovers:
McKENNA: We’re dealing with the ultimate weapon here, I think we’d better conceal ourselves.
HS: This is a smuggling ship, I’ll show you where you can hide your boner!
LUKE: Stop saying that!
HIPPY STAR WARS SCREEN PLAY, contains some adult language
Moderators: deer of the dawn, Furls Fire
-
Lord Zombiac
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1116
- Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:32 pm
- Location: the Mountains of New Mexico
- Contact:
HIPPY STAR WARS SCREEN PLAY, contains some adult language
httpsss://www.barbarianclan.com
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
-
Lord Zombiac
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1116
- Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:32 pm
- Location: the Mountains of New Mexico
- Contact:
minor note-- white zombie song I wanted to use is "gentleman junkie." the Jefferson airplane song I want to use is "she has funny cars." undecided on dayglo abortions-- so many good ones to choose from.
httpsss://www.barbarianclan.com
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
-
Lord Zombiac
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1116
- Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:32 pm
- Location: the Mountains of New Mexico
- Contact:
cut to skatrooper reporting to PV music: Joy Division "they walked in line"
SKA: we picked up a hippy van out of most paisley.
PV: Perhaps some dirty hippy is trying to get their butts back to the garden.
SKA: are they stardust? are they golden?
PV: Just get to that hippy van and find those butts!(ska troopers leave) God I smell pachoili oil, a presence I haven't felt since...
music continues-- louder, cut to cargo bay, slapstick speed sneak in with uniform schtick.
SCENE 11: control room DMT2 plugs into a wall cable marked "butt plug"
DMT2: (hendrix)
LSDPO: he says the princess is holding a demostration in her cell on level 67
HS: I'm hangin' here, dudes.
LUKE: But we need to rescue the princess. I bet she has a beach house in Malibu, Hang, she's rich.
CHEW: Ack!
HS: bitchin' I'm there, (to McKENNA) come on Silver Surfer!
McKENNA: I'll shut off the grab-ass beam so you can escape when you've got her. My path lies on... oh, you know, I'm tripping.
They begin to leave, luke looks back at McKenna
McKENNA: remember, Luke, Groove is in the heart.
shots of them getting to cell block.
Close up of HS finger indexing several glowing buttons, 50-70. all buttons are labeled "this ain't the summer of love" except for 67, which says "this, however, IS the summer of love"
HS punches button, cut to LO emerging from her cell carrying a placard saying: Impeach Emperor Amphetamine
LO: (aren't you a little short for a Ska Trooper?)
LUKE: What? I'm tall and gangly... (looks at his hands) and my palms are hairy... (looks at LEARY) I'm Luke Steppenwolf, wanna go on a magic carpet ride?
cut to HS with his head in a garbage shoot:
HS: Oh wow! Tubular! It smells like skunk down there!
LUKE: Come on, you didn't even shoot anything or smart off to any ska-troopers.
HS: (jumping in the tube) Riptide!
CHEW BIKER ROLLS his eyes and follows.
LUKE: Nobody's actually chasing us right now, we don't have to hide!
LO: (jumping down the shoot) no recyclables, man!
LUKE: (shoots his blaster) Okay, I guess we'll have company now...
voice from tube (HS) Dude we all just totally rag-dolled it!
cut to controll room:
LSDPO-- what? You're being crushed to death and the Princess is ranting about all the recyclables in the garbage pit?
cut to LUKE, screaming in a walkie talkie:
LUKE: Shut down the trash compactor on level b2t67uiil98609
cut to LSDPO: (LUKE's voice muttering numbers on radio) Quit reading me all those confusing numbers, captain bringdown! I'll shut them all off!
cut to McKENNA on a ledge, cut to close up of his hand reaching a switch labeled "grab-ass beam" cut to medium shot, shift in lighting and sound effects suggest THE ENTIRE SOLID GOLD STAR is now without almost all power.
McKENNA: If I knew the Robutt could do that I wouldn't have had to walk this ledge!
cut to HS, LEARY, CHEW and LUKE blasting through ska-troopers.
LEARY, leaning and whispering to LUKE: hey I wanted to split up so we could make out somewhere and swing on a rope.
LUKE: Uh... I just keep getting this funny feeling that we shouldn't go there!
Cut to McKENNA making his way through the hanger, PV looms into view, igniting his weapon.
McKENNA: Feeling lucky, punk?
PV: What kind of bullshit are you telling people now, you crackpot?
McKENNA: Hey! I'm a genious! You can't win anyway! The more you cut me down, the stronger I'll become!
(mcKenna ignites his weapon)
PV: Oh, that kind of bullshit!
cut to, LSDPO and DMT2,
LSDPO-- come on, DMT2, we're leaving! (exit)
cut to swordfight
PV: Looks like I'm the master, (McKENNA opens his mouth to speak) and don't call me a master of evil! I'm a master of punk!
McKENNA: Big deal, I only understand the evolution of the human mind and how to turn on, (sarcastically) that didn't take about a million bong hits!
Everyone starts fighting in the hanger, Luke looks back at McKenna.
LUKE: Ben!
McKENNA: It was supposed to be Grizzly Joe... (he is interupted by getting cut in half)
LUKE: (shooting) Ben!
HS: come on, gremmie, you're gonna spin out if we don't Jazz it now!
LUKE: No!
they get on the Jefferson Falcon,
cut to strapping in:
HS: I hope your dead friend shut the grab ass beam off or this whole surfari is gonna be a shorebreak.
LUKE: I don't think he needed to, after the robutt shut off all the power!
CHEW: (pulling accelerator switch) Ack!
SCENE 12: launch out of solid gold star, and space battle.
SKA: we picked up a hippy van out of most paisley.
PV: Perhaps some dirty hippy is trying to get their butts back to the garden.
SKA: are they stardust? are they golden?
PV: Just get to that hippy van and find those butts!(ska troopers leave) God I smell pachoili oil, a presence I haven't felt since...
music continues-- louder, cut to cargo bay, slapstick speed sneak in with uniform schtick.
SCENE 11: control room DMT2 plugs into a wall cable marked "butt plug"
DMT2: (hendrix)
LSDPO: he says the princess is holding a demostration in her cell on level 67
HS: I'm hangin' here, dudes.
LUKE: But we need to rescue the princess. I bet she has a beach house in Malibu, Hang, she's rich.
CHEW: Ack!
HS: bitchin' I'm there, (to McKENNA) come on Silver Surfer!
McKENNA: I'll shut off the grab-ass beam so you can escape when you've got her. My path lies on... oh, you know, I'm tripping.
They begin to leave, luke looks back at McKenna
McKENNA: remember, Luke, Groove is in the heart.
shots of them getting to cell block.
Close up of HS finger indexing several glowing buttons, 50-70. all buttons are labeled "this ain't the summer of love" except for 67, which says "this, however, IS the summer of love"
HS punches button, cut to LO emerging from her cell carrying a placard saying: Impeach Emperor Amphetamine
LO: (aren't you a little short for a Ska Trooper?)
LUKE: What? I'm tall and gangly... (looks at his hands) and my palms are hairy... (looks at LEARY) I'm Luke Steppenwolf, wanna go on a magic carpet ride?
cut to HS with his head in a garbage shoot:
HS: Oh wow! Tubular! It smells like skunk down there!
LUKE: Come on, you didn't even shoot anything or smart off to any ska-troopers.
HS: (jumping in the tube) Riptide!
CHEW BIKER ROLLS his eyes and follows.
LUKE: Nobody's actually chasing us right now, we don't have to hide!
LO: (jumping down the shoot) no recyclables, man!
LUKE: (shoots his blaster) Okay, I guess we'll have company now...
voice from tube (HS) Dude we all just totally rag-dolled it!
cut to controll room:
LSDPO-- what? You're being crushed to death and the Princess is ranting about all the recyclables in the garbage pit?
cut to LUKE, screaming in a walkie talkie:
LUKE: Shut down the trash compactor on level b2t67uiil98609
cut to LSDPO: (LUKE's voice muttering numbers on radio) Quit reading me all those confusing numbers, captain bringdown! I'll shut them all off!
cut to McKENNA on a ledge, cut to close up of his hand reaching a switch labeled "grab-ass beam" cut to medium shot, shift in lighting and sound effects suggest THE ENTIRE SOLID GOLD STAR is now without almost all power.
McKENNA: If I knew the Robutt could do that I wouldn't have had to walk this ledge!
cut to HS, LEARY, CHEW and LUKE blasting through ska-troopers.
LEARY, leaning and whispering to LUKE: hey I wanted to split up so we could make out somewhere and swing on a rope.
LUKE: Uh... I just keep getting this funny feeling that we shouldn't go there!
Cut to McKENNA making his way through the hanger, PV looms into view, igniting his weapon.
McKENNA: Feeling lucky, punk?
PV: What kind of bullshit are you telling people now, you crackpot?
McKENNA: Hey! I'm a genious! You can't win anyway! The more you cut me down, the stronger I'll become!
(mcKenna ignites his weapon)
PV: Oh, that kind of bullshit!
cut to, LSDPO and DMT2,
LSDPO-- come on, DMT2, we're leaving! (exit)
cut to swordfight
PV: Looks like I'm the master, (McKENNA opens his mouth to speak) and don't call me a master of evil! I'm a master of punk!
McKENNA: Big deal, I only understand the evolution of the human mind and how to turn on, (sarcastically) that didn't take about a million bong hits!
Everyone starts fighting in the hanger, Luke looks back at McKenna.
LUKE: Ben!
McKENNA: It was supposed to be Grizzly Joe... (he is interupted by getting cut in half)
LUKE: (shooting) Ben!
HS: come on, gremmie, you're gonna spin out if we don't Jazz it now!
LUKE: No!
they get on the Jefferson Falcon,
cut to strapping in:
HS: I hope your dead friend shut the grab ass beam off or this whole surfari is gonna be a shorebreak.
LUKE: I don't think he needed to, after the robutt shut off all the power!
CHEW: (pulling accelerator switch) Ack!
SCENE 12: launch out of solid gold star, and space battle.
httpsss://www.barbarianclan.com
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
-
Lord Zombiac
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1116
- Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:32 pm
- Location: the Mountains of New Mexico
- Contact:
KEVIN'S WATCH NOTE: Monty Python's "Bigus Dickus" makes a special appearance below!
post space battle, close up, HS: wooo! we did it!
LUKE: That was too easy, even for hippies.
LEARY: Who didn't even have a plan.
CHEW: Ack!
HS: Righteous, Chewey! Where DO we go from here, Princess?
LEARY: We're going to the hippy squat on Jammin' IV, if it's not too late.
HS: How could it be too late?
LEARY: I just got a feeling...
cut to Solid Gold Star.
SKA TROOPER: Lord Vader we stashed the tracking device and allowed the Hippys to escape.
PV: Excellent! I will prepare the Plasmatic beam!
GFT: We'll soon have them! Lay in a course and proceed as soon as we learn where those crummy hippies are holing up!
SCENE 13
cut to, warehouse, big boxes labeled "dynamite" and sakcs with dollar signs on them line the wall. There is a poster on the wall of Che Guevara with a lightsaber, captioned "Groove is in the Heart"
Hippy general: (pointing at a blackboard) We've anlalized the plans to the solid gold star and found a weakness! If we go down this reverse-mowhak here, we can fire our roman candles down this shaft here, causing a detonation that will bring the whole trip down! A direct hit, and only a direct hit is what I need from the bong right now, but before I go, did you score the roman candles, Bigus Dickus?
Bigus Dickus: (lisping) Yeth Thir! I Thcored over theventy-thix of them and have thrtaegically thentered them in all hendricth fighterth!
LUKE: (overjoyed) Bigus! I haven't seen you since the toga party we had on Tofuwaine before you joined the hippies!
BIGUS DICKUS: (lisping) What have you been up to Luke? Thtill Shooting bong rat-th back home?
LUKE: I'm not back home, I'm here... how much Roman red have you smoked Bigus?
cut to hippy general smoking a bong:
HIPPY GENERAL: Get in your hendrix fighters, and may the groove be with you!
(hippies cheer) Cut to Luke talking to HS, who is putting stuff in the Jefferson Falcon
LUKE: So I guess you're not coming with us?
HS: Naw, this is too shway! got to give Lava the Lamp his money and get to Big Sur before everything goes lake!
LUKE: Well catch a wave dude! I guess that's what you're good at. (luke turns to leave)
HS: Hey Luke!
(luke turns back)
HS: Groove is in the surf.
Luke nods and leaves.
cut to hedrix fighter hanger-- everyone getting on board, lights flashing-- Announcement: "ATTENTION HIPPIES! SOLID GOLD STAR SIGHTED! SOME LAMO LEFT THE BACK DOOR OPEN!"
SCENE 14 : hendrix fighters flying. Solid gold star launching thaistick fighters, Muisc: Purple Haze
LUKE: Thaistick fighters!
BIGUS: (lisping) Theemth like there-th a million of them!
LUKE: There's the reverse mowhawk! Dive!
cut to fighters and battle.
cut PV and GFT:
GFT: You aren't going to actually go out there and fight are you?
PV: Don't try to stop me, Trakin! These hippies need to be taught a lesson! Wait til they see my bad ass-customized thaistick fighter!
GFT: Well if you're stopping by the allsups be sure you bring me a bottle of dark eyes!
PV: Booze money first!
cut to hendrix fighter shooting a roman candle.
BIGUS: (lisping) it'th a hit! I thcored! I thcored!
LUKE: Negative. you just impacted off a liberty spike
cut to Vader's fighter, Music: Redd Kross "S&M party" fighter shoots down hendrix fighter
cut to luke:
LUKE: Bigus! No!
Ghost of McKENNA in overlay: Oh, now it's "Bigus!" what happened to "Ben!"
LUKE: Ben?
McKENNA: Use the Groove, Luke!
LUKE: But you never told me how to use the Groove!
McKENNA: You don't talk about the Groove! You just get into it man!
Music changes: Purple haze again
cut to Luke's Hendrix fighter diving. Vader's fighter following
Music changes: S&M party again, close up of PV: I have you now!
close up of Luke putting on Lennon sunglasses
cut to Vader firing at luke
Cut to Jefferson Falcon roaring in and firing. Change music: Jefferson Airplane: somebody to love, PV gets hit and rolls
Close up, PV: Damn hippies!
HS: You're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing so we can all get stoned!
luke fires, pulls up, Solid Gold Star blow's up.
LUKE: How about that, Grand Funk? Who's your Captain, now?
Blast theme music two: Title Screen: THE SEQUEL STRIKES BACK
voiceover: LUKE: Wait! What about our award ceremony?
PV: Are you kidding? Hippies don't give out medals!
post space battle, close up, HS: wooo! we did it!
LUKE: That was too easy, even for hippies.
LEARY: Who didn't even have a plan.
CHEW: Ack!
HS: Righteous, Chewey! Where DO we go from here, Princess?
LEARY: We're going to the hippy squat on Jammin' IV, if it's not too late.
HS: How could it be too late?
LEARY: I just got a feeling...
cut to Solid Gold Star.
SKA TROOPER: Lord Vader we stashed the tracking device and allowed the Hippys to escape.
PV: Excellent! I will prepare the Plasmatic beam!
GFT: We'll soon have them! Lay in a course and proceed as soon as we learn where those crummy hippies are holing up!
SCENE 13
cut to, warehouse, big boxes labeled "dynamite" and sakcs with dollar signs on them line the wall. There is a poster on the wall of Che Guevara with a lightsaber, captioned "Groove is in the Heart"
Hippy general: (pointing at a blackboard) We've anlalized the plans to the solid gold star and found a weakness! If we go down this reverse-mowhak here, we can fire our roman candles down this shaft here, causing a detonation that will bring the whole trip down! A direct hit, and only a direct hit is what I need from the bong right now, but before I go, did you score the roman candles, Bigus Dickus?
Bigus Dickus: (lisping) Yeth Thir! I Thcored over theventy-thix of them and have thrtaegically thentered them in all hendricth fighterth!
LUKE: (overjoyed) Bigus! I haven't seen you since the toga party we had on Tofuwaine before you joined the hippies!
BIGUS DICKUS: (lisping) What have you been up to Luke? Thtill Shooting bong rat-th back home?
LUKE: I'm not back home, I'm here... how much Roman red have you smoked Bigus?
cut to hippy general smoking a bong:
HIPPY GENERAL: Get in your hendrix fighters, and may the groove be with you!
(hippies cheer) Cut to Luke talking to HS, who is putting stuff in the Jefferson Falcon
LUKE: So I guess you're not coming with us?
HS: Naw, this is too shway! got to give Lava the Lamp his money and get to Big Sur before everything goes lake!
LUKE: Well catch a wave dude! I guess that's what you're good at. (luke turns to leave)
HS: Hey Luke!
(luke turns back)
HS: Groove is in the surf.
Luke nods and leaves.
cut to hedrix fighter hanger-- everyone getting on board, lights flashing-- Announcement: "ATTENTION HIPPIES! SOLID GOLD STAR SIGHTED! SOME LAMO LEFT THE BACK DOOR OPEN!"
SCENE 14 : hendrix fighters flying. Solid gold star launching thaistick fighters, Muisc: Purple Haze
LUKE: Thaistick fighters!
BIGUS: (lisping) Theemth like there-th a million of them!
LUKE: There's the reverse mowhawk! Dive!
cut to fighters and battle.
cut PV and GFT:
GFT: You aren't going to actually go out there and fight are you?
PV: Don't try to stop me, Trakin! These hippies need to be taught a lesson! Wait til they see my bad ass-customized thaistick fighter!
GFT: Well if you're stopping by the allsups be sure you bring me a bottle of dark eyes!
PV: Booze money first!
cut to hendrix fighter shooting a roman candle.
BIGUS: (lisping) it'th a hit! I thcored! I thcored!
LUKE: Negative. you just impacted off a liberty spike
cut to Vader's fighter, Music: Redd Kross "S&M party" fighter shoots down hendrix fighter
cut to luke:
LUKE: Bigus! No!
Ghost of McKENNA in overlay: Oh, now it's "Bigus!" what happened to "Ben!"
LUKE: Ben?
McKENNA: Use the Groove, Luke!
LUKE: But you never told me how to use the Groove!
McKENNA: You don't talk about the Groove! You just get into it man!
Music changes: Purple haze again
cut to Luke's Hendrix fighter diving. Vader's fighter following
Music changes: S&M party again, close up of PV: I have you now!
close up of Luke putting on Lennon sunglasses
cut to Vader firing at luke
Cut to Jefferson Falcon roaring in and firing. Change music: Jefferson Airplane: somebody to love, PV gets hit and rolls
Close up, PV: Damn hippies!
HS: You're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing so we can all get stoned!
luke fires, pulls up, Solid Gold Star blow's up.
LUKE: How about that, Grand Funk? Who's your Captain, now?
Blast theme music two: Title Screen: THE SEQUEL STRIKES BACK
voiceover: LUKE: Wait! What about our award ceremony?
PV: Are you kidding? Hippies don't give out medals!
httpsss://www.barbarianclan.com
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
-
Lord Zombiac
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1116
- Joined: Sun Aug 15, 2010 6:32 pm
- Location: the Mountains of New Mexico
- Contact:
SCENE 15:
planet Hash. Caption: Planet Hash music: Dr. John "cold cold cold."
cut to interior, hippy squat. Luke is shivering.
HS: come on, kid, it's not that cold!
LUKE: then why this there snow and ice everywhere?
HS: that's not snow, kid, that's Kief!
LUKE: (puzzled expression) I thought Kief was amber...
HS: Not on a bad ass bud of silver haze, it's not!
LUKE: I think I'm gonna go out and try to freeze to death anyway. I need sleep in some poor creature's intestines and hang upside down having visions.
HS: Why bother? (dusts off his boots) Smoke some of this and you can have your vision right here!
LUKE: ok, maybe just this once... (begins to gather kief)
HS: Later, dude! I'm gonna try to nail the wahini we rescued.
LUKE: Great, now he thinks he's from Hawai'i! (feels his pockets) where's that pipe Chew-biker gave me?
enter ghost of McKenna:
McKENNA: Luke! Put that stuff down! You're not old enough! Your father wouldn't approve!
LUKE: So... I get to have visions anyway. Not my way or the fun way. (drops keif) What is it this time?
McKENNA: Luke! you must go to the Day-Glo-Ba system and seek Babba Yo-Daas! He is a great warrior who will complete your training!
LUKE: Babba Yo-Daas is a great warrior? He's only two feet tall and a vegetarian. Why do I keep getting this feeling that you like to lie to me?
mCKENNA: (startled) You know who Babba Yo-Daas is? That was supposed to be a big surprise!
LUKE: My aunt's name was "Guru." I'm from Tofuwaine. It's not like I've never been in a new age bookstore... of course I know who Babba Yo-Daas is!
McKENNA: Well fine then, find him yourself! (vanishes)
LUKE: (sarcastically) Wait! Where are you going? Don't you want to tell me we don't talk about the groove or some other trite piece of drivel?
McKENNA: (voiceover only) Don't be smart, young man! Now go to Day-Glo-Ba!
cut to HS leaning in to kiss LEARY, she smacks him.
HS: Come on! you don't really want Luke more than me, do you? For some reason that creeps me out!
LEARY: For your information, niether one of you is my type. You happen to be a scoundrel.
HS: Oh I get it. All men are scoundrels. You wear comfortable shoes and preffer mousy girls with glasses!
LEARY: Hey, watch it! That's not what I meant!
HS: Well who IS your type?
LEARY: Uh... I don't know, Captain Pickard!
HS: THAT peeler?
LEARY: Yeah, I'm totally into silver surfers! I like my bone to be fossil hard! Think you can cut it?
HS: You're pounding me!
LEARY: Better you than me!
HS: That sounds like somthing I was going to say at some point...
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention! Looks like the EMI-pire has located us again! EVERYONE CHEESE IT! We'll meet up later on the mooons of End-war!
HS is about to say something, but LEARY puts her finger to his lips and Shhh's him.
LEARY: Trust me, it would have ended badly for you!
cut to Imperial battle cruiser: music: Black Flag "Wasted"
SCENE 16:
a general approaches PV.
General: Ralph Nader, the rebels are escaping planet hash!
PV: What? What did you call me?
General: I'm sorry... I never voted for the man, after all...
PV: You know about the choke banging, don't you? You know I choke bang people, right? TILL YOUR EYES POP OUT!!! (makes gesture)
General: Lord Vader! Lord Vader! The rebels...
PV: I know. I'm only interested in one or two of them. I'm biding my time, readying my dire machinations until...
General: dire machinations! Shit I forgot!
PV: forgot what?
General: There's a bounty Hunter here to see you... Bong-a-Hitt or something...
PV: Send him in, you worm! I can still choke bang you, you know! I'm not ready to kiss and make up, yet you know!
General: I'll get him right away LORD VA-DER (runs off as Vader makes a threatening gesture)
PV: (huffs) Ralph Nader!
SCENE 17: inside the Jefferson Falcon
LEARY: Great job getting us out of there, we have an imperial cruiser on us now!
HS: Public restrooms don't interest me, imperial or not! (suck on plastic tube, we see the lights dim and hear a power failure noise) The Hydro Drive! Chewie!
CHEW: Ack!
LSD-PO: We're doomed man! I can't believe it! I was just taking a nap in the escape bud, coming down from a trip...
CHEW: (threateningly) ack!
HS: Yeah, you better back down.
LSD-PO: Why does he always have to win?
HS: I said it before; he's a boogie. They don't like to loose. They tend to rip the arms of off people they loose to... remember the game?
LEARY: (rolls her eyes) Uh, the grown ups here would like to know what you're going to do about the imperial cruiser that's shooting at us!
(Irwin allen effect)
HS: Hang on, I think we can loose him in that hemmerhoid field!
LEARY: Those are asteroids!
HS: It makes more sense the other way around, doesn't it?
LEARY: Great, now he thinks he's Robert Schimmel!
cut to exterior, the Falcon is diving into asteroids, LSD-PO: God, you can't mean to navigate those flying chunks of rocks, can you?
HS: Go for the arms CHEWEY!
CHEW: Ack! (we hear smashing metal) music: the Meatmen "crippled children suck"
asteroid navigation scene, Cruiser gets hit by asteroids, Falcon dives down hole.
cut to interior: LSD-PO is now in a basket on CHEW's back.
CHEW: Ack! (leaves room)
LSD-PO: (off screen) sure, you wanna go fix the hydro-drive, but you won't fix me!
HS leans back, LEARY mops her brow.
HS: Sure is dark in here.
LEARY: yeah, the lighting is almost romantic...
HS: Do you... do you really wanna bone down on Captain Pickard?
LEARY: Not really... I guess scoundrels can be kind of sexy too, after they navigate an asteroid field and get my heart all pounding.
HS: Wanna suck face?
LEARY: Why not? (leans in to kiss him)
Irwin Allen effect! They stop...
LEARY: What was that?
HS: Who cares?
LEARY: If you go out and check that will only make me more horny!
HS: (grinning) I'll be right back, babe! (winks)
cut to exterior, HS, descending steps into cavern. Makes a sniffing face.
HS: smells like fish in here...
Distant Voice: Pinocchio!
close up: HS mouths the word Pinocchio. alarmed expression crosses his features.
HS: (running up steps) Leary! Chewey! We got to get out of here!
cut to interior, HS, straps in.
HS: We're in the belly of some kind of monster!
LEARY: Yeah, I know. Chew-biker figured it out while you were outside!
(pan out, Chewey is now in the frame, holding a skeleton with long white hair and an archaic robe on. The Skeleton has a name tag on his robe that reads: Hello! My name is Jonah!)
cut to exterior. Falcon shoots up hole, out of whale's mouth a white whale , shoots from cave, going after them. We see Captain Ahab dangling from harpoon lines on the whale's side.
cut to interior: shot from behind-- imperial cruiser.
LEARY: What are you doing? You're heading strait for the imperial cruiser!
HS: I know, kinda sexy, eh?
LEARY: Actually, this isn't helpng too much.
HS: Relax, I god a totally rad plan!
cut to exterior: falcon settles down on cruiser.
voiceover: LEARY: This is your plan? Why do I get so annoyed at you, but can't help wanting to get it on with you?
HS: It's like we're married or something, eh? Hang on, you'll see what I got in mind when we get close to where we wanna be!
cut to:
SCENE 18: Luke in his Hendrix fighter, flying over Day-Glo-Ba
cut to: close up: DMT2: (hendrix)
cut to LUKE, grinning ear to ear.
LUKE: I know, isn't it great that I can finally understand what you say now? McKenna was RIGHT about PEYOTE!
DMT2: (hendrix)
LUKE: Relax! I know how to fly this thing,,, what do you mean, "Re-entry friction"? What IS that?
cut to fighter diving into the planet's clouds, catching fire.
LUKE: (voiceover) Is it just me or does peyote make everyone feel like they're on fire? (hednrix)
cut to :
SCENE 19: imperial cruiser dumps trash.
Cut to interior, LEARY is upset.
LEARY: Those monsters! They're littering space itself!
pan to Chew-biker, now wearing a head-band and feather, a tear runs down his cheek.
cut to exterior, the falcon detaches, floats away with trash.
voiceovers:
HS: See that? floating around in trash, just like when we first met!
LEARY: (tenderly) You remembered!
HS: Wow, amazing how you can go from hating my guts to being in love with me!
LEARY: That's just how "the weaker sex"is!
CHEW: ack!
HS: What are you talking about, Chewey, who the hell is Gloria Stienham?
Bong-a-hitt's hidden spacecraft is seen, shadowing them.
Cut to SCENE 20:
LUKE is hacking through a swampy jungle with a machete. He picks up a fallen roadsign and reads it aloud:
LUKE: Baton Rougue Louisiana... 40 miles... how did we end up here?
DMT2: (hendrix)
LUKE: I'm just grateful the audience doesn't understand what a crock you just explained that away with!
keep hacking at the brush, pauses.
LUKE: utterly unbelievable crock!
pan to Yo-Daas, hopping out of the bushes.
Yo-Daas: stop! my home this is!
LUKE: Babba Yo Daas? How can it be you? Obi-Wan said you were on Day-Glo-Ba!
McKENNA voiceover: Oh! NOW he stops calling me "Ben!"
Yo-Daas: Thought I was home, he did. On vacation I am!
LUKE: (giving the brush another whack) I thought you said your home... this... was (puzzled at himself for talking that way)
Yo-Daas:( clearing away brush to reveal an RV.) No! my home THIS is... mobile I mean!
LUKE: well can we go inside? I didn't pack my pesticide spray when I hastily fled in terror from the Imperial attack!
Yo-Daas: yes, yes! You and your robutt! come! come! get you stoned I will.
cut to interior of RV. Yo-Daas is smoking a fattie, among the litter of LUKE's Belongings.
Yo-Daas: How you get so stoned smoking weed of this kind?
LUKE: I don't. That isn't weed, it's mint tea. I'm told my father wouldn't aprove. I thought when you invited me in we'd be smoking YOURS, anyway.
Yo-Daas: kick your ass out I will, if you don't quit smarting off! Right about you was McKenna. (mystically) and right were the trees! and the stones, especially the stones, they think you're really cocky, and the birds and the wind and the ship!
Pan to the window, where we see the charred hendrix fighter. pause, then continue panning to a little stand with a wooden model ship on it.
LUKE gets up:
LUKE: Wow! nice model! do make model airplanes too?
Yo-Daas: (mystically) yes. and model trees, and model cats and model dogs and model stones... and the ship...
LUKE: Yeah, I thought it was MY job to levitate the ship... but about those models... do you have any airplane glue? I can't smoke pot, but I bet my father wouldn't mind if I got high on something legal like airplane glue!
Yo-Daas: (dropping ship abruptly to a loud, angry sounding thunk!) Bullshit that is! Crazy the laws are! Bad for you is glue! Good for you is weed! Out you go, young Three Dog Knight! your first quest this is to find it!
LUKE: Where am I supposed to find weed?
Yo-Daas: Some kind of idiot are you? A fucking swamp this is! Go! Go! Guide you, I will!
cut to luke, wandering in the swamp, overlays suggest a long path with many turns, voiceovers of : to the left! Not there, over that rock, climb, etc., finally we stop before a big whopping hollow tree.
Voiceover: Yo Daas: Into the tree, you go! There, is the weed!
LUKE bends down and picks up a jar labeled "Hunny"
LUKE: who lives in this tree? Are you trying to get me eaten by a bear or something?
Yo-Daas: There is no bear; only endure!
LUKE: I guess crazy talk and deception are part of my training...
Yo-Daas: hurry up and get the weed!
LUKE: (grmbling) alright, but I'm still not ready to try pot! I'm still into the simple, innocent, youthful pleasures, like masturbation...
LUKE goes into the tree, it dark and foggy, suddenly PV looms out at LUKE:
LUKE: Punk Vader! How did you get in here?
PV: You'll never live to know (fires up his Iron Butterfly Knife)! You need a haircut, Hippy!
LUKE: Dad!
PV: (pauses, startled) huh? I haven't told...
LUKE: You killed my dad!
PV: Oh, yeah, that's right and now I'm gonna kill you!
LUKE: Lies!
PV stops his attack again.
LUKE: Lies! Yo-Daas and McKenna told me to get weed! They tell me Marijuana is GOOD for you...
PV: (hold out bag full of weed) Look, I got your weed, Kid! We're supposed to fight to see who gets it. Then you cut my head off, and it rolls to your feet-- but it's got my face see, and then...
LUKE: or I could just walk out the knothole I came in from!
PV: What?
LUKE: I could walk out the knothole I came on from and let that knobby green troll find his own weed. I keep telling people I'll pass, but they keep passing me joints...
PV: Why are you telling me all this? Am I your dad or something?
LUKE: Look, I learned to talk to the stupid noisy Robutt. I don't think there's any need for all this decapitation and stuff. I'm leaving.
PV: but the weed!
LUKE: Shove it!
PV: The groove is strong in this one!
(vanishes)
LUKE: (laughs, runs in and picks up fallen bag of weed) Psyche! Yo-Daas! Break out the Hookah for this one!
cut to Scene 21: The Jefferson Falcon flying through the air to cloud city. Music: the Byrds "Eight miles high"
cut to landing pad: HS and LEARY stumble out in a daze, hair and clothes dishoveled,
LEARY: That was great! But let's straiten up and pretend this didn't happen... Lucas just told a reporter this movie was for kids!
Cut to Rainbow Californian and his men. Rainbow glowers at HS
Rainbow: You got a lot of nerve to come back here after what you just pulled and... man, your zipper is open and you got something nasty hanging down!
cut to HS and LEARY, straitening their clothes.
HS: Look, don't get crazy about me and your wife, it was a long time ago and we both were doing a lot of porno movies... I mean, sometimes, even if you're not in the same picture, your trailer might be next to hers and ...
Rainbow: whoa ! whoa! back up... I was just kidding you, man, but damn! I didn't know that about Monique! She made pornos?
HS: Yeah it was a... surprise that someone with a stage name like monique DeSwallowchoad would have stooped to doing porn... I don't... (trying to think of a lie) know why I was going to tell you about her turning me from her trailer when I was only there selling bibles...
Rainbow hugs HS, beaming lovingly at his friend,
Rainbow: man it's good to see you! How are you treating my ship?
HS: You know, I take her to Hawai'i, we carve some dunzo Tesanis...
Rainbow: (waving his hands dismissively) Hang, hang... you know I can't understand you when you talk that way brother. Aren't you gonna introduce me to your lovely girlfriend?
rainbow takes LEARY's hand as she grins and twirls her finger through a lock of hair.
LEARY: (as he kisses her hand) He's not my boyfriend, we kind of have this love/hate thing going... he really turns me on though... (giggles) your teeth tickle! Wow! your mustache is making me tingle.
HS: (putting his hands on his hips) Hey! knock it off! we aren't dating, but we haven't had the time!
Rainbow: (releasing her hand , fiegning reluctance and dipping his head charmingly. He keeps his eyes on the princess, even while addressing HS) understood, my wave catching groover! You still haven't introduced us!
HS: Oh. That's Princess Leary. I rescued her from some space station that exploded.
Rainbow: A princess! How lucky I am to be in your presence, madame! I am Rainbow Californian, proprioter of this mining opperation. I welcome you to this city as honored guests. I have a sumptuous banquet awaiting you inside!
CHEW-BIKER walks down the steps, LSD-po writhing in the basket on his back.
CHEW: ack!
Rainbow: Oh, Chew-biker! Sounds like you're still bummed out about Vinny Vincent replacing Ace Frehley... they've been through two other guitarists now, man. I don't think Ace coming back...
LSD-PO: Wow, dude, nice to see you! May I ask what it is you mine exectly, up here in the sky?
Rainbow: (turning his back and ignoring the robutt) men, lower your weapons, I was just trying to pull his leg, now remember? He's my friend now remember (makes stealthy, conspiratorial gestures) Come this way, my friends, we have bread, we have wine, about 11 other guests in elegant pre-historic robes and shepard head dresses... I invited Jonah, but he never showed up for some reason. (walks out of frame, continuing to entice them.)
cut to:
Scene 22:
Babba Yo-Daas lying stoned on the ground giggling.
LUKE leaps up from repose, suddenly alert and concerned.
LUKE: I have to leave now... I feel like something terrible is going to happen if I don't go!
Yo-Daas continues to giggle.
LUKE: No, don't try to stop me! I know I'm young and impulsive and not finished with my training, but I can't let anything happen to my friends!
Yo-Daas: Wow! Robutt yours like a WEED grinder looks from this carpet.
LUKE: You're lying in the GRASS! You're OUTSIDE!
Yo-Daas rolls into a ball and starts laughing hysterically.
Yo-Daas: did you see that? Steppinwolf FELL for my Baton Rouge gag! oh! and the little Robutt did too!
DMT2 (hendrix)
LUKE: Thanks for repairing the ship, my faithful robutt companion. Now don't try to stop me, okay? okay? you... you okay, Babb Yo-Daas?
Yo-Daas: (laughing hysterically) man, how HARD all these tiny ants are working you should see.
LUKE: Yes, to the ship, DMT2. No time for long goodbyes, I can't stand your pleading for me to stay...
(yo Daas flopps over and begins to snore)
planet Hash. Caption: Planet Hash music: Dr. John "cold cold cold."
cut to interior, hippy squat. Luke is shivering.
HS: come on, kid, it's not that cold!
LUKE: then why this there snow and ice everywhere?
HS: that's not snow, kid, that's Kief!
LUKE: (puzzled expression) I thought Kief was amber...
HS: Not on a bad ass bud of silver haze, it's not!
LUKE: I think I'm gonna go out and try to freeze to death anyway. I need sleep in some poor creature's intestines and hang upside down having visions.
HS: Why bother? (dusts off his boots) Smoke some of this and you can have your vision right here!
LUKE: ok, maybe just this once... (begins to gather kief)
HS: Later, dude! I'm gonna try to nail the wahini we rescued.
LUKE: Great, now he thinks he's from Hawai'i! (feels his pockets) where's that pipe Chew-biker gave me?
enter ghost of McKenna:
McKENNA: Luke! Put that stuff down! You're not old enough! Your father wouldn't approve!
LUKE: So... I get to have visions anyway. Not my way or the fun way. (drops keif) What is it this time?
McKENNA: Luke! you must go to the Day-Glo-Ba system and seek Babba Yo-Daas! He is a great warrior who will complete your training!
LUKE: Babba Yo-Daas is a great warrior? He's only two feet tall and a vegetarian. Why do I keep getting this feeling that you like to lie to me?
mCKENNA: (startled) You know who Babba Yo-Daas is? That was supposed to be a big surprise!
LUKE: My aunt's name was "Guru." I'm from Tofuwaine. It's not like I've never been in a new age bookstore... of course I know who Babba Yo-Daas is!
McKENNA: Well fine then, find him yourself! (vanishes)
LUKE: (sarcastically) Wait! Where are you going? Don't you want to tell me we don't talk about the groove or some other trite piece of drivel?
McKENNA: (voiceover only) Don't be smart, young man! Now go to Day-Glo-Ba!
cut to HS leaning in to kiss LEARY, she smacks him.
HS: Come on! you don't really want Luke more than me, do you? For some reason that creeps me out!
LEARY: For your information, niether one of you is my type. You happen to be a scoundrel.
HS: Oh I get it. All men are scoundrels. You wear comfortable shoes and preffer mousy girls with glasses!
LEARY: Hey, watch it! That's not what I meant!
HS: Well who IS your type?
LEARY: Uh... I don't know, Captain Pickard!
HS: THAT peeler?
LEARY: Yeah, I'm totally into silver surfers! I like my bone to be fossil hard! Think you can cut it?
HS: You're pounding me!
LEARY: Better you than me!
HS: That sounds like somthing I was going to say at some point...
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention! Looks like the EMI-pire has located us again! EVERYONE CHEESE IT! We'll meet up later on the mooons of End-war!
HS is about to say something, but LEARY puts her finger to his lips and Shhh's him.
LEARY: Trust me, it would have ended badly for you!
cut to Imperial battle cruiser: music: Black Flag "Wasted"
SCENE 16:
a general approaches PV.
General: Ralph Nader, the rebels are escaping planet hash!
PV: What? What did you call me?
General: I'm sorry... I never voted for the man, after all...
PV: You know about the choke banging, don't you? You know I choke bang people, right? TILL YOUR EYES POP OUT!!! (makes gesture)
General: Lord Vader! Lord Vader! The rebels...
PV: I know. I'm only interested in one or two of them. I'm biding my time, readying my dire machinations until...
General: dire machinations! Shit I forgot!
PV: forgot what?
General: There's a bounty Hunter here to see you... Bong-a-Hitt or something...
PV: Send him in, you worm! I can still choke bang you, you know! I'm not ready to kiss and make up, yet you know!
General: I'll get him right away LORD VA-DER (runs off as Vader makes a threatening gesture)
PV: (huffs) Ralph Nader!
SCENE 17: inside the Jefferson Falcon
LEARY: Great job getting us out of there, we have an imperial cruiser on us now!
HS: Public restrooms don't interest me, imperial or not! (suck on plastic tube, we see the lights dim and hear a power failure noise) The Hydro Drive! Chewie!
CHEW: Ack!
LSD-PO: We're doomed man! I can't believe it! I was just taking a nap in the escape bud, coming down from a trip...
CHEW: (threateningly) ack!
HS: Yeah, you better back down.
LSD-PO: Why does he always have to win?
HS: I said it before; he's a boogie. They don't like to loose. They tend to rip the arms of off people they loose to... remember the game?
LEARY: (rolls her eyes) Uh, the grown ups here would like to know what you're going to do about the imperial cruiser that's shooting at us!
(Irwin allen effect)
HS: Hang on, I think we can loose him in that hemmerhoid field!
LEARY: Those are asteroids!
HS: It makes more sense the other way around, doesn't it?
LEARY: Great, now he thinks he's Robert Schimmel!
cut to exterior, the Falcon is diving into asteroids, LSD-PO: God, you can't mean to navigate those flying chunks of rocks, can you?
HS: Go for the arms CHEWEY!
CHEW: Ack! (we hear smashing metal) music: the Meatmen "crippled children suck"
asteroid navigation scene, Cruiser gets hit by asteroids, Falcon dives down hole.
cut to interior: LSD-PO is now in a basket on CHEW's back.
CHEW: Ack! (leaves room)
LSD-PO: (off screen) sure, you wanna go fix the hydro-drive, but you won't fix me!
HS leans back, LEARY mops her brow.
HS: Sure is dark in here.
LEARY: yeah, the lighting is almost romantic...
HS: Do you... do you really wanna bone down on Captain Pickard?
LEARY: Not really... I guess scoundrels can be kind of sexy too, after they navigate an asteroid field and get my heart all pounding.
HS: Wanna suck face?
LEARY: Why not? (leans in to kiss him)
Irwin Allen effect! They stop...
LEARY: What was that?
HS: Who cares?
LEARY: If you go out and check that will only make me more horny!
HS: (grinning) I'll be right back, babe! (winks)
cut to exterior, HS, descending steps into cavern. Makes a sniffing face.
HS: smells like fish in here...
Distant Voice: Pinocchio!
close up: HS mouths the word Pinocchio. alarmed expression crosses his features.
HS: (running up steps) Leary! Chewey! We got to get out of here!
cut to interior, HS, straps in.
HS: We're in the belly of some kind of monster!
LEARY: Yeah, I know. Chew-biker figured it out while you were outside!
(pan out, Chewey is now in the frame, holding a skeleton with long white hair and an archaic robe on. The Skeleton has a name tag on his robe that reads: Hello! My name is Jonah!)
cut to exterior. Falcon shoots up hole, out of whale's mouth a white whale , shoots from cave, going after them. We see Captain Ahab dangling from harpoon lines on the whale's side.
cut to interior: shot from behind-- imperial cruiser.
LEARY: What are you doing? You're heading strait for the imperial cruiser!
HS: I know, kinda sexy, eh?
LEARY: Actually, this isn't helpng too much.
HS: Relax, I god a totally rad plan!
cut to exterior: falcon settles down on cruiser.
voiceover: LEARY: This is your plan? Why do I get so annoyed at you, but can't help wanting to get it on with you?
HS: It's like we're married or something, eh? Hang on, you'll see what I got in mind when we get close to where we wanna be!
cut to:
SCENE 18: Luke in his Hendrix fighter, flying over Day-Glo-Ba
cut to: close up: DMT2: (hendrix)
cut to LUKE, grinning ear to ear.
LUKE: I know, isn't it great that I can finally understand what you say now? McKenna was RIGHT about PEYOTE!
DMT2: (hendrix)
LUKE: Relax! I know how to fly this thing,,, what do you mean, "Re-entry friction"? What IS that?
cut to fighter diving into the planet's clouds, catching fire.
LUKE: (voiceover) Is it just me or does peyote make everyone feel like they're on fire? (hednrix)
cut to :
SCENE 19: imperial cruiser dumps trash.
Cut to interior, LEARY is upset.
LEARY: Those monsters! They're littering space itself!
pan to Chew-biker, now wearing a head-band and feather, a tear runs down his cheek.
cut to exterior, the falcon detaches, floats away with trash.
voiceovers:
HS: See that? floating around in trash, just like when we first met!
LEARY: (tenderly) You remembered!
HS: Wow, amazing how you can go from hating my guts to being in love with me!
LEARY: That's just how "the weaker sex"is!
CHEW: ack!
HS: What are you talking about, Chewey, who the hell is Gloria Stienham?
Bong-a-hitt's hidden spacecraft is seen, shadowing them.
Cut to SCENE 20:
LUKE is hacking through a swampy jungle with a machete. He picks up a fallen roadsign and reads it aloud:
LUKE: Baton Rougue Louisiana... 40 miles... how did we end up here?
DMT2: (hendrix)
LUKE: I'm just grateful the audience doesn't understand what a crock you just explained that away with!
keep hacking at the brush, pauses.
LUKE: utterly unbelievable crock!
pan to Yo-Daas, hopping out of the bushes.
Yo-Daas: stop! my home this is!
LUKE: Babba Yo Daas? How can it be you? Obi-Wan said you were on Day-Glo-Ba!
McKENNA voiceover: Oh! NOW he stops calling me "Ben!"
Yo-Daas: Thought I was home, he did. On vacation I am!
LUKE: (giving the brush another whack) I thought you said your home... this... was (puzzled at himself for talking that way)
Yo-Daas:( clearing away brush to reveal an RV.) No! my home THIS is... mobile I mean!
LUKE: well can we go inside? I didn't pack my pesticide spray when I hastily fled in terror from the Imperial attack!
Yo-Daas: yes, yes! You and your robutt! come! come! get you stoned I will.
cut to interior of RV. Yo-Daas is smoking a fattie, among the litter of LUKE's Belongings.
Yo-Daas: How you get so stoned smoking weed of this kind?
LUKE: I don't. That isn't weed, it's mint tea. I'm told my father wouldn't aprove. I thought when you invited me in we'd be smoking YOURS, anyway.
Yo-Daas: kick your ass out I will, if you don't quit smarting off! Right about you was McKenna. (mystically) and right were the trees! and the stones, especially the stones, they think you're really cocky, and the birds and the wind and the ship!
Pan to the window, where we see the charred hendrix fighter. pause, then continue panning to a little stand with a wooden model ship on it.
LUKE gets up:
LUKE: Wow! nice model! do make model airplanes too?
Yo-Daas: (mystically) yes. and model trees, and model cats and model dogs and model stones... and the ship...
LUKE: Yeah, I thought it was MY job to levitate the ship... but about those models... do you have any airplane glue? I can't smoke pot, but I bet my father wouldn't mind if I got high on something legal like airplane glue!
Yo-Daas: (dropping ship abruptly to a loud, angry sounding thunk!) Bullshit that is! Crazy the laws are! Bad for you is glue! Good for you is weed! Out you go, young Three Dog Knight! your first quest this is to find it!
LUKE: Where am I supposed to find weed?
Yo-Daas: Some kind of idiot are you? A fucking swamp this is! Go! Go! Guide you, I will!
cut to luke, wandering in the swamp, overlays suggest a long path with many turns, voiceovers of : to the left! Not there, over that rock, climb, etc., finally we stop before a big whopping hollow tree.
Voiceover: Yo Daas: Into the tree, you go! There, is the weed!
LUKE bends down and picks up a jar labeled "Hunny"
LUKE: who lives in this tree? Are you trying to get me eaten by a bear or something?
Yo-Daas: There is no bear; only endure!
LUKE: I guess crazy talk and deception are part of my training...
Yo-Daas: hurry up and get the weed!
LUKE: (grmbling) alright, but I'm still not ready to try pot! I'm still into the simple, innocent, youthful pleasures, like masturbation...
LUKE goes into the tree, it dark and foggy, suddenly PV looms out at LUKE:
LUKE: Punk Vader! How did you get in here?
PV: You'll never live to know (fires up his Iron Butterfly Knife)! You need a haircut, Hippy!
LUKE: Dad!
PV: (pauses, startled) huh? I haven't told...
LUKE: You killed my dad!
PV: Oh, yeah, that's right and now I'm gonna kill you!
LUKE: Lies!
PV stops his attack again.
LUKE: Lies! Yo-Daas and McKenna told me to get weed! They tell me Marijuana is GOOD for you...
PV: (hold out bag full of weed) Look, I got your weed, Kid! We're supposed to fight to see who gets it. Then you cut my head off, and it rolls to your feet-- but it's got my face see, and then...
LUKE: or I could just walk out the knothole I came in from!
PV: What?
LUKE: I could walk out the knothole I came on from and let that knobby green troll find his own weed. I keep telling people I'll pass, but they keep passing me joints...
PV: Why are you telling me all this? Am I your dad or something?
LUKE: Look, I learned to talk to the stupid noisy Robutt. I don't think there's any need for all this decapitation and stuff. I'm leaving.
PV: but the weed!
LUKE: Shove it!
PV: The groove is strong in this one!
(vanishes)
LUKE: (laughs, runs in and picks up fallen bag of weed) Psyche! Yo-Daas! Break out the Hookah for this one!
cut to Scene 21: The Jefferson Falcon flying through the air to cloud city. Music: the Byrds "Eight miles high"
cut to landing pad: HS and LEARY stumble out in a daze, hair and clothes dishoveled,
LEARY: That was great! But let's straiten up and pretend this didn't happen... Lucas just told a reporter this movie was for kids!
Cut to Rainbow Californian and his men. Rainbow glowers at HS
Rainbow: You got a lot of nerve to come back here after what you just pulled and... man, your zipper is open and you got something nasty hanging down!
cut to HS and LEARY, straitening their clothes.
HS: Look, don't get crazy about me and your wife, it was a long time ago and we both were doing a lot of porno movies... I mean, sometimes, even if you're not in the same picture, your trailer might be next to hers and ...
Rainbow: whoa ! whoa! back up... I was just kidding you, man, but damn! I didn't know that about Monique! She made pornos?
HS: Yeah it was a... surprise that someone with a stage name like monique DeSwallowchoad would have stooped to doing porn... I don't... (trying to think of a lie) know why I was going to tell you about her turning me from her trailer when I was only there selling bibles...
Rainbow hugs HS, beaming lovingly at his friend,
Rainbow: man it's good to see you! How are you treating my ship?
HS: You know, I take her to Hawai'i, we carve some dunzo Tesanis...
Rainbow: (waving his hands dismissively) Hang, hang... you know I can't understand you when you talk that way brother. Aren't you gonna introduce me to your lovely girlfriend?
rainbow takes LEARY's hand as she grins and twirls her finger through a lock of hair.
LEARY: (as he kisses her hand) He's not my boyfriend, we kind of have this love/hate thing going... he really turns me on though... (giggles) your teeth tickle! Wow! your mustache is making me tingle.
HS: (putting his hands on his hips) Hey! knock it off! we aren't dating, but we haven't had the time!
Rainbow: (releasing her hand , fiegning reluctance and dipping his head charmingly. He keeps his eyes on the princess, even while addressing HS) understood, my wave catching groover! You still haven't introduced us!
HS: Oh. That's Princess Leary. I rescued her from some space station that exploded.
Rainbow: A princess! How lucky I am to be in your presence, madame! I am Rainbow Californian, proprioter of this mining opperation. I welcome you to this city as honored guests. I have a sumptuous banquet awaiting you inside!
CHEW-BIKER walks down the steps, LSD-po writhing in the basket on his back.
CHEW: ack!
Rainbow: Oh, Chew-biker! Sounds like you're still bummed out about Vinny Vincent replacing Ace Frehley... they've been through two other guitarists now, man. I don't think Ace coming back...
LSD-PO: Wow, dude, nice to see you! May I ask what it is you mine exectly, up here in the sky?
Rainbow: (turning his back and ignoring the robutt) men, lower your weapons, I was just trying to pull his leg, now remember? He's my friend now remember (makes stealthy, conspiratorial gestures) Come this way, my friends, we have bread, we have wine, about 11 other guests in elegant pre-historic robes and shepard head dresses... I invited Jonah, but he never showed up for some reason. (walks out of frame, continuing to entice them.)
cut to:
Scene 22:
Babba Yo-Daas lying stoned on the ground giggling.
LUKE leaps up from repose, suddenly alert and concerned.
LUKE: I have to leave now... I feel like something terrible is going to happen if I don't go!
Yo-Daas continues to giggle.
LUKE: No, don't try to stop me! I know I'm young and impulsive and not finished with my training, but I can't let anything happen to my friends!
Yo-Daas: Wow! Robutt yours like a WEED grinder looks from this carpet.
LUKE: You're lying in the GRASS! You're OUTSIDE!
Yo-Daas rolls into a ball and starts laughing hysterically.
Yo-Daas: did you see that? Steppinwolf FELL for my Baton Rouge gag! oh! and the little Robutt did too!
DMT2 (hendrix)
LUKE: Thanks for repairing the ship, my faithful robutt companion. Now don't try to stop me, okay? okay? you... you okay, Babb Yo-Daas?
Yo-Daas: (laughing hysterically) man, how HARD all these tiny ants are working you should see.
LUKE: Yes, to the ship, DMT2. No time for long goodbyes, I can't stand your pleading for me to stay...
(yo Daas flopps over and begins to snore)
httpsss://www.barbarianclan.com
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.
"everything that passes unattempted is impossible"-- Lord Mhoram, the Illearth War.