Bad Writing Game--Win Some GOLD!
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DoctorGamgee
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WARNING: Mild Swearing!
Summer Trailer preparing for next season on FOX
Opening: Jungle scenery with bonfire. Indistinct figures in primitive nondescript coconut bras and grass skirts are seen in silhouette dancing and chanting nonsense syllables.
VOICE OVER: With the languishing ratings of The One Tree spiraling out of existence, the network brought in the one person who could keep it from being cancelled.....
Dramatic Closeup of Voodoo Priestess' face lit by firelight: Miss Cleo
Scene 1: Office hallway at Executive headquarters of Fox Broadcasting. President Manning is being led by Ari Gold. They are travelling as they talk.
MANNING: How ever did you do it? Cut the budget by 85% and raise the ratings from the abyss?
ARI: That's why you pay me the big bucks, Alan. I deliver what I promise and success. Gold isn't just my last name, it is what you get when you hire me!
Seriously, it was Easy as Pie! With the Psychic Reader Network out of commission, and Miss Cleo needing to do Community Service hours, we called her in and had her work some Voo-doo. Seems that crazy bitch WAS in touch with the spirits...and not just the ones from the Mini bar. That's how we ended up filling the empty desk TV has missed all these years.
Close up pans over the gold letters which spell AARON SPELLING. The stand just outside of the door, Ari with his hand on the doorknob but not yet opening.
ARI: And as a Zombie, with nothing to fear, Aaron Spelling was the only one who could bring this boring show back from the grave. He KNOWS the way. He's DONE it HIMSELF!! And since he doesn't eat, his per diem is ZERO! Plus, my assistant Lloyd and all of his friends are raiding their Drag closets for costumes.
MANNING: Well, that explains the drop there, but where else have you made changes that give us more bang for less buck?
ARI: Well, Aaron said we needed more BANG! Sadly, he forgot the time he spent in the ground and when his hand hit the desk, it fell off and fell on the floor. Crazy bastard, it was December so he grabs his fist, pulls his middle finger out straight, and starts singing "Dreidle, Dreidle, Dreidle, I made it out of Me!" I thought he was losing it, but he smiles, looks up and says, "Ashes to ashes...I've returned from the clay of which I was made--it fits." Even in death he knows Funny and is still a Mensch.
MANNING: Ari...
ARI: Right, sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah, so we got more bang by replacing Jodie Foster (the serious actress who while long in the tooth) was playing Linden with a no-name actress who is a dead ringer for a young Loni Anderson. She's so hot that Burt Reynolds said he'd play Covenant for scale!
But the best part is we have gotten rid of the Giants! The CGI was costing us an arm and a leg, so we saved millions on that by having them get drunk and fall overboard in the season finale. We can use footage we already have, have Covenant and Linden and Vain floating on the water awaiting a rescue.
MANNING: But wasn't Vain CGI too?
ARI: Yeah, but Aaron got one of his brilliant "Spelling Spectacular Ideas" and we're going with it. Let me show you.
Ari opens the door, we see the zombie of Spelling facing the camera, with a tall, thin African-American facing away from the camera.
In the background, we have storyboards of a ship going through the Panama Canal (after stops in Mazatlan and Acapulco), then getting caught in the Bermuda Triangle, which has Lord Foul's eyes looking out from it.
MANNING: Standing dead still in shock Is that ... what I think it ...
AARON: whose sepulchral voice rattles as he talks and for this shot bears a striking similarity to the Crypt-Keeper wearing a yarmulke We still had the sets from my former show...Linden's can bunk on the Lido deck which was on lot 17, and Covenant can have the Captain's Quarters which was lot 25. But in answer to the question you posed outside my door -- the ears still work, putz! -- we use stock footage we've already got in the can of Vain from last season's ending, we watch him shrivel a little, and lo and behold, we introduce ... how did you call it, Ari?
ARI: close up of Ari's smiling faceVain, 2-point-O!
Camera pans the room from Ari's smile, to Aaron's confident nod, to the stunned look on Manning's face and finally settles on a close-up of the chair as it swivels to the face of the mysterious man for the big reveal...
Jimmy JJ Walker: DYNOMITE!!
Fade to black...
VOICE OVER: Next Fall, on FOX!
Summer Trailer preparing for next season on FOX
Opening: Jungle scenery with bonfire. Indistinct figures in primitive nondescript coconut bras and grass skirts are seen in silhouette dancing and chanting nonsense syllables.
VOICE OVER: With the languishing ratings of The One Tree spiraling out of existence, the network brought in the one person who could keep it from being cancelled.....
Dramatic Closeup of Voodoo Priestess' face lit by firelight: Miss Cleo
Scene 1: Office hallway at Executive headquarters of Fox Broadcasting. President Manning is being led by Ari Gold. They are travelling as they talk.
MANNING: How ever did you do it? Cut the budget by 85% and raise the ratings from the abyss?
ARI: That's why you pay me the big bucks, Alan. I deliver what I promise and success. Gold isn't just my last name, it is what you get when you hire me!
Seriously, it was Easy as Pie! With the Psychic Reader Network out of commission, and Miss Cleo needing to do Community Service hours, we called her in and had her work some Voo-doo. Seems that crazy bitch WAS in touch with the spirits...and not just the ones from the Mini bar. That's how we ended up filling the empty desk TV has missed all these years.
Close up pans over the gold letters which spell AARON SPELLING. The stand just outside of the door, Ari with his hand on the doorknob but not yet opening.
ARI: And as a Zombie, with nothing to fear, Aaron Spelling was the only one who could bring this boring show back from the grave. He KNOWS the way. He's DONE it HIMSELF!! And since he doesn't eat, his per diem is ZERO! Plus, my assistant Lloyd and all of his friends are raiding their Drag closets for costumes.
MANNING: Well, that explains the drop there, but where else have you made changes that give us more bang for less buck?
ARI: Well, Aaron said we needed more BANG! Sadly, he forgot the time he spent in the ground and when his hand hit the desk, it fell off and fell on the floor. Crazy bastard, it was December so he grabs his fist, pulls his middle finger out straight, and starts singing "Dreidle, Dreidle, Dreidle, I made it out of Me!" I thought he was losing it, but he smiles, looks up and says, "Ashes to ashes...I've returned from the clay of which I was made--it fits." Even in death he knows Funny and is still a Mensch.
MANNING: Ari...
ARI: Right, sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah, so we got more bang by replacing Jodie Foster (the serious actress who while long in the tooth) was playing Linden with a no-name actress who is a dead ringer for a young Loni Anderson. She's so hot that Burt Reynolds said he'd play Covenant for scale!
But the best part is we have gotten rid of the Giants! The CGI was costing us an arm and a leg, so we saved millions on that by having them get drunk and fall overboard in the season finale. We can use footage we already have, have Covenant and Linden and Vain floating on the water awaiting a rescue.
MANNING: But wasn't Vain CGI too?
ARI: Yeah, but Aaron got one of his brilliant "Spelling Spectacular Ideas" and we're going with it. Let me show you.
Ari opens the door, we see the zombie of Spelling facing the camera, with a tall, thin African-American facing away from the camera.
In the background, we have storyboards of a ship going through the Panama Canal (after stops in Mazatlan and Acapulco), then getting caught in the Bermuda Triangle, which has Lord Foul's eyes looking out from it.
MANNING: Standing dead still in shock Is that ... what I think it ...
AARON: whose sepulchral voice rattles as he talks and for this shot bears a striking similarity to the Crypt-Keeper wearing a yarmulke We still had the sets from my former show...Linden's can bunk on the Lido deck which was on lot 17, and Covenant can have the Captain's Quarters which was lot 25. But in answer to the question you posed outside my door -- the ears still work, putz! -- we use stock footage we've already got in the can of Vain from last season's ending, we watch him shrivel a little, and lo and behold, we introduce ... how did you call it, Ari?
ARI: close up of Ari's smiling faceVain, 2-point-O!
Camera pans the room from Ari's smile, to Aaron's confident nod, to the stunned look on Manning's face and finally settles on a close-up of the chair as it swivels to the face of the mysterious man for the big reveal...
Jimmy JJ Walker: DYNOMITE!!
Fade to black...
VOICE OVER: Next Fall, on FOX!
Last edited by DoctorGamgee on Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Proud father of G-minor and the Bean
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deer of the dawn
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DoctorGamgee
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Spelling was the legendary producer of many US TV shows. Everything from 90210 and Melrose Place to 7th Heaven and (referenced here) The Love Boat. Loni, Burt and JJ were guests on the show repeatedly over the seasons. Had I taken great time to craft it, I would have worked in replacing elena with Charro. But it stands as it is...
Thanks!
Doc
Thanks!
Doc
Proud father of G-minor and the Bean
Warning, this is the human, giant and urvile sex scene that should have been in the book. It seems innocent enough to me, though. Don't say you were not warned!
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Linden twisted her hair and thought of Covenants ass in those jeans again. But no, she could not bring herself to fall into that trap again- another man who, like her father, was walking death. And yet the thought of him walking away in those jeans kept entering her mind. Just then, a loud rap came at her cabin door as the ship rocked seductively. She was about to decide to not answer it when the door opened. In walked Pitchwife.
"Chosen," he smiled good-naturedly and moved his hands, closing and opening them as though they were the embodiment of his thought process and indecision for saying what he had come to say, "your pain is written on your face. It is clear you are unhappy. I told my wife that we should not interfere in this- that this is your path and it must be taken, but she insists…" he trailed off. He came inside the cabin and closed the door and, as if his hands made the decision for him, he came to his point. "The First feels responsibility for this voyage and its outcome. She says that you must be made to relax. Therefore I have come to perform the giantish right of Fuutrubba with you."
Linden looked pusseled at the sheepish giants bent frame. He stood there before her hunched, but powerful. Somehow, she understood what it was he offered. She started to protest though that was not what was in her heart, but there was another knock on the door, this time a single, powerful blow. Pitchwife turned and opened the door only to find Vain standing there grinning. The moment the door opened, he swept in rather effortlessly, never taking his eyes from Linden and leering like a man who likes what he sees and knows he will have it.
"Vain?" questioned the Chosen. "Vain, what are you doing here?" She didn't expect an answer and Vain was not disappointing as he remained silent, grinning at her wildly. Linden noticed the urvile was no longer wearing any clothing. His perfection of form was totally revealed. The dark masters who had wrought him made him well indeed, she thought to herself.
Pitchwife shrugged and said to Linden, "Chosen, the right of the Fuutrubba must begin. I have imbibed of the wine of Pitching and, from what I can tell, your silent friend must have done so as well, though maybe his people are always thus pitched and it is unknown to us." The gnarled giant removed his shirt in an ungainly fashion that revealed a rippling array of muscles that seemed to glisten in the salty warmth of Linden's small room.
A moment of indecision washed over Linden. She thought about the attic with her father briefly and somehow, instead of crying, she saw herself now playing with the pools of blood, licking her fingers. Where had these thoughts come from? She blushed at them and what came next. Surely this was an alien thought. Vain stood suddenly pressed against her, grinning knowingly. Had he given her these thoughts? Suddenly the figure with her in the attic was no longer her father. It was a being of purity and perfection, leering. She reached to touch him with her bloody hands, to smooth it over his perfect ebon skin.
"Chosen, it has begun" came Pitchwife's voice, breaking the spell and bringing her back to the moment. He gently kissed her neck, standing on the other side of Linden from the glistening urvile. Her mind rushed into the moment of sensuality. Again, she has visions of being covered in blood, rubbing it into the flesh of the urvile, licking it from his solid chest, his inner thighs. It was a rapture. Vaguely, she was aware that Pitchwife had removed her shirt and was kissing her all over.
Without a knock, the door swung open again. The First stood in the doorway. "Husband!" she cried, "how is it that you have started without me?" Quickly entering the cabin and closing the door again, she dropped her belt and scabbard and quickly removed her shirt and pressed against all three of the figures.
The Right of the Fuutrubba had truly begun.
Without notice, Findail had stepped through the wall and was eyeing Vain intently, slowly rubbing his staff all the while.
------------
Linden twisted her hair and thought of Covenants ass in those jeans again. But no, she could not bring herself to fall into that trap again- another man who, like her father, was walking death. And yet the thought of him walking away in those jeans kept entering her mind. Just then, a loud rap came at her cabin door as the ship rocked seductively. She was about to decide to not answer it when the door opened. In walked Pitchwife.
"Chosen," he smiled good-naturedly and moved his hands, closing and opening them as though they were the embodiment of his thought process and indecision for saying what he had come to say, "your pain is written on your face. It is clear you are unhappy. I told my wife that we should not interfere in this- that this is your path and it must be taken, but she insists…" he trailed off. He came inside the cabin and closed the door and, as if his hands made the decision for him, he came to his point. "The First feels responsibility for this voyage and its outcome. She says that you must be made to relax. Therefore I have come to perform the giantish right of Fuutrubba with you."
Linden looked pusseled at the sheepish giants bent frame. He stood there before her hunched, but powerful. Somehow, she understood what it was he offered. She started to protest though that was not what was in her heart, but there was another knock on the door, this time a single, powerful blow. Pitchwife turned and opened the door only to find Vain standing there grinning. The moment the door opened, he swept in rather effortlessly, never taking his eyes from Linden and leering like a man who likes what he sees and knows he will have it.
"Vain?" questioned the Chosen. "Vain, what are you doing here?" She didn't expect an answer and Vain was not disappointing as he remained silent, grinning at her wildly. Linden noticed the urvile was no longer wearing any clothing. His perfection of form was totally revealed. The dark masters who had wrought him made him well indeed, she thought to herself.
Pitchwife shrugged and said to Linden, "Chosen, the right of the Fuutrubba must begin. I have imbibed of the wine of Pitching and, from what I can tell, your silent friend must have done so as well, though maybe his people are always thus pitched and it is unknown to us." The gnarled giant removed his shirt in an ungainly fashion that revealed a rippling array of muscles that seemed to glisten in the salty warmth of Linden's small room.
A moment of indecision washed over Linden. She thought about the attic with her father briefly and somehow, instead of crying, she saw herself now playing with the pools of blood, licking her fingers. Where had these thoughts come from? She blushed at them and what came next. Surely this was an alien thought. Vain stood suddenly pressed against her, grinning knowingly. Had he given her these thoughts? Suddenly the figure with her in the attic was no longer her father. It was a being of purity and perfection, leering. She reached to touch him with her bloody hands, to smooth it over his perfect ebon skin.
"Chosen, it has begun" came Pitchwife's voice, breaking the spell and bringing her back to the moment. He gently kissed her neck, standing on the other side of Linden from the glistening urvile. Her mind rushed into the moment of sensuality. Again, she has visions of being covered in blood, rubbing it into the flesh of the urvile, licking it from his solid chest, his inner thighs. It was a rapture. Vaguely, she was aware that Pitchwife had removed her shirt and was kissing her all over.
Without a knock, the door swung open again. The First stood in the doorway. "Husband!" she cried, "how is it that you have started without me?" Quickly entering the cabin and closing the door again, she dropped her belt and scabbard and quickly removed her shirt and pressed against all three of the figures.
The Right of the Fuutrubba had truly begun.
Without notice, Findail had stepped through the wall and was eyeing Vain intently, slowly rubbing his staff all the while.
Monsters, they eat
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
Your kind of meat
And they're moving as far as they can
And as fast as they can
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DoctorGamgee
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Vraith
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Unfortunately, this doesn't match any of the guidelines for this contest [so far]...yet it made me LAUGH...it made me CRY...it gave me that Shock of Recognition...that frisson of tragedy in the midst of the comic, that convulsive ha-HA in the droning tears of eulogy...if you never participate again, nevertheless I will nominate you for a lifetime achievement award...once a lifetime has passed since the thread started, of course.Holsety wrote:I would post bad writing, but unfortunately I have never read any bad writing, including the first and last page of this topic (which I read).
[spoiler]Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.[/spoiler]
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
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Frostheart Grueburn
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Perkele, I don't know whether to laugh or cry at these. I've managed to watch only an ep or two of some of those shows and that must've been a good decade ago. Hopefully stopped before they lobotomized me too much. I'd normally feel sorry for the giants, but becoming fishfood might be a preferable fate to an Aaron Spelling soap. 
Ananda's fic could easily exist in FF.net if TCTC were popular among squealy teens. It even had the obligatory fanon twist of trying to turn a canonically ugly character somehow comely. Foamfollower could probably be considered a giantish stud, but Pitchwife... It's like making Severus Snape a silky-haired lederhosen bishie.
(still on mobile so apl. for spelling errors.)
Gaah the mental images.
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Holsety
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TT: The upper echelons of irony should always include measures of sincerity...Vraith wrote:Unfortunately, this doesn't match any of the guidelines for this contest [so far]...yet it made me LAUGH...it made me CRY...it gave me that Shock of Recognition...that frisson of tragedy in the midst of the comic, that convulsive ha-HA in the droning tears of eulogy...if you never participate again, nevertheless I will nominate you for a lifetime achievement award...once a lifetime has passed since the thread started, of course.Holsety wrote:I would post bad writing, but unfortunately I have never read any bad writing, including the first and last page of this topic (which I read).
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Frostheart Grueburn
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deer of the dawn
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Just don't think I can surpass the badness of Ananda's badfic, or the hysterical glibness of Holsety's comment. I might try to come up with something this week but don't hold the contest for me, I have a lot on my plate. Keep up the badness... it is highly diverting. 
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. -Philo of Alexandria
ahhhh... if only all our creativity in wickedness could be fixed by "Corrupt a Wish." - Linna Heartlistener
ahhhh... if only all our creativity in wickedness could be fixed by "Corrupt a Wish." - Linna Heartlistener
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Frostheart Grueburn
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(You're also being missed in the Bad Illustrating Contest!)-
Tefazipipo
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Frostheart Grueburn
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deer of the dawn
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Frostheart wrote:Please do hop in; the more the merrier. And in spite of Effy's unwillingness to incorporate elements of Twilight into a badfic, I do welcome such abominations.
As a shaft of sun pierced the fogs surrounding One Tree Island, Brinn stepped to the edge of the promontory.
"Ooooooh, aaaaaaahhhh," the Company murmured from the deck of the ship.
He sparkled as he fell, wrapped in the arms of his foe...
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle. -Philo of Alexandria
ahhhh... if only all our creativity in wickedness could be fixed by "Corrupt a Wish." - Linna Heartlistener
ahhhh... if only all our creativity in wickedness could be fixed by "Corrupt a Wish." - Linna Heartlistener
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Lefdmae Deemalr Effaeldm
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Why I said I was not intending to do that - it's actually not that I mind Twilight, it' that I haven't read it, same goes for the film. I don't think I will write on that, and not really interested to read that to be able to.
It reminds me of the thing Boris Grebenschikov said about the band TATU, when asked if he, like a proper rocker, doesn't like their music. He said that he couldn't really care much or say anything, because he hasn't been to any of their concerts. He took a pause, and then added "God spared me"
I can't say for sure even if the books are really bad. Who knows, maybe there are hidden treasures there... Well, for now I'm not about to go try that. So I reserve judgement. As for the guess about Diassomer - she doesn't seem the type that usually enjoys such.
It reminds me of the thing Boris Grebenschikov said about the band TATU, when asked if he, like a proper rocker, doesn't like their music. He said that he couldn't really care much or say anything, because he hasn't been to any of their concerts. He took a pause, and then added "God spared me"
I can't say for sure even if the books are really bad. Who knows, maybe there are hidden treasures there... Well, for now I'm not about to go try that. So I reserve judgement. As for the guess about Diassomer - she doesn't seem the type that usually enjoys such.
A role-player, beware
