Sweet Grace: From the journal pages of Furls Fire

[Cambo]

Congratulations to the whole family on their achievements!

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

It's nice when the news is nothing but wonderful.

[Cambo]

Furls' spirit paid me a little visit today. Or at the very least, those good parts of me that Furls' words have spoken to.

I was at a writing workshop I attend. The workshop itself is a cool little footnote, voluntarily run by a friend of mine, and specifically to help people who have suffered from mental illness. He says he hopes that by introducing people to writing, he'll be able to help them find their Voice, and in using their Voice to create, come to value it. How cool is that?

Anyway, the exercise was to write whatever came to mind in response to this sentence: "I visited during this year of self inquiry." This is what came to me:

It's curious how these convergences happen. Had I encountered Tracie any sooner than I did, I would have been closed to her. All that she had to offer would have fallen lifeless to the ground outside my door. But no, I came to her little corner of the multiverse, that place all her own, with my shutters open and a breeze sifting through the drapes. And she, she blasted through my mind like a gale, cleansing and scouring, till I shone.

Hope her loved ones on here like it.

[Menolly]

Well, I may not have been counted among her "loved ones," but I like it.

[aliantha]

That's really cool, Cambo.

[Savor Dam]

Furls loved widely and well. Although I never met her in person, I have as much -- perhaps more -- direct evidence of her Love than that which The All has for me. Surely, I loved her...and the broad canopy of Love which radiated from her led to other loves which have enhanced my life in recent years.

Yes, Cambo, I like what you wrote. Well said!

[Fire Daughter]

Furls' spirit paid me a little visit today. Or at the very least, those good parts of me that Furls' words have spoken to.

I was at a writing workshop I attend. The workshop itself is a cool little footnote, voluntarily run by a friend of mine, and specifically to help people who have suffered from mental illness. He says he hopes that by introducing people to writing, he'll be able to help them find their Voice, and in using their Voice to create, come to value it. How cool is that?

Anyway, the exercise was to write whatever came to mind in response to this sentence: "I visited during this year of self inquiry." This is what came to me:

It's curious how these convergences happen. Had I encountered Tracie any sooner than I did, I would have been closed to her. All that she had to offer would have fallen lifeless to the ground outside my door. But no, I came to her little corner of the multiverse, that place all her own, with my shutters open and a breeze sifting through the drapes. And she, she blasted through my mind like a gale, cleansing and scouring, till I shone.

Hope her loved ones on here like it.

Love it, Cambo! Huggles!!

Mom often spoke of what she called the "Guides" and how they would help her through her life's journey. It is my belief that she is now one of these guides. I have heard from so many people who knew her, they tell me how she speaks to them, or how they feel her presence. We feel her around us always and I talk to her daily.

And she loved everyone here on the Watch. Even people she never talked too or met, she knew more would come and find Uncle Steve's thread even after she, herself, was no longer here. But, she is here. She will always be here as long as these threads are here and her posts are here. She still lives here.

[Seareach]

Mom often spoke of what she called the "Guides" and how they would help her through her life's journey. It is my belief that she is now one of these guides. I have heard from so many people who knew her, they tell me how she speaks to them, or how they feel her presence. We feel her around us always and I talk to her daily.

And she loved everyone here on the Watch. Even people she never talked too or met, she knew more would come and find Uncle Steve's thread even after she, herself, was no longer here. But, she is here. She will always be here as long as these threads are here and her posts are here. She still lives here.

You know, it's strange--for me. I didn't really know your mom--not like other people here--but I swear that every now and again, usually at night, all of a sudden she's "there"--in my head. It's not like I suddenly think of her. The feeling I get is like when someone walks into a room and you look up and see them. I don't *see* her, but all of a sudden she's there, in my head. I feel her, and I hear myself saying to her in my mind, "Hey, Furls". I sometimes talk to her, but other times...I don't know how to describe it...she's just there and the feeling is like a touch of grace.

To be honest, I don't really believe in that kind of stuff, or I didn't but now I don't know, because there are times I'm sure I sense her--I'm sure she's there (although I do think to myself "why would she be here visiting me?"...but I think that's just my lack of belief in such things making me think that). It's special. She's special.

Love to you and your family, Fire Daughter. xxx

[Fire Daughter]

That makes me smile

I don't know how to describe what everyone here meant to her. But she always knew when someone was hurting, whether they posted about it or not, she knew.

She visits you because for some reason, maybe a reason you don't even know yourself, you need her to visit.

I don't think belief in such things is necessary. I don't think it matters to her.

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

Furls' spirit paid me a little visit today. Or at the very least, those good parts of me that Furls' words have spoken to.

I was at a writing workshop I attend. The workshop itself is a cool little footnote, voluntarily run by a friend of mine, and specifically to help people who have suffered from mental illness. He says he hopes that by introducing people to writing, he'll be able to help them find their Voice, and in using their Voice to create, come to value it. How cool is that?

Anyway, the exercise was to write whatever came to mind in response to this sentence: "I visited during this year of self inquiry." This is what came to me:

It's curious how these convergences happen. Had I encountered Tracie any sooner than I did, I would have been closed to her. All that she had to offer would have fallen lifeless to the ground outside my door. But no, I came to her little corner of the multiverse, that place all her own, with my shutters open and a breeze sifting through the drapes. And she, she blasted through my mind like a gale, cleansing and scouring, till I shone.

Hope her loved ones on here like it.

Love it, Cambo! Huggles!!

Mom often spoke of what she called the "Guides" and how they would help her through her life's journey. It is my belief that she is now one of these guides. I have heard from so many people who knew her, they tell me how she speaks to them, or how they feel her presence. We feel her around us always and I talk to her daily.

And she loved everyone here on the Watch. Even people she never talked too or met, she knew more would come and find Uncle Steve's thread even after she, herself, was no longer here. But, she is here. She will always be here as long as these threads are here and her posts are here. She still lives here.

I just had a vision of this forum outliving all of us, perhaps even into some distant future we cannot imagine, where people will pore over the internet detritus of our long lost age and some day encounter Furls Fire and Stephen, and be moved to tears by something they find here.

[Cambo]

Absolutely possible. Why not? I was moved to tears the very first time I found this thread. I could never ever have foreseen the effect this woman would have on me.

And you know what? I first wrote "dead woman" but that seemed really wrong to me. I tried to substitute in "passed on" or other euphemisms until I figured out what it was: I felt wrong referring to Furls in the past tense. She exists. Right now.

And another thing: I sometimes identify as being "far from a Christian." And many Christians make me feel that way. Even some Christians I see as beautiful and worthy people. But Furls....Furls makes me question the wisdom of that statement. I'd never want to be far from the person Furls was. If I lived my life ever inching a little closer to her, I'd consider it a life well lived. And Furls is inseparable from "Christian." So...I don't even know. These threads just force you to live in a place of mystery, you know?

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

Cambo, that is one heaven of a post. Notice that I appear to be affected by the same forces of reverence.

Can a "place" that exists only as an electronic figment also be "Holy"? This seems like a strange discussion, but I have to admit that I find it compelling.

[Godschild]

I just finished re-reading all of Stephen McKinney thread. Man on man it touched me again but I was also brought to tears. I miss Tracie so much. Brooke thank you so much for the updates that you do post. And I'm so glad to hear that the family is doing well. Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers. Not only has Tracie been a blessing to me but your whole family has been a blessing. Just to see the love that everyone has for each other and others is just so wonderful

[Fire Daughter]

I just finished re-reading all of Stephen McKinney thread. Man on man it touched me again but I was also brought to tears. I miss Tracie so much. Brooke thank you so much for the updates that you do post. And I'm so glad to hear that the family is doing well. Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers. Not only has Tracie been a blessing to me but your whole family has been a blessing. Just to see the love that everyone has for each other and others is just so wonderful

That's why the threads are here, for people to come, read and reread them and gain strength or hope or anything they need. I'm glad you still find them inspiring. And I'm sure Mom and Uncle Steve are happy you do too.

I haven't been around much, been so busy with school, work and family that I barely find time to catch a few hours of sleep now and then. Hopefully, now that summer is on the horizon I'll be able to spend a little more time here and post some more entries from both of their journals.

Huggles everyone!

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

Fire Daughter, we look forward to hearing more from you, and more of your mother's journal when you have time. God bless!

[Fire Daughter]

I've been looking thru her journals the last few days and will post some entries soon.

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

Sweet!

[Furls Fire]

Friday, November 10, 1989 10:13 pm

I’m going to have a baby! There are so many emotions and feelings going through my heart and mind right now. A baby. A beautiful gift.

I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and sing to you. I can’t wait to feel your soft head under my chin. I can’t wait to look into your tiny face and tell you I love you over and over again. Oh sweet baby, sweet sweet child, the thought of you scares me to death. To have a life completely dependent on me is terrifying. And yet, I can already hear your soul whispering to mine. You already know me. You already know I’m your mother. I can’t wait to feel you move within me for the first time.

Russell looks at me different now. I can tell how happy he is, how full of awe he is, how scared he is. My amazing husband, soulmate, life-partner, how his eyes glow now. He touches me with such tenderness, he talks to me in hushed tones, as though he is afraid to wake the baby. He runs around like a madman, making plans for the baby’s room, listing what needs to be done, as though we have no time to get ready for our sweet angel’s arrival. He’s going to be an amazing father. Daddy.

Our love has created life. Our love. It grows inside me. Love as life. Life as love. These days are the happy ones, the glorious ones, the endless ones. These days, as my child grows inside of me, will be the most blessed. So much is different now. So much different now.

I’m a mother now.

[Fire Daughter]

And you were an amazing mother, Mom. Still are. I wish you were here with me during this miraculous time in my life.

I miss you.

[Dread Poet Jethro]

Furls made my mask wet
Tears of both joy and sadness
She's done it again...