~VISIONS OF MOONLIGHT~
Her pale beauty graces the darkness up high
waxing and waning
shimmering like a beacon in the night sky
waxing and waning
Soft beams like hands glide over the land below
caressing and lightening
frolicking across waters black as the crow
caressing and lightening
Her fragile luminescence easing a child’s night fears
brightening and comforting
her presence consoling a sad woman long in her years
brightening and comforting
But more importantly still, the moon shines so white
loving and longing
for the dark hunter she spies stalking demons every night
loving and longing
Written by Dani Myrick
Visions of Moonlight
Moderators: deer of the dawn, Furls Fire
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Zephalephelah
- Banned
- Posts: 382
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 4:40 am
- Location: USA West
Hey, that's pretty good. When I read poetry, I think of how the words feel coming off the lips. For instance, "The pretty butterfly flitters about", sounds like unknown animal dung. It just doesn't have any graduating quality. It feels like a person stumbling through a room, drunk.
Your poem is better. Let me know what you would think of these minor changes:
frolicking across deep waters black as the crow
Her fragile luminescence easing child’s night fears
her presence consoling sad woman long in her years
It just felt more musical this way. But it's your poem. Leave it or change it as you feel people's advice would help or hinder. Thanks for the poetry. I usually don't like it at all because so many people think they have even a small piece of a gift and their work is like eating rocks sweetened with only rain, or my own tears for having read it.
Your poem is better. Let me know what you would think of these minor changes:
frolicking across deep waters black as the crow
Her fragile luminescence easing child’s night fears
her presence consoling sad woman long in her years
It just felt more musical this way. But it's your poem. Leave it or change it as you feel people's advice would help or hinder. Thanks for the poetry. I usually don't like it at all because so many people think they have even a small piece of a gift and their work is like eating rocks sweetened with only rain, or my own tears for having read it.
I am honored that you read it, Zeph. I do like your changes to the first line, but I do not like as well the removal of "a" from the second and third lines. It feels like something is missing when I read it aloud 
I could make it more generic, saying "easing children's night fears" and "consoling sad women long in their years". I will have to think on it when I'm more in a mood for dealing with poetry.
And thank you, Damelon as well
I could make it more generic, saying "easing children's night fears" and "consoling sad women long in their years". I will have to think on it when I'm more in a mood for dealing with poetry.And thank you, Damelon as well