Anger and forgiveness

[aliantha]

Aliantha,

In the documentary I attempted to link to above they discuss the example of the Amish who invited the family of the man who killed their daughters to the memorial for those children so that the killer's family could mourn the passing of the man who killed their daughters.

In your opinion was such an effort at compassion and forgiveness wrong?

Everybody has to handle it in their own way, SerScot. If the children's family found it in their hearts to invite their killer's family to a memorial service, I'm no one to judge them. And I certainly wouldn't blame his family for his actions, anyway.

[Cail]

I really can't add much to Fist's excellent posts on the topic, but I'll try.

I'm not interested in forgiveness, nor am I interested in anger. Anger is a wasted emotion, and allowing yourself to be angry will accomplish nothing other than further screwing up your life.

I had a lousy childhood, my stepfather was a pedophile, and I had a rotten first marriage followed by a spectacularly expensive divorce. Know how often I think about that stuff? Never. I have very little contact with my parents, I haven't spoken to my ex in over a year, and the people who abandoned me during my divorce simply cease to exist (including some of my coworkers).

When you get angry at someone, you've given them complete control of your emotional well-being. Why do that? Why give anyone that power over you?

"Some cancers have to be cut out", and anyone who hurts you or pushes your buttons to make you angry simply isn't necessary in your life.

Life's too damn short to waste time being angry.

[Ananda]

Aliantha,

In the documentary I attempted to link to above they discuss the example of the Amish who invited the family of the man who killed their daughters to the memorial for those children so that the killer's family could mourn the passing of the man who killed their daughters.

In your opinion was such an effort at compassion and forgiveness wrong?

SS,
That was in the 90s, wasn't it? I read about it then and thought it was beautiful. I have often mentioned those people in discussions on how it can be if people allow for it.

[SerScot]

aliantha,

Aliantha,

In the documentary I attempted to link to above they discuss the example of the Amish who invited the family of the man who killed their daughters to the memorial for those children so that the killer's family could mourn the passing of the man who killed their daughters.

In your opinion was such an effort at compassion and forgiveness wrong?

Everybody has to handle it in their own way, SerScot. If the children's family found it in their hearts to invite their killer's family to a memorial service, I'm no one to judge them. And I certainly wouldn't blame his family for his actions, anyway.

But it was more than merely inviting them to the memorial. They asked these people to share their grief, for the man who killed their children, with them that they might console and assuage each other's grief. It, to me, was an incredibly powerful statement about each of our mutual humanities.

I seriously doubt I could look at the grieving children of a man who killed on of my children and died in the process with much compassion. I see that as my own failing. I want to be able to have compassion like they did.

[aliantha]

aliantha,

Aliantha,

In the documentary I attempted to link to above they discuss the example of the Amish who invited the family of the man who killed their daughters to the memorial for those children so that the killer's family could mourn the passing of the man who killed their daughters.

In your opinion was such an effort at compassion and forgiveness wrong?

Everybody has to handle it in their own way, SerScot. If the children's family found it in their hearts to invite their killer's family to a memorial service, I'm no one to judge them. And I certainly wouldn't blame his family for his actions, anyway.

But it was more than merely inviting them to the memorial. They asked these people to share their grief, for the man who killed their children, with them that they might console and assuage each other's grief. It, to me, was an incredibly powerful statement about each of our mutual humanities.

I seriously doubt I could look at the grieving children of a man who killed on of my children and died in the process with much compassion. I see that as my own failing. I want to be able to have compassion like they did.

I see what you're saying. But I like to think I'd be able to set aside my feelings about their father's actions and grant his children compassion. It's not like they had any responsibility for what their father did (I assume, that is -- tbh, I haven't watched the video).

I mean, I say that now. But who knows how I'd react if I were actually in that position?

[peter]

I saw an incredibly touching tv program on the children [now of course grown up] of the perpetrators of the Holocaust. The most moving scene of all was the son of one of the death camp commanders standing before the survivors and families of the killed, within the camp walls, and weeping like a child for the sins of his parent. Extraordinarily beautiful was the outpouring of love for that man [in that terrible place] from the victims and families themselves, who held him and reassured him that no fault for his fathers action could be laid at his door.

This was absolutely the correct response to the families of the perpetrators, who become victims of their parents actions no less than the victims themselves. Whats more - in the situation I describe it was not pre-planned or thought about - it was just the natural human response of kindness to another human in distress.

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

A friend of mine described forgiving her own father- for borderline sexual abuse, no less- as not absolving him or even forgiving his actions, but as coming to peace with all the ways he had shaped her. She looked at herself, she looked at who he was and what he had done to her, she came to an understanding of who she was and how much of him was in her....and she accepted herself. In that acceptance, she no longer needed anything from him. She forgave him because in a way he was no longer necessary. In many ways I think we harbour anger against our parents when we're still looking to them to heal or protect us, resenting them because they failed in that. She didn't need him for any of those things, so forgiveness was as simple as just letting him be the person he is.

Lorin, I think you still feel you need something from your mother. I think Fist is right. Harsh as it might sound, simplified as it might sound, you need to make peace. You literally have no other choice.

I can't say it any better, but I can distill it:

"LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE"