Work in Progress
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- Frostheart Grueburn
- The Gap Into Spam
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- peter
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 11578
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:08 am
- Location: Another time. Another place.
- Been thanked: 6 times
Freudian slip WF?
No trust me guys - this was below even dogerall. Better I had strangled it at birth than left it to mutate into this Monster that has come back to haunt me.
[Clue; one was a comparison of a particuarly toothsome girl who I was lusting after to 'an angels feather that 'dropeth from heaven'. Ughhh - what was I thinking. Well actually, I know what I was thinking and it didn't work ]
No trust me guys - this was below even dogerall. Better I had strangled it at birth than left it to mutate into this Monster that has come back to haunt me.
[Clue; one was a comparison of a particuarly toothsome girl who I was lusting after to 'an angels feather that 'dropeth from heaven'. Ughhh - what was I thinking. Well actually, I know what I was thinking and it didn't work ]
The truth is a Lion and does not need protection. Once free it will look after itself.
....and the glory of the world becomes less than it was....
'Have we not served you well'
'Of course - you know you have.'
'Then let it end.'
We are the Bloodguard
....and the glory of the world becomes less than it was....
'Have we not served you well'
'Of course - you know you have.'
'Then let it end.'
We are the Bloodguard
- ussusimiel
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 5346
- Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 12:34 am
- Location: Waterford (milking cows), and sometimes still Dublin, Ireland
Well there's the first mis-step that we can help you with - instead of writing Victorian love poetry comparing unrequited love to angels' feathers, welcome to the world of modern poetry where you graphically describe your fantasised toothful consumption of the love object. I promise you, by the time you've written that whatever it is, it won't be doggerel. (I presume you've read 'Leda and the Swan' by Yeats, or Larkin's 'Love Again', or...., or....)peter wrote:[Clue; one was a comparison of a particuarly toothsome girl who I was lusting after to 'an angels feather that 'dropeth from heaven'. Ughhh - what was I thinking. Well actually, I know what I was thinking and it didn't work ]
u.
Tho' all the maps of blood and flesh
Are posted on the door,
There's no one who has told us yet
What Boogie Street is for.
Are posted on the door,
There's no one who has told us yet
What Boogie Street is for.
- peter
- The Gap Into Spam
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Any graphic description I gave of that [imagined] consumation would be more suited to the pages of Penthouse than this place; she was a 38DD for god-sake!
The truth is a Lion and does not need protection. Once free it will look after itself.
....and the glory of the world becomes less than it was....
'Have we not served you well'
'Of course - you know you have.'
'Then let it end.'
We are the Bloodguard
....and the glory of the world becomes less than it was....
'Have we not served you well'
'Of course - you know you have.'
'Then let it end.'
We are the Bloodguard
- Frostheart Grueburn
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1827
- Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2011 8:47 pm
- Location: Gianthome
- aliantha
- blueberries on steroids
- Posts: 17865
- Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:50 pm
- Location: NOT opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Pillow-top mattresses, at that.
So I finished the first draft of Seasons of the Fool over the weekend. I wrote myself into a corner on Friday night (I was pantsing* -- what was I thinking? ) and stayed up 'til 2am talking myself through the mess I'd made. The fix worked, I guess, because I spent all day at it on Saturday (9K words! ) and Sunday (another 5K to the end of the book).
So anyway, that's done. Now to let it sit for a few weeks before I dive into the editing phase.
*Pantsing is short for "writing by the seat of your pants" -- as opposed to plotting, which involves writing an outline of some sort before you commence writing, which is what I usually do. I did have an outline, sort of, for this book, but it kept evolving as I went along, and I didn't anticipate Friday night's twist at all....
So I finished the first draft of Seasons of the Fool over the weekend. I wrote myself into a corner on Friday night (I was pantsing* -- what was I thinking? ) and stayed up 'til 2am talking myself through the mess I'd made. The fix worked, I guess, because I spent all day at it on Saturday (9K words! ) and Sunday (another 5K to the end of the book).
So anyway, that's done. Now to let it sit for a few weeks before I dive into the editing phase.
*Pantsing is short for "writing by the seat of your pants" -- as opposed to plotting, which involves writing an outline of some sort before you commence writing, which is what I usually do. I did have an outline, sort of, for this book, but it kept evolving as I went along, and I didn't anticipate Friday night's twist at all....
EZ Board Survivor
"Dreaming isn't good for you unless you do the things it tells you to." -- Three Dog Night (via the GI)
https://www.hearth-myth.com/
- Frostheart Grueburn
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 1827
- Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2011 8:47 pm
- Location: Gianthome
- aliantha
- blueberries on steroids
- Posts: 17865
- Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:50 pm
- Location: NOT opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Or is wisely keeping his mouth shut.
Thanks!
Thanks!
EZ Board Survivor
"Dreaming isn't good for you unless you do the things it tells you to." -- Three Dog Night (via the GI)
https://www.hearth-myth.com/
So......I wrote a poem. Never wrote one before. I enjoyed writing it. Not sure it will make sense to anyone but what the heck........
morning mist gathers
on storied skin
droplets drawn together
by need
tracing the long path to
the space
between the world and
the heart
the air
laden with morning
pushed against
the chest
each beat
summoned
the next
each call
unsettled
unanswered
each word
spoken
to the void
evening sun settles
morning mist pushed
aside
forcing heat into
the abyss
ancient nights call
again
morning mist gathers
on storied skin
droplets drawn together
by need
tracing the long path to
the space
between the world and
the heart
the air
laden with morning
pushed against
the chest
each beat
summoned
the next
each call
unsettled
unanswered
each word
spoken
to the void
evening sun settles
morning mist pushed
aside
forcing heat into
the abyss
ancient nights call
again
The loudest truth I ever heard was the softest sound.
- aliantha
- blueberries on steroids
- Posts: 17865
- Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:50 pm
- Location: NOT opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe
I'm not at all qualified to judge poetry. But I like it.
EZ Board Survivor
"Dreaming isn't good for you unless you do the things it tells you to." -- Three Dog Night (via the GI)
https://www.hearth-myth.com/
- ussusimiel
- The Gap Into Spam
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- Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 12:34 am
- Location: Waterford (milking cows), and sometimes still Dublin, Ireland
It's always great to see someone new writing poetry. I especially liked the phrase 'storied skin' and the half-rhymes mist/abyss and void/aside.
I would like to be able to see the 'storied skin' more clearly, is it tattooed, wrinkled, or a metaphor for something else e.g. a carved stone. The phrase 'tracing the long path' is intriguing and doesn't really give us enough to hang onto it, and to allow us to associate our own experiences and memories with it.
I like the circularity of the poem, starting in the morning and ending with night with the implication that morning will come again. This gives the poem extra structure which is one of the key ways of increasing the intensity and energy of a poem.
Write some more!
u.
I would like to be able to see the 'storied skin' more clearly, is it tattooed, wrinkled, or a metaphor for something else e.g. a carved stone. The phrase 'tracing the long path' is intriguing and doesn't really give us enough to hang onto it, and to allow us to associate our own experiences and memories with it.
I like the circularity of the poem, starting in the morning and ending with night with the implication that morning will come again. This gives the poem extra structure which is one of the key ways of increasing the intensity and energy of a poem.
Write some more!
u.
Tho' all the maps of blood and flesh
Are posted on the door,
There's no one who has told us yet
What Boogie Street is for.
Are posted on the door,
There's no one who has told us yet
What Boogie Street is for.
- peter
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 11578
- Joined: Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:08 am
- Location: Another time. Another place.
- Been thanked: 6 times
Poetry that is written from the heart Lorin, rarely falls on deaf ears. Thanks for sharing.
The truth is a Lion and does not need protection. Once free it will look after itself.
....and the glory of the world becomes less than it was....
'Have we not served you well'
'Of course - you know you have.'
'Then let it end.'
We are the Bloodguard
....and the glory of the world becomes less than it was....
'Have we not served you well'
'Of course - you know you have.'
'Then let it end.'
We are the Bloodguard
- Vraith
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 10621
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:03 pm
- Location: everywhere, all the time
Yes, that was my fave phrase...and it comes right away, great hook.ussusimiel wrote: I especially liked the phrase 'storied skin'
I would like to be able to see the 'storied skin' more clearly, is it tattooed, wrinkled, or a metaphor for something else
u.
I expected in the rest for things like the mist and the day changing to be actively writing more story right now...or to "trace" a specific story or two that was already told on the skin. [and yea, the path...that's a nice line, too].
It's good as it is...but there is a lot that could be done with it.
And it implies more could be done by the author, cuz:
I've seen a LOT of "my first poem, ever" teaching and taking classes...this is first rate for a first effort. Better than many, or even most, get by their first 100...or ever.
[spoiler]Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.[/spoiler]
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
the difference between evidence and sources: whether they come from the horse's mouth or a horse's ass.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
- aliantha
- blueberries on steroids
- Posts: 17865
- Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:50 pm
- Location: NOT opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe
So how's everybody doing?
I've submitted the WIP, which is titled "Seasons of the Fool," to Amazon's new Kindle Scout program -- and they've accepted it.
The idea behind the program is that readers will be able to read excerpts of books on the site, and books that generate reader interest will get a $1500 advance from Amazon's Kindle Press program. Unlike the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards, which are once a year, the Kindle Scout program will be ongoing. They claim they'll do a boatload of promotion help for the Kindle Press books.
Anyway, my book goes live on Oct. 27th. Don't worry, I'll be spamming the Watch to ask y'all to vote for it.
I've submitted the WIP, which is titled "Seasons of the Fool," to Amazon's new Kindle Scout program -- and they've accepted it.
The idea behind the program is that readers will be able to read excerpts of books on the site, and books that generate reader interest will get a $1500 advance from Amazon's Kindle Press program. Unlike the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Awards, which are once a year, the Kindle Scout program will be ongoing. They claim they'll do a boatload of promotion help for the Kindle Press books.
Anyway, my book goes live on Oct. 27th. Don't worry, I'll be spamming the Watch to ask y'all to vote for it.
EZ Board Survivor
"Dreaming isn't good for you unless you do the things it tells you to." -- Three Dog Night (via the GI)
https://www.hearth-myth.com/