How do you feel today? v. 3.0

[Cambo]

I found out yesterday that my grandfather had died earlier this month. I've been estranged from my family for many years - been almost 20 years since I last saw my grandparents, and hadn't seen them more than a few times in the 10 years before that. They contacted me a few years back wanting to meet, and I refused. They were strangers who were never there when I was growing up, people who were from a very different world, and meeting them as an adult for awkward small talk had no appeal. And now I get this letter saying that he was gone and he'd always loved me. So now I feel guilty. I feel like a bad person. And no doubt that was the intent - my family has always excelled at the art of guilt. I wish I could say I had loved him, I wish I could say I had fond memories... but the only memories I have are of small talk and criticism and a feeling that I would never measure up to their standards. But still, I feel guilty.

Nothing to feel guilty about. Family is about unconditional love and support. If you don't receive this from them, they forfeit their right to be treated as your family. I only knew three of my grandparents growing up. They all died within a year, and I was heartbroken. Years later, I found out that my dad's father had died (I thought he was dead already). What was I supposed to feel about this? I never met him, he walked out on my Nanna, my dad had decided years ago to have nothing to do with him. What was he to me? Not much.

But speaking of guilt trips, his obituary in the paper read "Beloved Father of (various aunts and uncles), Father of (my dad)." We still don't talk to my aunt and uncle, who wrote that.

[Cameraman Jenn]

Family is a strange thing. I never met anyone on my Dad's side of the family until my Grandmother's funeral about ten years or so back. When we were little my Grandfather died and I only have one recollection of meeting him and her in person from about seven years old. His death was a catalyst for my Grandmother's subsequent mental breakdown and my Uncle Tony was taking care of her in the beginning. This was all in Cheyenne Wyoming. About a year after her snap my Uncle Tony called my Dad and told him that my Grandmother was on a plane and when to pick her up. Just like that. Needless to say they never spoke to one another again. My recollections of my Grandmother are mostly kinda scary. She was crazy and weird. Back to my Dad and his bro, they only spoke for the first time at the funeral. I met my Dad's brother, Tony, his sister, Charlene, their spouses and my four cousins on that day. I also met my Grandfather's best friend Jerry who seemed more like family to me than anyone else. He's the one who ended up taking care of my Grandmother for many many years. I cried a ton when he passed away as we kept in touch for years after the funeral. My aunt Charlene has since died as well, she was killed in a car accident and I felt nothing. She was a stranger. Sometimes that is the way life is. Blood is just genetics, it doesn't guarantee love or even understanding. It's just a physical similarity in the makeup of our flesh. You are right to feel however you feel but keep in mind that feeling guilty now is just a waste of your energy because there is nothing you can do to change anything. I'm sending you a mental hug right now, Sorus.

[Avatar]

sounds like a great trip!

get any pics? What color's the hawk now?

Hahaha, it's electric blue. And yes, I got pics. Will post a couple during the week.

And yeah Sorus...nothing to feel guilty about. Like Jenn says, family is just genetics. You don't get to choose. If he'd always loved you, there would have been signs, y'know?

--A

[lorin]

Helldog just ate an entire 20 dollar bag of grated pecerino(sp?) romano grated cheese off the counter. I feel like chopping her up and making helldog au gratin.

[Dread Poet Jethro]

No, not Romano!
Wrong cheese to accompany
Tartare of Helldog...

[Sorus]

Thanks, guys.

Blood is just genetics, it doesn't guarantee love or even understanding.

That's exactly how I feel, but I was raised (hell, conditioned) to believe that 'blood is thicker than water' and anything else would be traitorous and uncivilized. Never mind that the ones who preached that were the ones most likely to throw someone under the bus for the sake of some petty feud. Guilt and obligation had far more power than love. It bugs me that they can still get under my skin, but that's the way it goes.

[Cameraman Jenn]

They are the best at pushing your buttons because they are the ones that installed them in the first place.

[Avatar]

Hahaha, well said Jenn.

--A

[aliantha]

What Av said about what Jenn said. Sorus:

Sorry I've been kind of scarce around here lately. Just about knitted my hands off over the past two weeks, trying to finish three pairs of gloves for Yule. Then last weekend was the mad cookie-baking rush. Monday afternoon, I drove down to Roanoke to celebrate Yule with the girls. We stayed up 'til 3am to see the eclipse, but it was too cloudy. Then a co-worker called my cellphone at 8am -- while I was on vacation, mind you -- to ask me a question she could have gotten the answer to by checking our internal website like her boss told her to do (I read the e-mail string when I got back to work yesterday). I admit I wasn't very gracious on the phone.

Anyway, then Magickmaker and I drove back Tuesday night. Got in just before midnight -- and then I had to make another batch of cookies, so was up 'til 2am. And went to work at the regular time yesterday. I was pretty fried by the end of the day.... Now I've just gotta get through today, and then I get a three-day weekend. If anyone calls me early Friday morning, they are going to get an earful!

[lorin]

That's exactly how I feel, but I was raised (hell, conditioned) to believe that 'blood is thicker than water' and anything else would be traitorous and uncivilized. Never mind that the ones who preached that were the ones most likely to throw someone under the bus for the sake of some petty feud. Guilt and obligation had far more power than love. It bugs me that they can still get under my skin, but that's the way it goes.

I am 55 years old and my father (and brothers ) is still capable of drilling directly under my skin, past my protective callous layer and hit the soft center of my guilt bone.....everytime. The only thing that has worked for me is confronting him directly and not burying my anger. I only started that in the last few years and was amazed to see the reaction. I thought he would never speak to me, instead he became more solicitous and falsely sweet, which is fine with me. I still don't always confront him but it becomes easier each time. I only wish I hadn't waited till my 50's to try speaking my mind. Things might have turned out very differently if I hadn't spent so much of my time and energy living with buried anger.

[Cambo]

Just finished a Christmas eve morining checkout shift. Craaazy. Now I'm stuffed.

[Orlion]

Hopefully with "holiday cheer"

[Cambo]

Well, now I am. Just watched a violent martial arts movie with my dad. Got into the spirit of love and forgiveness .

A very Merry Christmas to all my new friends on the Watch. Will be early for most of you but that's because I get it first

Have a great festive season. Eat, drink and be merry. Love one another. All that stuff.

[aliantha]

Happy Christmas to them what celebrates it.

For the rest of us...I dunno, let's go to the movies or something.

[Damelon]

Have I mentioned that I'm getting real annoyed with the History Channel. They've gone over to the sensationalists. An Alien History of Planet Earth, UFO Hunters, Ancient Aliens. They apparently feel that history is so boring they have to put on nonsense like that. I almost threw my remote through the TV, when on Ancient Aliens some clown claimed with a straight face that aliens built a base on the bottom of Lake Titicaca in Bolivia.

Rant over.

[lorin]

[Menolly]

Gator Town had flurries today!
Last time was 1996.

[Auleliel]

I'm raising mine.

[Menolly]

I just received a $30 Office Depot gift card in the mail!

They had a promotion for a sweepstakes where you earned one if you were among the first 300 to register, and when I registered I was told I was one of that first 300. But they later posted that there was a glitch, and I never received a confirmation email. So I am totally taken aback that I was sent one. I'm guessing they decided to issue one to everyone who received that message. Now that is keeping your customers happy!

[aliantha]

Congrats, Menolly!

I got a nifty little device for converting cassette tapes to MP3 files, in preparation for ditching Magickmaker's old crappy-sounding stereo (which I've been using since my old one died a few years back) in favor of the Bose Wave radio/CD player I've ordered. (And let's hope the Bose lives up to the hype. But anyway.) Just finished dubbing my old Christmas mixtape from the early '80s. Had to google the official title of the Dan Fogelberg song at the end of the tape, and found out the guy died of prostate cancer in 2007. Nobody ever tells me anything....