Kevin's Watch

Furls Fire wrote:Ah, must have been too..umm something...doesn't sound much like him, but I thought I would share as it made me learn just a tiny bit more about him (which didn't seem possible).

I think, and I can't be sure of this because none of these are dated, that maybe this was written right after the diagnosis. And tho he was always so open and so strong and so full of faith, there always seemed to be a small part of him that no one could access...I think this came from there. The place where disease, pain, and loss resided. The place where, so to speak, the air was indeed fog.

I have to now accept the realization, that at times my brother's light threatened to fail. And that is hard for me to accept.

I begin my inward folding
Forehead creased in the seam
of dawning inevitability.
I know I fail this incursion of self
This turning point imposed on me unaware
Perhaps if my attention were more diligent,
My resistance would prove to be well built.
And yet, I know the truth
The way of it, the cruelty of it
The steadfast rush of it.

Oh! I would rather be elsewhere!
Walking under the maple wood
In a nudity stripped down to sweet liberation
The sun-soaked health of undergrowth
Inviting me forward, enwrapping beauty
About me like catharsis.
Arms thrown wide to embrace in nakedness
The palliative, the cleansing antitoxin.
All former realities purged away.

Save me from such dreams!
The sodium onslaught of their light
Rubs and rubs my open wounds.
These imaginings torture my soul,
My core acceptance of defeat.
By degrees, I fold inward,
descend profoundly.
No miracle bequeathed to lift the man I am
freefalling into the infinite well of disease.

--Stephen C. McKinney

As I was reading this I couldnt help but think of a quote from someone else that knew his time was up and that he had a difficult road to tread. That person also was having a hard time accepting what was coming.

"And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me;"

So He was...And so He did accept...

And He went a little farther, and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. --Matthew 26:39

He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.
--Matthew 26:42

And He left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words. --Matthew 26:44

Welcome to Stephen's thread Soulbiter

Stephen walked in the path that Jesus and the Father laid before him, in this journey, he accepted all he faced along that path. In the end, he welcomed rest, and passed on knowing he was going Home. He smiled.

Thank you Furls.

I dont know why I have never looked in the Hall of Gifts before but Im glad I finally did. I have only read about 12 pages of the 53 in this thread but I am humbled by your brothers strength and the wisdom of someone way beyond his years. I am also humbled by his ability to recognize his own weakness and find a way to get through it with his faith, not only intact but stronger.

What a remarkable individual he was! The world was a better place with him in it and is less than it was without him being here. I cant help but think that there was a reason he was given all these talents and gifts and yet such a short time in this world to share those gifts.

Another 40 pages of reading to get through but Im in no hurry to get to page 53 in this thread. I have learned alot about life and faith just in the first few pages and I hope to get to page 53 a stronger person, both in my faith and in knowing the part of your brother that you and others have shared here.

Wonderful!!!

I am always overjoyed when someone decides to just pop in here. I fear that most people who haven't been following the thread from it's beginning will find it's length daunting and just avoid it. When I see a new "face" in here posting my soul just jumps. And I've said this before, this thread is what brought Isaiah to us. Stephen is working from that other glorious place. I believe without him pushing me to do this almost 5 years ago, Isaiah would have passed on alone and in despair.

What gifts the Lord bestows!! Stephen was/is a wondrous gift!!

Easter comes early this year. May His peace be upon you all this glorious Easter morning...

He is Risen!!!

Here is something from Stephen...

Easter Sunday 1999 5:07am

I lay awake in the pre dawn of this Easter Morning. Peace enwraps my body as the pain abates and I lift my head and rise up out of bed. I step out on the balcony and await the sunrise. A song comes to my heart, and I recall the services I attended as a boy and how the spirit of Him would fill me as I sang before the congregation…

My Jesus, my Savior
Lord there is naught like you
All of my days I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love

Shout to the Lord
All the earth let us sing
Power and majesty praise to the King
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

My comfort, my shelter
Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You.

Shout to the Lord
All the earth let us sing
Power and majesty praise to the King
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

And as I listen to the memory of singing that song with my sister, I weep for the loss of breath and voice. I no longer can shout out that Spirit and joy that still fill my heart. I am no longer able to open up my throat and shout out “HE IS RISEN!!!”

Ah, self pity again Stephen? It is unbecoming, it is selfish, it is weakness. Are you not a gracious child of the Father? Accepting of His will? Have faith, hold onto the peace He instills in you. Behold, He is Risen. What voice is needed but that which shouts from your soul. He hears. He knows. The song is never silent as long as it sings in your heart. Be at peace, Stephen….

Shout to the Lord…All the earth let us sing….

Thanks for sharing that Easter from Stephen with us. I finished reading the threads for Stephen as well as the ones for Shadowlurker.

Stephens story is inspiring on many levels, not the least of which is faith. For me reading not just how he defined his faith and how he held it dear, but also how personal his relationship with God was, helps me to see that our relationship with God is only limited by ourselves. It can be as close or as distant as we really want it to be.

Reading your story is even more inspiring to me. What you do for others is what Christ wants all of us to do. If only we could ALL find it within ourselves to be as selfless, and to live as Christ would have us live, what would our world look like?

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
(Casting Crowns)

HUGGLESSSSSSSSS Soulbiter

I am so happy that you were able to read thru it all, it has become rather daunting. When I first started the thread, gosh 4 1/2 years ago, I never thought it would grow as large or as fast as it did. I have neglected it tho, and never seem to be able to pick it back up to the way it used to be. I'm just glad that people still come to it and find peace in it.

I believe it is what Stephen wants. He walked in the Light when he was here in this world, never far from the next. His faith was beyond anything that can be described with mere words. He did nothing unless he felt it was God's way, God's will. He was, in a word, glorious. And we all knew it from the moment he was born.

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've even seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same

Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord

When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
For all of my days
I won't rest 'till I see You again

Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You
---Third Day

Furls Fire wrote:HUGGLESSSSSSSSS Soulbiter

I am so happy that you were able to read thru it all, it has become rather daunting. When I first started the thread, gosh 4 1/2 years ago, I never thought it would grow as large or as fast as it did. I have neglected it tho, and never seem to be able to pick it back up to the way it used to be...

Furls...first of all let me say there is no "used to be" when it comes to this thread. By no means am I a religious man, but I have always been truly touched by Stephen. Not because of his knowledge of Jesus as the son of God, but because of his conviction. Because of who he is. Because of the strength he held in spite of his illness. You spoke in this thread about putting this into book form. My personal opinion is that you should do that. I think Stephen's story needs to be shared by those who do not visit the Watch. I think your brother has a message for everyone on every level.
I think that regardless of any individual's beliefs, Stephen would be an inspiration to them.

I consider myself a "manly-man," and yet, I cannot read this thread without welling up with tears. I sat here for 3 hours yesterday re-reading every post, every word, and not even for one instant were my eyes dry.

So often I turn to a blank page in my notebook and begin to write. Yet more often do I close the book with a but a few words written. I am thrilled that this was not the case for Stephen. In his 59 posts here, he has touched my heart more than people that I have known for years.

With all that I am, I thank you for sharing your brother with me. I am humbled in the face of such beauty. And yet at the same time I feel sorrow that this thread has lay idle for over 2 months.

Stephen often spoke of his work here among us. Even though he longed to rest and be at peace and love in his cottage, there was a purpose for him here among us that needed to be fulfilled. Furls, I feel you have completed that purpose. You have allowed Stephen to touch more than those whom he met.

Stephen C. McKinney wrote:“I’m just a man, Nathan, like you. The world will go on as though I was never here.”

“You are wrong.” He whispered. And Tracie echoed. “Yes, wrong.” Then she locked eyes on Nathan. “My brother seems to think he is nothing special. He doesn’t realize light shines from him, and music lives in his voice. He doesn’t see himself as we see him. But, you see it, and I see it, and all who know and love him see it. You are right, Nathan, the world will weep.”

I end with this. I did not know Stephen, and still I weep.

Blessings Ur-Bane

It brings me such joy to read posts such as yours after all this time. And you are right, there is no "used to be", Stephen lives in this thread and in his journal pages. It is who he was, who he is, and who he will always be. And, I have given alot of thought to arranging his journals into some kind of publishable form. But, it would be such an undertaking...and "free time" is something I don't have very much of. Maybe someday....

My father has joined Stephen. He passed on from a rare form of Leukemia that was very aggressive.

Hey! Somehow, I didn't see the last few posts. Very odd.

Furls Fire wrote:My father has joined Stephen. He passed on from a rare form of Leukemia that was very aggressive.

What?? You mean recently??

ugh!

Our power went out as I was typing that earlier, I'm surprised it posted!! Wierd

But yes, he passed July 10, 2008. It was sudden, this Leukemia just attacked him, it was such a shock to all of us. I've been going back and forth to Scottsdale the last few months to help my mother with him while he was ill, as did my brothers and sister. She has decided to sell our "family home", the house we all grew up in, and come here to the mountain. We laid Daddy to rest next to Stephen, Isaiah and Silezia, and she wants to be near him. She doesn't want to live alone and wants to watch her grandchildren grow up. So, we are in the process of doing that.

For my Father, from my brother....

If I should be the first to go
mourn not the grave I lie,
although my chair is empty
my spirit did not die.

Death is not a foe to fear
When mortal time is through.
The tears I shed are sadness
at thoughts of leaving you.

I'll miss your cherished love,
The looks, the touches that said
when one of us was hurt-
the others always bled.

Memories are the blessing
that endure beyond the dust,
we accept the will of God
and do the things we must.

If I should be the first to go
I'll mark the path with care
so when you follow in my steps-
you'll find me waiting there.

Stephen C. McKinney...10 years old, 1979

May God bless you both and enwrap you in His divine Love...

Until we are all together again...

Furls: Hang in there.

Man, this has been a lousy year for Watchers' parents....

So sorry for your loss, Furlsy.

Just wanted to say how impressed and amazed I am with Stephen's writing. I don't know any of you, or this fine fellow, but to write like that at 10 years old is astonishing to me.

I've read through his other stuff posted in here and his bravery in his words dwarf and humble me. What a class act.

You have my condolences.

Ah, Tracie, I'm sorry to hear it.

HUGGLESSSSSSSSSSSSS Everyone!!

"When the call Home comes, it will be a blessing and an end to my pain...and I will go laughing for joy..." Stephen, of course. But I share that feeling and so did my father. We rejoice for them, for they are now in a place so much better than here. What a glorious end and beginning there is to come.

ParanioA, be welcome to Stephen's thread and to the Watch!! I don't know how long you've been here, I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't been keeping up with all the new members, but I am so happy you found your way into Stephen's little corner. Well met!!

Okay...now a question...

What are these "thank you" thingies I'm seeing under my avatar and everyone elses???

Furls Fire wrote:Okay...now a question...

What are these "thank you" thingies I'm seeing under my avatar and everyone elses???

It started in the Think Tank, according to the Thanks? thread in Q&A.

Oh...I guess I've been a silent lurker in this thread up to now...

Why so silent, Menolly???

And thanks for pointing me in the direction of the "thank you" thread, but I still don't get it...having really bad brain freezes lately, nothing makes much sense to me

I am completely worn out, too bad I can't take a week and just sleep

And I wanted to do a journal entry yesterday for Stephen's birthday too.

*sigh*

He would have been 39.

I figgered out the "Thank You" thingies

whew...that was giving me fits!!

Now, when I get ALOT of free time, I'm going to go thru this thread from the beginning and THANK everyone who ever posted here, including Isaiah.