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Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 10:37 pm
by [Syl]
Once, there was this woman. She had a white toy poodle that she loved
with all her life. She took this dog everywhere she went.
One day she had business one the other side of the country, and she
had to fly there... so she went to airport and baught a ticket. The
airline said that they didn't allow dogs on the plane; not knowing what
to do she sat down and thought about the situation.
She remembered a little coat store by the airport, and a few seconds
later she was there buying a full length mink coat... she rearrived at
the airport and put the dog in her coat and boarded the plane.
The no smoking light went on and they were up in the air. The dog,
though, was starting to get a little restless. THe woman sitting next to
her noticed the coat starting to move and yap and she leanded over and
said "Mam, you know you're not allowed to have a dog on the plane." And
the dog-lover explained the situation and the woman conceeded not to tell
anyone.
A few minutes later, the woman sitting next to the dogowner lit a smoke.
The dog-lover started caughing violently and told the smoker that it
wasn't allowed on the plane. The smoker turned to her and said" If you
throw your dog out the window, I'll throw my cigrette out." The dogowner
thought it over, she really hated smoking and it made her ill....so she
agreed, they threw the dog and smoke out the window.
About 5 minutes later, they look out the window...do you know what
they see on the wing of the airplane? They see a white poodle, do you know
what he has in his mouth?
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A brick
Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 1:29 pm
by Nathan
Sylvanus, that made me want to burn my eyes out with concentrated acid.
Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 6:28 pm
by [Syl]
Only works (the joke, not the acid) if you hear the first part fairly soon before the second part. Works even better if someone else tells the second half.
Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 10:56 pm
by Nathan
oh it worked. That's why I wanted to get rid of my eyes. So nothing like that could ever be done to me again.
Don't mind if I do...
Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 12:45 am
by lurch
...Two jews, an irishman and a puerto rican walk in to a bar. The bartender looks up and says," Get the h*ll out of here!!".....
..MEL
Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 1:11 am
by dlbpharmd
Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 2:46 pm
by Edge
Why is the Starship Enterprise like a roll of toilet paper?
It goes around Uranus and wipes out Klingons.
Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 4:50 pm
by Warmark
Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 5:04 pm
by dlbpharmd
Good one!
Posted: Mon May 09, 2005 3:19 pm
by nuk
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
You can't cross a scalar with a vector.
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 9:50 pm
by danlo
There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in and realizes they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's."
Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.
Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 10:07 am
by Warmark
Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 6:08 am
by duchess of malfi
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. . . . . "
Wait for it.
It's coming.
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 10:27 am
by dlbpharmd
{groan}
Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 10:36 am
by Avatar
Well Said.
--A
Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 9:07 pm
by Sorus
A coworker recently showed me a list of the 'Top 10 LOTR spin-off shows'. Whatever. Here's the SRD version.
5. Have Mirror, Will Travel
4. Leave it to Berek
3. Who Wants to be an Amnioni?
2. Survivor: Mount Thunder
1. Queer Eye for the Haruchai
(I know it's only 5. I'll edit more in later as I think of them.)
Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:51 am
by danlo
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it
over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some apples. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:59 am
by Lord Mhoram
danlo,
I like that one!
Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 1:17 am
by High Lord Tolkien
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 30 pounds.
[ducks and finds cover]
("You can switch out girlfriend and wife with boyfriend and husband" I said as I was pummeled by the wife)
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 3:20 am
by Sorus
Some of you may have seen this before, but I find it amusing...
If They Married...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)
If Jack Handy ("Saturday Night Live" writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
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