Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 3:15 am

I also believe that the best things in life require effort - and that they are worth fighting for. And it seems to me that despair is MUCH easier than joy. It's far easier to be angry at someone, even hate them, than it is to forgive and love them. This applies to ourselves as well. So it's sort of the logical conslusion that the love and happiness are better, and worth fighting for.

Post by **Furls Fire** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 3:18 am

well said Fist

hugglessssssss to you too my friend

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 3:32 am

You know, you give out a whole lot more hugglesssss than you get. Here!

Post by **Furls Fire** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 3:39 am

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 4:37 am

Now didn't Shadow just talk to you about blushing!!!

Here's some quotes about sacred/holy things that I thought might fit nicely here.

First, from Magister Ludi, by Hermann Hesse:

I suddenly realized that in the language, or at any rate in the spirit of the Glass Bead Game, everything actually was all-meaningful, that every symbol and combination of symbols led not hither and yon, not to single examples, experiments, and proofs, but into the center, the mystery and innermost heart of the world, into primal knowledge. Every transition from major to minor in a sonata, every transformation of a myth or a religious cult, every classical or artistic formulation was, I realized in that flashing moment, if seen with a truly meditative mind, nothing but a direct route into the interior of the cosmic mystery, where in the alternation between inhaling and exhaling, between heaven and earth, between Yin and Yang, holiness is forever being created.

From Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Phaedrus attempted to climb a mountain, but failed:

He never reached the mountain. After the third day he gave up, exhausted, and the pilgrimage went on without him. He said he had the physical strength but that physical strength wasn’t enough. He had the intellectual motivation but that wasn’t enough either. He didn’t think he had been arrogant but thought that he was undertaking the pilgrimage to broaden his experience, to gain understanding for himself. He was trying to use the mountain for his own purposes and the pilgrimage too. He regarded himself as the fixed entity, not the pilgrimage or the mountain, and thus wasn’t ready for it. He speculated that the other pilgrims, the ones who reached the mountain, probably sensed the holiness of the mountain so intensely that each footstep was an act of devotion, an act of submission to this holiness. The holiness of the mountain infused into their own spirits enabled them to endure far more than anything he, with his greater physical strength, could take. To the untrained eye ego-climbing and selfless climbing may appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place one foot in front of the other. Both breathe in and out at the same rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a difference! The ego-climber is like an instrument that’s out of adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late. He’s likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he’s tired. He rests at odd times. He looks up the trail trying to see what’s ahead even when he knows what’s ahead because he just looked a second before. He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something else. He’s here but he’s not here. He rejects the here, is unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets there will be just as unhappy because then it will be ‘here’. What he’s looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn’t want that because it is all around him. Every step’s an effort, both physically and spiritually, because he imagines his goal to be external and distant.

And a conversation from Star Trek: The Next Generation:

LAKANTA
"What's sacred to you, Wesley?"

(That definitely catches Wesley off-guard.)

WESLEY
"To me? Uh... well, I consider a lot of things... important... I respect a lot of things... but I don't know if I consider anything sacred."

LAKANTA
"Look around us. What do you think would be sacred to us here?"

(Wesley looks around for a moment... he hesitates.)

WESLEY
"Well... maybe some of the designs on the walls... the necklace you're wearing... ?"

LAKANTA
"Everything is sacred to us. The buildings... the food... the sky... the dirt under your feet... and you. Whether you believe in your own spirit or not... we believe in it. So you are a sacred person here, Wesley."

(Wesley smiles after a beat... a little embarrassed, but intrigued just the same.)

WESLEY
"I think that's the first time anyone's used that particular word to describe me."

LAKANTA
"So if you're sacred... then you have to treat yourself with respect... to do otherwise is to desecrate something holy."

Post by **Furls Fire** » Wed Dec 17, 2003 4:50 am

beautiful as always Fist

Love your quotes

ShadowLurker · Post by **ShadowLurker** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 2:48 pm

All those hugs that Fist and Faith gave you, I triple.

Furls Fire wrote:What you need to remember is...it's not all of you. You are not just this, you are not just pain, you are so much more. And in this life, what you are in spite of this, is worth the fight to preserve yourself. Why let this win? Accept it, yes, but by God, don't lay down to it. It must not have its way, not yet.

And you still insist that who Stephen was had nothing to do with you? Tsk, girl. That sliced right through me, you are right of course, there is more to me than just this. It takes so much courage to fight. And you, sweet Tracie, are helping me find that courage. You and your brother.

love ya, sweetheart

Post by **duchess of malfi** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 4:27 pm

Ah, Shadow, to quote our favorite author

there is also love in the world

Post by **Furls Fire** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 5:07 pm

God bless and keep you always, my friend.

Peace

Post by **Furls Fire** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 5:15 pm

In honor of the season, I typed up a journal entry from Christmas 1986. Stephen was 16 at the time.

Merry Merry Christmas everyone, may the light of the Lord shine on each of you during this season of peace and joy; and always.

Love you all

Post by **Stephen C** » Thu Dec 18, 2003 5:19 pm

Christmas Day, 1986 1:02am

It’s Christmas time again, that joyous time when all my family is home and gathered to celebrate the birth of our Lord. We have just come from midnight services, and I was privileged to sing my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night, this year and after, read from the Bible:

And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

And all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; because he was of the house and lineage of David. To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

And she brought forth her first born Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign onto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.”

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” --Luke 2:16 KJV

I did not actually have to read it, for I know it in my heart and memory. What a glorious and precious story! The account of our dear Lord Jesus’ birth. On this holiest of nights I am filled to the brim with His presence.. “my cup runneth over”. I do not know what is ahead of me in this life, but I know, somehow it will be a short life. Why? I have no answer, but I know it, as certain as I know my own name. So, on this Christmas Eve, I am comforted by having my Lord in my heart. And there He will remain, until He calls me Home.

Joy to the world! The Lord has come! Let Earth receive her King!

“God bless us, every one.” –Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Fri Dec 19, 2003 11:42 pm

Who is this brat 16-yo kid who knows such things about himself???

I nearly shudder reading it!

duchess of malfi wrote:Ah, Shadow, to quote our favorite author
there is also love in the world

And to quote him again:

"I have learned that we are born for beauty rather than ill."

ShadowLurker · Post by **ShadowLurker** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 3:30 pm

duchess of malfi wrote:Ah, Shadow, to quote our favorite author
there is also love in the world

Thank you Duchess. I'll take all those I can get.

It is hard for me to reveal certain things, but Tracie told me that my illness was nothing to be ashamed of and that hiding it only gave it power over me. She has a way of making you see the obvious. Reading Stephen's words have helped me through some very dark days lately. I am very grateful to Tracie for sharing him with us.

Fist and Faith wrote:Who is this brat 16-yo kid who knows such things about himself???

I nearly shudder reading it!

Even that young, astounding. When most kids that age are worried about being cool, and how their hair looks, or who likes who. Stephen speaks of God and how short his life will be. Amazing. Wise beyond his years.

Sweet Tracie wrote:Merry Merry Christmas everyone, may the light of the Lord shine on each of you during this season of peace and joy; and always.

Love you all

Oh, Happy Christmas to you and your beautiful family, Sweetheart. May you receive all the joy you bring to others back ten-fold. Love ya.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 3:38 pm

Well, ShadowLurker, I'm not trying to get you to spill your guts, and maybe what I'm thinking does not apply to you. But I'll just say that, in general, many people are ashamed of certain problems. Depression and shyness are good examples. In all cases that I've heard of, this is the equivelant of being ashamed of bad eyesight. We are all born with certain strengths and weaknesses. Things that are very much the result of DNA, hormones, and various other physical things. Some, like the shape of the eye's lense, are more easily understood than others, like depression. But there are still huge physical components. Meaning we should not beat ourselves up over them.

ShadowLurker · Post by **ShadowLurker** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 4:10 pm

Well said, Fist and Faith. I've never had it easy, and depression comes and goes as with all things. There has always been this doubt of my self worth, and people have entered and left my life, some good some not so good, and I've always felt there was always something wrong with me. Not going into too much detail, of course, but the way I am caused my family's rejection of me at a very young age. So, I learned to get by on my own, and found it was easier to just be alone then to try and trust others as they came into my life.

Tracie is the first person to just accept anything and everything I have to say about myself. Oh, she sets me to rights when I start with the self pity and self worthlessness. But mostly, she is pillar of strength that I can grasp and hold on too. (No blushing, Sweetheart). She has been gracious enough to accept me into her heart, and her knowledge and work with AIDS astounds me, I think she knows more about this disease then even my doctor does.

If there is a God, and after all my talks with Tracie and reading Stephen's words, I'm beginning to think that maybe there is; then for some reason, He has decided to bless me with her friendship. And for that, I am infinitly grateful.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Sat Dec 20, 2003 11:51 pm

ShadowLurker wrote:There has always been this doubt of my self worth

Not around here.

ShadowLurker wrote:Not going into too much detail, of course, but the way I am caused my family's rejection of me at a very young age.

Yes, it is so very unfortunate that the thing that is supposed to be our place of strength - our family - is often as helpless as we are.

ShadowLurker wrote:Oh, she sets me to rights when I start with the self pity and self worthlessness.

As well she should. Give him hell, Tracie!!!

ShadowLurker wrote:If there is a God, and after all my talks with Tracie and reading Stephen's words, I'm beginning to think that maybe there is;

They do raise some interesting questions, don't they?

ShadowLurker wrote:then for some reason, He has decided to bless me with her friendship. And for that, I am infinitly grateful.

Indeed. Her presence among us is a cause for joy.

Hey, isn't it about time you became a member? I think I know of a place you could live.

Post by **Furls Fire** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 3:54 am

You guys render me speechless...

Post by **duchess of malfi** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 3:37 pm

Shadow said:

Not going into too much detail, of course, but the way I am caused my family's rejection of me at a very young age.

There are many people who have this problem, for all sorts of reasons. In my case it was simply because I was born female and therefore not wanted. It took some time, years in my case, to realize that I am what I am, and that the problem belonged to others, not to me...We are each of us beautiful, miraculous creations of God. Next time you look in the mirror Shadow, I want you to look for some of your beauty....

ShadowLurker · Post by **ShadowLurker** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 4:48 pm

Furls Fire wrote:

You guys render me speechless...

You? speechless? Be still my heart. It's all truth Tracie. All truth.

duchess of malfi wrote:There are many people who have this problem, for all sorts of reasons. In my case it was simply because I was born female and therefore not wanted. It took some time, years in my case, to realize that I am what I am, and that the problem belonged to others, not to me...We are each of us beautiful, miraculous creations of God. Next time you look in the mirror Shadow, I want you to look for some of your beauty....

Unbelievable. I am surrounded by such compassionate people here. Hugs to you Duchess and I admire you for rising above such obvious hardship to become such a warm person. I would like to think that one of my greatest accomplishments in this life was not letting my own abandondment and rejection and affliction turn me into a bitter and hateful person. I know I am capable of love and trust, just afraid of it.

But, then I read Stephen's words, his wisdom, his acceptance, his undying, unfaltering, unwavering love. They give me peace and I become less afraid of life.

Stephen wrote:Maybe it will not matter that I was here at all. I know I am just infinitesimal in the greater scheme of the universe. I’ve often wondered what purpose there is to living life. Oh, I know I’m not the first to ask that! That question is as old as life itself. But, in this life, to each given, what is meant by it? Are we all born to purpose, destiny? If we are and we somehow fail in it, what happens to the soul? Will I have time enough to succeed in mine? Or will I die in the middle of some mad search for it? Or, perhaps I will not have to search at all, just only stand still, and wait for it to find me.

And Stephen, speaking of Frost's poem, Bereft wrote:The imagery in this is breath taking. The loneliness, the darkness, “something sinister in the tone, told me my secret must be known”, the “deeper roar” of the wind; all this, mirrors the chaos I’ve been living in this past year. “Summer was past and day was past”. The coming of winter, not just the season of winter, but the winter of life. I’m at mine now, I doubt I will see another spring.

I’ve been talking to God, I believe He hears me. Peace comes over me those times, when all the voices are still, and I manage to hold back the gale. My inner whispering riding along the “deeper roar” of the wind. I feel the might of this wind, peace now becomes more and more elusive. My body a husk for chaos now, rolling and surging, drowning out my whispers so none, save God, can hear them.

Oh, how wish I could have sat and talked with this man. Beautiful.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Sun Dec 21, 2003 5:44 pm

ShadowLurker wrote:Unbelievable. I am surrounded by such compassionate people here.

It does get on one's nerves, doesn't it?

ShadowLurker wrote:Hugs to you Duchess and I admire you for rising above such obvious hardship to become such a warm person. I would like to think that one of my greatest accomplishments in this life was not letting my own abandondment and rejection and affliction turn me into a bitter and hateful person.

You're quite right about both you and duchess. And duchess has been one of the very best things about this site as long as I've been here.

ShadowLurker wrote:I know I am capable of love and trust, just afraid of it.

Well jump in, the water's fine!!

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)