Kevin's Watch

What's up, everyone? My name is Jordan, my brother Micah and me were adopted by Aunt Tracie and Uncle Russ when our mom passed on from AIDS. But, even before that, we knew them and our now brothers and sisters. They have always been family to us. Aunt Tracie is our second mom. And like Brooke said, we can't imagine her not being here with us.

I'm having a hard time with God right now. My mom and Alex both taken from me. If He takes Aunt Tracie too. Hell, I don't think I could handle it. I think that would be the last big hit I'd be able to take. She says that it's all going to be okay, that once she's done with all the med stuff it will be like it never happened. But, I can't help thinking that she's just telling us that because she doesn't want us to worry about her. Why is God doing this? What the hell has she ever done but help people? She says God isn't doing it all, she says that it's satan, that he tries to break the ones that serve God to hurt Him. Is that true? Damn, I don't know what to believe.

I've read Uncle Steve's journals, and in some of them he talks about fighting satan. There are little tapes, where he recorded conversations he had with people who were servants of satan and it was like listening to a damn horror movie. To think that stuff like that actually happens around us and that people like Uncle Steve lived in such a different world than we do. So, maybe Aunt Tracie is right, and that satan is attacking her because she does what she does for those of us who can't help ourselves. I wonder all the time if evil is real, and I wonder all the time if God is real.

If He is real, I pray that He protects my second mom from this attack.

I love you, Aunt Tracie!!

Hi Jordan.

Not much I can say regarding anger toward God. Being a non-believer, I don't have that. (Let's hear it for non-belief! *looks around sheepishly* oops) But I can talk about people in general, and at least a little about Tracie in particular. There are a lot of aspects of this we could discuss. But there's one thing that's more important than any other. And not just in this particular situation, with this particular woman. It's among the most important things for all people. And that is - how do we feel about death? How does Tracie feel? Does she live in fear of it, whether it will be soon or decades to come? Is she terrified, not knowing what will happen to her when she dies? Is she afraid of Hell, or oblivion, or anything else that scares many people?

No. She is not afraid of death. She's not afraid of anything. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?" And that is one of the BIG secrets to happiness. Don't worry about her. She is absolutely fine, no matter what happens to her.

Well said, F&F!

Sorry, I'm not a believer either. Well, I believe there is something but I just haven't worked out what that is.

However, Jordan, Fist is right:

She is not afraid of death. She's not afraid of anything. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?" And that is one of the BIG secrets to happiness. Don't worry about her. She is absolutely fine, no matter what happens to her.

Brave heart, Jordan.

Hey, wow, yeah, thanks for talking to me. I know she's fearless. I saw her take on a 250 lbs man that towered over her. She got right in his face and told him what was what and how it was and will be. She is the coolest. I know she's not afraid of this cancer. But I am. I'm afraid of losing another mother, all of my brothers and sisters are afraid. The little ones don't really get it, except Stevie. Stevie gets everything. He's got a wild mind, wouldn't know he was only 5.

None of this makes sense to me, sounds like it might be easier if I didn't believe in God. But, I don't know. Who would I pray too? And, I can't just up and stop believing. It's not something you turn off and on. At least I don't think it is. Of course, what the hell do I know about it all anyway? I'm just a kid. All I know is, I don't want to lose another mom, especially one has awesome as Aunt Tracie. Not sure I'd ever get past something like that.

Yeah, I know. I wish I had an answer to that end of this. Nobody wants to lose those we love. And some go through it more often than others. Tracie feels differently about it than I do. We discussed it briefly somewhere back in this thread. She can tell you how it feels for her. For me, the only answer is to accept what is, or live a life raging against it. Of course, seeing the answer is easy; living it is not. I've never gone through what you have. It's all just theory for me. I'm afraid I can't really help you.

Sorry for talking like this, Tracie. Even if it's all hypothetical, it's something Jordan is feeling very strongly.

We've always encouraged all the kids the talk out their feelings about things. And when they feel they can't do that with us, then we also encourage them to find someone else they feel comfortable with. Jordan found that in Alex, for a short time. Now, he's feeling a bit lost. It's not like he can't talk to us, he knows he can, but he has a hard time doing that sometimes. So, I am happy he came here. Let out some stuff.

I shouldn't talk like your not in the room, Jordan, you clearly are. So, keep it up son if it makes you feel better. And Eric, no need to apologize. Tracie knows your feelings. It's all good.

Yeah, I know. I just thought I should say it out loud. Otherwise I would have been talking like Tracie wasn't in the room. Heh. But thanks.

Hi, Jordan! As one of the believers in the room, here's something I know to be absolutely true: God will never ask us to go through something that we can't handle.

Jordan, if I thought for one second that I would not make it through this storm and come out of it alive and well, I would tell all of you. I would never tell you anything but the truth. I know this is scary, I know that none of you want to watch me go through this and with everything I am, I wish you didn't have too. But, here it is. There is no denying it. And I will be nothing but honest with you and your brothers and sisters about any of it. I think you know that. Your Dad and I will be here to help you all thru it.

I won't air out anymore of this here in the thread, just wanted to say that, since you came here. I love you sweetie.

Eric, I always smile when you talk about your "non-belief" as you call it. And somehow I know that there is some shred of belief laying down deep there, just by reading all you write about it.

Hey everyone, quick update. Mom's surgery is going to be tomorrow morning at 7am. They had a cancellation. She has already been admitted into the hospital because they want to monitor her lung capacity for anesthesia purposes. Dad is staying the night with her. Also, they can't do it laproscopic because the spleen is too big and she has too much scare tissue from the lung surgery she had.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. It now begins.

Oy. Thanks for the news, Brooke. I'm sure that house is way too quiet without you, Tracie. Come home soon.



And for when you are back:

Furls Fire wrote:Eric, I always smile when you talk about your "non-belief" as you call it. And somehow I know that there is some shred of belief laying down deep there, just by reading all you write about it.

Don't start with me yet again, lady!

Thinking good thoughts for Furls's surgery and a quick recovery.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you

Tracie is in my prayers as well as the whole family.

I got a text from Russ today:

Russ wrote:Trace out of surgery, but in CCU. Her lung collapsed and heart stopped on table. Spleen out. She is critical but stable. Keep her in your prayers.

We love you, Tracie.

Fist and Faith wrote:We love you, Tracie.

That we do.



We love you, Tracie.

Love and prayers going out to Tracie and the family.

Thinking of Tracie and family.

Mom had a rough night. She's still in CCU on a vent, her lung wants to keep collapsing. Her heartbeat is very irregular and no one seems to know why, Dr. Liz called in a cardiologist and he's been doing tests. She's in and out of consciousness, doesn't seem to be too aware of what is going on around her when she's awake. We all knew the surgery would be "high risk" and it was a hard decison for her to make. In the end tho, she wanted the spleen out because she said her chances of beating the NHL would be much better without it.

Thank you all for love, please please please keep the prayers coming.

Hugs all!

Thank you for the update, Fire Daughter. Sending my love and prayers.