Religious/familial conundrum

[duchess of malfi]

Soul Quest, I hate to tell you this, but I would be willing to bet almost anything that this woman is probably just as emotionally abusive (and possibly physically, too) to your brother as she is to the kids when they are alone.

In that case, he is probably unable to see the inappropriateness of her behavior.

[SoulQuest1970]

OK, so on your part I feel you need to instill in Alex the idea that even when being treated ugly, she has to at least act respectful to her elders in their presence. That includes not talking down to anyone. If she must see her aunt, that includes her. Gives your SIL less ammunition to turn against Alex.

However, you also must tell Alex to continue to inform you of any abusive behavior, even verbal, on her aunt's part. And, IMHO, you should instruct her on when calling 911 for abuse would be justified.

I agree about having her respect adults including her aunt. It is not her place talking down to any adult. This does give her amunition to use against Alex. Alex also knows to call me, my dad, the police etc. She has a firefly cell phone with a 911 button.

[SoulQuest1970]

Soul Quest, I hate to tell you this, but I would be willing to bet almost anything that this woman is probably just as emotionally abusive (and possibly physically, too) to your brother as she is to the kids when they are alone.

In that case, he is probably unable to see the inappropriateness of her behavior.

Oh, this would not shock or suprise me. I really don't know why he tolerates it. Normally he gets all uppity if he feels someone is disrespecting him. I just don't get it.

[duchess of malfi]

Soul Quest, I hate to tell you this, but I would be willing to bet almost anything that this woman is probably just as emotionally abusive (and possibly physically, too) to your brother as she is to the kids when they are alone.

In that case, he is probably unable to see the inappropriateness of her behavior.

Oh, this would not shock or suprise me. I really don't know why he tolerates it. Normally he gets all uppity if he feels someone is disrespecting him. I just don't get it.

It's part of being abused. The person is always after you, until your entire sense of being is warped to the point where (deep down inside) you think that you deserve it, and that everything is somehow all your fault.

[sgt.null]

SQ: not much I can add, I would limit the exposure and tell the woman off in no-uncertain-terms.

btw: I saw Superchickin concert. great group.

[SoulQuest1970]

It's part of being abused. The person is always after you, until your entire sense of being is warped to the point where (deep down inside) you think that you deserve it, and that everything is somehow all your fault.

Oh, I understand that. What I don't get is my brothers and I were all abused by the same mom. I ended up marrying an emotionally distant guy the way my dad used to be. If you notice, I'm not with him anymore. I don't deserve that and neither do my kids. My brother married someone like our mom, but even worse! What I don't get is why one person from abuse grows and becomes stronger and a better person and why another stays in abuse. It's a universal question without a real answer.

[SoulQuest1970]

SQ: not much I can add, I would limit the exposure and tell the woman off in no-uncertain-terms.

btw: I saw Superchickin concert. great group.

Superchick rocks! hehe

[Plissken]

There seem to be three options, when it comes to abuse (from the childs' point of view):

1) Learn not to do it or to accept it yourself.
2) Try to regain some sense of personal power by becoming an abuser.
3) Try to find a sense of normalcy and safety by finding someone to abuse you in the same way the adult did.

Trick is, even option #1 can lead to trouble, as "not accepting" can be taken too far, and relationships can be stunted or set up for failure in the quest to protect oneself ("They say they love me, and the people who love me like to smack me around -- I'm outta here!").

Life's literally a bitch, sometimes.

[duchess of malfi]

There seem to be three options, when it comes to abuse (from the childs' point of view):

1) Learn not to do it or to accept it yourself.
2) Try to regain some sense of personal power by becoming an abuser.
3) Try to find a sense of normalcy and safety by finding someone to abuse you in the same way the adult did.

Trick is, even option #1 can lead to trouble, as "not accepting" can be taken too far, and relationships can be stunted or set up for failure in the quest to protect oneself ("They say they love me, and the people who love me like to smack me around -- I'm outta here!").

Life's literally a bitch, sometimes.

Ah, that was so well put.