loss/regret/etc

[Fist and Faith]

SBG, my only advice for these things is to not beat yourself up for how you feel. Humans often feel things they don't understand, or don't like. Beating ourselves up over them is like beating ourselves up over having two arms instead of three. It's the way we are. Maybe we can all reflect on how we think and feel, to better understand it all. And maybe when we do, we'll find our thoughts and feelings about certain things changing. Maybe even changing for what we consider the better. But don't worry about it either way. As long as we're not trying to hurt others, we should all just feel what we feel.

[Avatar]

Totally agree with Fist. How we feel is how we feel. The only thing we can control is how we act.

I got about 3 or 4 people I still get together with regularly from school days, another few far away that I see every few years, and a few from when I lived in the UK that I correspond with regularly, and that's about it.

Perfectly capable of keeping myself occupied/amused/whatever. I could easily be a hermit.

--A

[Menolly]

*hanging head*

Other than Hyperception and Beorn, I am a hermit. I spend all my time here, and on Messenger, if I can. I correspond with no one else, except for my sister when absolutely necessary and Hyperception's folks.

Unless I'm advocating for Beorn, then Mama bear shows her claws...

...@#$!, maybe I should go back out and get a job after all...@#$!

[matrixman]

It shouldn't be necessary to have a large circle of friends in order to live a life.

[Edge]

Wow. I'm starting to feel like a bit of a freak because I have a couple of really good friends, like I said before, and I stay in close contact with my family.

Hah. Maybe it's because I'm single. I get to spend all the time I want alone (which is a lot!) while still having people I'm close to.

[aliantha]

Yeah, maybe that's it, Edge. Having kids sucks up a lot of one's time.

I'm not close to my family, either. Dad died in '84. I was sad, but we weren't hugely close. I see my mom once or twice a year and call her extremely infrequently in between. I count it as a good day when I don't have to deal with my brother.

That said, I'm quite close to the girls. I've got two old friends that I put real effort into keeping in touch with. I've got friends here at work, but I don't do stuff with them outside of work; it seems like the older you get (and the more involved with your spouse/family), the less you hang out with the folks you work with.

And yeah, I could easily be a hermit. People have been asking me about whether I'll be suffering from "empty nest syndrome", and I just laugh. My philosophy is that it's good to be self-entertaining.

[Elfgirl]

Wow. I'm starting to feel like a bit of a freak because I have a couple of really good friends, like I said before, and I stay in close contact with my family.

Hah. Maybe it's because I'm single. I get to spend all the time I want alone (which is a lot!) while still having people I'm close to.

i'm a bit like you, Edge. Single life means no accountability to anyone, freedom to come and go at will, stay up all night OR go to bed early, to clean or not to clean!

At the same time, I am also very close to my family. Both Mum & Dad are still alive and still together, and I drop by to see how they're doing every day on my way to work, have a cuppa and a chat, then go to work with my caffeine levels equalised and an update on how they are. We have a 'family dinner' night every Sunday at ma & pa's. My sis and bro, their partners and the two little monkeys (nephew and niece) plus me all get together. I have my nephew all Saturday afternoon EVERY saturday afternoon, and would not swap that time for anything! Daniel is the baby I never had. But as his aunty, I get to do all the fun stuff and leave the discipline and other 'mumsy' stuff to his parents!

I have a few old pals around the traps, but as they are all 'spoused up', it's kinda hard to catch up the way we used to when we were all single and wild! Actually, I don't miss the nights on the town much. Surprising how quickly you get over being sleazed on by creepy old men and coming home reeking of stale cigarette smoke. I also have an added bonus. The apartment complex I live in (8 units) is all owner-occupied, most by single career women. And the best bit? We all get on like a house on fire. I now consider two of the girls my closest friendsm and we have created a tradition (mainly a summer one due to weather!) of holding impromptu Friday night drinks in the carport. Our "carport parties" have become synonymous with a good gasbag, good food (one of the ladies is Burmese and an AWESOME cook!) good booze, and all within staggering distance of our homes! We expanded the circle recently to include friends of friends, and we all agree that we are SO lucky to have such an amazing rapport...as NEIGHBOURS who are friends - how many people can say that about their neighbours?

of course, I also have a vast network of 'cybermates', here and at other forums I'm a member on. I've always been a rather social animal, and expanding the interaction by being online is feeding the beast!

And my philosophy? Never regret the things you do. It's the things you DON'T do that you should regret!

[Zahir]

Actually, I've been instensely lonely for most of my life--and I'll be 48 in December. My mother was the product of a very abusive home, and her issues had a negative impact on us growing up. Among other things, my Dad and I never got close--we liked each other, enjoyed each other's company, respected each other, but we weren't close. And I still regret that. I have reason to believe he did as well.

My brother and I get along well, but he lives almost a thousand miles away. I am estranged from my sisters, and as a result from my nieces and nephews.

Right now I'd say I have three close RL friends--and that is something of a record. The most I ever had before was two, and those two for reasons of their own stopped all communication with me over a decade ago. One of my close friends--the best of them--is moving to another state as soon as she can. The other two are my dance partners, good people and a lot of fun but also so different from me we have trouble talking about things I like (neither read much at all, and one of them would never dream of reading anything as dark as Lord of the Rings much less Thomas Covenant).

Every single love affair of mine ended badly. The first one was my fault. The last was simply a tragedy. My beautiful Colleen died suddenly, and even now--almost two years later--I am still taking anti-depressants in order to cope. There are times I want to scream.

I don't want to be a hermit. But somehow that has come to be my lifestyle in some ways. Such has become a dull ache rather than the screaming wound it once was. Thank God for the Internet, because frankly most of my closest friends I met via the WWW.

Including Colleen.

[Spiral Jacobs]

If there's one thing I learned in my life it's that regret is useless. I used to terribly regret not visiting my stepfather more often, when he was in a care facility (he was in a wheelchair with Multiple Sclerosis). I've now come to terms with the fact that there's no going back anyway. If I did something that was wrong, bad, or doesn't feel good...well, too late. I can say sorry to someone, but in the end life goes on. My life.

That said, I have just a few real friends, enough semi-friends/acquintances, one fantastic woman (and since a few weeks an awesome son), but hardly any family. My father died before I was born, my sister died at the age of 6 (when I was very small), my mother died when I was 18, my stepfather a few years later in the same year as my only grandmother. Two years ago my great-aunt I took care of died at 91. The closest family I have is my half-brother, with whom I'm not extremely close but we're improving, lately. Feels great.

Anyway, I've come to the realisation that 'regret' is often based on what you think that other people expect you to behave like. For example: you can regret that you've never made that fantastic trip around the world you always dreamed of, or never gave up your dull life and travelled to some exotic place with just the clothes on your back. But that's just what you've been trained to want, the stuff that everyone always looks up to. Are you happy with your life? If yes, why worry. If no, do something about it.

And if you haven't been in contact with someone enough, well, then that's the way it is/was between you. And if you want it differently, don't sit there and regret, try and change it. If you're happy with it, fine. Your life.

[Loredoctor]

Actually, I've been instensely lonely for most of my life--and I'll be 48 in December. My mother was the product of a very abusive home, and her issues had a negative impact on us growing up. Among other things, my Dad and I never got close--we liked each other, enjoyed each other's company, respected each other, but we weren't close. And I still regret that. I have reason to believe he did as well.

My brother and I get along well, but he lives almost a thousand miles away. I am estranged from my sisters, and as a result from my nieces and nephews.

Right now I'd say I have three close RL friends--and that is something of a record. The most I ever had before was two, and those two for reasons of their own stopped all communication with me over a decade ago. One of my close friends--the best of them--is moving to another state as soon as she can. The other two are my dance partners, good people and a lot of fun but also so different from me we have trouble talking about things I like (neither read much at all, and one of them would never dream of reading anything as dark as Lord of the Rings much less Thomas Covenant).

Every single love affair of mine ended badly. The first one was my fault. The last was simply a tragedy. My beautiful Colleen died suddenly, and even now--almost two years later--I am still taking anti-depressants in order to cope. There are times I want to scream.

I don't want to be a hermit. But somehow that has come to be my lifestyle in some ways. Such has become a dull ache rather than the screaming wound it once was. Thank God for the Internet, because frankly most of my closest friends I met via the WWW.

Including Colleen.

I wish there was something I could say. Since yesterday I've been trying to post a response other than, "I am saddened to hear of your pain and loss." But I guess that's never enough. I guess being a hermit never helps - I am one now as I haven't socialised with anyone since last year - and it does give time to heal, but I honestly think that perhaps the best thing is to mingle. The ache might go.

I hope my advice is adequate and not offensive.

[Prebe]

Thank you, Loremaster, for wording a response to Zahirs touching post. Reading it affected me very much. All the more so, because I have always thought that Zahir's posts were both reasoned and at times empathic.

My thoughts are out to you Zahir. One of my good friends lost a love of his life too. This was at the age of 34. A woman that he had been traveling accross the globe for.

Now he's 41 and married again. We were at his (and his wife and kid's) place two months ago, and he seemed genuinely happy. And he is not a guy who has ever pretended anything.

[Zahir]

Thank you.

Honestly, I'd given up on love when Colleen came into my life. Khaerla, the woman with whom I was involved before her, was my first relationship in nearly a decade. It ended very suddenly, with little or no warning. I've come to realize she was simply the kind of Aquarius who views relationships as a chore. She eventually said she broke up with me because of a fear I was going to propose. About two years later she got married. Forgive a certain amount of bitterness. But then--Colleen.

I'd like to think maybe my life won't be alone. And in truth I have hope that some of my current friendships will last, at least the ones online that aren't really impeded by distance. But love? I find that is something I don't really believe. Not a matter of reason, but feelings.

But they mean a great deal, your words of comfort. Who was it who said that our fellow human beings are all the taste we get of Heaven, and all we need of Hell? Well, you're rather Seraphim-like in my eyes right this second.

[Prebe]

Well, you're rather Seraphim-like in my eyes right this second.

Thank you very much Zahir. Though I'm sure that my only lasting angelic trait is cronical chubbyness

[Ki]

Actually, I've been instensely lonely for most of my life--and I'll be 48 in December. My mother was the product of a very abusive home, and her issues had a negative impact on us growing up. Among other things, my Dad and I never got close--we liked each other, enjoyed each other's company, respected each other, but we weren't close. And I still regret that. I have reason to believe he did as well.

My brother and I get along well, but he lives almost a thousand miles away. I am estranged from my sisters, and as a result from my nieces and nephews.

Right now I'd say I have three close RL friends--and that is something of a record. The most I ever had before was two, and those two for reasons of their own stopped all communication with me over a decade ago. One of my close friends--the best of them--is moving to another state as soon as she can. The other two are my dance partners, good people and a lot of fun but also so different from me we have trouble talking about things I like (neither read much at all, and one of them would never dream of reading anything as dark as Lord of the Rings much less Thomas Covenant).

Every single love affair of mine ended badly. The first one was my fault. The last was simply a tragedy. My beautiful Colleen died suddenly, and even now--almost two years later--I am still taking anti-depressants in order to cope. There are times I want to scream.

I don't want to be a hermit. But somehow that has come to be my lifestyle in some ways. Such has become a dull ache rather than the screaming wound it once was. Thank God for the Internet, because frankly most of my closest friends I met via the WWW.

Including Colleen.

i'm so sorry for your pain and loss. it takes courage to be so open about what has happened in your life. grief is a funny thing...i wrote about this in my journal last night. at least for me, sometimes i think that the pain of loss is gone and then out of the blue it hits. take your time and let yourself heal. there is nothing wrong with that. i hope i didn't say anything wrong, but i wanted to say something.