Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

[duchess of malfi]

That is such good news!

[ShadowLurker]

Thank you everyone for all your kindness and well wishes. I am happy to out of the hospital and back "home" here with Tracie and my new family. I now realize, after this experience, that I can not do this by myself. I am not as brave as Stephen was. I'm not sure how I will handle what is ahead for me. But, with Tracie's support and love, and all my new friends here on Kevin's Watch, I feel I have a better chance of getting through this.

You are a wonderful group of people, and I feel such gratitude to all of you for embracing me as you have.

Hugs to you all.

-Isaiah

[birdandbear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Shadow)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!

[duchess of malfi]

Shadow said:

I now realize, after this experience, that I can not do this by myself. I am not as brave as Stephen was.

You no longer have to face this by yourself. And I don't think very many people are as brave as Stephen. BUT that doesn't mean that you are not as strong in your own way. And I think you are very brave indeed to open your heart in the way you have for Furls and her family. Sometimes, if life has knocked you around, finding the courage to open your heart and give and receive love can be the most difficult thing in the world.

[Furls Fire]

well said, duchy

[ShadowLurker]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Shadow)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!!

Thank you so much, BirdandBear. And lots of hugs to you as well.

You no longer have to face this by yourself. And I don't think very many people are as brave as Stephen. BUT that doesn't mean that you are not as strong in your own way. And I think you are very brave indeed to open your heart in the way you have for Furls and her family. Sometimes, if life has knocked you around, finding the courage to open your heart and give and receive love can be the most difficult thing in the world.

You have no idea how right you are when you say this about me. All my life I have been so afraid of rejection and abandonment, that I never allowed myself to open my heart to anyone. Oh, I thought I had, on a few occasions, but I really didn't. People came and went, and I let them. I never knew what love was until I met Tracie. I went through the motions of loving people, but never actually loved anyone, and I was never loved by anyone either.

I am overwhelmed by Tracie's complete selflessness, she literally puts herself second to everyone around her...her family, friends, clients, me...it's incredible. The way she took charge of me and my care, no hesitation, no second thoughts. When I got sick, she was like a whirling dervish, knew exactly what to do, how to do it, how to take care of it. You all should have seen her talk to the doctor, she literally knows everything about this disease, and the doctor actually listened to her, like she was some great physician herself. Even in the delirium of my pain, she astounded me with her knowledge. Of course, this all comes from living along side Stephen's battle with AIDS. She is like no one I have ever known, and will ever know again. If anyone is a saint, Tracie is...I wish I were only a tenth of the person she is. We, all of us here, are very fortunate to have this beautiful person in our lives. God truly has sent us all a great gift.

And now, I better stop, because she is threatening to unplug the computer on me. You should see how she is blushing now, Fist and Faith.

[Fist and Faith]

I am not as brave as Stephen was.

Stephen's courage did not form in a vacuum. You did not have the unconditional love and support that he had from his first breath to his last. Now that you do have it - from the same source, in fact - your courage will grow beyond anything you had ever imagined. I'm sure you've noticed it already. As I recently posted at the Hangar, from the First Letter of John 4:18

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

And now, I better stop, because she is threatening to unplug the computer on me. You should see how she is blushing now, Fist and Faith.

Music to my ears, my friend!!!

[Furls Fire]

oh stoppppppp you two!

[Stephen C]

January 12, 1997 11:34 pm

Is it any wonder that he should come to me on this day?

I laughed today as I walked forward along the sidewalk, I felt suddenly like my old friend and favorite literary character Thomas Covenant. My disease is visible on me now, I’m marked by KS, I should have it tattooed on my forehead. Right across one of the lesions, “beware, KS outcast unclean”. Now THAT would be laughable.

Anyway, I was walking down the sidewalk, noticing the abhorrence on the faces of my fellow humans as they watched me go by them, one woman, actually snatching her child from my path, and I thought of the opening page of “Lord Foul’s Bane”. Oh, how I laughed. The fear on her face so comical, wide eyed, terrified. I laughed and said. “You realize that what you are afraid of does not exist. I can no more give you or your sweet little one my affliction then I could bring down the sky.” She just walked away, pretending not to hear me, yet, I know she heard. I watched her go, tugging on the little one’s arm as he struggled to keep up. I stopped laughing then. Suddenly morose, suddenly feeling leprous. With all there is known, there are still those who know nothing. They don’t want to know. It is easier to fear it, easier to brush it all aside and hurry past it when it meets them head on. Ah, what a luxury that would be. To just hurry on and not give it a second thought. Oh, but such luxuries are not meant for me. I am meant for other purposes, other requirements, other demands. All I accept willingly as I move forward, on and on. I will go laughing.

I stood there musing about this when I saw him materialize out of the crowd like a prophet of doom. Nathan James. How long had it been? 3 months? 4? He was unrecognizable, skeletal, pale, covered with sores. “Ah, Father, You do know exactly when to kick me out of my self pity, don’t You?” He saw me and stopped. A small smile crossed his cracked lips.

“So, there you are.” He said to me. “Taken to wandering the streets too, I see.”

I smiled at him. “How have you been, Nathan?”

“How do I look?” He asked in a humorous tone that I’d never heard from him before.

“Not good.”

Now, HE laughed. “Ah, Steve, you are nothing if not honest. Can we talk somewhere? Off the street?”

“My apartment is just around the corner, we can go there.” I paused and looked at him closely. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

He nodded, still smiling. “I know a lot about you, Steve.”

He wandered about my apartment, looking at everything, for a long time. I made coffee, offered him food, which he refused, but accepted a cup of coffee when it was done. “I would still like you to come stay with me, Nathan. I could help you get meds and anything else you need.”

“What? And prolong this agony? No thanks, Steve. I want this ended. The sooner, the better. You’ll understand that later, when it all becomes unbearable. You won’t want to prolong it either. The booze dulls the pain of it, at least for now it does, and when it doesn’t, I head over to Mission and they pump me up with painkillers and antibiotics and AZT, change out my blood. That’s when my best sleep comes, except when you haunt it. Do you know what my last dream about you was?”

“Of course I don’t, Nathan. Tell me.”

He took a sip of coffee and stared at me, all humor gone. “I dreamt you were holding my little girls, and you wouldn’t give them to me. Held them back as you said, ‘your self hate is contagious, I won’t let you infect them.’ Then it wasn’t you at all, but myself. I was keeping them from myself.” He paused, sipped, looked away from me. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what that dream was trying to tell me. But, why you? Why was it you at first?”

“That too is obvious. God insists you heed what I said. You must let go of your guilt, your ‘self hate’. You must forgive yourself and stop trying to damn yourself. You aren’t going to Hell, Nathan, stop trying to force God to send you there.”

He chuckled then, his earlier humor returning, he shook his head and rubbed at his bony face. “Forgive myself. Could you, Steve? Could you forgive yourself, if it was you who was drunk, you who slammed into that tree, you who killed your family? Could you? You talk so pretty, and you are so honest, and you are so god-damned godly. I want to know, could you forgive yourself these sins?”

And I had to answer honestly, “No.”

“I didn’t think so, so don’t preach to me about forgiving myself, some things, are just flat out unforgivable.” He was all of sudden very angry.

“God has forgiven, your family has forgiven. Stop trying to push your way into Hell. No one wants that. If you can’t forgive yourself, at least accept yourself, and accept God’s forgiveness.”

Then, he did something that surprised me more than it hurt. He back-handed me across the face. He then stood, threw the coffee cup against a far wall and went to the door. “I’m done with you, McKinney. Tell that God of yours I’m through fighting.”

“He’s your God too, tell Him yourself.” I said, watching him passively. If he wished to tear my place apart, if he wished to beat me senseless, if that is what it would take to help him see, so be it.

He laughed then, his instant ire instantly vanishing. “You’re the one He talks too.” He stood at the door, looking at me, the humor draining from his face, replaced with remorse, shame. “I’m sorry I hit you. You don’t deserve that, you deserve…” He paused, looking down at that floor. “You deserve to not have this disease, if anyone deserves to be free of it, it’s you. You, of all people, deserve Heaven.”

“You deserve Heaven too, Nathan. You do.”

“No.” he said simply. “I’ll not see you again, Steve. This is goodbye. And…” Another long pause, he chewed on his cracked bottom lip. “I thank God for leading me to you.” Then he was gone.

Goodbye Nathan James. Ah, dear sweet Jesus Lord, help me understand, what good did I do this man? He is still so lost, still so full of self hate. Did I do Your bidding? Or did I waste my chances with him? Should I have run after him and forced him to stay with me? Ah, no, Steve, no, you can not force your belief on another. They must choose that for themselves. I wish I could laugh at this. I wish I could laugh like Nathan. Help me, Father. I feel I have failed You! What more can I do? Please tell me, I do not want it to end this way. Is there nothing more I can do for him? My wisdom, whatever wisdom there was, is spent, Father. I do not know what else to do.

Ah, McKinney, stop. You are inconsequential. You can no more save the world then you can stop yourself from dying. No, not dying, not dying, I am not going to die. I will pass on, and I will pass on laughing. If not laughing, then smiling. And Nathan James, ah dear Nathan, I can only now wish you a peaceful passing. A rest for your soul which has been so tormented by this life. Peace to you in the next. May you find your way to Heaven and into the Father’s Arms, and into the embrace of your long ago passed family. They all wait to greet you, Nathan, and they forgive you. I KNOW this, Nathan, I KNOW it.

Is it any wonder, and wonder at all, that he came to me on this day?

[ShadowLurker]

I laughed today as I walked forward along the sidewalk, I felt suddenly like my old friend and favorite literary character Thomas Covenant. My disease is visible on me now, I’m marked by KS, I should have it tattooed on my forehead. Right across one of the lesions, “beware, KS outcast unclean”. Now THAT would be laughable.

This made me laugh out loud.

Anyway, I was walking down the sidewalk, noticing the abhorrence on the faces of my fellow humans as they watched me go by them, one woman, actually snatching her child from my path, and I thought of the opening page of “Lord Foul’s Bane”. Oh, how I laughed. The fear on her face so comical, wide eyed, terrified. I laughed and said. “You realize that what you are afraid of does not exist. I can no more give you or your sweet little one my affliction then I could bring down the sky.” She just walked away, pretending not to hear me, yet, I know she heard. I watched her go, tugging on the little one’s arm as he struggled to keep up. I stopped laughing then. Suddenly morose, suddenly feeling leprous. With all there is known, there are still those who know nothing. They don’t want to know. It is easier to fear it, easier to brush it all aside and hurry past it when it meets them head on. Ah, what a luxury that would be. To just hurry on and not give it a second thought. Oh, but such luxuries are not meant for me. I am meant for other purposes, other requirements, other demands. All I accept willingly as I move forward, on and on. I will go laughing.

There he goes again. His ability to just set down his thoughts to paper will never cease to astound me.

I stood there musing about this when I saw him materialize out of the crowd like a prophet of doom. Nathan James.

Nathan James, indeed. As I read this encounter with Nathan I sensed a difference in Stephen's attitude. In fact, this whole entry seemed to show a more strained side of him, like he was worn out and tense.

He chuckled then, his earlier humor returning, he shook his head and rubbed at his bony face. “Forgive myself. Could you, Steve? Could you forgive yourself, if it was you who was drunk, you who slammed into that tree, you who killed your family? Could you? You talk so pretty, and you are so honest, and you are so god-damned godly. I want to know, could you forgive yourself these sins?”

And I had to answer honestly, “No.”

“I didn’t think so, so don’t preach to me about forgiving myself, some things, are just flat out unforgivable.” He was all of sudden very angry.

“God has forgiven, your family has forgiven. Stop trying to push your way into Hell. No one wants that. If you can’t forgive yourself, at least accept yourself, and accept God’s forgiveness.”

Then, he did something that surprised me more than it hurt. He back-handed me across the face. He then stood, threw the coffee cup against a far wall and went to the door. “I’m done with you, McKinney. Tell that God of yours I’m through fighting.”

“He’s your God too, tell Him yourself.” I said, watching him passively. If he wished to tear my place apart, if he wished to beat me senseless, if that is what it would take to help him see, so be it.

I don't know about the rest of you, but this upset me a great deal. The audacity of this man, speaking to Stephen so, and then striking him!! Maybe it is irrational on my part, but when I first read this, a red flare of anger shot all through me. Tracie even said my face turned red. And then, Stephen's reaction, his passivity, willing to take more if needs be. That angered me too, I understood why he felt it necessary, why he would allow such things, but if I had been there..I would have flattened Nathan James. No one hits Stephen!

He is/was by far a better man than me, that is the honest to God truth.

[Fist and Faith]

This made me laugh out loud.

I can just see Stephen's face as he tries to use Covenant's expressions.

There he goes again. His ability to just set down his thoughts to paper will never cease to astound me.

I usually just give a little laugh of helpless envy, and move on.

As I read this encounter with Nathan I sensed a difference in Stephen's attitude. In fact, this whole entry seemed to show a more strained side of him, like he was worn out and tense.

I had the same feeling. Especially when he said, "Did I do Your bidding? Or did I waste my chances with him?" Stephen, Stephen, Stephen... Not as down on yourself as Nathan, by a long shot, but you still need your own lessons from time to time.

I don't know about the rest of you, but this upset me a great deal. The audacity of this man, speaking to Stephen so, and then striking him!! Maybe it is irrational on my part, but when I first read this, a red flare of anger shot all through me. Tracie even said my face turned red. And then, Stephen's reaction, his passivity, willing to take more if needs be. That angered me too, I understood why he felt it necessary, why he would allow such things, but if I had been there..I would have flattened Nathan James. No one hits Stephen!

I wouldn't have been surprised if Stephen laughed. "What? You think a slap in the face is going to hurt me??? I've got a few things on my mind that are just a tiiiny bit more important than that." But yes, even though it was inconsequential to him, I'm not all that happy about it either!

He is/was by far a better man than me, that is the honest to God truth.

No, Isaiah, he was just better at certain things than you. Than most.

[Worm of Despite]

I've been silently reading all this stuff, enjoying every bit of it and in awe, a bit. I really wish I could have known Stephen, especially as he enjoyed Thomas Covenant. It sounds like to me Stephen identified with Covenant, and I had a similar identification, though not from a disease. Again, I wish I'd known him and got to meet him. I'm sure he would've registered here and made his own wonderful threads and posts and new stories. He's a great soul.

[Furls Fire]

You are welcome to post here any time LF

I am often surprised to find out how many people actually read this thread, as so few post. I am happy my brother's words and spirit are still inspiring and helping people. And you are so right, Stephen would have loved the Watch and he would have become a member. He loved many writers and many books, but TCTC were his favorite because of Covenant. We would spend hours talking about it and debating it and laughing about it. Ah, those were the days.

"Tracie, can I read your Covenant books?"

"Of course, then we can talk about them."

"Will I cry like you did?"

"Definitely, Stevie. You will cry, and you will laugh, and you will rave, and you will fall in love with them...."

And so it began, I was 18, Stephen was 12. And so much wiser than his years, even back then. He drank in the books, read all three in less than a week.

"I think Thomas Covenant should have stayed in the Land. But I understand why he didn't, he wouldn't have been able to stand it. All that hero worship. Even though he beat Foul, he still didn't think he matched Berek..."--Stephen, 12 yrs old

God, I miss him.

[Fist and Faith]

God, I miss him.

[duchess of malfi]

Shadow said:

I don't know about the rest of you, but this upset me a great deal. The audacity of this man, speaking to Stephen so, and then striking him!! Maybe it is irrational on my part, but when I first read this, a red flare of anger shot all through me. Tracie even said my face turned red. And then, Stephen's reaction, his passivity, willing to take more if needs be. That angered me too, I understood why he felt it necessary, why he would allow such things, but if I had been there..I would have flattened Nathan James. No one hits Stephen

I, too, was livid when I read that...

Shadow said:

He is/was by far a better man than me, that is the honest to God truth.

We are ALL of us precious and unique miracles...don't be so hard on yourself.

Stephen is an admirable person in all ways -- but I see a lot to admire in you as well, Shadow. I have already said how brave I think you are...and you are obviously very bright and very sensitive as well. I am glad you are here with us at the Watch, and I hope you will be able come to New Mexico with Furls so you can collect all of your hugs in person. Also, we hope to have Furls lead a group prayer on Sunday morning when we travel to the mountains together, and read some of Stephen's words, so that he will know we all love him and that we think of him often, and that we wish he could also be there physically with us on that day. I think he will be there in spirit...

[Furls Fire]

Huggles backatcha Fist

And Isaiah, do I have to publicly say what I said to you in person??? Do I??

He is/was by far a better man than me, that is the honest to God truth.

That is nonsense...

If you won't listen to me, listen to duchy and Fist. And if you don't listen to them, I'll lay it all out here on this thread. I don't think you want that...do you??? (blackmail is a wonderful thing..mwaaa ha ha ha ha )

Okay, done scolding

Another comment. When Stephen told me about Nathan hitting him, I too, was livid. And he said to me. "Aww, it smarted and I have a little mark on my cheek, but I knew it was necessary, who else did he have to strike against? In his eyes, I was the voice of God, he couldn't hit God, could he? And he did apologize, I could see the remorse on his face. It was nothing, Tracie, nothing at all to me. I'm man enough to let such things be." There you have it.

Also, this was the last time Stephen saw Nathan. He went looking for him a few times, and months later found someone who had known him. This person told him Nathan had died. It saddens me, because we were sure he died alone.

[birdandbear]

Furls Wrote:

I am often surprised to find out how many people actually read this thread, as so few post.

Well, if they're like me, they just can't find an adequate response to the beauty and wisdom that pours out of this thread....

I read every post in here....it's the first place I go when I come online. I have laughed, and wept, and been awed and humbled....many times all while reading a single post. Furls, this thread is indeed a gift to everyone who comes here. I can't see how anyone could read these words and not come away profoundly moved. It's just that, when I am most deeply touched, it's often most difficult for me to find the words to express my gratitude, my compassion, my desire to hug you, and Steve, and Shadow....

There is no emoticon for this thread, unless there's one of an angel in blazing glory.

Shadow - You are braver than I could ever hope to be. Just to have the strength to let someone else love you, and to open yourself to love in return, after a lifetime of rejection is more than many people are capable of. Covenant himself was barely able to do so, and never really accepted it fully - and he had only been outcast for a year or so. And to be able to regain such grace of spirit while staring your owm mortality in the face....you are beyond me. Like Furls and Steve, you are beyond words.

The grace in this thread is unbelievable.

The best I can do is to say that, when reading the incredible story that unfolds here every day, I am posessed by a desire to stand with shoulders straight, and my fist over my heart, and salute you all with a fierce pride in a beauty I had no hand in....

I am so very proud of my friends.

But the best I can usually do is just to stare, speechless and thrumming at the depthless computer screen, while my eyes leak at the corners....

[Fist and Faith]

Huggles backatcha Fist

And Isaiah, do I have to publicly say what I said to you in person??? Do I??

He is/was by far a better man than me, that is the honest to God truth.

That is nonsense...

If you won't listen to me, listen to duchy and Fist. And if you don't listen to them, I'll lay it all out here on this thread. I don't think you want that...do you??? (blackmail is a wonderful thing..mwaaa ha ha ha ha )

Tell! Tell!

[Furls Fire]

Furls Wrote:

I am often surprised to find out how many people actually read this thread, as so few post.

Well, if they're like me, they just can't find an adequate response to the beauty and wisdom that pours out of this thread....

I read every post in here....it's the first place I go when I come online. I have laughed, and wept, and been awed and humbled....many times all while reading a single post. Furls, this thread is indeed a gift to everyone who comes here. I can't see how anyone could read these words and not come away profoundly moved. It's just that, when I am most deeply touched, it's often most difficult for me to find the words to express my gratitude, my compassion, my desire to hug you, and Steve, and Shadow....

There is no emoticon for this thread, unless there's one of an angel in blazing glory.

Shadow - You are braver than I could ever hope to be. Just to have the strength to let someone else love you, and to open yourself to love in return, after a lifetime of rejection is more than many people are capable of. Covenant himself was barely able to do so, and never really accepted it fully - and he had only been outcast for a year or so. And to be able to regain such grace of spirit while staring your owm mortality in the face....you are beyond me. Like Furls and Steve, you are beyond words.

The grace in this thread is unbelievable.

The best I can do is to say that, when reading the incredible story that unfolds here every day, I am posessed by a desire to stand with shoulders straight, and my fist over my heart, and salute you all with a fierce pride in a beauty I had no hand in....

I am so very proud of my friends.

But the best I can usually do is just to stare, speechless and thrumming at the depthless computer screen, while my eyes leak at the corners....

huggles birdie

It makes me very happy that what I did here has touch so many people. And I understand how it would be hard to post after reading some of Stephen's entries, he rendered us all speechless when he was with us, so it doesn't surprise me that he does it here as well. I just meant that I never realized how many here on the Watch actually came here. I'm thrilled that alot of my Watch family comes here and finds within this little thread the peace they desire, or the insight they seek, or the grace their soul is yearning for.

As for our dear Isaiah, I couldn't agree with your words more, and I'm going to have him read them. He doesn't see himself as brave at all, he sees himself as a burden and coward. I think I will need all the help I can get from all you wonderful people to get him to see how wrong he is about that.

Tell! Tell!

If he doesn't shape up, I will do just that!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[ShadowLurker]

Thank you for all the your kind words everyone. You all overwhelm me. I have little experience with such kindness and caring.

A bit of advice, never, ever ever, get Tracie upset with you. She scolded me for over an hour just for typing that one harmless little line.