Kevin's Watch

Don't know if this is technically a joke-but billed as a newsflash on a few folks facebook status:

TRAGIC NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

I LOVE it!

Dill Dough

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was plagued by local kids who would sneak into his patch at night and steal watermelons.

After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The sign says, “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been poisoned.”

The farmer goes to inspect his field the next morning and finds a new sign that says, “Warning, now two of the watermelons in this field have been poisoned.”

A chicken walks into a casino and bumps into James Bond .

"The name's Bond, James Bond"

"I'm Ken, ....."

Bar Jokes:-

.....A dyslexic walks into a bra.......

(re the recent reported breaking of the speed of light by neutrino's at the CERN particle accelerator)

"I'm sorry" says the barman, "We don't serve neutrino's in here."
A neutrino walks into a bar.


Well you gotta' laugh ain'cha!

I like the second one a lot, peter.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant.

Ha Ha Ha Nathan - I like your style!

Reminds me of the guy who tried to commit suicide in a bowl of curry. They found him in a korma

Seeing as it's it's halloween..

what do you get a zombie for christmas?

Eau de K

Neutrino.

Who's there?

*Knock. Knock.*

Whats black and brown and looks good on a republican - A doberman.

(and for a little balance)

What do you call twenty democrats chained together at the bottom of the sea - a good start.

My wife said she wanted to go on holiday somewhere she'd never been before; I said "Try the Kitchen".
She went for a mud pack; she looked good for two days and then the mud fell off.
We went for a meal; I ordered the meal in french, shame it was a chinese restaurant. I said "This chickens cold." The waiter said "So would you be if you'd been dead two weeks." I said "Look at it - It's got one leg shorter than the other." He said "What dou you want to do - eat it or dance with it."

Did you guys hear about the explosion down at the lemonade factory? Several hundred people were caught in the resulting wave of liquid and schwepped away!

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Now this is getting silly!

danlo wrote:Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

I like that one.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way and the second to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Stonemaybe wrote:How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way and the second to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Am embarrassed to do this, but...

Lightbulb jokes for my industry (film & telly):

How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't be done.

How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Hey, that's not my light globe!

How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, what do you think?

danlo wrote:Don't know if this is technically a joke-but billed as a newsflash on a few folks facebook status:

TRAGIC NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

I LOVE it!

I'm just now seeing this. Hilarious!
But I'm sure he'll rise again.

Perilously close to LZ's notorious recipie for the best cooking of children don't you think ?

(See 'Cannibal Recipie' a few pages back in this forum for (gory) details.)

Taxi driver in Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Not a joke, but hilarious!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnBtqCaZ1pY