Kevin's Watch

An Englishman travels to New York for work for the first time, and when he is there he asks if someone would go to a Yankees game with him, as he's a big cricket fan and always wondered what it's like to be at a baseball game. A work colleague gets tickets and takes him to a game.

The first batter is up and on his second ball hits one out of the park "Oh well done old chap, good show!" says the Englishman.

Second batter is up and hits one to leftfield and manages to make it to first base, and the Englishman applauds politely.

Third batter is up who is less of slugger and plays his pitches thoughtfully. First ball is too low, second ball is too high, and the third ball is too wide - he doesn't swing at any of them.

The Englishman doesn't have a good knowledge of the rules, so he's on the edge of his seat not knowing what is going to happen next.

The pitcher throws another low one so the batter drops his bat and starts walking to first base. The Englishman has no clue what is going on, and seeing the batter walking he jumps to his feet and shouts "Run! Run! You can make it to first base!"

The work colleague takes him by the shoulder and sits him down to explain: "You don't understand - he's got four balls".

"Oh" says the Englishman, "No wonder he's walking then."

peter wrote: Well you could read that on the back of a cornflakes packet.

Do I have to start telling leper jokes, then?

Orlion wrote:Immanuel Kant

No Orlion, you've got me on that one. Guess none of my friends knew who Emanuelle Kant was .

But leading on from Michaelm above,

A man goes to the doctor, he says "Doctor I've got five penises", the doctor says, "Five Penises! How do your trousers fit you?", he says, "Like a glove!"


Edit; No, wait - I can do this.

Emanuelle Kant gets a job on a building site and he's put to work on the roof of a skyscraper twenty floors above ground. A few hours into his shift his workmate says "hey - I'm busting for a piss; where do we go?" Kant scratches his head and says, "I know - I'll put this plank out over the edge and stand on the end. You walk out on it and piss down into the road."
"Ok " says his mate and off he goes along the plank. Now, as luck would have it Kant was a bit of a dreamer and immediately forgot that he was supposed to stand on the plank untill his mate returned. Without a second thought he walked off, head in the clouds and of course the inevitable happened.
Later that day the police were trying to establish why this guy had hit the pavement and were talking to some of the office workers on the floors below the roof. One of the workers nodded her head sagely and said "Take it from me - he was a sex maniac." "Sex maniac?" said the policeman, "How do you work that out?" "Well I don't know", said the girl, "But one minute I was working at my desk by the window and the next there's a guy flying past with his cock in his hand screaming Kaaaant!"

vraith wrote:I can see a quick-witted Divinity man whipping that out while debating the man himself back in the day. oooohhhh...how 'bout a "fight night" with that, followed by Chesterton/Shaw debate. [Descartes was invited, but he RSVP'd "I think not," and has disappeared]

I can't.
It's less funny when both people are perfectly aware of whatever "Kant" means in his native language.

Naw, many of the warm-hearted sort of quick-witted Divinity men preferred to direct their jibes primarily against arrogance among those who claim to be among the faithful.

C.H. Spurgeon was a Divinity man of great comebacks, though the following story did not require an immediate response.
(And may be apocryphal. Sigh. Who knows?)

When at a conference listening to man saying he had attained sinless perfection, the next morning Spurgeon is said to have poured a jug of milk over his head.
And watched his sinless perfection evaporate before his (and everyone else’s) eyes.

I -just- read that off a very interesting (to me) blog... could not resist posting it here!


Edit: correcting silly typo, then trying to get good wording.

A hooker goes up to a bloke and says "Would you like to sleep with me for 100 pounds." He says "Well I'm not tired but I could do with the money."
She says "It's a special offer - I'll do anything you want for a fiver as long as you say it in three words." He says "Paint my house."

--A

Interesting point re jokes (and obvious when you think about it really) - they, like poetry, often get lost in translation. So much of their impact is language based .... Ie using the words in a pithy way to 'milk the turn' for all it is worth, that it cannot stand the alteration of phraseology that translation necessarily imposes. Try for example to alter the punchline from above "Well I'm not tired, but I could do with the money" to a different wording and retain the jokes effect.

I always think of Asimov's short story, uh, Jokester I think it was called. When in trying to program a computer to tell jokes, they discover humour is some weird alien experiment, and as soon as they figure it out, it's lost forever.

--A

Eighty year old man in a bar talking to his mate, tells him that next week he's getting married to the buxom twenty-one year-old serving behind the bar. His mate looks at the girl doubtfully and says "Gosh, are you sure that's wise - have you thought about strokes and heart attacks and things." The old man replies "Ahh - if she dies she dies!"

Reminds me of the guy sitting on a park bench with tears in his eyes. A passer-by stops and asks him if he's alright, and he explains he's just buried his 3rd wife.

Exclaiming in sympathy, the stranger asks what happened.

"Well," he says, "after a couple of years of marriage, my first wife died from eating poison mushrooms."

"That's terrible," says the stranger. "What happened to your second wife?"

"In a bizarre coincidence," he replies, "she also died from eating poison mushrooms."

"How terrible for you," the man says. "Don't tell me that's how your third wife died as well?"

"No," says the man, "she died of a massive head trauma."

"Oh how awful...how did that happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."

--A

Not (I have to admit Av) the first time I have heard that joke . A case of what goes around comes around!

Hahaha, well, fair's fair...I'd heard yours before too, but was too gracious to mention it.

--A

Fair game Av..... but have you heard the adult version: that is the scaled down 'Watch appropriate' variation of a much cruder telling

I don't think the one I knew was too crude, but it was certainly less appropriate than your version.

--A

In the interests of retaining a shred of decorum I'll resist the urge to exhibit my advanced knowledge of the coarse underbelly of the 'blue' end of the market - alas this means that the best 75% of my material can never grace these pages but C'est la vie!

--A

A man comes home and finds three policemen in bed with his wife. " 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!" he says and the woman says "What's the matter - aren't you talking to me then?"