Kevin's Watch

I am at a loss for words here. I have never before been "missed", or loved, or supported, or cared about as I am now here on Kevin's Watch. To all of you, my sincere and humble gratitude. I have no adequate way to express the feelings I am experiencing at this moment.

Thank you all for your prayers, your hugs, your well-wishes, and thank you most of all for your love.

"My cup runneth over"

--Isaiah

Isaiah..

Hey! I love u too-dammit!

oh geez

*sighs*

danlo..

No I was talking to Shadow missy! (but I do love u 2... )

Glad to see you back on the Watch, ShadowLurker.

Now, dAN, any update on your brother?

DukkhaWaynhim
[Weird, warped, and waving at You!]

Shadow.......Thank God!!

Welcome back!

hugs to everyone

I'm slowly coming back, long process. I'm feeling better every day though. Being out of the hospital and back in this house of love has helped that along. There is no where I would rather be, than right here.

oh, and danlo, Tracie sends you this Mind now, that is from her and not me.

She's allowing me to pick the next entry to post. I find it very hard, because they are all so beautiful. But I will make a choice soon, I promise.

good news Shadow .. that you are home and doing better

my love & prayers are with you and any one else here in need of love & prayers!

its good to have you back

take it easy .. and be good to you

More good news; my brother's tissue mass was benign. Of course, his insurance only allowed the doctors to remove one of them, so he'll have to go under again to get the other one removed. Also, they still are trying to find out why they grew in the first place, but at least he doesn't have cancer.

Awesome Dan!! That is fantastic news!! Big huggles to you both.

Yes, great news! Hope the remaining doctor's visits are filled with the same good news!

DW

Dang! Very cool dAN--don't u just hate insurance co.s? ( back at u Tracie! )

Yeah, I do; but I'm sure crazy insurance is still better than no insurance. Thanks for all the prayers, guys. Furls, I'm glad to see your husband is back home.

Shadow isn't Furl's hubby...

dANdeLION wrote:Yeah, I do; but I'm sure crazy insurance is still better than no insurance. Thanks for all the prayers, guys. Furls, I'm glad to see your husband is back home.

LOL Dan, Shadow isn't my husband. He's a very dear friend that we have taken into our hearts and home. Close tho, he's become part of our family.

May 24, 1995 6:03 am

Hours ago, I had an encounter that leaves me feeling weak, and ill, and…

Raped.

I bolted awake in a sweat, cold and clammy, my body numb, my hands shaking and I knew. Yes. I knew. The evil one was here. I felt him hovering by my ear, I heard his harsh voice rasp, I smelled his putrid breath. He was here, seeking my soul, seeking my surrender, seeking to feed on my pain. The evil one, whose presence engulfed my apartment in a noxious malice. I felt myself being poisoned, gagging, choking on his iniquity. He scorched my ear with words I did not understand. Muttering evil as though it were truth. My heart blackened, my soul wailed, my body began to burn with fever.

“Get out, Lucifer!” I shouted. “I am a child of God the Father, you will not have me!”

But, he didn’t leave. Dear Jesus, he didn’t leave. On the contrary, he tried to enter me. I felt my soul quail, I felt my heart begin to throb, and I felt fire. Burning, searing, agonizing fire enter me. And I could hear him whispering those words, over and over again, evil words. Oh, how he hates those who love the Lord. More then he hates anything else. And he hates me, and in this hate, he began to consume me. I screamed, I fought, I wailed for the Father. Ah, but no help came to me, I had to fight alone. Or so I thought. As Satan bore into me, as his fire scourged me, as my soul howled in agony, I threw up my arms, tossed my head ceiling-ward, squeezed my eyes shut and envisioned Jesus. His Face flared up in front of the fire that was consuming me and He said simply. “Invoke Me.”

I opened my eyes wide, wrapped my arms around my chest, hugged myself close. Then simply said. “God bless you, Lucifer.”

With a howl of rage, the evil one departed me. Left me shaking and sick. Left me and fled the Lord’s invocation.

Now, hours later, the dawn only minutes away, I find myself still sick with violation. He will not have my soul, he will NOT. Ah, but he almost had it, almost. Am I really that lacking in strength? Am I so weak that I almost let Satan consume me? Is there a shower for the soul? I feel unclean, unworthy. Flood me with Your grace sweet Jesus, I need Your presence, Your divinity, Your peace.

The sun rises, and my soul weeps.

I chose this journal entry for one reason. Stephen willed it of me. Don't ask me how I know this, it was like the other one I picked out, when the room seemed to dim and the handwritten words seemed to leap from the paper they were written on.

We all fight our battles between good and evil inside ourselves. I know I have, being a gay man, a gay adolescent, I fought myself. I always considered myself evil. I thought I would surely go to hell.

But, with Stephen it was different. There was no evil in him, maybe evil is not the right word. More like, there was no self conflict with what was right or wrong. Stephen just couldn't do any wrong. His only conflicts were of how to go about doing what was right, what was expected of him. He was completely selfless, his self worth came from knowing he was doing good for others. He knew as long as he followed the path the Lord layed out for him, he was doing what he was meant to do.

So, when I read this entry I was taken aback. When Stephen fought evil, he literally fought it. Satan attacks those who are fundamentally full of grace, who are intricately good. Stephen was right when he said,

Stephen wrote:Oh, how he hates those who love the Lord. More then he hates anything else."

And he loved the Lord. He loved the Lord more than himself. Tracie has said this before, many times, and I never truly understood it until I began reading all of his journals, watching him in home videos. Stephen lived his faith, he personified faith, he personified good. When Tracie said he "shined like a beacon" she was not exaggerating. Everything Stephen did, he did in the name of God. There is no other way to explain it. And his sister is the same way.

Well, I hate to come off like a know-it-all, but I wasn't worried about Stephen for a second. Puh-lease! I feel so bad about the physical things he went through, as I do for you, Shadow. (And I won't bother trying to elaborate on such a thing.) But not his heart or will. His physical weaknesses were so overwhelming that he couldn't be sure which end was up, but his true strength wasn't an issue. He just couldn't see that when things were at their worst.


So hi everybody! I'm at an Internet Cafe for an hour, and, as always, this thread was the place to start.

SHADOW!!!!!! SOOO glad to see you back!!!!!!

DAN!!!!! Fantastic news!!!!!

birdandbear..... Is your husband attending with you? That will determine how I return your hug.

Hail Fist!! Hope your having a good time!!

I've missed you.

And you are so right about Stephen, faith and strength are far deeper then one's physical being. At his weakest, he was at his strongest in faith.

umm, can you see where my theme of possession comes from in my stories?

Have fun at Disney!!