Depression

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Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

--A

[Ananda]

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

--A

That's a great quote.

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Not for the 'Tank.

Yeah, I like Whitman.

--A

[deer of the dawn]

Not for the 'Tank.

Yeah, I like Whitman.

--A

Me too: while I completely disagree with Whitman philosophically/morally/spiritually, I feel he embodies, with equal parts grace and hubris, the human spirit.

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One of the greatest American poets, I've always thought.

--A

[deer of the dawn]

The Andy Warhol of his generation. Self-promoting, self-obsessed, equally exalted and reviled; still appreciated.

Cambo posted in "houses and hearts" (in GD) about the Depression thread and I had a related comment but felt it probably belonged here instead of that thread. The thought crossed my mind this morning as I made coffee (often the most clear-headed time of day for me) that my husband and daughter both usually had places they'd rather be besides home, which usually leaves me alone. Such a thought could be devastating. But it wasn't. Because I'm a follower of Jesus, I have a deep and abiding sense that He, the Creator of the Universe, wants me; that He paid a stunning price in order to have that relationship with me. That isn't anything I can expect from other human beings, even my dear husband who is a great guy but a hyperactive workaholic for whom the rest of the world moves at an agonizingly inept pace. (I've said it often-- it's not easy being married to a great man.)

That is not to "spiritualize" the issue away-- for me it is real. "He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you, nor will I ever forsake you.'" That is a love song my soul will always resonate to.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Thank you so much, deer!! That encouraged me.

I'm trying to avoid some depression right now... I think the most useful thing for me to do now (if I'm to believe lots of very wise & sensible people) is go ahead and get dressed, and brush my hair and teeth (almost said "face and teeth!").

[Cambo]

That's a wonderful thing you have, Deer, and I mean that despite being a long way from Christian myself.

[deer of the dawn]

That's a wonderful thing you have, Deer, and I mean that despite being a long way from Christian myself.

May you find the Love that created you, too, Cambo.

[lorin]

Yuck

My feet are stuck in thick syrup of depression. The only resolution I made for this year is push my way out of this quagmire. This has been one of the worst episodes so far. When I am this far gone I isolate. I hide in tv, computer games and big thick blankets of self pity. It was a year of tremendous loses and tremendous reality checks. I have to come to terms with all of it. I have to let go. So tonight I am going to make a list of all the things in my life I have to let go of. I am writing this so I force myself to commit to putting up that list. And then I am going to move on.

I also need to get back into therapy and maybe meds. I need a jump start. This was a very very bad episode and very risky. I don't want to go to that edge again.

So there it is. Please bare (bear?) with me.

[aliantha]

Hang in there, lorin. You've started the journey out of the pit just by posting here.

DotD, I've got a comment on your comment but I need to run and catch the bus. I'll try to pull my thoughts together *and* remember to post them later, too...

[aliantha]

Oh fine, I'll double-post. Hopefully the mods will look the other way...

DotD, what I was gonna say was that I think you're doing the parenting thing right. I don't know how old your daughter is, but it doesn't sound to me as if she's throwing a fit and walking out -- it sounds to me like she's stretching her wings and learning where she fits best in the world. That's what parenting is all about, I think -- giving our kids a solid foundation from which they can grow into competent, secure, interesting adults.

Now the husband, I can't speak to. Mine would have been thrilled to stay home and play on his computer all day. I think I might have been happier if he'd had somewhere he'd rather be than in front of his computer all the time. Ah well....

[Vraith]

One of the greatest American poets, I've always thought.

--A

We agree on that. What I like [though peeps seem not to talk about it much] is there is humor often present...just a thin thread of it, sometimes subtle, sometimes not, but it's there. I mention that because, on topic, in general in my experience, people who suffer depression are also, counter-intuitively, very connected with/sensitive to shit that's funny, either in themselves or spotting it in the world, often both. [to be clear, i'm not talking about the manic side of the bi-polar]

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Pretty much anything can be funny if you look at it from the right perspective.

--A

[Cambo]

Pretty much anything can be funny if you look at it from the right perspective.

--A

Depression not the least of the examples.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Pretty much anything can be funny if you look at it from the right perspective.

--A

Depression not the least of the examples.

I try to get myself to joke, "Why am I so afraid of task completion? Do I think that if I finish all dishes*, my dad is gonna drive up here and yell at me?"

Oh gosh, I'm gonna share about one of my counseling sessions.
My counselor and I laughed most of the time.
I think this was the one last summer when people here on the Watch were encouraging me to go to it and praising me for taking care of myself.

Basically, she introduced the idea of "It's not good to 'should on' yourself" by saying:

You shouldn't should on yourself.

And then she realized she'd just used the word "should" on me!!!

I think there was also some swearing.
By me. Quoting someone swearing at me.
And her responding with rational, "umm, does that even make sense?"
And us busting up laughing.

Also, for hilarity, just now I apparently wrote, "I should share about one of my counselling sessions" before I changed it to "I'm gonna."
I'm shoulddin' myself!!

* One way my avoidance of task completion manifests itself is that I always gotta keep a few dirty dishes rattlin' around in my kitchen. Usually more than a few!

[Vraith]

"It's not good to 'should on' yourself" by saying:

You shouldn't should on yourself.

And then she realized she'd just used the word "should" on me!!!

My psych 101 prof. was talking about changing ones own behavior, and went off on a bit of a rant [heh...we had that in common, maybe that's why he cracked me up] Anyway, he launches into:

So we get all revved and knotted up, we MUST quit smoking, we MUST exercise, lose weight, get laid, drink less, be kind MUST MUST MUST, and never change anything or get anything done cuz we spend all our time MUSTerbating!

[Avatar]

--A

[Linna Heartbooger]

Yay, ranting... I'm starting to think that ranting is one of the more healthy ways to deal with some things.

(at least to vaguely sympathetic listener(s); or in the case of your prof, people who are compelled to listen... bwahaha.. nah, I think someone who has similar sympathies is better.)

I kinda want to rant and rage about some stuff... some even relevant to this discussion... hmmmmmm.

[deer of the dawn]

Thanks for the laughs. I need it today. Can't seem to get a grip on myself.

I was telling God this morning that I am really angry about a bunch of stuff that I have no control over, and don't know how to move on. This emoticon comes to mind: How do I get over, around, or through that wall and move on with life?

I learned years ago that when I have hurts that won't heal, the first step is forgiving. I keep thinking I've forgiven everyone and everything that has hurt, abandoned, betrayed or disappointed me. So why do I still hurt?

I'll probably regret posting this later, too transparent, but what the hey.