Joke de jeur or however that's spelled...

[The Leper Fairy]

Ooooh very nice patrol man dan! :lols:

Here's a riddle for you guys... it made me so mad! So I had to tell you

What do you sleep on, sit in and brush your teeth with?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now I want you to think long and hard before you read the answer, m'kay? Just like I had to!
.
.
.
.
.
.
do you have a couple guesses?
.
.
Good.

Spoiler

a bed, a chair, and a toothbrush.... I know I know... I hate that riddle too

[dANdeLION]

I'm not peeking yet, cause I wanted to make a guess first. I'd say "a Bed", "a chair", and "a toothbrush". You never said it had to be the same thing.....

[Skyweir]

LOL ok .. yeah .. i wasnt prepared for that!! LOL

[CovenantJr]

Grr, that was appalling! If you weren't a small, helpless girl I'd punch you repeatedly in the head until you fell over Perhaps

[hierachy]

That really was the worst yet...

[The Leper Fairy]

Tsk... I think I'll go cry now.

[Fist and Faith]

A church needs a new bell-ringer, so they put an ad in the paper. A little person shows up one day, answering the ad. The priest says, "Uh... I don't know, buddy. I don't think you're heavy enough to pull the rope and ring the bell."

The little person says, "That's ok. I have my own technique. I get a running start, jump, and ring the bell with my head."

Well, the priest is a bit skeptical, but agrees to give the guy a chance. He steps aside to watch a demonstration. So the guy gets a running start, and leaps. But the moment he leaps, a big wind comes along, and blows the bell aside. The poor guy flies right out of the tower, and falls to his death below.

The police show up, and ask the priest if he'd ever seen the guy before. The priest says, "I don't think so. His face doesn't ring a bell."

(Wait, the joke's not over!)

Next day, another little person shows up to answer the ad. Same conversation, same bell-ringing technique. The priest tells him about what happened yesterday. The little person says, "Well, that's tragic, but it's a billion-to-one shot. I'll be fine." The priest relents, and stand aside to see the demonstration.

And wouldn't you know it! The bell is blown away at the last instant yet again!! The guy, also, falls to his death. The police show up again, and they ask if the priest has ever seen this guy before.

Priest replies, "I don't think so. But he's a dead ringer for the last guy."

[hierachy]

Whehey 2jokes in one!

[aTOMiC]

Fill in the punch line.

How many ur-viles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

[hierachy]

only one, but they would not be able to tell if it worked

[aTOMiC]

only one, but they would not be able to tell if it worked

HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Leper Fairy]

Ok... here's one I just remembered today. I'm not too sure how it goes though...


A snail went into to a car dealership and said he wanted to buy the smallest, fastest car they had. He picked out an ittybitty little car and then had them paint a big bright "S" on the side. The car salesman looked at the little snail and said "Now why on earth would you want a fast little car with a big bright S on the side?" and the snail looks up and him and says, "Because when people see me driving I want them to say 'hey! Look at that little escargot!'"

[Fist and Faith]

[Dromond]

Just wanted to bump this thread to keep it in easy reach.

The show: Taxi.
The scene: Reverend Jim applying for his driver's liscense. Bobby sitting behind him helping Jim cheat.
Jim: "What should you do when you approach a yellow light?"
Bobby: "Slow down."
Jim: "What...should...you...do...when...you...approach...a...yellow...light?"
Bobby:"slow down!"
Jim: "Whaaat.....shouuulllld...yoooouuuu...

[Nathan]

There's an Englishman on holiday in China, he's there to see the beautiful countryside, sample the true culture of China by exploring the natural side of the country and, inevitably, one day he gets lost. It's getting dark and he starts to get worried so he searches all around for somewhere to sleep, and just as he's about to give up he sees a big house right in the middle of nowhere. So he heads over to the house, knocks on the door, and it's answered by a little old Chinese woman who invites him to stay for the night with dinner and Breakfast out of the goodness of her heart on one condition: He mustn't go near her daughter or she'll perform the three Chinese tortures on him. "Yeah whatever, Chinese tortures... Hah!" thinks the man and barges past her to the dining table where he sees some delicious looking food prepared.

Well, over dinner he gets to know the daughter, who happens to be young, very beautiful and flirts like anything, and that night he thinks "What can the old woman do to me anyway? She's just an old woman. I can easily overpower her if she tries anything." and he sneaks off to the daughter's room and has sex with her. Feeling very pleased with himself he creeps back to his room thinking he's gotten away with it, laughing quietly to himself as drifts off to sleep.

When he wakes up in the morning there's a rather large rock on his chest, and stuck to the rock is a little note saying "First Chinese Torture: Rock on chest". He grins: If this is the best the old woman's got I'll just be off then. Rock on chest... Hah! And he picks up the rock easily and throws it out of the window. That's when he notices the string, and the second note: "Second Chinese Torture: Rock tied to left testicle" Oh crap! So he quickly jumps out of the window after the rock. Then he sees another note on a second piece of string: "Third Chinese Torture: Right testicle tied to windowsill"

Edit: Spelling errors and, strangely I had the word to in place of the word the

[CovenantJr]

Argh!

Ok... here's one I just remembered today. I'm not too sure how it goes though...


A snail went into to a car dealership and said he wanted to buy the smallest, fastest car they had. He picked out an ittybitty little car and then had them paint a big bright "S" on the side. The car salesman looked at the little snail and said "Now why on earth would you want a fast little car with a big bright S on the side?" and the snail looks up and him and says, "Because when people see me driving I want them to say 'hey! Look at that little escargot!'"

Heh, that joke is very you

[Romeo]

A man goes into a pet store, wanting to buy a parrot.

No, not a norweigian blue.

"But I don't want one of those parrots that was trained to curse," he tells the shopkeeper.

"I have the perfect one for you," the shopkeeper says, leading the man to a cage in the back of the room. "This one was previously owned by a priest."

He pulls the cover off of the cage, and there sits the bird - asleep. On each of its legs it tied a length of string.

"What are the strings for?" the customer asks.

"Oh, that's the best part!" the shopkeeper replies. "If you pull the left one, the bird recites the Our Father. If you pull the right one, he says the Hail Mary."

The customer nodded, obviously quite impressed.

"What if you pull them both?" he asked.

The bird suddenly opens its eyes, ruffles its feathers, stretches out its wings, and replies...

"I'd fall on my ass, you damn fool!"

[Haruchai]

ROFL!! This thread is so funny! Why haven't I seen it before?
Wasn't sure whether or not I should spoiler this, but I did anyways.

Spoiler

Superman is flying around town, when he sees Wonderwoman, stark naked, lying on the top of a skyscraper. Superman streaks towards her, does his deed faster than a speeding bullet, then flies off.
"What was that?" Wonderwoman asks.
"I dunno," Invisible man says, "But it sure hurt."

[danlo]

Nasty!

40 Things Never Said By Southerners


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight

[Myste]

An atheist is walking through the woods on a beautiful sunny, breezy day. "What beautiful woods!" he thinks. "What beautiful sun and breezes!"Suddenly, he comes face to face with a 7 foot grizzly bear, which stands on its hind legs and roars at him. The atheist starts running, the bear starts chasing. Every time the atheist looks over his shoulder the bear is closing in.

At a bend in the trail, the atheist trips over a tree root and lands on his face, and turns over just in time to see the grizzly, claws extended, about to rip him to shreds.

"Oh dear God!" screams the atheist.

The bear freezes.

The breeze stops blowing.

Time stops completely, and the sunlight coelesces before him, a voice emanating from the golden glow.

"Thou hast denied me and my works all thy life. Do you REALLY expect me to help you out of this mess?"

The atheist thinks for a moment, and says "Well, it would be rather hypocritical of me to expect your help now, when I've never believed in you. But maybe you could make the Bear a Christian instead?"

The voice is silent for a moment, and the sunlight almost nods. "Yeah, okay."

Time starts up again. The breeze starts blowing. The bear comes down off its hind legs, and the atheist heaves a sigh of relief.

Then the bear puts its front paws together, and says, "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

edit-I misspelled atheist.