Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Sun May 16, 2004 1:08 am

I thought of asking you too, duchess. But I wasn't sure you were still posting at the Watch when I posted that.

Post by **Lament** » Sun May 16, 2004 5:41 am

Thank you both my friends. Thank you Duchess for your warm heart.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 17, 2004 4:21 pm

Welcome Lament!!

:D Big big hugglesssssssssss to you!!

You read this all in one night?!?!

Lament wrote:(note 1)In this song if you listen closely enough you will hear, what my pale and idiotic words cannot convey in regards to Isaiah "Shadowlurker" and Stephen McKinney

Song title: The Promise
Composer: Michael Nyman.

This song is very personal to me. In it's piano keys I hear the love of my redeemer. The only reason I offer it here is because I have nothing else to offer. If you listen to it, you will understand me and my offering. I can say no more. Even now the tears stain my vision.

Did I not say you reminded me of Stephen!!! Holy smokes, he played this very piece on the piano over and over again. Kindred spirit, be well met to his little corner of the Watch!! He told me there were more of you out there, right after Isaiah passed, when I thought I should stop doing this. He whispered softly in my ear, "he was only the first, there are many more".

Lament wrote:Perhaps I prayed without faith or perhaps God saw fit that my pleas were unworthy.

Okay, my friend, stop that right now. Unworthy?? God made you, and let me tell you, He doesn't make junk. Never, ever feel you are "unworthy" of Him. God won't solve your problems for you, be He does help those who help themselves. He points them in the direction where help may be found. I know in a world where there seems to be no peace anywhere, where children suffer, where war rages unchecked, and where atrocities are common place, it seems that He cannot be found, that He has abandoned His children. But, I say this to that...God sends us miracles every day. Just look at the sun, look at the life around us, look at those who combat Satan's evil, look at the people He sent to do His work (like my brother). He can't make our decisions for us, we must decided to follow Him or leave Him. It is really quite simple. I could have easily been very angry at God. I mean...how could He let something like AIDS happen to Stephen, one who followed His path so steadfastly?? One who lived life proclaiming the glory of His Son? But, I'm not, just the opposite...I thank God every day for the gift of Stephen. No matter how short a time we had with him, it was one of the greatest gifts He could have ever given us, given the world. My brother was a miracle. Our lives are miracles. And you, Lament, are a MIRACLE!!! Never, ever doubt your worthiness.

Lament wrote:I felt riven and hollow inside. I was a hollow man and stayed that way for a long time.

Lament wrote:As I write these words and the tears come I know why I feel hollow inspite of the knowledge I just shared. In spite of it being a joyful thread.

You see I never met Luis, I never got the chance to.

Lament wrote:And just like back then I find myself wishing I could have met Stephen and Shadowlurker, somehow conforted them. Like Luis I never got the chance to. yes it's a totally different situation but understand friends before you judge, while my head knows this my heart can see no difference.

Okay, first of all, I see anything but a "hollow" person here. Your grief over the loss of Luis alone shows that. A person with a hollow heart feels nothing but nothingness. Your heart is so full of remorse and loss that it is numb. I know that feeling. After Isaiah's passing, I felt numb with grief. But not grief for him, because I know where he is now. I felt it only for myself and our family. Because he came to us so late in his life. And we had so very little time with him.

Second of all, what is this "judge me" hooey??? huh??? No one judges here, especially in this thread. Here we bear our hearts and open our souls. Beliefs are shared and respected. Thoughts are treasured and regarded as blessings. You will find no judgement here, my friend.

God bless you, Lament. God bless you with all His grace. May His light shine in your heart and fill that hollowness you feel.

You are among friends here. Love is so easy to give, it really is.

Peace,
Tracie

Post by **Furls Fire** » Mon May 17, 2004 4:23 pm

OH grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I must have taken too long with that post because it logged me out. That was me of course.

*(^&$%#$#^&^*$$##

okay...better now.

Love you all!!

Post by **Furls Fire** » Mon May 17, 2004 4:34 pm

Fist, Duchy...

We are, who we are, and we are all beautiful people.

"I have found a paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." --Mother Teresa

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Tue May 18, 2004 4:34 am

Furls Fire wrote:Second of all, what is this "judge me" hooey??? huh??? No one judges here, especially in this thread. Here we bear our hearts and open our souls. Beliefs are shared and respected. Thoughts are treasured and regarded as blessings. You will find no judgement here, my friend.

Toldja so!!

Furls Fire wrote:You are among friends here. Love is so easy to give, it really is.

Right?? And it seems that you never run out! The more you give, the more you have to give!

Post by **Lament** » Tue May 18, 2004 6:02 am

Wow I'm floored that Stephen knew that heartsong. Furls your words mean alot to me. You are a light to my despair.

You are right about being hollow. I never looked at it that way before.

Thank you Furls, Duchess and Fist.

Second of all, what is this "judge me" hooey??? huh???

hehe so cute.

Thank you.

And God bless Furls and God bless you all as well

I'll say it again I think this post has many blessings for those who read it.

Post by **Furls Fire** » Tue May 18, 2004 1:49 pm

Fist and Faith wrote:
Furls Fire wrote:Second of all, what is this "judge me" hooey??? huh??? No one judges here, especially in this thread. Here we bear our hearts and open our souls. Beliefs are shared and respected. Thoughts are treasured and regarded as blessings. You will find no judgement here, my friend.
Toldja so!!

Furls Fire wrote:You are among friends here. Love is so easy to give, it really is.
Right?? And it seems that you never run out! The more you give, the more you have to give!

Lament wrote:Wow I'm floored that Stephen knew that heartsong. Furls your words mean alot to me. You are a light to my despair.

Though I don't know you very well, and I don't know the root of your despair, I hope to help in anyway I can. The power of love is boundless.

Some people roam this world in their own private darkness. Their souls lost in pain, starved for love. I believe Jesus wants me to light their way out of that darkness.. to Him. If I'm one of the blessed ones, I need to share that blessing with as many as I can. It is what He wants of me." --Stephen, 14, journal entry 5/10/84, when he still believed he should be a priest.

Peace

Edit: Here's the whole entry I just quoted from. Hang on to your chair Fist.

Post by **Stephen C** » Tue May 18, 2004 4:34 pm

May 10, 1984 9:52pm

I just love “career day”. You take these tests that are supposed to tell you what you are to grow up to be. Mine always come back with a mix of possibilities. Writer, musician, artist, teacher, journalist, psychologist, sociologist, President. Ha Ha! Me?? President?? Doubt I could ever be that. Too much goes on in politics that departs the president from helping the nation. Sad to say, but true. What I find most amusing about “career day” is that it never tells me what I am really to be, what the Lord wants me to be. A priest. And if not a priest, then a minister of the Word in some other capacity. Teaching, writing, singing out His glory…some way. Jesus plays too big a part in my life to not include Him. So, I asked the “career counselor”, as he was called, why my chosen career was not on the list. And he said, “separation between church and state, Ministry is left out because of that.” I looked at him in disbelief. “But, this is a Catholic school. Separation between church and state shouldn’t apply here.” I think at this point he was quite exasperated with me. “It’s a standard test, now please go back to your seat.” Shrugging, I did what he wanted. I took his test, and it came back with all the same results as the one before…

Deacon Hallick held me after class and asked why I looked so disgusted. When I told him, he smiled and said. “Stephen, there are very few people in this world who see things the way you do. They are not bad people, or wrong people. They just live their daily lives with no thought of things greater than they are. They care for themselves and their families as best they can and go forward. You are different. You walk and live as an emissary of the Lord. That is who you are. When your parents enrolled you here, and I saw you for the first time 3 years ago, I knew you were special. I knew you were different. I knew then that you are to do great things in the Lord’s name. And that is even more profound now since your accident. Whether you become a priest or not, you will do His work. You are one of the blessed ones.”

Deacon Hallick is a great man. He teaches me so much. He is my inspiration, why I wish to be part of the Church and do God’s work. He’s right about people. I see them. Some people roam this world in their own private darkness. Their souls lost in pain, starved for love. I believe Jesus wants me to light their way out of that darkness.. to Him. If I'm one of the blessed ones, I need to share that blessing with as many as I can. It is what He wants of me. I can feel it. I know it. He is always in my heart. Why though? Why me? Why was I chosen out of all the millions of people who walk this earth to be one of those so blessed? He never answers that. Stevie, why ask? Just do what you are meant to do. Maybe the answer will come and maybe it won’t. Some questions just don’t have an answer, and if they do, they just aren’t supposed to be known. I thank the Lord Jesus for choosing me, and will do all I can to be worthy of His choice in me.

“Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer, thou shalt cry, and He shall say, Here I am.” --Isaiah 58:9 KJV

“And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul, then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day.” --Isaiah 58:10 KJV

“Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: "Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?".Then I said, "Here am I! Send Me". --Isaiah 6:8 KJV

Here am I, sweet Jesus Lord, send me.

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Wed May 19, 2004 1:58 am

Furls Fire wrote:Hang on to your chair Fist.

Thanks for the warning! And, as it turns out, that's a fantastic entry!!

Deacon Hallick sounds like a wonderful guy. Not all By the book!!, but seeing that such faith and work can come in many forms. Not too much into dogma, myself.

An attitude I picked up before Fools Crow and Conversations With God, but they really drove the point home for me.

As for religion in school... *sigh* You know... How can people be so blind??? I don't have any religious faith or beliefs, but does that mean I don't want to understand, or at least be aware of, one of the top few aspects of the human race??? Wouldn't it help us all if we understood a little bit about each other? How can we learn about other cultures without learning about their religion?? And if we can learn about their religions, why can't we learn about the most popular one in this country? It's not like you can't learn about Christianity without having prayers over the speakers. And so it comes down to nobody being allowed to mention careers that include religion. *shakes head*

Post by **Lament** » Wed May 19, 2004 12:24 pm

They are not bad people, or wrong people. They just live their daily lives with no thought of things greater than they are.

I often wondered why certain people who followed their faith, believed they had to enact in a contest. A contest I say! Seeing who was more holier-than-thou and who could be the most holy.

In my experience the most holy are the most humble. They are the ones who do NOT shine in the limelight, with VERY few exceptions.

Sadly, people who believe they are Holy are actors. They walk around the earth spouting proverbs and quotes from holy scriptures. But when they see someone who really aspires to holiness they are afraid for the light the holy shine is so great it casts a shadow on lesser souls so that they must be look at themselves truely as they are, faults and all. Those who are truly Holy are often persecuted, even by members of their own religon and faith!!

In a way I suppose it follows to right. Jesus was persecuted by members of his own faith and he was the Son of God.

Stephen was and is one of God's holy souls. Blessed was Deacon Hallick who could see that.

Though I don't know you very well, and I don't know the root of your despair, I hope to help in anyway I can.

Sure you know me Furls. I'm the bum schlepping his way in the street. I'm the guy next to you on the subway. I'm person #954454354556456.
*chuckles* Seriously i'm just the next guy trying to make his way in the world without enlisting desecration.

I don't have any religious faith or beliefs, but does that mean I don't want to understand, or at least be aware of, one of the top few aspects of the human race???

Fist you remind me alot of a great religon teacher that was in a catholic high school I attended for a time. He had firm ideas into Buddism and was a vegetarian, but was one of the most spiritual men out there.

I remember he once remarked on how he could have been making thousands of dollars in the 80's but decided he needed to follow his own road. And to think I once dm'd "Dragons of Spring Dawning" TSR module for him and other friends one afternoon in our D&D school club. Wow, memories.

Post by **Furls Fire** » Wed May 19, 2004 2:51 pm

Fisty wrote:As for religion in school... *sigh* You know... How can people be so blind??? I don't have any religious faith or beliefs, but does that mean I don't want to understand, or at least be aware of, one of the top few aspects of the human race??? Wouldn't it help us all if we understood a little bit about each other? How can we learn about other cultures without learning about their religion?? And if we can learn about their religions, why can't we learn about the most popular one in this country? It's not like you can't learn about Christianity without having prayers over the speakers. And so it comes down to nobody being allowed to mention careers that include religion. *shakes head*

You know what's funny about the "seperation between church and state" bit? When the authors of our country came up with that, it wasn't to keep religion and faith out of school, or business, or anything like that. It was to keep the government from enforcing religion on the people. The government was prevented from creating a "national religion." This allowed the people of our new nation to worship or not worship whatever faith they chose. It had NOTHING to do with keeping prayer out of school..etc. But, like the gun thing, health thing, free speech thing, it's been twisted all around to serve the powers that be in their ceaseless quest for more power.

*Okay, Tracie...stop right there...do NOT go into a political rant. Breath deeply...*

I'll say one more thing about power. Stephen, as a child, wanted to be a priest since he could voice what he wanted to be. However, as he grew to be a man, he realized that the Catholic church was more about power than it was about serving God and His children. He came to the conclusion that the church just used God to glorify itself. So he abandoned the thought of becoming a priest. But, he in now way abandoned his service to God. You all, by now, know what he did do. I told, when he decided against becoming a priest that I thought he could be a force for change in the church. And he said to me..."I won't have enough time. Besides, that isn't what He wants..."

Lament wrote:I often wondered why certain people who followed their faith, believed they had to enact in a contest. A contest I say! Seeing who was more holier-than-thou and who could be the most holy.

In my experience the most holy are the most humble. They are the ones who do NOT shine in the limelight, with VERY few exceptions.

Sadly, people who believe they are Holy are actors. They walk around the earth spouting proverbs and quotes from holy scriptures. But when they see someone who really aspires to holiness they are afraid for the light the holy shine is so great it casts a shadow on lesser souls so that they must be look at themselves truely as they are, faults and all. Those who are truly Holy are often persecuted, even by members of their own religon and faith!!

In a way I suppose it follows to right. Jesus was persecuted by members of his own faith and he was the Son of God.

Stephen was and is one of God's holy souls. Blessed was Deacon Hallick who could see that.

You hit the nail on the head there, that's for sure. Those that are truly holy, truly faithful..walk the earth in the path of Jesus. Live by His teachings. My brother gave so much of himself to others and never, ever asked for anything in return. His life was one of complete acceptance and faith. Even in the last stages of his illness he found joy in his existance, in his faith. "What more could I want, desire? I have Jesus in my heart, I have my family, I have my life. There is nothing else."

Lament wrote:Sure you know me Furls. I'm the bum schlepping his way in the street. I'm the guy next to you on the subway. I'm person #954454354556456.
*chuckles* Seriously i'm just the next guy trying to make his way in the world without enlisting desecration.

No, you are so much more than that. We all are. So, please don't say such things. That, reminded me of Nathan, it wasn't true of him and it's not true of you either. Circumstance does not make the person. I know of "bums" who were the richest people in the world.

It's what is in your heart that matters, your soul. The saddest people I know are those who believe money will make them happy. Got news for them, they can't take it with them.

So, no Lament, I don't *know* you very well yet. But you do remind me of people I have known.

Isaiah Adderly, Nathan James, Denise Hutchinsen, a man named Harold Prevetti, whom I haven't mentioned here until now. He was another soul who found his way to Stephen. They all had such thoughts of unworthiness, of only being a number, a bum, a cast off, but they found out differently.

Peace

Tracie

Post by **Lament** » Wed May 19, 2004 4:03 pm

it's been twisted all around to serve the powers that be in their ceaseless quest for more power.

Yes I think so as well. Things are made to have a new "spin". I never even knew of that term till I watched a politcal program one time.

Thank you for the kind words my friend.

Post by **duchess of malfi** » Wed May 19, 2004 5:27 pm

Furls said:

Circumstance does not make the person. I know of "bums" who were the richest people in the world. It's what is in your heart that matters, your soul. The saddest people I know are those who believe money will make them happy. Got news for them, they can't take it with them.

That is so true. That is so freakin, flippin true.

I might have to post the little essay I worte and sent to my family and friends after my mother's death. It goes right into the heart of that issue...

And, Lament, I agree with you on religious hypocracy. People such as the ones you are talking about have driven me from organized religion.

I have met all to many people who think that religion is about sayng the right things, reading the right things, watching the right things, following all of the little rules and regulations -- and making sure that everyone knows all about these accomplishments. But these same people forget that the heart of what most religions are all about is doing your best to bring love into the world.

Post by **danlo** » Wed May 19, 2004 5:41 pm

"There is also love in the world."

Post by **Furls Fire** » Wed May 19, 2004 10:36 pm

In the words of the Fab Four... "All you need is love"

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Thu May 20, 2004 2:25 am

Lament wrote:Fist you remind me alot of a great religon teacher that was in a catholic high school I attended for a time. He had firm ideas into Buddism and was a vegetarian, but was one of the most spiritual men out there.

Wow! I remind you of one of the most spiritual men out there?! Thanks!

Lament wrote:I remember he once remarked on how he could have been making thousands of dollars in the 80's but decided he needed to follow his own road. And to think I once dm'd "Dragons of Spring Dawning" TSR module for him and other friends one afternoon in our D&D school club. Wow, memories.

WHAT??? Isn't that stuff the work of Satan??

Post by **duchess of malfi** » Thu May 20, 2004 5:16 am

Here is the essay I mentioned a couple of posts ago...I wrote it and sent it out in email form for family and friends after the death of my mother...this is dated May 2, 2002...

_____________________________________________________________

Believe and Achieve. Those words are the motto of the wrestling club in Manchester, Michigan. It must work for them, for they have produced a phenomenal number of state champions for such a tiny school in such a tiny town. They put it on their shirts, their banners, and on the medals they award wrestlers at their tournaments. I have three of those medals before me, one silver, and two bronze, won by my children last weekend in Manchester, from two days of wrestling. Believe and achieve.

Yet, faced with my mother's recent death, those words resonate much deeper within my heart and mind and soul. I have realized that those words are the center of most of our lives, and most of us just don't fully realize it. We don't realize what we believe in, and we don't realize what we are achieving.

What do you believe in? No, I am not talking about God here. I'm talking about what you base your mortal life here on earth around. My mother grew up in the back hills of the South during the Great Depression. She literally hoarded every penny she ever came across. Money was what she believed in. What did she achieve with it? She had a nice little bundle stashed away when she passed. But she never traveled, never bought herself anything nice to wear, never ate in a good restaurant except when her children dragged her, never fed the hungry, never helped the homeless, and as far as I can tell, never did a single worthwhile thing with it, either for herself or anyone else, except gain satisfaction by hoarding it away.

I can use other examples with other people. A girl I used to work with grew up in a dysfunctional family (as most of us do). She believes in anger and holding grudges. She is angry every day. She holds things that her parents did to her or her siblings did to her as children (childish acts committed by children) against them twenty years later. She can't get past these things and have a normal adult life or adult relationship because she values these things, hoards them, holds them to her heart. What has she achieved? An angry life where she drives everyone away, and the poor woman can't understand why all of her boyfriends break things off after a few dates and why she can't have a close relationship with her family.

People believe in all sorts of things. Could be drugs, could be television or books, or sports, or fashion, clothes, what your house looks like, could even be God, which is fine as long as you don't use your religion as a prop for your ego instead of what God intended it for, which is serving other people and serve Him is doing so.

So I guess I have to ask all of you, my family, all of whom I love dearly and deeply, what do you believe in? Does it make you happy or hold you back? Does it help others or hurt them, like my former co-worker's anger? Are you Achieving what you are Believing? I want all of you to be happier than my Mother was, may God help her heal and be at peace now.

Love,
Kay
_____________________________________________________________

Post by **Furls Fire** » Thu May 20, 2004 1:48 pm

Wow duchy!! that was fantastic! And so on the mark!!

I hope too that your mother has found peace, and that she is wrapped in the arms of the Lord.

It is so hard for some people to understand that true achievement comes from within their own hearts. True happiness can only come from within. The biggest mistake people make is believing that anyone or anything from outside of themselves can make them happy. I tell my kids that they can be whatever they wish to be, but in order to be happy at it, they have to love themselves and know themselves in their hearts.

Peace

Post by **Lament** » Thu May 20, 2004 4:24 pm

Duchess.

Thank you for sharing that. I know it must not have been easy.

I'm talking about what you base your mortal life here on earth around.

That seems very deep and philisophical and to me, the core of the essay.
It has no easy answer either.

Does it help others or hurt them, like my former co-worker's anger?

I have always thought it just takes a minute to say "thank you" or even compliment somone on their smile. Their nails, or a man's tie. Whatever it is, you brighten up someone's day instead of causing grief.
I think all those little things add up.

I hope too that your mother has found peace, and that she is wrapped in the arms of the Lord.

Count me in on that wish Tracie

"There is also love in the world."

Amen Danlo

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

Believe and Achieve