Depression

[sgt.null]

I am noticing my depression tinging my thoughts. likely I am uneasy about returning to work. the physical task may prove grueling. really wish i could take more time.

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

Sarge, forgive me for saying this, but that is a bad job.

[sgt.null]

but they pay me cash. i have ahouse because of the job. my ankle is (somewhat) fixed because of the job.

i have no college learning, so it is the most money i can make here. and insurance. and retirement. (12 short years)

[lorin]

but they pay me cash. i have ahouse because of the job. my ankle is (somewhat) fixed because of the job.

i have no college learning, so it is the most money i can make here. and insurance. and retirement. (12 short years)

I hear you, we are both in a similar situation. But Ron is right, it's a difficult and unappreciative job we both have. They are not mutually exclusive. We do what we have to do to survive.

[lorin]

don't like replying to my own post but so be it. please bear with me. Been going through a slide the last month or so. I felt it coming on, those old familiar feelings. Just trying to manage it and not let it get out of control. My birthday was sunday and I guess it just topped it off. not happy with who I am or what i am.

It seems my life is jammed full of half done things and false starts. So on Sunday I pulled out my half done book (third actually). Here's the thing that made me even sadder. It is not bad. The writing is good. But like my life itself it is scattered. And I keep going back to my mother. I see my mother in everything about me. Her work was good too. But never finished. She was never happy with what she created. She would lock it in the attic, I lock it in the computer. So much of her in me. She was so lonely, but she created her isolation. So do I.

Am I destined to follow her path? Years ago I would have said no way, now I am not so sure.

I have written and deleted this post 3 times. Lets see how long I can leave this one up.

[Avatar]

Of course you're not.

That doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but you're not "destined" for anything. Predisposed toward maybe, but that just means you have to work a little harder to avoid it.

You can't do anything about the past. But you can sure do something about your future.

--A

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

don't like replying to my own post but so be it. please bear with me. Been going through a slide the last month or so. I felt it coming on, those old familiar feelings. Just trying to manage it and not let it get out of control. My birthday was sunday and I guess it just topped it off. not happy with who I am or what i am.

It seems my life is jammed full of half done things and false starts. So on Sunday I pulled out my half done book (third actually). Here's the thing that made me even sadder. It is not bad. The writing is good. But like my life itself it is scattered. And I keep going back to my mother. I see my mother in everything about me. Her work was good too. But never finished. She was never happy with what she created. She would lock it in the attic, I lock it in the computer. So much of her in me. She was so lonely, but she created her isolation. So do I.

Am I destined to follow her path? Years ago I would have said no way, now I am not so sure.

I have written and deleted this post 3 times. Lets see how long I can leave this one up.

Lorin I know exactly how you feel. I've been writing a book for 25 years. My mother is, well, a flake, which is something I never want to be, but fear that I might yet become. I feel like I have it in my to achieve something great but I never seem to follow through with it, and I sometimes get that helpless feeling like change is impossible. And I've always isolated myself, though I have been doing a lot better with that lately in some ways, not much better in others.

[Linna Heartbooger]

don't like replying to my own post but so be it. please bear with me. Been going through a slide the last month or so. I felt it coming on, those old familiar feelings. Just trying to manage it and not let it get out of control. My birthday was sunday and I guess it just topped it off. not happy with who I am or what i am.

I know I can safely say there are lots of us (other people) who are happy with much of who you are and grateful that you exist.
But I know that just saying it doesn't necessarily have as much power to make you see and feel it as a reality...

It seems my life is jammed full of half done things and false starts. So on Sunday I pulled out my half done book (third actually). Here's the thing that made me even sadder. It is not bad. The writing is good. But like my life itself it is scattered. And I keep going back to my mother.

Hey, you pulled it out... that can be a beginning.
I've been trying to train myself not to "despise the day of small things."

I see my mother in everything about me. Her work was good too. But never finished. She was never happy with what she created. She would lock it in the attic, I lock it in the computer. So much of her in me. She was so lonely, but she created her isolation. So do I.

I get surprised by how many of (both!) my parents' negative traits I have so much of.
I get especially surprised by the traits I have specifically striven to not have... and then I look, and there they are popping up... sometimes in a slightly different form.
But seeing her in everything about you? Ouch..

I have written and deleted this post 3 times. Lets see how long I can leave this one up.

Ya did it...

[aliantha]

Yeah, lorin, you can't take it down now -- people have commented on it.

As a friend who's also a therapist once told me (when I was worried about my kids inheriting depression from their dad): Biology isn't destiny.

Wish I had more time to address the whole "I'm not worthy!" thing that creative people do to themselves. Maybe later today at work...

[Linna Heartbooger]

Yeah, lorin, you can't take it down now -- people have commented on it.

I was thinking that too... but the other side of the truth is... if anyone asked me to edit my post where I'd quoted them and then they wanted their quote deleted, I'd probably do it!

Wish I had more time to address the whole "I'm not worthy!" thing that creative people do to themselves. Maybe later today at work...

DO IT, DOOOO ITTTT!

[aliantha]

Wish I had more time to address the whole "I'm not worthy!" thing that creative people do to themselves. Maybe later today at work...

DO IT, DOOOO ITTTT!

Hm. Now I've kinda forgotten what I was gonna say. Figures...

It was probably something along the lines of this, tho: I've heard of, and talked to, so many people who apparently would rather beat themselves up for being a failure than put in the work required to turn their ideas into something. I know, I know: what's on paper isn't what was in your head, the plot is derivative, the characters are wooden, the whole thing lays your soul too bare. All of that, except the last, can be learned. Getting what's in your head down on paper just takes practice -- that old "seat of your pants to the seat of your chair" thing. Plotting can be taught (and as SRD has said, there are only a certain number of plots in the world anyhow -- so of *course* yours is derivative, duh). There are tricks to bringing characters alive. You can learn them by reading "Writer's Digest" magazine, by taking classes, by trolling the web for writing blogs -- and then practicing. There are online critique groups. You can even find editorial help for your book online.

You can't even use "no one will ever publish this" as an excuse any more -- not since the advent of Kindle Direct Publishing, Smashwords.com and B&N's PubIt. Smashwords puts out a free style guide -- just follow the directions and upload your file, and poof! You're published. Want a paperback you can hold in your hand? Lulu and/or CreateSpace will be happy to help you. You can even buy one of their packages and they'll do your formatting and cover design for you. Not only that, but now you're an indie author! We are hip, hot and happening! And we are happy to welcome you.

So it's not the mechanics -- not any more. It's the "I'm not worthy" crap that stops people from reaching their dreams. As I said earlier today, biology isn't destiny -- and neither are life circumstances. Lorin posted earlier today in GenDisc about a young man who came up through her city's social services system and is now published. It's not where you've been; it's where you're going.

And the "I'm laying my soul bare" thing? I hate to break this to you, but: you are not the only human being who has ever had the feelings you're writing about; you are not the only human being who has ever written about those feelings; and you are not the only human being who has ever shared them publicly. Maybe your words are destined to help somebody. Maybe your words are the one thing that will kick them in the ass and make them do what they need to do. Maybe your withholding your words from the world is actually hurting that person. Puts a different spin on that book in the drawer, doesn't it?

Don't tell me it can't happen. You never know when, or how, your words will come back to you. Once, sitting in a county council meeting in West Virginia, I heard a random citizen quote from a news story I'd written and that had aired on our radio station that morning. The guy had freaking *memorized* the thing and was quoting it as a challenge to the board members. I don't even remember what the topic was; I just remember the weird feeling of hearing somebody I had never met quote something I had written.

Seriously, stop beating yourself up. You're not a failure. Just get it done already.

[StevieG]

Well said Ali!

These lyrics have helped me personally in the past, from the godfather of the broken hearted, FWIW:

Wake up the dying
Don't wake up the dead
Change what you're saying
Don't change what you said
Now that it's time that
I got out of bed

When i walk myself down sycamore street
The sun beats down
No shoes on my feet
And i stumble on a daisy through concrete

Oh, and see my sig - lucimay always sums it up perfectly in my opinion!

[lorin]

A lot of good advice here.

I am not afraid of 'baring my soul', clearly not my issue since I am walking around this site butt naked these days. I guess it is the inadequacy thing. It is not only the writing, its the whole deal. It's looking at my life as a whole that has sent me into a spin. No use going over it, won't change anything.

Just need to change my perspective. Some weird guy on this site keeps saying "there is only here and now". Guess I just need to listen to him.

Now I am going to go grab myself by the seat of the pants and find a chair.

Thanks all.

[aliantha]

Some weird guy on this site keeps saying "there is only here and now". Guess I just need to listen to him.

There ya go.

And whaddya know, I think I'm gonna get a blog post for this week out of this. So thanks, Linna, for kicking *me* in the butt to post.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Thanks, ali!

Where I come from, the way I roll is called "encouraging." (telling someone "hey, I think you can do that and it would be awesome" when they already have something they think they want to say or do)

The "kick-in-the-pants" style is called exhorting, (telling someone "you can do it!" when they aren't too sure about it themselves) and perhaps is more like what you just did for Lorin!

(now what was I going to say about your content in that slightly-more-longish post you said back there...?)


And lorin- your "extending the metaphor" of "baring ones soul" gave me a chuckle.
Also,

[aliantha]

Hugs for everybody.

The post is up. Click on the link in my sig if you want to read it (altho it's not a lot different than what I posted above).

I was kind of shocked at the length of the blog post (I do go on, huh? ) so I didn't add something that I sort of consider to be the flipside of what I've already said. Which is this: People who have shelved creative projects, of whatever sort, likely had a good reason for doing it. Maybe they found that they were better at something else than they were at (shelved project). Maybe life intervened -- family obligations, work obligations, whatever. Or maybe you're stymied -- you don't know where to take the work from here, and are letting it sit while your subconscious works it out for you.

Those are all valid reasons for stepping away, and it's pointless and kind of ridiculous to beat yourself up for doing it. We all have different talents; we all have obligations. Not to make it all about me , but I set aside my fiction writing for most of the 20 years I worked as a journalist and raised the kids. Parenting sucks up a *lot* of free time. And there were a couple of ambitious needlepoint projects that I started, and carted around with me in various moves over the years, and finally got rid of because I knew I would never finish them. I felt a little bad about doing it, but I realized that I've moved on from that particular craft (as I had moved on previously from other crafts). And that's okay.

And as far as letting the work sit for awhile? I do this all the time. I call it "letting it ripen." Not only is it a valid editing technique, but it's even recommended.

My point is that there's absolutely no reason to castigate yourself for any of this. People start stuff all the time and then bail. There's no reason to believe you're any different from the rest of humanity. If you tried (creative outlet) and decided ultimately that it wasn't for you, or if you've set it aside for purely practical reasons, and you're satisfied that that's all it is, then own your decision and move on.

Hope that helps.... (I'm smelling a blog post, part 2. )

[Cambo]

Someone, I think someone on here, said that "the only true failure is failure as a human being."
As a human being Lorin, you are a resounding success.

[aliantha]

Someone, I think someone on here, said that "the only true failure is failure as a human being."
As a human being Lorin, you are a resounding success.

What he said.

In fact, it's true of everybody here.

[Obi-Wan Nihilo]

I've seen depression characterized by psychologists I respect as unexperienced grief. Sometimes it's OK to relax that stiff upper lip and just experience the grief that life has dealt you, let it wash over you and just surrender to it, stop denying it and validate it, experience it. Sometimes letting it go in that way is the most cathartic and affirming thing possible, because it gives you the chance to pass through it and survive. You can't heal what you haven't processed, and you can't process a thing intellectually before you've processed the emotions.

To anyone that is feeling depressed, I validate your emotions and your right to experience them on your own terms without putting on a happy face or getting over it until you are good and ready. If tears need to come, let them loose and get in touch with what is really going on inside yourself.

[Holsety]

I am noticing my depression tinging my thoughts. likely I am uneasy about returning to work. the physical task may prove grueling. really wish i could take more time.

What were you out for? Something relating to your wife, or to you? Hope things go OK.

Wish I had more time to address the whole "I'm not worthy!" thing that creative people do to themselves.

If it's worthy of success or fame in their creative efforts, I'll let someone else address it (oh, actually Ali then did go on to address it excellently!). But in terms of worthiness of happiness...whenever someone questions whether they're worthy of happiness, (which I guess I haven't seen happen on this topic? but I've seen happen) I think, it doesn't matter if I deserve to be happy or not, I like happy either way.