How do you feel today? v. 3.0

[aliantha]

I had a dr. appointment in the middle of the day, so I took the day off. That's valid, right?

After I got back from my appointment, Batty and I went to see "Guardians of the Galaxy". What a fun movie! And with a soundtrack I could sing along to!

[Linna Heartbooger]

Okay, I join in the "mega-huggles for lorin!" campaign!

Well the good (or bad) news* is that is looks like I will survive. The nurse came today and gave me some meds, changed the packing, took out the IV and zapped me with some kind of painkiller. So I am good for a while. I am done with home care and everything probably will be ok. Found out hey didn't fix my septum though. Guess I am still a snorer. And I get to do this again. Yay!

"and I get to do this again"? That kinda pulls the rug out from under you as far as getting to be glad it's all done. Boooo.

[lorin]

I had a dr. appointment in the middle of the day, so I took the day off. That's valid, right?

After I got back from my appointment, Batty and I went to see "Guardians of the Galaxy". What a fun movie! And with a soundtrack I could sing along to!

When I used to be employed, it was unheard of NOT to take the full day for a drs appointment.

Is Guardians the one with the Raccoon? Its getting good reviews.

Okay, I join in the "mega-huggles for lorin!" campaign!

Well the good (or bad) news* is that is looks like I will survive. The nurse came today and gave me some meds, changed the packing, took out the IV and zapped me with some kind of painkiller. So I am good for a while. I am done with home care and everything probably will be ok. Found out hey didn't fix my septum though. Guess I am still a snorer. And I get to do this again. Yay!

"and I get to do this again"? That kinda pulls the rug out from under you as far as getting to be glad it's all done. Boooo.

Thanks Linna. I still haven't figured out why the pain gets worse at night. Weird. I feel it coming on again.

They didn't fix my septum (septum?) so therefore is ain't over yet. sigh.

worked two 16 hours shifts this week. Monday and Tuesday, so I could have Wednesday off.
Julie is in Houston this week taking care of her mom while her sister and her husband are at the beach house.
Sonny is very happy to have me home today.

I think I would like 2 16 hour shifts.

[rdhopeca]

So after a seven month absence, on the advice of my diabetes specialist, I returned to therapy today. It was an odd session, but not coincidentally, I came out of today in a pretty good mood. It was so, well, therapeutic to air some of my frustrations in a way that was productive.

For those of you who don't know, I struggle with diabetes, mostly around my frustration with the amount of personal care required to battle the disease, a battle I am slowly but surely losing. It's been 12 years since I was diagnosed. At one time I posted here about my frustrations with going on insulin and Jenn leveled me with a right cross (deservedly so).

One of the main frustrations with the disease is that it is constant failure. Nothing is so demotivating as doing everything you should for a day and then do a blood sugar test and have it be bad. The constant negative feedback is so draining. A few months ago I thought I had a great 3 months and went in and tests showed no improvement. At that point I was like "why bother???"

So, the therapy is intended to figure out why I have such a compliance problem. Today my therapist had me basically "talk to myself" and the word we came up with was "resignation", as in, sort of a "what's the point", or "resigned to your fate". So not only am I battling diabetes, I am also battling apathy towards the outcome.

I realize you will all come back with wife, kids, etc as to why you bother, and I get all that. But in some ways it's like you are only going to have so much time, why spend it dealing with the negative feedback if it's not going to make a difference?

One of the things I did bring up was that in one of the threads this past few weeks it became clear to me that not taking care of yourself is just a form of suicide (much like TC and forgoing a VSE). I've taken that to heart and am doing my best to stay engaged in this fight and stay on top of things. We'll see how it goes, but I felt today like I made some real progress in identifying wtf is wrong with me that makes me apathetic about things. In identifying why many times I don't feel valued or appreciated. In identifying why I don't think anyone cares (I've covered this in other related threads).

I feel like a lot of things that have happened in the past 6 months have put me in a much better place mentally and given me more motivation to battle through this, including EFest and staying involved here, and the people I've met here, and I'd like to thank you all.

The battle rages on...

[aliantha]

Rob --

Is Guardians the one with the Raccoon? Its getting good reviews.

Yup, that's the one. And the reviews are well-deserved.

I try to limit the number of hours I take for dr. appointments so I can have more vacation time. Our benefits don't differentiate between sick leave and vacation -- it's all PTO (paid time off). But I went back to seeing my old doctor after getting frustrated with the care I was receiving at the last place, and she's twice as far from my office. So if the appointment's in the middle of the day, that blows the whole day for me.

[rdhopeca]

Rob --

Same to you, and thanks

[Avatar]

..."what's the point"...

...I realize you will all come back with wife, kids, etc as to why you bother...

There's no point. But that doesn't mean it's not worth doing. I think life is sweet, the world is amazing, and I want to experience and enjoy as much of it as I can, because this is the only chance I have.

People don't get what they want, they don't get what they deserve or need. They only get what they get.

It's up to us to make of it what we will. Joy is in the ears that hear.

--A

[lorin]

So after a seven month absence, on the advice of my diabetes specialist, I returned to therapy today. It was an odd session, but not coincidentally, I came out of today in a pretty good mood. It was so, well, therapeutic to air some of my frustrations in a way that was productive.

For those of you who don't know, I struggle with diabetes, mostly around my frustration with the amount of personal care required to battle the disease, a battle I am slowly but surely losing. It's been 12 years since I was diagnosed. At one time I posted here about my frustrations with going on insulin and Jenn leveled me with a right cross (deservedly so).

One of the main frustrations with the disease is that it is constant failure. Nothing is so demotivating as doing everything you should for a day and then do a blood sugar test and have it be bad. The constant negative feedback is so draining. A few months ago I thought I had a great 3 months and went in and tests showed no improvement. At that point I was like "why bother???"

So, the therapy is intended to figure out why I have such a compliance problem. Today my therapist had me basically "talk to myself" and the word we came up with was "resignation", as in, sort of a "what's the point", or "resigned to your fate". So not only am I battling diabetes, I am also battling apathy towards the outcome.

I realize you will all come back with wife, kids, etc as to why you bother, and I get all that. But in some ways it's like you are only going to have so much time, why spend it dealing with the negative feedback if it's not going to make a difference?

One of the things I did bring up was that in one of the threads this past few weeks it became clear to me that not taking care of yourself is just a form of suicide (much like TC and forgoing a VSE). I've taken that to heart and am doing my best to stay engaged in this fight and stay on top of things. We'll see how it goes, but I felt today like I made some real progress in identifying wtf is wrong with me that makes me apathetic about things. In identifying why many times I don't feel valued or appreciated. In identifying why I don't think anyone cares (I've covered this in other related threads).

I feel like a lot of things that have happened in the past 6 months have put me in a much better place mentally and given me more motivation to battle through this, including EFest and staying involved here, and the people I've met here, and I'd like to thank you all.

The battle rages on...

It's 2 am, the pain in my face is raging and it (and the meds) are making me philosophical. I am not sure whether you have type 1 or 2, put imo that makes a big difference in how it effects your attitude toward the disease. I think those with type 1 are born with it and have learned over the years how to cope with a long term illness. They have come to accept the work they have to do to maintain their health. Those with type 2 usually came into the disease later in life, are ill prepared for the work it takes to stay healthy.

I have Type 2. I was emotionally unprepared for all the work it took. I had a lot of guilt because I blamed myself for my lifestyle and causing the onset of the disease. I was unprepared for the 'handicap' of the 4x a day injections, the pills, the monitoring etc. But here's the kicker. I was also unaware of the control I had of my disease. It took me quite a while to begin to allow myself to enjoy the successes. I have quite a few suggestions regarding managing the disease but not sure this is the forum for it.

So, at this point I have managed to go from 4x a day insulin and 450 sugar to about 100 and diet controlled. But I know the disease is always in the shadows and it is terrifying. Especially for someone like me with my propensity toward self destruction. Recognizing that tendency in yourself is half the battle. Then recognizing/ discovering that you actually do have some control over the progression is the other half.

I once talked to a therapist regarding my desire to self destruct. He said to me, when I talked of harming myself, that I shouldn't be worried about dying, I should be worried about not dying. It is similar with managing your diabetes. Don't worry about not caring for yourself and dying from it, worry about not caring for yourself and not dying, living with the outcome of neglect. And worry about those that would have to care for you and the sentence you place on them.

I know I sound harsh, but it was those harsh words that snapped me back in tow. I say it purely as a fellow sufferer and with affection.

edit to just make clear. Type 1 and type 2 are equally as vicious. I in no way wanted to minimize the things people with Type 1 go through. They have a a whole host of their own challenges.

[rdhopeca]

So after a seven month absence, on the advice of my diabetes specialist, I returned to therapy today. It was an odd session, but not coincidentally, I came out of today in a pretty good mood. It was so, well, therapeutic to air some of my frustrations in a way that was productive.

For those of you who don't know, I struggle with diabetes, mostly around my frustration with the amount of personal care required to battle the disease, a battle I am slowly but surely losing. It's been 12 years since I was diagnosed. At one time I posted here about my frustrations with going on insulin and Jenn leveled me with a right cross (deservedly so).

One of the main frustrations with the disease is that it is constant failure. Nothing is so demotivating as doing everything you should for a day and then do a blood sugar test and have it be bad. The constant negative feedback is so draining. A few months ago I thought I had a great 3 months and went in and tests showed no improvement. At that point I was like "why bother???"

So, the therapy is intended to figure out why I have such a compliance problem. Today my therapist had me basically "talk to myself" and the word we came up with was "resignation", as in, sort of a "what's the point", or "resigned to your fate". So not only am I battling diabetes, I am also battling apathy towards the outcome.

I realize you will all come back with wife, kids, etc as to why you bother, and I get all that. But in some ways it's like you are only going to have so much time, why spend it dealing with the negative feedback if it's not going to make a difference?

One of the things I did bring up was that in one of the threads this past few weeks it became clear to me that not taking care of yourself is just a form of suicide (much like TC and forgoing a VSE). I've taken that to heart and am doing my best to stay engaged in this fight and stay on top of things. We'll see how it goes, but I felt today like I made some real progress in identifying wtf is wrong with me that makes me apathetic about things. In identifying why many times I don't feel valued or appreciated. In identifying why I don't think anyone cares (I've covered this in other related threads).

I feel like a lot of things that have happened in the past 6 months have put me in a much better place mentally and given me more motivation to battle through this, including EFest and staying involved here, and the people I've met here, and I'd like to thank you all.

The battle rages on...

It's 2 am, the pain in my face is raging and it (and the meds) are making me philosophical. I am not sure whether you have type 1 or 2, put imo that makes a big difference in how it effects your attitude toward the disease. I think those with type 1 are born with it and have learned over the years how to cope with a long term illness. They have come to accept the work they have to do to maintain their health. Those with type 2 usually came into the disease later in life, are ill prepared for the work it takes to stay healthy.

I have Type 2. I was emotionally unprepared for all the work it took. I had a lot of guilt because I blamed myself for my lifestyle and causing the onset of the disease. I was unprepared for the 'handicap' of the 4x a day injections, the pills, the monitoring etc. But here's the kicker. I was also unaware of the control I had of my disease. It took me quite a while to begin to allow myself to enjoy the successes. I have quite a few suggestions regarding managing the disease but not sure this is the forum for it.

So, at this point I have managed to go from 4x a day insulin and 450 sugar to about 100 and diet controlled. But I know the disease is always in the shadows and it is terrifying. Especially for someone like me with my propensity toward self destruction. Recognizing that tendency in yourself is half the battle. Then recognizing/ discovering that you actually do have some control over the progression is the other half.

I once talked to a therapist regarding my desire to self destruct. He said to me, when I talked of harming myself, that I shouldn't be worried about dying, I should be worried about not dying. It is similar with managing your diabetes. Don't worry about not caring for yourself and dying from it, worry about not caring for yourself and not dying, living with the outcome of neglect. And worry about those that would have to care for you and the sentence you place on them.

I know I sound harsh, but it was those harsh words that snapped me back in tow. I say it purely as a fellow sufferer and with affection.

edit to just make clear. Type 1 and type 2 are equally as vicious. I in no way wanted to minimize the things people with Type 1 go through. They have a a whole host of their own challenges.

I don't think you sound harsh at all. The "realizing the control you have" is part of the struggle that I am dealing with, where you exert that control and still don't get good results or feedback.

I've been given now a Continuous Glucose Monitor. I attach it to my skin. Constant feedback if I want it. My therapist thought I would be pissed to wear it, but to *me*, it takes away the dread of wondering how bad things are going to be at tonight's blood test. I am hopeful this will allow me to be much more aggressive on the attack of my illness.

Btw, I am type 2.

I don't believe I have a tendency to self-destruct. I think the outcome of my apathy might lean that way, so maybe it's semantics in the end. I don't want to actively hurt myself, but I tend to dodge negative consequences due to my personal emotional journey.

And Av, there has to be a point, doesn't there? Otherwise, why do anything?

[Orlion]

And Av, there has to be a point, doesn't there? Otherwise, why do anything?

You decide!

It's actually somewhat liberating, if you ever decide to go that route. Without an external purpose (with its accompanying stresses and second guesses) you can instead focus on what's important to you. In other words, the point exists internally, not externally. You do something because it is important to you and not because it is required by some universal moral/design.

That, of course, is just me.

[Damelon]

At this time I should've been coming down from the Valium taken for the corrective eye surgery I was scheduled for having today, but that surgery was postponed until October 1. Grr. I wanted to get it out of the way.

[aliantha]

That sucks, Damelon.

[sgt.null]

sorry to hear that Damelon.

Sonny and are are living the bachelor life this week as Julie is in Houston taking care of her mom. I've been cooking him chicken gizzards mixed in with chicken hearts. I had steak and mushrooms with corn. been reading comics and will be watching some Lost In Space after signing out here.

[lorin]

At this time I should've been coming down from the Valium taken for the corrective eye surgery I was scheduled for having today, but that surgery was postponed until October 1. Grr. I wanted to get it out of the way.

I sure can understand 'getting it over with'.

[sgt.null]

I now have a new Avatar...

thanks to Ali and Menolly.

[lorin]

I now have a new Avatar...

thanks to Ali and Menolly.

damn.....i was working on one for you.

[aliantha]

Lookin' sharp, Sarge! Happy to help!

[Avatar]

And Av, there has to be a point, doesn't there? Otherwise, why do anything?

You don't have to do anything. I think Orlion pretty much covered the way I look at it too. I find it incredibly liberating.

I don't worry about why things happen, they just do. I don't worry about what I should be doing, I just do what I can or want to or must.

It's always now and we're always here.

--A

[rdhopeca]

And Av, there has to be a point, doesn't there? Otherwise, why do anything?

You don't have to do anything. I think Orlion pretty much covered the way I look at it too. I find it incredibly liberating.

I don't worry about why things happen, they just do. I don't worry about what I should be doing, I just do what I can or want to or must.

It's always now and we're always here.

--A

I guess I can't quite be that existential. I work to support my family. There are other things I do for me but they take a back seat to that (not a complaint, mind you). So it's not quite that simple for me. There has to be a point or a reason, or you're just working for nothing really.

[Avatar]

Working to support your family is fine. The point it that it's a reason _you_chose. All I'm saying is that there is no big over-arching reason that gets imposed on you from the top down. So you can choose your own.

--A