Joke de jeur or however that's spelled...

[Edinburghemma]

Here's one (don't hurt me)

CECIL AND THE POPE

So, this bloke walks into a pub one day and goes up to the bar. Before he can say anything the barman says, "put your money away John, Cecil's already paid for your pint."
"well that's very kind" said John, "i don't even know a Cecil, who is he?"
"thats him, sitting in the corner", says the barman.
So John goes over to thank Cecil for his generosity and Cecil says not at all. They talk for a few minutes before John finally plucks up the courage and says, "I'm really sorry, but i honestly don't remember meeting you before, how do you know who i am?"
"Honest to God, I know everybody in the world!" exclaims Cecil.
"that can't be right!" exclaims John right back at him. "how can you possibly know everyone in the world?"
"Oh but I do! how can i prove it to you?"
"I want to see Tony Blair, so i can tell him what an arse he is, do you know Tony Blair?"
"Oh but of course!" exclaims Cecil.
So Cecil and John take the train down to London town. When they get off the train at King's Cross, John is surprised to see Tony standing there on the platform.
"Hello Cecil! long time no see!" shouts Tony.
Wow!, well now John is shocked, but not convinced that Cecil knows everyone. So John ups the ante.
"Do you know Bill Clinton? Take me to see Bill Clinton!" says John.
Cecil agrees to take John to America to meet Bill Clinton. They go to Heathrow, get on a plane straight to Washington DC, where Bill promptly meets them at the airport, greets Cecil warmly and invites them for a game of golf. John politely refuses as he wants Cecil to prove that he knows even more people.
"who else do you know then, Cecil? I want to meet Fidel Castro!"
Cecil, as he is a very patient man, agrees. They hop back on the plane and head to Havana, where again, Fidel meets them at the airport.
"Welcome to my country, Cecil! it has been far too long!" says Fidel. Cecil hugs him and turns to John,
"So now do you believe me that i know everybody in the world?"
"Well that is certainly impressive", muses John, "but i'm still not entirely convinced. For one last time, take me to Rome to meet the Pope."
Cecil, though tired, agrees. They hop back on the plane and fly all the way to Italy.
This time, nobody meets them at the airport.
"Ha!" says John, "I knew it"
"The Pope is a very elderly man", says Cecil, "We will have to go to meet him, you can't expect him to jump out of his chair to meet me every time i come to town!"
So Cecil and John jump in a taxi and head to the Vatican City.
"Now, John, the Pope is a very busy and pious man, I will have to go inside St Peter's and talk with him, see if he's alright to meet you, is that okay?" John agrees, and waits with the crowds in St Peter's Square.
The next thing he knows, the Pope comes out and stands on his balcony overlooking the square, and stood there right beside him is Cecil!.
"Well I never!" exclaims a shocked John.
"It certainly is a sight" agrees a friendly Swiss Guard who is standing next to him, who just happens to speak English.
"But who's that bloke standing next to Cecil?"

[Bucky OHare]

hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahhahahah

what did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall?

Spoiler

damn it!

[Edinburghemma]

bump, so Ur-vile can read my hysterical cecil joke!

[danlo]

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

[Edinburghemma]

I have them now, hahahahahahahahahaahhar. I always did like crusty, paisley y-fronts.

[Eugen Razvan]

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! very funny!

[ChucklinVlad]

Here's one (don't hurt me)

CECIL AND THE POPE

So, this bloke walks into a pub one day and goes up to the bar. Before he can say anything the barman says, "put your money away John, Cecil's already paid for your pint."
"well that's very kind" said John, "i don't even know a Cecil, who is he?"
"thats him, sitting in the corner", says the barman.
So John goes over to thank Cecil for his generosity and Cecil says not at all. They talk for a few minutes before John finally plucks up the courage and says, "I'm really sorry, but i honestly don't remember meeting you before, how do you know who i am?"
"Honest to God, I know everybody in the world!" exclaims Cecil.
"that can't be right!" exclaims John right back at him. "how can you possibly know everyone in the world?"
"Oh but I do! how can i prove it to you?"
"I want to see Tony Blair, so i can tell him what an arse he is, do you know Tony Blair?"
"Oh but of course!" exclaims Cecil.
So Cecil and John take the train down to London town. When they get off the train at King's Cross, John is surprised to see Tony standing there on the platform.
"Hello Cecil! long time no see!" shouts Tony.
Wow!, well now John is shocked, but not convinced that Cecil knows everyone. So John ups the ante.
"Do you know Bill Clinton? Take me to see Bill Clinton!" says John.
Cecil agrees to take John to America to meet Bill Clinton. They go to Heathrow, get on a plane straight to Washington DC, where Bill promptly meets them at the airport, greets Cecil warmly and invites them for a game of golf. John politely refuses as he wants Cecil to prove that he knows even more people.
"who else do you know then, Cecil? I want to meet Fidel Castro!"
Cecil, as he is a very patient man, agrees. They hop back on the plane and head to Havana, where again, Fidel meets them at the airport.
"Welcome to my country, Cecil! it has been far too long!" says Fidel. Cecil hugs him and turns to John,
"So now do you believe me that i know everybody in the world?"
"Well that is certainly impressive", muses John, "but i'm still not entirely convinced. For one last time, take me to Rome to meet the Pope."
Cecil, though tired, agrees. They hop back on the plane and fly all the way to Italy.
This time, nobody meets them at the airport.
"Ha!" says John, "I knew it"
"The Pope is a very elderly man", says Cecil, "We will have to go to meet him, you can't expect him to jump out of his chair to meet me every time i come to town!"
So Cecil and John jump in a taxi and head to the Vatican City.
"Now, John, the Pope is a very busy and pious man, I will have to go inside St Peter's and talk with him, see if he's alright to meet you, is that okay?" John agrees, and waits with the crowds in St Peter's Square.
The next thing he knows, the Pope comes out and stands on his balcony overlooking the square, and stood there right beside him is Cecil!.

"Well I never!" exclaims a shocked John.
"It certainly is a sight" agrees a friendly Swiss Guard who is standing next to him, who just happens to speak English.
"But who's that bloke standing next to Cecil?"

I think this is the only funny thing that I have ever read. Edinburghemma should be given an award.

[Loredoctor]

Must I give her WGDs?

[CovenantJr]

Wow, that was actually a good joke

[Nathan]

There's a wealthy stockbroker who lives in his large country mansion, he goes to work each day in the morning, comes home each night, enjoys himself, he's content with his life, he wants for nothing.
But one day he comes home from work and his mansion is burnt down and there's a little blue man standing outside with a box of matches and a can of petrol. So he says to the blue man "Did you burn my house down?". But the little blue man just stares at him blankly and runs away.
So the man buys a new house, not quite as large as the old one, but still a cut above the average house, he goes to work every morning, comes home each night, enjoys himself, he's pretty happy and he begins to forget about his mansion burning down.
But one day he comes home from work and his house is burnt down and there's a little blue man standing outside with a box of matches and a can of petrol. So he says to the blue man "Did you burn my house down?". But the little blue man just stares at him blankly and runs away.
So the man buys a new house of about average size, he can't afford one in the country now, so he has to settle for one in the town. He carries on going to work each morning, coming home each night, enjoying himself and after a while he begins to forget about his burnt down houses and the little blue man.
But one day he comes home from work and his house is burnt down and there's a little blue man standing outside with a box of matches and a can of petrol. So he says to the blue man "Did you burn my house down?". But the little blue man just stares at him blankly and runs away.
So the man moves into a flat near the city centre. It's all he can afford now. He goes to work each morning, come home each night, but doesn't enjoy himself, he lives in fear now of having his home burnt down. But as time goes on, the burning down of houses becomes a distant memory and he eventually begins to forget all about burnt down houses and little blue men.
But one day he comes home from work and his flat is burnt down and there's a little blue man standing outside with a box of matches and a can of petrol. So he says to the blue man "Did you burn my house down?". But the little blue man just stares at him blankly and runs away.
So the man is forced to move in with his mum. He goes to work each morning, comes home each night, he lives in abject fear of having the house burnt down. He spends all his free time constructing safety measures to ensure his house won't burnt down, he gets fireproof doors, smoke alarms, sprinklers, the works.
But one day he comes home from work and his mum's house is burnt down and there's a little blue man standing outside with a box of matches and a can of petrol. So he says to the blue man "Did you burn my house down?". But the little blue man just stares at him blankly and runs away.
So he moves into a cardboard box at the railway station, he loses his job as a stockbroker because of his unshaven and dirty look, he goes out begging each morning, comes home at night, lives a miserable existence. Sometimes he contemplates suicide, he barely has enough to eat, but he survives, at least he has his cardboard box.
But one day he comes home from work and his box is burnt down and there's a little blue man standing next to it with a box of matches and a can of petrol. So he says to the blue man "Did you burn my box down?". And the little blue man says "No."

[CovenantJr]

[Nathan]

Indeed. I'm sorry about that, I had the misfortune of hearing it so I thought I'd inflict it upon others too.

[Loredoctor]

You ruined my day.

[dANdeLION]

dumbest. joke. ever.

[Loredoctor]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."



Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You can speak two words."



Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed."



After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.



"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.



On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."



"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.



"It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

[CovenantJr]

Heh, that wasn't too appalling

Indeed. I'm sorry about that, I had the misfortune of hearing it so I thought I'd inflict it upon others too.

I just wondered if I missed something, it didn't seem to make a lot of sense to me.

[Nathan]

it's not supposed to make sense. It's one of those 'jokes' where you sit listening for ages and then the punchline doesn't exist.

[dANdeLION]

One day in his cell in Iraq, Saddam found a bottle and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't
need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Saddam thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white American women
in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning he woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding & Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

[Revan]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, grumbling he gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing"

Not the best joke I've heard... In fact it was probably the worst... but thanks anyways.

indeed, har har har har har (never heard a worse joke) heh heh heh, brilliant (rubbish)

Love the reaction Hierachy!!!

[Loredoctor]

dAN - that is a very funny joke! LOL