Kevin's Watch

Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!! As gorgeous as his mom!!!!!

April 8, 1992 11:53pm

“Prominent business banker Harold Prevetti committed suicide by slitting both wrist late last night--”

Satan won. Evil claimed another.

I choke on this grief. The complete collapse of my heart, my will, my hope for a soul lost. Ah, the arrogance of me, thinking myself so strong, so capable! Dear Father, I failed him, I failed You. I could not drive out the evil which held him!

“Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? There is more hope of a fool than of him.”

“Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight.”

“Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall”

Did I not hear You? Was I deaf to the warnings of Your word? I thought myself so accomplished, skilled, gifted that I could be this man’s saviour! I am none of that. He came to me, Father, he came to me and tempted me and sickened me. And I did NOTHING to ease his inner suffering. I did NOTHING to drive out the evil that had overtaken his soul. And now, Oh Father, now he is lost to Satan.

I am not deserving of Your trust. I am inadequate, unqualified to do Your work. All my lofty thoughts of saving lost souls. Who am I to think I could accomplish such greatness? Did I think I was You?

Oh, sweet mercy. I tremble, my pen feels foreign to my hand. My failure is so full in my face that I can not see the light of Heaven. My smallness is shrinking me down to nothing. Were I the palest of all stars, I would go out and be at end in darkness.

Furls Fire wrote:Eric, I have one more entry to share about Harold, but in that one Stephen doesn't talk to him. It's an entry he wrote after he found out Harold commited suicide. It's not a "good" entry, because in it, Stephen is very hard on himself for "failing" Harold and God. When I said Harold almost cost Stephen his faith, this is the entry I was talking about.

Yes, I understand now. Stephen's only true crisis that we've seen here, and it comes from himself. But then, who can test any of us more thoroughly than ourselves? Stephen was being too hard on himself. He often was, if never to this degree. But as you say, it helped shape how he was with Nathan and others.

Wow. I just finished reading the thread... started yesterday from page 1... I understand what people were saying when they had nothing to say...so much I want to respond to, the experience of getting to know Shadowlurker, wondering about him, then finding out about him, getting to know him more, and then his passage... Stephen, Nathan...Harold, everything, it's just been so much. I feel almost like I've been intruding, getting to know those of you that posted here most often, Furls, Duchess, Fist and Faith...
I have been blessed without question for having been able to read this thread, be acquainted at all with this persons life. I'll have to type more later, I'm at work, and it's very unseemly to have my boss see me crying at a computer screen, so I'll flee to the bathroom. But wow... I don't know, my love goes out to you all. It's been a great honor... just wow...

Publish!

Amen, Jem...I've been in here countless times...but I simply cannot find the words. Today, I found myself thinking about Stephen...I don't really know why. Anyway...that's why I'm at the Watch instead of doing my homework right now *rueful grin*...

Furls...*sigh* I wish I had the words. Your daily testimony has been such a blessing to me. You are in my prayers, sister...May God, our wise Father, continue to uphold you and bless you, and may His peace fill you to overflowing every day of your life.

:)

It's always wonderful for me to back here after being gone for a few days and finding such beautiful posts to Stephen's thread.

Jem, Iryssa...God bless you both. I'm so happy that reading Stephen has brought you both joy. I've said this before, your reactions to his spirit are normal, everyone who ever met him was reduced to speechlessness and tears. His light was blinding. If I have one wish for the my friends here at the Watch is that you all could have met him in person and talked with him. His presence was overwhelming.

Eric... HUGGLESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

He was always the hardest on himself. The thought of failing the Father was the hardest for him to bear.

I come to this place
burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
from wars I fought for my own selfish gains

Your my God and my Father
I've accepted Your Son
but my soul feels so empty now
what have I become?

My heart can't see
when I only look at me
my soul can't hear
when I only think of my own fears.

They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
why did I look away from You
how can I speak Your name?

Lord, come with your fire
burn my desires refine me.
Lord, my will has deceived me
please come and free me

Come rescue this child
for I long to be reconciled to You.

Peace,

Tracie

Often the people I have met who have been given a special gift are often the ones who are hardest on themselves -- much harder on themselves than anyone else would ever be on them.

Stephen did not fail. It was Harold's life, and the choice was his in the end, both in living it the way he did, and in ending it in that way...

Stephen showed him that there are other options, other answers. I do not know what else or what more he could have done...

So very true, Duchy. It took Stephen a long time to realize that truth, forgive himself, as though there was anything for him to be forgiven for. He was so young when this encounter with Harold happened and as wise as he was, he still could not cope with the idea that he had failed God. Whether he actually did or not, he believed he did at the time. And that nearly broke him.

I love that pic of Stevie Mom's right, he's happy all a time, except when he's hungry. Then he turns into "screaming Stephen"! He has no patience...LOL! But, what baby does???

My Uncle said this to me a few years ago.

"Don't wish these days away, Brooke. For these are the days where anything is possible. While you are a child, your eyes and ears are at their clearest and your mind drinks in all wonders they behold."

I look at my baby brother, and watch him discover the world around him, and I think...Uncle Steve, you were so right.

It was this time last year that I began my persistant badgering of Isaiah to come live with us. Most don't know how much time I spent on the phone trying to convince him that he needed to be here.

A whole year. Time flies. And Isaiah has passed on. My daughter has passed on. What a year, I gained and lost so much in it. I have a heavy heart today. I miss my brother, I miss Isaiah (who is also my brother), I miss my daughter, even tho she was only with us a short time. Yet, I have soooooooooo much to be grateful for and happy about. And I am happy, but sad at the same time. No one can replace the members of my family that have gone on. I am sad for myself, not them. But still...

It was so interesting to me, going through this whole thread in about 2 days. It felt almost intrusive, reading so many personal thoughts from the people who've posted here, especially you and fist. This is the kind of thing that brings a community together. Keep doing the good work, you are an example of what love can do for people.
May your heart be less heavy!

Furls ---

Oh Tracie...

What consolation can I offer? The best I can do is along the lines of what I told Claire a while ago. Your heart has more reason to break than anyone I know because of the heights of love that you are willing and able to go to. If you couldn't love as you do, you wouldn't get hurt, either. And nobody loves like you do!! I wish I could take away your pain. The best I can do is envy your capacity for it. But that's ok, because, eventually, your love overpowers all.

I've never observed a force that real love couldn't overcome. I think it is the sole (or soul) guide to positive human behaviour. You are a shining example of it, and you seem to spread love like it just pours off of you. You should keep a folder of wonderful things that people have said about you, and when you get sad, or feel like you're not as strong as the goals you've set for yourself, go and read it. It'll probably remind you that you do impossible things all the time

Works for me, anyway.

Thank you Jem, Duchy and Fist

I love you all

I know it's been a long time since I posted an entry. I finally got one typed up. This one, always brings me to tears. My brother's beauty...

Ah, my heart...

We are one.

November 18, 2000 1:12am

Ah, how the beauty of some dreams expel the breath from me. What glorious gifts the Lord bestows. I walked along the River’s edge and the radiant light of Heaven shown all about me, wrapping me in it’s divine comfort. My body whole, my eyes all seeing, my heart full. My feet bare and about my shoulders a garment stitched with grace, absorbing the colors and fragrances surrounding it. It made me holy.

I wanted to run along Jordan’s edge and taste the wind. Run, for in life I no longer can. I wanted to splash into the River and feel its cool waters on my body, feel the power of its healing. Yet, I did not come there for healing, and knew I must only walk. My eyes, drinking in the beauty about me, searched. For, I came to meet someone. Who? I did not know, only that he would come. I came to a small bend in the River and above the shore was a grove of pale trees. Their leaves seemed to be sparkle silver in the light of Heaven. And there he was, standing among them and I felt my heart leap. He was me. He was tall, his blond hair hung about his shoulders, his eyes looked down on me with such love, I fell to my knees. He was me. Me, as I will be in Heaven. He beckoned to me with his hand and his voice resounded in my head. “Don’t kneel before me, Stephen. Rise. We are one, in body and spirit. What you see before you is you as you will be.”

I stood up, my legs wanting to fail me. I felt my illness surge through my body once more. “I will be whole.”

“Oh yes, and you will be great.”

“I don’t wish to be great, I only wish to be with the Father.”

“He knows. And in making such a wish, living with such a desire, has made you great. Do you honestly not know these things?”

“No.” I fell once more, my legs weak, my heart laboring, my lungs closing once again.

He came down and lifted me back to my feet. I felt his strength course through my body then, his grace filled my soul. He was holy. I looked into my own eyes. I drank in his face, my face. And he smiled. “Stephen, you have lived a life of love, of hope, of faith, of divinity. A life full of suffering and pain. A life where you never placed yourself in higher regard of others. You have lived a life of humility, a life of grace. You are a child of the Father. Do you not see how it is that here, you will be great?”

“You are showing me.” I said then. And he laughed. He laughed and it was music, sweet sweet music.

“We are one, body and spirit. This is the part that has always dwelt here, Stephen. This mirror you see right now. We are one.”

“When can I come?”

His smile faded, and his eyes became sad. “Not yet.” Then he pulled me into an embrace. Strong and tender. “Soon, Stephen. I know you long for ending. I know you desire rest. Not yet. You must endure a bit longer.”

I could not help myself, I began to weep and moaned out, “why?” He held me tighter, stroked the back of my head.

“You know why. Your work is not yet done.”

“What more can I do? I have no more strength, my body weakens, my eyes are going blind. There is nothing left.”

I felt him flinch with sudden ire. And he pulled me back so I looked into his face, my face. His eyes flashed with brief pain, then soothed back to gentleness. “If there were nothing left, you would not be here with me now. Do you question the Will of the Father?”

“No. No, I only wish to understand.”

“There is nothing to understand. It is not yet your time to come. That is all you need to know. The rest will come when it will.”

I nodded. “Forgive me.”

“Stephen, I am you. I can only forgive you if you forgive yourself. There is nothing to forgive. We are one, I feel your pain. And I know your desires. Understanding will come to you.”

“Yes, Stephen. It will come to me.”

And he smiled, he smiled and watched me go.

I now write this with the vision of him still etched in my soul. He was the promise I had been seeking. The answer I longed for. Will I be with the Father at the end? Yes. He showed me that.

It's nice to see Stephen happy.


Tangent...
There was an episode of St. Elsewhere where Howie Mandell got shot and died. When he got to Heaven, he asked to talk to God. They said, "Sure. Wait here." A minute later, another Howie Mandell comes up to him, and says, "You wanted to see me?"
Howie was like, "Uh... You're God?? God looks like me??"
"Sure. What should I look like?"

hugglesssss Fist.

I remember that episode of St Elsewhere, that was a good show.

I posted this entry of Stephen's last year and thought I would do it again this year. He was 16 at the time.

Merry Christmas everyone. May the light of this time of peace fill your hearts. May the coming year be one of joy. And may all your dreams come true.

God bless us, everyone.