Kevin's Watch

I can very much relate to that. I am much more afraid of my body lingering on like an empty shell that has forgotten to stop breathing than I am of actual body death.

Stephen's words sum up my own fear of losing my mind--my sense of myself. That is why I find something like Alzheimer's disease to be so especially horrifying: it attacks the very soul of who you are.

As to dying...well, I admit I have a cowardly attitude, in contrast to folks like Stephen, because I do fear death, though it's more of an abstract kind of fear at my present stage in life. I think I'd fear dying more if I knew it was going to be painful ; if I knew beforehand that my death would be free of pain, then I wouldn't worry as much. But that's the rub, isn't it? How can one know how one will die?

Thanks for another great journal entry, Furls.

I've been thinking about mortality and passing on alot lately. Having cancer does that to you I guess. Yet, being so close to so many people with AIDS you would think that mortality and passing would always be on my mind. Especially after Stephen passed, and Lynne, and Isaiah, and Zia. But it wasn't really, it was more of relief for them, they were no longer suffering and had gone on to a place sooooooo much better than this. My own mortality has never really gripped me, consumed my mind like it does now. And I don't fear it, I know where I will go when the time comes. But, what I do fear is this...If I leave now or in the near future...what is to happen to my family? My wonderful husband and my 11 children?

Like Stephen did, I've been walking between worlds lately. I'm visited frequently by those who have passed on, people I knew in this life, from the time I was a child until now. They come to me smiling and reaching out their hands. I find myself at times beyond my physical body, walking in a place that is so full of glory and light. I've been there before, many times, but now when I go...I long to stay. And the whispers of the Angels are much stronger now, I can make out what they say and my soul soars.

And I don't fear pain. Pain I've had, pain will go and it will come, and I will take it as it comes and pray for the strength to endure it. Like my brother did. I know that God will help me, hold me during that time. There's a kind of joy in knowing that and it dispells the fear.

I fear what he feared, the lingering, the lurking, the wasting away in non-conciousness. I fear being kept from stepping across into Heaven. I fear a non existence in darkness away from God's light. Like Stephen, I fear being caught in between, neither here or there. It was this fear that prompted me to post that entry. Short as it is, it says so much, my brother wasn't one to waste words.

When he comes to me now, I feel he is holding something back from me. I get the impression that he tells me things I want to hear, not what I really need to hear. And when I ask him about them, he just waves the questions off and smiles. That smile is so glorious now, it always sends me to my knees. Stephen is wondrous to behold now. What he is now...no words can adequately describe. I won't even try.

Ah Tracie, you do babble on and on. This sort of thing is better kept to your journals and not thrown up on the net. Well, I just thought this would be the place to express it. Since this is Stephen's place too. I know I don't make sense, it is hard to put such thoughts into words and have it come out comprehensible. But, it doesn't hurt to try.

Peace

I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.

~Charles C. Finn

When I die, I will not see myself die, for the first time.

~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

~Friedrich Nietzche

only that I have no adequate words, or place to say them from....

Welcome to Stephen's thread Esmer.

*bows*

It seems that I have frightened everyone away.

I feel you merely outshine us all completely, Furl's Fire. If we are afraid of anything in your presence, it is of inadequacy.

In truth Furls, you have made many of us worried about your health. If your ears have been burning, its because there have been many PM's flying about the past few days expressing love and concern for you behind your back.

We love you, after all.

And we all hope you are on the road to recovery? And we are all afraid of asking. You mean a great deal to many of us.

What Duchess said.

Duchess speaks truly.

HUGGLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh crikey

I never intended for my ramblings to get everyone all worried about me. That's the last thing I want. I'm very sorry about that. And now that I re-read that post, I realize fully why it caused so much worry. I love you guys, very much, your my second family here. And like in most families, it is very difficult to hide things.

Truth is, my doctors keep finding more cancer. And I understand why it is happening to me. I asked to take on my son's pain, I prayed that his pain be transferred to me. And on that glorious day in Rome, it happened. Naaem no longer has AIDS, he isn't even HIV positive anymore...I have claimed the burden now.

It is very hard being the strong one for so long and then suddenly needing someone to hold you up. Takes some getting used too. And you know, Stephen was always strong, even thru the worst of it, he never broke. I understand better too, the fight Isaiah put up before finally giving into his overwhelming need and come to us 2 years ago (can you all believe it's been two years?). I've always been the strong one, the one people turned too. Now, I find myself, at times, feeling quite helpless. My faith keeps me from falling apart, and my beautiful family of course. But, sometimes, I find myself just barely able to keep it together.

But, today was a good day. There are so many reasons to smile, (I have 11 of them). And...Christmas is coming. (Chelsea has already broken out the Chipmucks Christmas CD)

I love you all, every one here is so very special to me. Please please don't worry about me. All is well today...and tomorrow...well I pray it will be like today.

HUGGLESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Well crikey right back atcha! We love you, and we're gonna worry about you. And that's the end of that.

But we know how you view this kind of thing, so at least we're not upset that you're living in fear. So maybe that will ease your mind.

LOL! I'm not living in fear. ya goof!

Exactly. And so I don't worry as much about you as I would otherwise.

I should probably stop doing posts like that, they upset everyone

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


Marianne Williamson
This quote is often erroneously attributed to Nelson Mandela.

Maybe it will not matter that I was here at all. I know I am infinitesimal in the greater scheme of the universe. I’ve often wondered what purpose there is to living life. Oh, I know I’m not the first to ask that! That question is as old as life itself. But, in this life, to each given, what is meant by it? Are we all born to purpose, destiny? If we are and we somehow fail in it, what happens to the soul? Will I have time enough to succeed in mine? Or will I die in the middle of some mad search for it? Or, perhaps I will not have to search at all, just only stand still, and wait for it to find me.

Of all the words I've ever read that have inspired me, Stephen's came to me at a time when they made more sense than any others before, but made the others make more sense too. Especially the last line.

Esmer

Or, perhaps I will not have to search at all, just only stand still, and wait for it to find me.

Stephen was very wise.

Furls Fire wrote:
I should probably stop doing posts like that, they upset everyone

Knowledge is better than ignorance Furls.

In our thoughts.

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