Legacy: A very short story for the Anthology.

[aTOMiC]

Removed by author. To be revised.

[hierachy]

Wow!!

That was a very exiting battle. I just wish I knew a bit more about the events leading up to it. There were implications of a very good story preceding it. I would very much like to read more of your stuff clear.

[aTOMiC]

Thanks very much hierachy. I wrote this a few years ago as a scene crafting exercise. Its not deep and there isn’t enough room for character development but I think it paints a picture. In the past few years I’ve found the Orison character intriguing enough to want to explore him further. Perhaps an expanded re write. Getting feedback from another author is very helpful.

[hierachy]

Are you accusing me of being an auther?
maybe one day, but not yet.

[I'm Murrin]

I may not have the imagination to be a writer myself (I'm fine with the writing, its the story I can't do), but I still know good work when I see it, and you're definately good.
I, also, would like to see this as part of a longer story - it has some elements to it that would make a good novel, if you could manage to extend the story that far.

[aTOMiC]

Thanks very much Murrin. I'm working on a story that may have scope enough for a double novel. That story is fairly consuming of my thoughts. I agree that fleshing out the back-story to the conclusion I present in Legacy might be fun if I can find the time. I have committed some of my time to contributing to the Anthology that Hierachy has proposed. If the consensus is that Legacy is the most appropriate entry to that project I may tackle a re write soon.

[Skyweir]

The Legacy

Though he was nearly caught off guard, Orison withstood the initial attack from his former mentor but was forced to one knee while the stone beneath his feet was nearly shattered to rubble. The blistering heat from the energy he repelled singed his long black hair and the tight swirl of his beard. The tattered remains of his tunic hung down to his thighs in ragged blackened strips. Though his mortal strength was considerable, it was Orison’s innate skill as a sorcerer that allowed him to withstand such a lethal barrage. His thick muscular arms and legs trembled with fatigue while he struggled back to his feet. In spite of his mounting weakness Orison stubbornly fought to steady himself against the tremors that threatened to send him plunging over the edge of the nearby precipice. The mystic defense had quickly shaped at the last moment, sparked and sputtered with bluish energy but was held steady by the nearly inexhaustible force of his will.

Daemon stood upon an outcropping of stone high above the cliff edge that Orison franticly struggled to keep from collapse.

this is confusing to me .. how did he keep the outcropping of stone high above the cliff that he was standing on from collapsing? is daemon above him on the outcropping .. and he on the cliff below? i am a little confused about the postioning of the characters here .. does this describe what you want it to describe?

He towered over his opponent glaring hatred like a weapon. His long white hair and beard hung from his head like the moss of an ancient oak. The wrinkled lines of his face crackled down his withered cheeks as a vivid depiction of his ancient and intricate life. His gray, red-rimmed eyes burned with abhorrence that seemed to radiate his loathing from the depths of his tortured spirit. Stark against the azure sky his ebony robes seemed to flutter in the wind like the vulturine wings of death.

i like this expression the last time you used it too

"Little man! Hear you Orison, you will not live to see the blight I will cast upon your beloved world but rest assured these vermin you protect will suffer as I have suffered and then I will gladly eradicate them all." Daemon cackled like an old crow, his skeletal face was illuminated by the crackling energy he commanded. “How dare you pit your puny powers against those of your betters. I will fry your lifeless corpse to cinders and scatter your filthy ashes to the four winds. You are mine and I will exact payment for the pain you have caused me. I will see to it that your name becomes a blight to all that are unfortunate enough to hear it. You are reviled even now!"

Orison glanced up at Daemon with a look of wild desperation. While forming his defense the younger mage was forced to divide his energies between warding off the attack from above

ahh i think i have it now

and fashioning a steady platform with which he could strike back. He knew all too well that if his attentions were so occupied that he might never get the chance to retaliate. There was no longer an alternative. As subtlety as he was able,

clearly a typos .. subtely

Orison attempted the summoning a thunder strike.

"the summoning of a thunder strike.

The effort was arduous at first and he nearly lost his footing, but he was able to murmur the incantation under his breath without revealing his intentions. Slowly the clouds above the mountain began to coalesce into a thick gray fist. Sporadic flashes of lightning arced within the depths of the storm and peals of thunder rumbled down the rocky slopes and into the distance.

oooh nice .. wonderful imagery!!

Orison had reached the limit of his abilities. He knew the strength of a child could have swept him from his feet and that his time was quickly running out.

Daemon continued to rain dark crimson power down upon his foe. He believed that he was only moments away from victory and had concentrated all his energies toward that end. His face was stretched into the fierce grin of a bloodthirsty madman. Crackling red energy erupted from his fingertips and drove down upon the failing blue shield that was the only obstacle between Daemon and the sweet taste of his final conquest. Once that frail barrier was breached, there would be no relevant opposition to prevent him from exercising the malevolent plans he had shaped over the course of his twisted life. He hungrily envisioned his triumph and he thought he knew his opponent’s abilities all too well. He licked his dry, emaciated lips and craned his thin bony neck to gain the perfect vantage to savor the final killing stroke.

"I have waited long enough. You Orison are about to meet your doom.” A slight frown crept upon Daemon’s craggy face. “You were as a son to me. You were my finest achievement, the culmination of a lifetimes work. Your betrayal was as a sword through a father's beating heart.” Then his eyes widened and he suddenly reared back to gather his power. “Now you will feel suffering unmatched. Prepare yourself maggot. It is time to die!"

LOL .. maggot i love it!!

Orison managed to lift his head and with his last reserve of strength issued a final curse before a massive pulse of crimson force crashed through his defenses hurling him over the side of the cliff. At the same moment a bolt of lightning snaked down from the heavens like a reapers scythe. Daemon screeched wildly as his flailing body was instantly incinerated. His limp form slumped to the ground in a smoking pile of lifeless flesh.

As Orison lay broken and dying on the rocky slopes his final thoughts were of his adopted people. The last mage was departing the earth. Sorcery and its masters would never again plague them. The end of a line of tyrants spanning the past ten thousand years had finally reached its conclusion.

that is very good .. but my inner voice reads .. it like this .."had finally reached its end" .. seems tighter somehow .. but its no biggy either way ..

This was the inevitable outcome he had accepted his entire life but had worked with all his capacity to resist it. When he inevitably began to feel the tug of evil in his heart, a seed planted there by his heritage, he realized he could not be free of his destiny. He embraced his doom and sacrificed himself in the hope that the future world would be free of beings like Daemon and himself. A hope that succeeded with the final beat of his heart.

End

oooh very tight!!! nice!@!!

a question .. defeating daemon seemed at the end unexplained and a little unexpected .. and almost too easy ..

you paint Daemon as a fierce and superior mage .. and yet .. quite suddenly he is out-witted .. with no real explaination of how Orison managed it. Is this how you intended it to be? if so .. ok .. but it is a little odd imho ..

secondly .. it is a fabulous ending .. i really like Orisons internal dialogue .. here .. he explains his surrendering to his fate .. and how his sacrifice aids the greater good of the world .. I liked this dialogue .. though i was surprised that Orison was a part of that evil that .. the seemingly antagonist represented.

i think you could tighten up the battle scene to explain the competing forces more .. and how Orison actually defeated the other guy ..

again .. your writing is lovelly to read .. you coin the most delightful of phrases and sentences .. i have bolded the ones i particularly liked ..

a pleasure to read .. now i must go to bed .. will read the rest of your work another day ..

i look forward to it

[aTOMiC]

a question .. defeating daemon seemed at the end unexplained and a little unexpected .. and almost too easy ..

you paint Daemon as a fierce and superior mage .. and yet .. quite suddenly he is out-witted .. with no real explaination of how Orison managed it. Is this how you intended it to be? if so .. ok .. but it is a little odd imho ..

secondly .. it is a fabulous ending .. i really like Orisons internal dialogue .. here .. he explains his surrendering to his fate .. and how his sacrifice aids the greater good of the world .. I liked this dialogue .. though i was surprised that Orison was a part of that evil that .. the seemingly antagonist represented.

i think you could tighten up the battle scene to explain the competing forces more .. and how Orison actually defeated the other guy ..

again .. your writing is lovelly to read .. you coin the most delightful of phrases and sentences .. i have bolded the ones i particularly liked ..

a pleasure to read .. now i must go to bed .. will read the rest of your work another day ..

i look forward to it

Again thanks very much for the read and review.
The typos, ah the typos. When will microsoft word simply read minds and apply the proper grammar? Ahhhh... when?
Daemon is wholly consumed by his supposed inevitable victory that he does not notice Orison's calling of the thunderstrike. In his mind Orison is not his equal but a mere ungrateful pupil. Daemon's downfall is his overconfidence prompted by his "I've taught him all he knows." mentality. By all accounting, Orison has his hands full with an incantation keeping the stone beneath his feet steady and fending off Daemon’s frontal attack at the same time. Orison manages to call down a bolt of lightning at the last possible moment before he is literally blown off the side of the mountain.

[hierachy]

Yeah, I had no trouble understanding that.
I loved the concept, it is a brilliant piece of writting clear.

[dANdeLION]

Daemon stood upon an outcropping of stone high above the cliff edge that Orison franticly struggled to keep from collapse.

this is confusing to me .. how did he keep the outcropping of stone high above the cliff that he was standing on from collapsing? is daemon above him on the outcropping .. and he on the cliff below? i am a little confused about the postioning of the characters here .. does this describe what you want it to describe?[/b][/u].

I think I have the answer to this, loosely quoted from Harry Callihan: "To tell you the truth, I kinda forgot myself. So you have to ask yourself 'do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" As you can clearly see from this, Daemon is on the outcropping above the crumbling cliff that Orison is keeping together with his magic. The cliff is crumbling due to the force of Daemon's attack. It's really hard to picture things sometimes. I'm hoping the movie comes out soon....As for myself, I wonder if "franticly" should instead be spelled "frantically". Otherwise, I think sky did a great job of spellchecking.

i like this expression the last time you used it too

You may be saying that a lot in the future. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though, as literary repitition can help familiarize the reader with the writer.

[aTOMiC]

i like this expression the last time you used it too

You may be saying that a lot in the future. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though, as literary repitition can help familiarize the reader with the writer.

Thanks for the comments dAN. I agree with you. "you are fey and anile."

[dANdeLION]

Thanks for the comments dAN. I agree with you. "you are fey and anile."

Well, proper upbringing and lots of grain in your diet will do it every time.

[Skyweir]

oh lol .. i had no intention to criticise this work negatively at all

i had hoped this was constructive and that you actually wanted opinion and feedback ..



i actually enjoyed it

[aTOMiC]

Sky, Ignore dAN. He spends a great deal of effort poking sarcastic fun. Neither I, nor dAN felt that you were being anything but constructive. Thanks Again for your comments. That is exactly the kind of help I need developing my skills. These short stories are my playground. I'm seriously trying to write a novel and any help I can get with my narratives would be apprecieated.

[I'm Murrin]

I agree with Skyweir - 'Finally reached its end' is more... final.

Just want to say, I think 'maggot' is a little too much. I don't even know the character yet and it still seems out of character with the rest of it...

[Landwaster]

Cool story! Very climactic! Good stuff, clear!

I consider conclusion and end to equally serve in this case.

Also, it feels really good stand-alone. The placement of Orison's thoughts re exterminatin' the 'ornery mages is perfect to me. If you had a whole story leading up to it, that explanation would no longer be well-placed.

Theyr'e right about 'frantically', too, I'm sure.

[Skyweir]

I agree with Skyweir - 'Finally reached its end' is more... final.

Just want to say, I think 'maggot' is a little too much. I don't even know the character yet and it still seems out of character with the rest of it...

actually as whimsical as it is .. it does smack of some level of intimacy between the 2 characters .. which i guess would exist on some level but hasnt been drawn out in the text ..

i think Murrin has a good point.

you may want to mull over this a bit .. and thanks for clarifying that misunderstanding of mine lol

[aTOMiC]

Thanks very much for reading the story, Land. And for you comments. As for the Maggot... Though I clearly see both Murrin and Sky's point, in my mind that kind of comment is very consistent with Daemon's language. I guess you'd have to know that guy. He's a real jerk if you ask me. hahahah.

[Skyweir]

ahh well theres the flaw then .. how does the reader acquire this knowledge?

is this a later chapter of an greater work? mayhap we have read this out of its designated sequence?

if so .. right you are

lol .. but if not .. you might want to think about enlightening the reader ..

and actually I can see Daemon being a real jerk lol

[Skyweir]

but not from this short work .. but from his use of the term .. "maggot"