Fleeting inspiration-part II

[hierachy]

Ok, so here's part 2.Any comments/reviews warmly recieved (inc. bad ones). I personaly think this is better than part 1, but you can decide for yourselves so without further ado, I bring to you:
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Part 2: The Resistance

The darkness was as complete and final as it ever was. The voice called again, Rifen span towards it but could see nothing. Even in it’s faintness, the sound radiated importance. Again it tried to shout. He strained impossibly to make out the words; they were beyond his grasp.

‘What is it?’ he shouted into the darkness. ‘What are you trying to tell me?’

The disembodied voice seemed to reply in its incomprehensibility.

For some reason unknown to himself, he was desperate to understand, but it was futile. Defeated he let himself fall to the ground; but even that was impossible. As he fell directions shifted, gravity distorted, the darkness changed and he fell into an upright position.

Panic swelled inside him, and he let out a piercing cry. ‘What is this place?’

He could not understand how anything could be so empty; no wonder the voice was empty and absent, it seemed impossible that a sound could even exist in this place. It could not be real. The voice taunted him again, just out of hearing. He must be dreaming. Yes! Just a dream. Now he remembered, he had dreamt the same thing before. Just before Mariana had found him he had heard the same distant voice, wondered the same darkness.

With no further thought, he tried to force his senses back into reality. Slowly the darkness began to fade. The world began to materialise around him. Just before the darkness vanished completely, the voice tried desperately to be heard, grappling its way to his eras; he caught just one word “Dervan”.

With a gasp he thrust up into the morning light. Birds sang in the distance, the smell of spring danced in the air, the grass felt springy under his body. Behind him Mariana’s house stood sturdy and strong, with a sigh of relief, he turned towards it.

Grivin sat on the floor of a carriage. He judged by the way it bounced around that it was travelling at considerable speed. Three of the silver clothed men sat opposite him, their expressions revealed nothing of their purpose. He strained desperately to move, but the spell that held him did not fail.

‘I’m gonna tear you apart!’ he roared at them; they did not appear to hear him. ‘Listen to me!’ he commanded. ‘Your dead, your all dead.’

One of the figures raised his head; a demented smile warped his face. ‘Indeed.’ He said with a twisted tone of humour.

Grivin struggled once more to free himself of his invisible shackles. Exhausted by the futility of his position, he gave in. He wondered what was going on. What the importance of that boy was. And how the boy had come back from unconsciousness to flee from the first group of silver men, he suddenly seemed to radiate power. It did not seem to make sense. What made even less sense was what the men wanted with him, Grivin.

The fourth silver figure shouted back from the front of the carriage. ‘I have received word from Zerem; he and his company are a day and night ahead of us, they will reach the Unawakened by mid-afternoon.’ The powerful voice was tense with anticipation.

Received word? Thought Grivin. I didn’t hear any talking, we haven’t even stopped.

Questions streamed through Grivin’s mind, but he shrugged them off. He had never been too worried about finding answers; his answer was violence, and right now he was almost bursting with the need to answer his captors.

Just you wait, he thought, just you bloody wait.


Rifen’s head was almost healed, and his strength had returned. He and Mariana had just finished eating lunch.

‘You should get some more rest,’ she said with a voice full of kindness. ‘I’m going to get some water from the well a couple of fields west.’

‘No, I’ve rested enough, I’ll get the water.’ He replied. He was eager to repay her for what she had done for him.

She examined him with her eyes. ‘Thank you Rifen,’

For a moment he did not move, he stood staring into her eyes, but then he tore his vision away from her. He could not get over her beauty. The door closed lightly behind him and he started across the springy green grass. Which way was west? He gauged the afternoon sun, made his decision, and turned to walk in that direction.

Mariana watched him go, watched until he was tiny with distance. She could not understand him, or his effect on her. She had only just met him, but she trusted him completely. Evan though his story was suspicious and hard to believe, she felt sure that he was telling the truth. Something about him played with her emotions.

She lost herself in thought, wondered in her daydreams. She did not hear the horses approach her house, did not notice their silver riders. A loud smash ripped her from the wonders of her imagination; five silver figures poured through the doorway, the heavy oak door lay smashed on the floor. The group consisted of three women and two men. Mariana was held still by her terror. Killers dressed in silver; had they returned to finish the job?

One of the trespassers steeped forward. He had pure white hair that reached halfway down his back. His eyes looked like holes in space, vortexes to another dimension. He held himself in a stance that suggested invincibility, supremacy.

‘Where is the boy?’ his voice was cold and hard, and final.

Mariana could not answer, trepidation paralysed her.

‘Where is the boy?’ his tone hinted that it would not be a good idea to make him ask a third time.

But Mariana had lost the use of her body. The silver robed man’s voice demanded being heard, and in her mind she responded. What boy? Rifen? What do you want with him? Didn’t you people do enough eight years ago?

One of the silver women spoke, before the foremost could act again. ‘ I sense him,’ she said. ‘It is true that he has been here, but now he is to the west, no more than ten minute’s walk.’

‘I sense this too,’ seconded one of the others.

All the intruders looked towards their white hared leader. In silent agreement they turned, and left the house as quickly as they had arrived.

For a moment Mariana remained rigid, but then their purpose struck her like a knife. Rifen! She would not make the same mistake twice; she had to stop them. With a scream of rage she broke her immobility and threw her body after the silver robed invaders.

She hurtled out of the door and across the grass, towards the silver robes. As she came close behind them the white hared man spun around. ‘Halt!’ he commanded in a voice that could not be disobeyed.

‘You killed my parents,’ she screamed. ‘And I’m not going to let you kill anyone else.’

‘And how are you going to stop us?’ retorted the white hared figure. ‘What can a mere girl do to me, Zerem of the Galemight?’

Mariana searched herself for the strength to answer, but Zerem’s voice was too powerful. ‘That’s what I thought,’ he taunted. ‘You will delay us no further.’ he turned to one of his companions. ‘Dispose of her.’

Mariana watched dumbly as one of the silver robed women stepped forward and raised a clawed hand towards her. The women stood no closer than three meters from Mariana but her building power was almost palpable. Out of nothing a flame sprang into life in the Galemight woman’s grasp. At first it was just a flicker, but it grew steadily stronger until it was a raging inferno that engulfed her hand. Her silver robe lit up in reflected red; her face was aflame with fiery glee.

Mariana could take no more; she flung her arms around her face and fell to her knees. Although she had blocked out the sight of her impending doom she still felt the air crackling with power.

A shrill scream stabbed the air as the power erupted. Roars of pain scorched the air, but Mariana felt nothing. Slowly, she lowered her arms, fearing what she might see. An inferno blazed in front of her. All the figures fell to the ground in a heap of flames that drowned out the sun. The closest, the woman who had summoned the flame lay face down, completely engulfed in her flame, an arrow was sticking out of her back. Intuition flooded her mind. When the arrow had struck the woman she must have lost control of her magic, it exploded in her face and took her companions with her. But where had the arrow come from? Squinting through the searing flames Mariana saw the answer. A large band of warriors walked around the flames; Rifen walked among them. It was clear that the warriors had seen many battles; their robes and tunics were tattered and ripped, their swords were chipped and splintered, and many of them wore injuries like testaments.

Rifen fought his way from the group and rushed to Mariana’s side. ‘Are you hurt?’ he panted. ‘What did they do to you?’ concern knotted his face.

‘I’m okay, they didn’t hurt me.’

Some of the warriors positioned themselves around the diminishing flames, searching for movement.

A middle-aged man with a balding head and an ageing but still powerful figure shouted a command. ‘We must leave this place,’ he had a powerful voice.

The flames had almost burnt out, only one patch still burned furiously.

‘No, it’s too late,’ shouted one of the warriors indicating a burnt patch of ground.

Mariana looked at the patch of ground. There was movement! One of the Galemight staggered to their feet; their silver clothes had been burnt clean off, and their skin was blackened with chunks of charred flesh hanging off, only held by thin strands of skin. Then, the rest of the Galemight began to rise, all except Zerem who was nowhere to be seen. The grotesque sight made Mariana’s guts heave. Behind them, one patch of ground still burned like an inferno, symbolising their rage. A blue pulse fired from one of the Galemight’s demented fingers, it flew towards a warrior, but he was quick to react. He summoned his own power, there was a blinding flash of green and blue, then the attackers power was extinguished.

The warriors rushed into position. Arrows plunged down on the crippled Galemight. Blasts of power screamed over the ravaged ground. Some of the warriors positioned themselves in front of the main group and used their sorcery to parry the Galemight’s attacks. Slowly, the Galemight weakened. The arrows dug deeply into their flesh, the blasts of sorcery smashed into their already weakened bodies. They had almost been destroyed by the initial blast, the warriors were just finishing them off. But as the last Galemight fell the fire raging behind suddenly exploded into life, it rose from the ground. At it’s centre stood Zerem.

Mariana almost choked at the sight. Amidst the flame and fury Zerem was untouched. His cold white hair dangled freely past his shoulders; his silver robes had not so much as been singed. He stood invincible amongst a tornado of fire.

‘Fools!’ he yelled. ‘Your pathetic effort is to no avail. To think that you may hurt me is folly.’

The warriors had not faltered, they pelted him with a barrage of magic and arrows, but it was useless. Spells cast to tamper with his mind or movement had no effect. Blasts of power appeared to strike him but only seemed to increase the virulence of his fire. Arrows were eaten to ashes by his flames before they could even get close; it was as if he truly was, as he implied, invincible. He walked slowly forward past his fallen comrades like invulnerability incarnate, wrapped in his protective fire, more intense than the sun itself. Still the attack continued, futilely the warriors fought to stop Zerem’s advance. Another volley of arrows was eaten by his rage.

‘Fools,’ he cried in his cold and final voice. ‘I show you your impotence, but still you persist. I tire of your folly. Now taste my power in all it's glory!’

Fiery rage surged from his hand as he swept it towards a group of warriors. The sorcerers among them were quick to counter; they threw their power towards the wall of flame with the whole of their being. But it was no use, in the face of the inferno they were insignificant, wholly unequal. The flaming wall smashed into the warriors with all the finality of its creator; the group was obliterated, thrown back by its searing force, unconscious or dead; Zerem laughed coldly from within his inferno.

Distilled with anger, one of the warriors broke formation. She charged at Zerem with her sword raised; she was vaporised before she covered half the distance. The balding man could take no more. ‘Stop him!’ he yelled full of passion and pain.

For a moment Mariana thought the man was talking to her, then she realised that he was giving his command to Rifen. Rifen stared back blankly, Mariana’s mind raced with questions, but she did not get a chance to voice them. Zerem had also followed the mans desperate command and now a sadistic smile spread across his face as his eyes found Rifen.

‘Unawakened.’ He yelled coldly. ‘This is fortunate indeed, I had not been looking forward to chasing you across this wretched country.’

Rifen did not speak. Mariana could tell by the confused fear on his face that he knew no more than she did.

‘Now that is not necessary,’ continued Zerem. ‘Your life ends here and now. By my hands, the Galemight’s purpose is met!’

At this he thrust both arms towards Rifen. His raging inferno flowed to his fingertips. Slowly the all-engulfing flame faded from around him as it focused its energy. The flaming orbs at his fingertips grew until they became one. Still the inferno surged out of chaos and into focus. The intensity made the air crackle and burn. The smell of fire filled everything. The ball of fire was still growing; it was now as big as Zerem’s chest. The concentration of energy was so intense that the ground began to shake. As the last of the flames sapped out of Zerem’s arms he let out a triumphant cry, and released his power. The eruption ripped the ground asunder. The sound was deafening. As the immensity flew towards Rifen and Mariana a network of cracks distorted the ground in its wake.

Mariana could do nothing but watch as her fate hurtled towards her. But as it closed in she was thrown aside. An arm thrust her clear into the air, Rifen’s arm. The power struck him squarely; he bore the full brunt of concentrated rage on his chest. His head was flung back; he appeared to levitate from the ground. There was a blinding explosion of red accompanied by a deafening roar. The concussion ripped through the surroundings knocking the warriors to the floor.

As the power faded Mariana desperately squinted through swirling dust, the aftermath of power. What she saw made her gasp. Rifen stood, unhurt and focused, he faced Zerem in square defiance. Zerem stared back dumbly, for all his surety, confidence, and finality, he had been struck still and silent. They were the only two left standing. They did not move. That kind of power should have burnt Rifen’s bones to ashes, and then burnt the ashes into nothingness. Zerem stood as if his supremacy had been depleted with his inferno. But he was not frozen for long; seeing their chance some of the warriors had scrambled to their feet and launched a hail of arrows at him, they splintered and fell harmlessly as he waved his hand at them.

Zerem had regained himself. ‘Fools I’ll kill you all,’ he shouted, but his attention was snatched back to Rifen.

Rifen had not moved; not a single muscle had so much as flickered.
‘Next time,’ added Zerem as he turned and walked slowly away, as if nothing had transpired.
Some of the warriors rushed forwards after him, but with a whip of his arm he disappeared completely.

Rifen seemed to snap out of a trance. He turned his head shakily towards Mariana, tried to take a step forwards, and collapsed.


The darkness surrounded him again, nothing stretched into infinity. But this time the darkness was not complete, he was not alone. A young woman stood near him, she was thin and had long black hair.

‘At last, I have waited too long for this,’ she said calmly. ‘I am Sashira.’

‘I’m Rif…’ he began but she cut him off.

‘I know who you are, Rifen; I know you better than anyone.’

‘What?’

‘I have no time to explain now, but in time all will become clear.’

Rifen did not like her answer, but he had no choice but to accept it, so he moved on to another question. ‘What is this place?’

‘We are in the plains of death,’ she answered casually.

‘Am I…?’ he began, but again she cut him off.

‘No, your wounds are not serious; it is me that has bought you here.’

Rifen’s mind struggled. Wounds? He remembered seeing Zerem’s flame coming towards him, but the rest was a blur, he could not make out his memories.

‘How did I survive Zerem’s attack? Did you save me?’

‘The answer to this question is too complicated to be answered in the time we have, but I will say this: It was not my power that saved you, although I did trigger it; the power was yours, or should I say, Dervan’s.’

‘This is too much,’ cried Rifen. ‘Your not making any sense.’

‘I’m sorry Rifen,’ she said. ‘But there is no time, I can sustain your presence here no longer. Go north, the answers await you there.’ Her voice was already becoming faint.

Sashira was fading into the nothingness and the nothingness was fading into light. Before he could speak again, the darkness had faded completely.


Grivin’s Shackles still held fast, their caster had not lost his concentration for a second. The three silver figures had not moved since boarding the carriage. The track must have been rocky and rough; the carriage was rocking violently from side to side. Grivin had given up on his threats, they had no effect.

‘Why are you holding me?’ he demanded. ‘What do you want with me?’

One of the figures looked up at him; it was obvious by his palpable glee that he had been waiting for this question. ‘You are to become one of us,’ his voice scraped and screamed through the air.

Grivin was about to shout another outburst when the fourth figure’s disembodied voice cut in. ‘Zerem has contacted me again,’ the powerful tone was sharp and clear.

‘He and his company were ambushed by a band of Venbidelian warriors, they guard the unawakened. Zerem was caught off guard and failed to kill him. We will not make the same mistake. I, Kalnos of the Galemight, will spill the unawakened’s blood.’

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So what did you think, confusing?
don't worry, all will be revealed...

[aTOMiC]

hierachy, You have an intriguing story going here. The feel of your writing suggest that you are really getting into the flow. I really enjoy writing the most when the words seem to find their way on to the page by themselves. Keep it coming.

[I'm Murrin]

Yes, you seem to be settling into your comfortable writing style - it seemed to get better as it went through, and everything after the fighting started is really good.

[Skyweir]

Part 2: The Resistance

The darkness was as complete and final as it ever was. The voice called again, Rifen span towards it but could see nothing. Even in it’s faintness, the sound radiated importance.

what about - eminated? the sound eminated importance? just a thought .. radiated is good

Again it tried to shout. He strained impossibly to make out the words; they were beyond his grasp.

‘What is it?’ he shouted into the darkness. ‘What are you trying to tell me?’

The disembodied voice seemed to reply in its incomprehensibility.

do you mean .. notwithstanding .. notwithstanding its incomprehensibility?

For some reason unknown to himself, he was desperate to understand, but it was futile. Defeated he let himself fall to the ground; but even that was impossible. As he fell directions shifted, gravity distorted, the darkness changed and he fell into an upright position.

Panic swelled inside him, and he let out a piercing cry. ‘What is this place?’

yay!! oh cool ..is this the same guy from the 1st piece? excellent he lives!!

He could not understand how anything could be so empty; no wonder the voice was empty and absent, it seemed impossible that a sound could even exist in this place. It could not be real. The voice taunted him again, just out of hearing. He must be dreaming. Yes! Just a dream. Now he remembered, he had dreamt the same thing before. Just before Mariana had found him he had heard the same distant voice, wondered the same darkness.

With no further thought, he tried to force his senses back into reality. Slowly the darkness began to fade. The world began to materialise around him. Just before the darkness vanished completely, the voice tried desperately to be heard, grappling its way to his eras; he caught just one word “Dervan”.

oooh cool Dervan . i had wanted to know who he was

With a gasp he thrust up into the morning light. Birds sang in the distance, the smell of spring danced in the air, the grass felt springy under his body. Behind him Mariana’s house stood sturdy and strong, with a sigh of relief, he turned towards it.

Grivin sat on the floor of a carriage.

ok you lost me here was is this Griven the very same character that just a sentence ago had springy grass under his body .. was he lying down on the grass? and now is this same guy sitting on the floor of a carriage? how did he get there? is this the same guy that Mariana aided?

He judged by the way it bounced around that it was travelling at considerable speed. Three of the silver clothed men sat opposite him, their expressions revealed nothing of their purpose. He strained desperately to move, but the spell that held him did not fail.

‘I’m gonna tear you apart!’ he roared at them; they did not appear to hear him. ‘Listen to me!’ he commanded. ‘Your dead, your all dead.’

One of the figures raised his head; a demented smile warped his face. ‘Indeed.’ He said with a twisted tone of humour.

Grivin struggled once more to free himself of his invisible shackles. Exhausted by the futility of his position, he gave in. He wondered what was going on. What the importance of that boy was.

whos that boy? Rifen? How does Mariana know Griven? and visa versa?

And how the boy had come back from unconsciousness to flee from the first group of silver men, he suddenly seemed to radiate power. It did not seem to make sense. What made even less sense was what the men wanted with him, Grivin.

The fourth silver figure shouted back from the front of the carriage. ‘I have received word from Zerem; he and his company are a day and night ahead of us, they will reach the Unawakened by mid-afternoon.’ The powerful voice was tense with anticipation.

Received word? Thought Grivin. I didn’t hear any talking, we haven’t even stopped.

Questions streamed through Grivin’s mind, but he shrugged them off. He had never been too worried about finding answers; his answer was violence, and right now he was almost bursting with the need to answer his captors.

Just you wait, he thought, just you bloody wait.

what about putting thoughts into italics to distinguish them from actual spoken narative?

Rifen’s head was almost healed, and his strength had returned. He and Mariana had just finished eating lunch.

‘You should get some more rest,’ she said with a voice full of kindness. ‘I’m going to get some water from the well a couple of fields west.’

‘No, I’ve rested enough, I’ll get the water.’ He replied. He was eager to repay her for what she had done for him.

She examined him with her eyes. ‘Thank you Rifen,’

For a moment he did not move, he stood staring into her eyes, but then he tore his vision away from her.

how about he tore his gaze away from her .. or he tore his stare from her <the latter not being as good>

He could not get over her beauty. The door closed lightly behind him and he started across the springy green grass. Which way was west? He gauged the afternoon sun, made his decision, and turned to walk in that direction.

Mariana watched him go, watched until he was tiny with distance

.thats ok if not a little clumsy .. what about .. "watched until he was a spec in the distance .. or until he amost disappeared from her sight .. or something like that .. wadjathink?

She could not understand him, or his effect on her. She had only just met him, but she trusted him completely. Evan though his story was suspicious and hard to believe, she felt sure that he was telling the truth. Something about him played with her emotions.

She lost herself in thought, wondered in her daydreams. She did not hear the horses approach her house, did not notice their silver riders. A loud smash ripped her from the wonders of her imagination; five silver figures poured through the doorway, the heavy oak door lay smashed on the floor. The group consisted of three women and two men. Mariana was held still by her terror.

that sentence is actually ok .. or you could use .. Mariana was stilled by her terror" .. or Mariana was paralysed by her terror" .. even

Killers dressed in silver; had they returned to finish the job?

what does this statement mean? "killers dressed in silver" .. ?? that killers dress in silver and she knows this? .. or that she is aware of some killers that dress in silver and she suspects these are them? finish the job? what job? killing Rifen? why would she think someone wants to kill Rifen? Rifen did not from my memory believe he was the target of an assasination attempt .. but a legitimate fight tournament entrant .. i think you may want to elaborate here to explain her percipient sense of who these silver men were.

Yes clearly .. the way they entered .. would indicate they're not popping over for a friendly cuppa .. you have made that clear but she is jumping to a number of unexplained assumptions that you might want to think about.

One of the trespassers steeped forward. He had pure white hair that reached halfway down his back. His eyes looked like holes in space, vortexes to another dimension. He held himself in a stance that suggested invincibility, supremacy.

‘Where is the boy?’ his voice was cold and hard, and final.

Mariana could not answer, trepidation paralysed her.

ok you've used paralysed here .. so if you didnt want to repeat yourself ..if you chose to use paralyse earlier .. you could replace it with .. something like "fear siezed her" .. or .. "trepidation froze her" etc..

‘Where is the boy?’ his tone hinted that it would not be a good idea to make him ask a third time.

But Mariana had lost the use of her body. The silver robed man’s voice demanded being heard, and in her mind she responded. What boy? Rifen? What do you want with him? Didn’t you people do enough eight years ago?

wow cool .. 8 years ago!!!! .. ok this may explain the first few paragraphs

One of the silver women spoke,

i dont recall you ever referring to the silver people as anything other than men, maybe you did and i missed it .. will check

before the foremost could act again.

"the foremost" that is an unusual way of referring to the first speaker .. but ok

‘ I sense him,’ she said. ‘It is true that he has been here, but now he is to the west, no more than ten minute’s walk.’

‘I sense this too,’ seconded one of the others.

if they can percieve his presence then why with the smashy door thing? and putting the bad mojo on M? mmm .. maybe you could explain why it took a few minutes to recallibrate their Rifen tracking senses.

All the intruders looked towards their white hared leader. In silent agreement they turned, and left the house as quickly as they had arrived.

bastards!! LOL .. come smash up the place and just leave!! LOL I love these bad guys!! .. they could be my kids!!

For a moment Mariana remained rigid, but then their purpose struck her like a knife. Rifen! She would not make the same mistake twice; she had to stop them. With a scream of rage she broke her immobility and threw her body after the silver robed invaders.

She hurtled out of the door and across the grass, towards the silver robes. As she came close behind them the white hared man spun around. ‘Halt!’ he commanded in a voice that could not be disobeyed.

‘You killed my parents,’ she screamed. ‘And I’m not going to let you kill anyone else.’

‘And how are you going to stop us?’ retorted the white hared figure. ‘What can a mere girl do to me, Zerem of the Galemight?’

cool name

Mariana searched herself for the strength to answer, but Zerem’s voice was too powerful. ‘That’s what I thought,’ he taunted. ‘You will delay us no further.’ he turned to one of his companions. ‘Dispose of her.’

Mariana watched dumbly as one of the silver robed women stepped forward and raised a clawed hand towards her. The women stood no closer than three meters from Mariana but her building power was almost palpable.

building power isnt punchy enough imho .. and i cant think of a replacement .. <brains sleepy> but if you can .. maybe play with a few replacements till you find a better one. .. ok i thought of a few ideas - increasing, escalating .. what have you

Out of nothing a flame sprang into life in the Galemight woman’s grasp. At first it was just a flicker, but it grew steadily stronger until it was a raging inferno that engulfed her hand. Her silver robe lit up in reflected red; her face was aflame with fiery glee.

thats wonderful imagery!

Mariana could take no more; she flung her arms around her face and fell to her knees. Although she had blocked out the sight of her impending doom she still felt the air crackling with power.

i love that "air crackling with power"!! brilliant!!

A shrill scream stabbed the air as the power erupted. Roars of pain scorched the air, but Mariana felt nothing. Slowly, she lowered her arms, fearing what she might see. An inferno blazed in front of her. All the figures fell to the ground in a heap of flames that drowned out the sun. The closest, the woman who had summoned the flame lay face down, completely engulfed in her flame, an arrow was sticking out of her back. Intuition flooded her mind. When the arrow had struck the woman she must have lost control of her magic, it exploded in her face and took her companions with her.

excellently explained .. i was ready to ask .. huh? lol

But where had the arrow come from? Squinting through the searing flames Mariana saw the answer. A large band of warriors walked around the flames; Rifen walked among them. It was clear that the warriors had seen many battles; their robes and tunics were tattered and ripped, their swords were chipped and splintered, and many of them wore injuries like testaments.

Rifen fought his way from the group and rushed to Mariana’s side. ‘Are you hurt?’ he panted. ‘What did they do to you?’ concern knotted his face.

oooh brilliant!! i love that expression!!

‘I’m okay, they didn’t hurt me.’

Some of the warriors positioned themselves around the diminishing flames, searching for movement.

A middle-aged man with a balding head and an ageing but still powerful figure shouted a command. ‘We must leave this place,’ he had a powerful voice.

The flames had almost burnt out, only one patch still burned furiously.

‘No, it’s too late,’ shouted one of the warriors indicating a burnt patch of ground.

Mariana looked at the patch of ground. There was movement! One of the Galemight staggered to their feet; their silver clothes had been burnt clean off, and their skin was blackened with chunks of charred flesh hanging off, only held by thin strands of skin.

this imho this sentence is a little awkward .. you could tighten it quite a bit.

Then, the rest of the Galemight began to rise, all except Zerem who was nowhere to be seen. The grotesque sight made Mariana’s guts heave. Behind them, one patch of ground still burned like an inferno, symbolising their rage. A blue pulse fired from one of the Galemight’s demented fingers, it flew towards a warrior, but he was quick to react. He summoned his own power, there was a blinding flash of green and blue, then the attackers power was extinguished.

The warriors rushed into position. Arrows plunged down on the crippled Galemight. Blasts of power screamed over the ravaged ground. Some of the warriors positioned themselves in front of the main group and used their sorcery to parry the Galemight’s attacks. Slowly, the Galemight weakened. The arrows dug deeply into their flesh,

should you use a plural form of Galemight .. or is this both the singular and plural form? cos i was thinking Rifens warrior mates were fighting just the one Galemight .. but then we see there are others too.

the blasts of sorcery smashed into their already weakened bodies. They had almost been destroyed by the initial blast, the warriors were just finishing them off. But as the last Galemight fell the fire raging behind

there's a fire raging behind? oh from that one patch? when you described this one fire .. as .. "just one patch" it seemed like it was a small burning area .. not a raging fire. Maybe you can dabble with this and explain the fire was actually a significant blaze .. as opposed to "just one patch" amidst the rest that had almost burnt out.

suddenly exploded into life, it rose from the ground. At it’s centre stood Zerem.

Mariana almost choked at the sight. Amidst the flame and fury Zerem was untouched. His cold white hair dangled freely past his shoulders; his silver robes had not so much as been singed. He stood invincible amongst a tornado of fire.

oooh yeah thats a major fire!

‘Fools!’ he yelled. ‘Your pathetic effort is to no avail. To think that you may hurt me is folly.’

The warriors had not faltered, they pelted him with a barrage of magic and arrows, but it was useless. Spells cast to tamper with his mind or movement had no effect. Blasts of power appeared to strike him but only seemed to increase the virulence of his fire. Arrows were eaten to ashes by his flames before they could even get close; it was as if he truly was, as he implied, invincible. He walked slowly forward past his fallen comrades like invulnerability incarnate

nice

, wrapped in his protective fire, more intense than the sun itself. Still the attack continued, futilely

i dont think this is a correct form of this word .. but i could be mistaken

the warriors fought to stop Zerem’s advance. Another volley of arrows was eaten by his rage.

‘Fools,’ he cried in his cold and final voice. ‘I show you your impotence, but still you persist. I tire of your folly. Now taste my power in all it's glory!’

"in all its glory" thats an odd way for an antagonist to address his enemies imho .. "Now taste my power!!" imho is sufficient and punchier .. but ok

Fiery rage surged from his hand as he swept it towards a group of warriors. The sorcerers among them were quick to counter; they threw their power towards the wall of flame with the whole of their being. But it was no use, in the face of the inferno they were insignificant, wholly unequal. The flaming wall smashed into the warriors with all the finality of its creator; the group was obliterated, thrown back by its searing force, unconscious or dead; Zerem laughed coldly from within his inferno.

Distilled with anger, one of the warriors broke formation. She charged at Zerem with her sword raised; she was vaporised before she covered half the distance. The balding man could take no more. ‘Stop him!’ he yelled full of passion and pain.

For a moment Mariana thought the man was talking to her, then she realised that he was giving his command to Rifen. Rifen stared back blankly, Mariana’s mind raced with questions, but she did not get a chance to voice them. Zerem had also followed the mans desperate command and now a sadistic smile spread across his face as his eyes found Rifen.

‘Unawakened.’ He yelled coldly. ‘This is fortunate indeed, I had not been looking forward to chasing you across this wretched country.’

Rifen did not speak. Mariana could tell by the confused fear on his face that he knew no more than she did.

‘Now that is not necessary,’ continued Zerem. ‘Your life ends here and now. By my hands, the Galemight’s purpose is met!’

At this he thrust both arms towards Rifen. His raging inferno flowed to his fingertips. Slowly the all-engulfing flame faded from around him as it focused its energy. The flaming orbs at his fingertips grew until they became one. Still the inferno surged out of chaos and into focus. The intensity made the air crackle and burn. The smell of fire filled everything. The ball of fire was still growing; it was now as big as Zerem’s chest. The concentration of energy was so intense that the ground began to shake. As the last of the flames sapped out of Zerem’s arms he let out a triumphant cry, and released his power. The eruption ripped the ground asunder. The sound was deafening. As the immensity flew towards Rifen and Mariana a network of cracks distorted the ground in its wake.

brilliant paragraph!! just wonderful

Mariana could do nothing but watch as her fate hurtled towards her. But as it closed in she was thrown aside. An arm thrust her clear into the air, Rifen’s arm. The power struck him squarely; he bore the full brunt of concentrated rage on his chest. His head was flung back; he appeared to levitate from the ground. There was a blinding explosion of red accompanied by a deafening roar. The concussion ripped through the surroundings knocking the warriors to the floor.

As the power faded Mariana desperately squinted through swirling dust, the aftermath of power. What she saw made her gasp. Rifen stood, unhurt and focused, he faced Zerem in square defiance. Zerem stared back dumbly, for all his surety, confidence, and finality, he had been struck still and silent. They were the only two left standing. They did not move. That kind of power should have burnt Rifen’s bones to ashes, and then burnt the ashes into nothingness. Zerem stood as if his supremacy had been depleted with his inferno. But he was not frozen for long; seeing their chance some of the warriors had scrambled to their feet and launched a hail of arrows at him, they splintered and fell harmlessly as he waved his hand at them.

Zerem had regained himself. ‘Fools I’ll kill you all,’ he shouted, but his attention was snatched back to Rifen.

Rifen had not moved; not a single muscle had so much as flickered.
‘Next time,’ added Zerem as he turned and walked slowly away, as if nothing had transpired.

walked away??? walked?? .. could it not be .. "added Zerem as he turned and fled"? or .. ok if thats too cowardly for a supreme magic dude .. what about .. "added Zerem as he turned to leave" .. or .. added Zerem as he turned away in retreat" or something like that? .. or what you have i guess.

Some of the warriors rushed forwards after him, but with a whip of his arm he disappeared completely.

Rifen seemed to snap out of a trance. He turned his head shakily towards Mariana, tried to take a step forwards, and collapsed.


The darkness surrounded him again, nothing stretched into infinity. But this time the darkness was not complete, he was not alone. A young woman stood near him, she was thin and had long black hair.

‘At last, I have waited too long for this,’ she said calmly. ‘I am Sashira.’

‘I’m Rif…’ he began but she cut him off.

‘I know who you are, Rifen; I know you better than anyone.’

‘What?’

‘I have no time to explain now, but in time all will become clear.’

Rifen did not like her answer, but he had no choice but to accept it, so he moved on to another question. ‘What is this place?’

‘We are in the plains of death,’ she answered casually.

‘Am I…?’ he began, but again she cut him off.

‘No, your wounds are not serious; it is me that has bought you here.’

Rifen’s mind struggled. Wounds? He remembered seeing Zerem’s flame coming towards him, but the rest was a blur, he could not make out his memories.

‘How did I survive Zerem’s attack? Did you save me?’

‘The answer to this question is too complicated to be answered in the time we have, but I will say this: It was not my power that saved you, although I did trigger it; the power was yours, or should I say, Dervan’s.’

‘This is too much,’ cried Rifen. ‘Your not making any sense.’

‘I’m sorry Rifen,’ she said. ‘But there is no time, I can sustain your presence here no longer. Go north, the answers await you there.’ Her voice was already becoming faint.

Sashira was fading into the nothingness and the nothingness was fading into light. Before he could speak again, the darkness had faded completely.

whoa .. i didnt expect that?? whoa .. so where is he .. in some afterlife? Sashira is in this afterlife .. not in the mortal world where the battle with the silver peeps took place .. right?

Grivin’s Shackles still held fast, their caster had not lost his concentration for a second. The three silver figures had not moved since boarding the carriage. The track must have been rocky and rough; the carriage was rocking violently from side to side. Grivin had given up on his threats, they had no effect.

are these other silver folk?

‘Why are you holding me?’ he demanded. ‘What do you want with me?’

One of the figures looked up at him; it was obvious by his palpable glee that he had been waiting for this question. ‘You are to become one of us,’ his voice scraped and screamed through the air.

Grivin was about to shout another outburst when the fourth figure’s disembodied voice cut in. ‘Zerem has contacted me again,’ the powerful tone was sharp and clear.

‘He and his company were ambushed by a band of Venbidelian warriors, they guard the unawakened. Zerem was caught off guard and failed to kill him. We will not make the same mistake. I, Kalnos of the Galemight, will spill the unawakened’s blood.’

wow!! a brilliant twist!! and sprung with surgical precision on the unprepared and unsuspecting reader!!

i am truly impressed .. i think i get it now .. you have more than one story you are weaving here .. as you did infact warn me LOL ..

I wonder if there is anyway .. in the text to distinguish the 2 seperate and distinct stories .. so they dont seem to flow into one another .. thus aiding clarity .. just a bit.

excellent .. a very creative mind you do have grasshopper LOL I am shocked and astounded by that mind-blowing conclusion!!!! you certainly caught me out!! LOL and i love that!!!

10/10 .. kudos!! most ingenius one!!!

[Skyweir]

oh and i have no clue how the font size shot up in size .. totally unintended lol

and as key .. the strictly bolded sentences or phrases are ones i really really like

the bolded AND underlined .. may be typos or things that are obvious problems..

and clearly where it isnt that obvious .. i add some comments to explain ..

and in conclusion .. i absolutely loved it!! good job!! again

[hierachy]

Thanks Skyweir!

It seems you had some trouble understanding what was happening, I think this has alot to do with the paragraphs being seperated by lines rather than indentations(it means you have no way of telling the end of a normal paragraph from when the scene switches)

So here's some explinations of the bits that confused you.

The whole first part up until he's on the springy grass is refering to Rifen(I did write his name in it)

Then the whole scene switches to Grivin in the carridge(And no, Mariana and Grivin do not know each other)

Just to clarify one more thing, there are more than one group of Galemight, keep reading, it will become clear.

[hierachy]

Just wondering, was everyone confused?

As for the two seperate stories: no, it's just one story.
Are you refering to Sashira/Dervan Rifen/Mariana as the two seperate stories.

Or are you saying that you think that the Grivin thing is seperate.

Neither of these is correct, it's all linked together.

[hierachy]

Sorry, I supose you can think of the Sashira stuff in part 1 as seperate, in a way it is. I think maybe I have not been clear enough.

All the stuff in part 2, however, is all part of the same thing(even the Sashira bit(when she talks to Rifen))


As for the plural of Galemight, they are referred to like sheep would be. eg. you dont say "look over there at those sheeps" you say "look over there at those sheep"