A passage of fiction

[Lament]

This is some fiction that I wrote. Feel free to reply here with any thoughts or criticisms. I understand there may be literature out there that might be similiar in scope or idea to what I present now, but I have not read any. This all comes from within and I only seek feedback- Lament

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In the Temple of light Helismehso meditated and waited. This day promised to be full of possibilities. One of her most brightest students, Riven, was coming to take the Second Level of Ascendancy. On the average only 10 out of every hundred students enrolled reach that level of competitive ability, and of the ten that do half of them usually failed.

She tilted her head and let her golden tresses fall on her back in waves. Some of the male students had said that half the test was not falling in love with her at first sight. She had piercing blue eyes, soft red lips and a smile that could melt the polar ice on command.

She trilled a laugh to herself as she thought on it but stopped when she caught sight of the Mother Superior entering the hall with Riven.

The Hall of Testing was not really a hall, it was a gigantic cave with an open mouth that made the whole of it resemble an open dome. The half that was exposed to the elements had been magically shielded so that no rain could penetrate it or do harm within. The natural stone had been kept for the enclosure as a reminder that nature ruled all. The floor had been carved out of the rock itself and depicted scenes of brave and worthy souls that sought the powers of KI-EL-ET and had conquered their trials. A great stone Dias gilded in silver and gold stood at the center of the hall surrounded by wooden pews on either end.

The Mother Superior wore a dour look on her face as she normally did when dealing with the student body. It was old and fragile yet her brown eyes remained sharp and frosty. She was covered from head to toe in a red dress and bonnet appropriate to her station. Some of the students called her “old mother crow” behind her back and “elder adder”. She was, in actuality, a kind and compassionate soul who was hard on the students because she knew that the world would not be so forgiving. Yet she secretly reveled in the titles the students had named her with.

She brought Riven out by the scruff of his collar and presented him roughly to Helismehso.
“Does this rabble belong to you?”

Riven looked up with a face that almost positively screamed help! It was all Helis could do to not laugh outright. She nodded her head and bowed.

“Thank you reverend mother. The child of light in now in my keeping. Let none disturb our ordained task. By dawn or by shadow, in love or hate the student shall learn of their worth.”

The Mother Superior bowed in turn and gave the ancient reply.

“May your light pierce the darkness, may it cleanse the eye of blindness and force the seed to grow.”

With that she gave one last scowl to Riven (who flinched half expecting a smack to come his way) and departed.


With a bemused look Helismehso watched Riven. He was standing at attention with a sullen look on his face and scratching some portion of his anatomy. He was still not used to the white robes of the novice since the cotton tended to itch when it was still new. Likewise he was not all that happy about having to shave his head. It was an ancient custom that the males needed to endure. Among other things it taught acceptance and humility but for Riven it only taught that “adults were bigger” so they “make the rules”. He looked at Helis pleadingly.

“Speak.” she said.

“Mistress it was not my fault! I don’t plan these things do I? It’s not like I went down there and told Iza to mix that water with the salve of invisibility? Why would I? I’m a student here! I’m trying to learn!” He said with mock indignation. “Mother Adder has got it all obtuse, I’m not the one…”

In a raised voice she commanded “Enough!”. He bowed his head and looked the floor in an act of submission. “Mother Superior is, and always will be a force of light in this academy. I will not listen to any defamation of her proud name, is that clear?”

“Yes Mistress.”

“Good” her voice once again took on a formal tone. She lifted Riven’s head back up so he could see eye-to-eye with her before she began.

“Does the pupil come seeking Truth? Truth, in all Its forms will sunder any deception from outside or within. Truth will seek out any schism or doubt within this temple. Truth will make or break the mold of our lives…”

“And within Truth lies the paradox of time. It is our salvation or doom,” Riven intoned, “I seek the Second Level of Ascendancy, I am ready.”


Helismehso left Riven and walked over to the raised dais in the center of the hall. Riven took his place at one of the pews that surrounded it and knelt as was the custom.

Helis began with song that raised the heart in preparation for the trial. It soothed and comforted Riven. This was a normal part of the testing and one that he loved. In its notes acceptance and trust were felt by every student that came there.

Riven began his song as well. It answered and complimented Helismehso, adding a level of appreciation for the gesture of confidence and a level of profound respect. Underlying it however was a secret note of overconfidence. It stuck out to her as she listened like a string that was out of tune, loud and obtrusive. Riven could not even hope to conceal it for his inexperience was palpable. It was true that he had passed the first level quicker than any pupil had in one thousand years. His raw talent for KI-EL-ET was staggering. But it was also adolescent and badly in need of training.


Helismehso’s song suddenly changed in pitch, tone and modulation. Her song took on a different form than Riven could not have possibly expected. The first Level of Ascendancy had been easy enough to counter. The Mistress had sung of depression and sadness. It had engulfed him in waves of antithesis and grief. But his inner calm was maintained and he voiced a song of hope to counter the despair. The elders who had looked on from their scrying stones had been much impressed with his ability. Normally that technique was only seen in tenth-year students.

But now Riven was at a loss. His song wavered in the face of this new challenge. His notes took on a sense of defiance but also one of uncertainty.

Helismehso continued to weave the complex harmony. It entered Riven’s mind and altered his perceptions. It struck away the axis of time and sped him forward in his years. Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen…and on he went. He saw his body change before his eyes but that was not the only change. His mind and spirit also advanced as well. He was accumulating experience that would be crucial to his life in mere seconds. When Helismehso finished that part of her song, Riven was no longer a boy but a man of thirty years age.

Riven looked at back at his life and saw the boy he was only moments before. His song, strong with the newfound power of age boomed out but it was still desperate and uncertain. He saw the overconfidence and ignorance that was in his spirit in his younger years and his heart was cleft in twain. Despair took him and his song became one of sorrow. Sorrow for the lost time he could have spent more productively as a pupil. Sorrow for the failure he knew he had wrought.

Once the paradigm shift had been achieved Helismehso reversed her song. The years faded for Riven. In mere moments he found himself back at his tender teenage years confused and with only a vague recollection of what it had been like to be an adult. The echo of futility however stayed with him as did his failure and newfound humility.

At the end of their songs, Helismehso sung of the power of truth and self awareness and Riven of self deception and the power of truth to cleanse his soul.

Helismehso walked out from the dais and approached Riven. He was crying as he knelt in the pew.

“What have you learned initiate of the light?”

“I don’t know for sure, I…I think I learned that I’m not ready.”

She nodded and smiled “But one day …you will be.”

[Fist and Faith]

YEAH!!!! Very cool!!!! I got a real feel for the characters' personalities. And very neat trick with the aging! Nice to come back, bringing humility with him.

More?

[Fist and Faith]

Just another comment. I loved the use of music. I can just see any of history's great master, Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, etc, doing this. Either as a teacher, or when one musician challenged another, one performer trying to keep up with the other. But this added dimension, having the music comment on the character of the people themselves, is great! Eric Van Lustbader's books have similar ideas, as one character sees another's view on life from their style of sword fighting, or the way they play a type of board game (whose name eludes me at the moment).

[Lament]

Thank you Fist. You are a very cool guy.

I just wrote this today, and may write more I suppose. I added it as part of a larger work i'm doing for fun and self-learning. If I get some more feedback I may post it. Honestly i'm usually too embarassed, the only reason why I did now was that there are so many intelligent and prolific people here that I can't lose. I will learn something of the strengths and weaknesses in my prose either way.

Edit: Thank you fist. Piers Anthony and his series on archetypes such as death ("On a pale horse" I think the name was, it was so long ago.) first introduced to me the power of song over matter as it were. I decided to broaden that perspective and include other dimensions.

[duchess of malfi]

Love it!

I want MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Furls Fire]

BRAVO!!!! I love it too!!! Please continue it!!