Loner or people-person?

[Worm of Despite]

I guess this is kind of philosophical, so I suppose it's best we have it in this forum. So, are you the quintessential hermit or the trend-setting socialite?

Personally, I guess I’m a hermit at heart. I mean, I only associate when I have to (school, family), but, when I’m able to lay down my own terms and I’m not under anybody’s thumb, my first prerogative is to get alone and to get some of the old peace and quiet. That’s why I enjoy KW so much, as it’s all very relaxed--a very distant form of communication. My kind of stuff!

When someone walks into a classroom, I start busying myself; I flip through my notebook or start reading--anything to keep attention away from me or give someone the impression that I’m giving them attention. I can honestly say I haven’t directly looked into a person’s eyes for longer than five seconds.

I find that the more I’m around people, the more I bury myself in stuff like video games, books, music, etc. I take on all kinds of vices to preoccupy my mind, to escape, etc. Conversely, the further away I get from humanity, the more I start dropping vices. For example, when I stayed at my grandmother’s lake house, I took only clothes and other essentials, as I no longer felt a need to immerse myself out there, as there was nothing to hide from.

Now comes the question: is it wrong to feel this way? By cutting myself off, am I hurting myself? Should all humans be social to some extent, or is it completely subjective? I mean, of course, I can’t entirely lock myself out; I still have to go out to get food and other basics, but I digress. It just seems to me that humanity loves to label loneliness as hell, but I think it depends. For me, it’s rather harmless; I feel most comfortable and at peace when I’m alone.

[Nathan]

I know people who will do anything to avoid an awkward silence, they'll ask questions they don't really want answers to, they'll tell you things they don't really want you to know, just so that they aren't caught in a period of uncomfortable silence.

Myself, I find silences very comfortable. I don't like to talk unless I have something valuable to say. Partly because of how annoying I find it when other people do it, and partly because I don't want to make myself look like an idiot.

I've gone off the point slightly here, but this is where it joins to the topic: I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't know, not because I feel uncomfortable around strangers, but because I think they feel uncomfortable around me for my lack of conversation.

I've been told that an inability (or unwillingness) to make conversation with a stranger is a shortcoming. Does that make me antisocial? Or would it be worse of me to bore the stranger with pointless chatter that I should neither expect them to be interested in or am not interested in myself?

[[Syl]]

Yeah, I guess I'm a sociable loner. I prefer being by myself, at least most of the time. I'm good with people, can make small talk fairly well, but I find myself trying to get away as soon as possible, nodding my head, even chuckling to comments I'm not paying any conscious attention to. I don't like crowds. Listening to some people talk makes me want to gouge my eardrums out, like when someone next to you is eating with their mouth open.

Now a friend or a group of friends, that's entirely different. I can hang out with friends for days straight and not care. I guess you know someone's a friend when there are no uncomfortable silences. You can say whatever you want or nothing, and it's cool.

But you ask if it's wrong. I say no, not by itself. Unless you feel you're doing yourself a disservice.

I'm going to take a stab at this, Foul, and say you're feeling a little isolated after the loss of your grandfather. That's pretty natural for us introvert types. Well, you know we're here for you and all, but there's nothing wrong trying to handle it internally, either. Or a combination of both, or even drowning your sorrow in the drug that is called the mob, even if it is a temporary departure from your norm. Y'know... whatever works for you works, and that's cool.

Reminds me of this old thread. I swear I had at least two posts there. *shrug*

[Worm of Despite]

Now a friend or a group of friends, that's entirely different. I can hang out with friends for days straight and not care. I guess you know someone's a friend when there are no uncomfortable silences. You can say whatever you want or nothing, and it's cool.

Yeah! I've got that with three other fellas I've known since around middle school. Beyond that inner circle, there's maybe three others who approach the "comfortable silences", but beyond that it's mostly “acquaintances”, best way to describe.

I'm going to take a stab at this, Foul, and say you're feeling a little isolated after the loss of your grandfather. That's pretty natural for us introvert types. Well, you know we're here for you and all, but there's nothing wrong trying to handle it internally, either. Or a combination of both, or even drowning your sorrow in the drug that is called the mob, even if it is a temporary departure from your norm. Y'know... whatever works for you works, and that's cool.

Well, I only knew him for about a week out of every year; he lived about 3 hours away or so, and we only visited for holidays and such. I can't honestly say if his death has effected me like that, but yeah, I guess it does have me thinking about the lakehouse where he lived; kind of an ideal place, for my disposition.

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Well, I used to be a total introvert and never talk, to the point of being socially dysfunctional... I was an internet addict at the time.
Eventually things went sour online and I took the social skills I learned online of all places, into the real world, and made a lot of friends.
There's a lot to be said about close friendships in real life, and some of it is good
Now, I've got an appartment with a girlfriend and people are over there all the time... so my escape mechanism is in full swing.
I play video games constantly, and read a lot, etc...

I don't know if you're hurting yourself, but if you have the chance to at least give the big social thing a shot, you should probably take it... I mean, what do you have to lose?

[danlo]

Aside from all my new Elohimfest friends and the Lady Tam and the kids (pets) I have, maybe 4 good friends; one lives in Santa Fe and I see him about once a month, one lives back in New Jersey and I call him every 3 months or so and two live here, but we see them every 3 months or so...

We have tons of "professional" friends both at school and the hospital (Tam is a nurse) that we see at functions or beer nights. And there are the "buddies" we run into at the bars, that we frequent less and less. I, sorta, long for one or two "constant" local friends to do things with, but have either never clicked with the sort or have really made the effort to. This confuses me.

Perhaps I'm just antisocial? Or, maybe, have only just found my "lost tribe" on KW in the last 4-5 years...

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Frequent places that sound stereotypical of the personality types you want to meet

[danlo]

Well in that case I'm off to the Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Sports Freak/Artist/Poet/ Landscaper/Intellectual/Basketball Players Ganga room right away! (where no religion and warmonger pushers are allowed)

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Coffee shops. Go to the coffee shops.
Find a spoken word open mic

[danlo]

Nothing but college students and every other person working on their laptops there...<shrugh> (perhaps I should visit Stella Blue for the first time? A Greatful Dead inspired music venue that serves coffee, beer and wine... )

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

At open mic nights?
Really?
Bring some poetry and read it, I'm sure you'll make new friends...
And in any case, college students make good friends, especially if you're bored with people your own age.

[danlo]

The last time I read at an open mic the dishwasher made so much noise you couldn't hear a thing. Maybe I do need to make college friends--everyone my age has children...and I don't think I'd do the Rotary, Lions, Masons, etc...gig too well. Not much of a "joiner".

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Well, I'll tell you that at the open mics that I attend, most of us are college age, but some are younger and some are older. If you're thinking that the friends you have your own age have lost their edge, or their interest, maybe it'd be a good idea?
I mean, I'm only 22, but I maintain a few friends even younger, if for no other reason than to retain some kind of vague connection with the drama of the teenager...
I'm sure that'll pass in time though...
Also, I don't know what the open mic scene is in albuquerque.
Ah well. G'luck.

[ChoChiyo]

The isolation and introspection of the Ivory Tower or the extroverted cavorting of the Sacred Fountain?

An excellent topic.

Myself, I LOVE to splash around in the sacred fountain, meet people, learn their stories--I talk to people in elevators, in check out lines, wherever I happen to be. (I don't foist myself on the unwilling, however.)

BUT--if I don't get sufficient time in my ivory tower, I get very morose. I have to have my processing and thinking time--where my soul and I can commune with each other.

I go through periods where I isolate myself from the social herd--and I go through periods where I am the "party-girl" (so to speak). The pendulum swings back and forth.

I would hate to live without either one of these aspects of my life.

[Alynna Lis Eachann]

I admit that I long for companionship every once in a while, but generally I'm a loner and a social slob to boot - I tend to offend people without realizing I've done it until much later. On the whole, I'm far more adept at reading and getting along with horses and dogs than with people. When I go to parties I usually end up hiding in a corner or clearing out rather quickly. The less people, the better off I am.

I don't see anything wrong with being a loner. We can't all be socialites, and I don't think we should be. The world needs solitary thinkers and actors. I tend to think that we loners are often survivors, too, in one way or another, and that's something to be proud of.

[onewyteduck]

I admit that I long for companionship every once in a while, but generally I'm a loner and a social slob to boot - I tend to offend people without realizing I've done it until much later. On the whole, I'm far more adept at reading and getting along with horses and dogs than with people. When I go to parties I usually end up hiding in a corner or clearing out rather quickly. The less people, the better off I am.

I don't see anything wrong with being a loner. We can't all be socialites, and I don't think we should be. The world needs solitary thinkers and actors. I tend to think that we loners are often survivors, too, in one way or another, and that's something to be proud of.

Wow! This is almost like looking in a mirror. I don't have horses and haven't really spent much time around them but other than that......

Parties......my son's wedding was absolute torture for me but I did manage to behave and be the proper Mother of the Groom. (Except when finally, the heals HAD to go!)

In general, I'm happiest when alone and have never seen a problem with it. My husband travels on business frequently and it's bliss when he's gone. Of course, it's fun when he comes back, too!

[Alynna Lis Eachann]

Wow! This is almost like looking in a mirror.

LOL, maybe we're soulmates!

[matrixman]

I suspect that many of the greatest figures in art, music and literature were "loners." Beethoven and Van Gogh are two that come to mind at the moment. Er, please help me out on solitary writers. Ha, I'll name Donaldson just for the heck of it. I mean, it must have been a lonely job writing the original Chronicles while no one in the outside world gave a damn.

Hmm, isn't writing or painting or composing music a solitary activity by nature? I suppose if you talk about complex forms of artistic endeavor like opera or movies, then there is a collaborative process involved in their creation. But no one wants to read a novel done by committee (well, I certainly don't want to).

Anyway, my point is that it's the lonely visionaries out there who often create the things that inspire the rest of humanity to better things.

And without loners, well...there goes half the membership of Kevin's Watch, heh.

Loners don't need to be "cured" or some such thing. A society full of nothing but happy, perky people living cheerfully together in denial of pain and darkness? Sure, we have that. It's called a Communist state.

[drew]

Companionship. and friendship can come in many different ways.
When I was younger (Jr High)-I was a kind of an outcast, but I had two or three really close friends, that are still close. In high school, I became more popular, but those friends now, I have nothing to do with.
Now that I'm married, most of my contact with other people comes from parents of other kids (whom I'm usually about 10 years younger than), or family...well I'm not close with my family and other than my wife's brother..who's one of my best friends, I'm not overly fond of the rest of them. So that leaves work--I've just changed jobs after 10 years with the same place, and now I'm an outcast again, so who am I left with? The kids?-yeah, at least until they turn 13! But the people I know will always be there, are my true blue friends that I had, when we were all heavy metal outcasts in Jr high; still very close, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.
-Moral of this story?
Keep the friends who like you for who you are...$*&% the rest!!

[lhaughlhann]

I can "people person" myself, but i function best alone. But i dont have a problem with crowds or parties, its easy to lose yourself.