Ways to Mess with a Telemarketer

[Reisheiruhime]

Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

Make up your own language. Speak it.

Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

Communicate only through Morse code.

Try to sell the telemarketer something.

Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

Make him/her sing to get a sale.

Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she Tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[Vain]

*LOL* Telemarketers are people too What do YOU want to do when you enter the arena? I always wanted to be an engineer, then I became one, now I don't do anything even remotely related to engineering. Weird !

[Reisheiruhime]

The funny thing is, I've tried all of those.

[FMIinhernotloggedinstate]

My personal faves:
After their intro: "Hey, do you think you could tell me...
A) How to get bloodstains out of carpet?
B)Which has more white meat? A hamster or a gerbil?
or say:
UmBuckGao? *completely meaningless but oriental sounding*
just pant. and maybe lick the phone. whine a little.

[duchess of malfi]

Which one works best, Turiya Foul?
I have a telezapper now, but every now and then a call still sneaks through!

[Reisheiruhime]

Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

Try it with a Brittish accent. It strains the telemarketer's mind.

[Damelon]

I check caller id and if it's not a number I recognise I let the answering machine take the call.

[Sheol]

my favorite goes like this

Hello

Hi this is jimbo from nobody cares inc.

(stop them in mid speech) why are you a telemarketer?

excuse me?

When i was a kid i wanted to be a fireman or a cop but not a telemarketer, what did you want to be as a kid?

(answer)

Where did your dream go wrong



then i work my way into questions about thier career and what are the qualifications and stuff like that

[CovenantJr]

I applaud your discovery of this topic, Sheol Those are great, all of them

[[Syl]]

www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards.shtml

[Mystikan]

Approximate transcript of a recent convo I had with a telemarketer. (names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent)

TM: Hello, I'm (Jenny) from (Marketing Inc), could I have a few moments of your time? You're not busy at the moment?

ME: Well, I've been around for a few billion years, a few moments won't hurt I suppose.

TM: Er... yes, well I'd like to ask you if-

ME: I know all the secrets of the universe, but I cannot reveal information that your planet hasn't discovered yet. I thought you should know that.

TM: (pause) Um, well, we have a fantastic special on home cleaning products at-

ME: Oh, good! Do you have something that could clean silicate-scoring off a ceramocarbide spacecraft hull? My ship got filthy coming in on re-entry, your planet has a lot of micrometeorites and dust orbiting it. You really should have your people look at cleaning up your low-orbital region, you know, it makes you look bad to your visitors.

TM: Er, no, I don't think we can do that. Would you like to hear about our fantastic specials on (Brand-name) floor cleaners? They really-
(I've got to give this one marks for persistence!)

ME: Actually, I heard that stuff really corrodes ceramocarbide badly. You know, you could really make a fortune selling that stuff to the Intergalactic War Council as a chemical weapon? It's not available anywhere else in the entire universe, so your people would have a universal monopoly!

TM: Uh, I think you're having-

ME: (Quickly and enthusiastically) You realize how many millions of worlds are out there, how many customers there'd be who'd snap (Brand-name) up as a weapon of mass destruction? You could be richer than Bill Gates in no time! Look, there's even no need to involve your company in all this, just give me your home number and I'll get my contacts in the IGWC to give you a call. You get the stuff, I'll get the customers, and we'll both be rich beyond our wildest dreams!

TM: I can't do that. But thanks very much for your time.

ME: No problem. You're sure you want to pass up this golden opportunity though? You're losing out on a fortune here!

TM: No, I don't think so. Thank you, good-bye (click)

ME: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Moksha Foul]

Sing this song repeatedly at the telemarketer.

We like fish and we like liver, MeowMix MeowMix please deliver...

I'll drive 'em insane.