Funny Thoughts & Questions

[Reisheiruhime]

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS--aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw You! What good is a friggin cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ****nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you friggin pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever friggin does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer than life?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here ***hole!

[Biff]

I get this one allot... My reply is always:

"Sure, here use this one... It's my favorite piece, so please don’t write on it... I am trying to keep it in mint condition."

[Guest]

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
Why do we wash BATH TOWELS--aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw You! What good is a friggin cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ****nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the friggin ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you friggin pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever friggin does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer than life?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here ***hole!

HAHAHA! My mother has to read this!