Things that are the work of Satan
Posted: Thu May 15, 2003 4:40 am
Things that are the work of Satan, as told by Claire.
(also known as TheLeperFairy or Jimmy the Wonder Slug or THE CHEESE.)
1. Oatmeal (let's get that one on here right away, it is slimy, has the texture and appearance of diareaha. It has no taste whatsoever. Given I haven't eaten any since it was forced down my throat in preschool. But the smell of it in the morning is about enough to make me want to gnaw on a big ol piece of tin foil (which I used to do before I got fillings))
2. The Backstroke (this stroke is just for people afriad to get thier face wet and don't mind ramming their head into the cement sides of pools over and over and over and over. Or maybe they enjoy looking at the sky. It is all beyond me, but the bottom line is: This stroke is the work of Satan.)
3. My geometry teacher (She is a troll who has the teaching abilities of a cantalope. I sit in the very middle row front desk. This woman must hate me. No one should be subjected to having to stare at those chins for 50 minutes a day. If she were nice, I would understand, but she isn't nice... at all. She also is about 5'1" and I am 5'11" this makes it all the more weird when she stands as close to me as her bulk will allow.)
4. Lunges (Lunges suck. Every coach know that there is no way you can do 2 laps of lunges around a pool, but if you do them wrong you are forced to do more and more and more! Each successive one gets worse, thus causing more lunge laps to be issued to the woeful coachee.)
5. Skateboarding (I love skateboarding, I really do. But it was put on this earth to frustrate me. Last night I spent an hour trying to ollie(the simplest trick ever), I got it about an inch up ON A CARPET. Now I still have to perfect that, move onto pavement, then do it while moving and then do it while moving over things. Then I can move on to bigger and better tricks. This isn't possible yet I keep trying. This sport sucks, yet I can't stop... grrr...)
6. Dodgeball (and any other P.E. game that isn't an official sport. Why is winging balls at eachother as hard as possible considered fun? Or allowed? It's barbaric, I hate that game, it is the work of Satan.)
7. Standardized tests (All those damn little bubbles... it's seriously depressing opening up a packet of questions knowing you will have to stare at a sheet full of little dots for the next 2 or so hours. Filling in the bubbles that spell your name is hard enough. Once I got off by one bubble on #7 or so and had to redo the entire test. Ergo, standarized tests are also the work of satan.)
8. Bees (I got stung once on the eye. That was hideous. I think I must be alergic, not very bad though, but I swell up really bad.)
9.Spiders (Spiders are disgusting. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they move. I hate the way they make my arms/back feel when I think about them (it gets all tingly and weird). I hate how they are colored. I hate how I stepped on one once and little spiders crawled out. I hate how I am the only one that hates them and I am the only one who had not one, but 2 spiders on them in a single tennis meet (It's karma I tell you! That's why I stopped killing them, it made them come after me.) I hate spiders.
10. Fresh water fish (Like Rainbow Trout. Ever had one of those things that you eat and get violently sick and everytime after that you associate that food with your prior episode of being sick? Yeah? Me too. That is why I hate trout. *shudder*)
11. Disco/Party/Club/Dance Music (this type of music is loaded with one hit wonders and they all suck. They are catchy type songs that embed themselves in your brain and repeat over and over until along comes some other catchy new Disco/Party/Club/Dance song that is an even stronger parasite song than the previous one. I tolerate rap and some country because that doesn't get stuck in your head as easily.)
12. Puns (Puns are most definately the work of satan. They are stupid like no other part of the english language could ever hope to be. Maybe it's not so much the pun as the people who use the pun and laugh upraoriously forever (ha ha they are so punny
.) I know one funny pun, that's it. The rest are TERRIBLE.)
Ok... Well that is my list of things that are the work of Satan, I know I could think of a few more in time. I hope I didn't offend anyone too badly!
Maybe I've been relatively pessimistic lately, but the first 3 would be there no matter how great of a mood I was in.
I know you guys have some to add to this list, so out with them!
(also known as TheLeperFairy or Jimmy the Wonder Slug or THE CHEESE.)
1. Oatmeal (let's get that one on here right away, it is slimy, has the texture and appearance of diareaha. It has no taste whatsoever. Given I haven't eaten any since it was forced down my throat in preschool. But the smell of it in the morning is about enough to make me want to gnaw on a big ol piece of tin foil (which I used to do before I got fillings))
2. The Backstroke (this stroke is just for people afriad to get thier face wet and don't mind ramming their head into the cement sides of pools over and over and over and over. Or maybe they enjoy looking at the sky. It is all beyond me, but the bottom line is: This stroke is the work of Satan.)
3. My geometry teacher (She is a troll who has the teaching abilities of a cantalope. I sit in the very middle row front desk. This woman must hate me. No one should be subjected to having to stare at those chins for 50 minutes a day. If she were nice, I would understand, but she isn't nice... at all. She also is about 5'1" and I am 5'11" this makes it all the more weird when she stands as close to me as her bulk will allow.)
4. Lunges (Lunges suck. Every coach know that there is no way you can do 2 laps of lunges around a pool, but if you do them wrong you are forced to do more and more and more! Each successive one gets worse, thus causing more lunge laps to be issued to the woeful coachee.)
5. Skateboarding (I love skateboarding, I really do. But it was put on this earth to frustrate me. Last night I spent an hour trying to ollie(the simplest trick ever), I got it about an inch up ON A CARPET. Now I still have to perfect that, move onto pavement, then do it while moving and then do it while moving over things. Then I can move on to bigger and better tricks. This isn't possible yet I keep trying. This sport sucks, yet I can't stop... grrr...)
6. Dodgeball (and any other P.E. game that isn't an official sport. Why is winging balls at eachother as hard as possible considered fun? Or allowed? It's barbaric, I hate that game, it is the work of Satan.)
7. Standardized tests (All those damn little bubbles... it's seriously depressing opening up a packet of questions knowing you will have to stare at a sheet full of little dots for the next 2 or so hours. Filling in the bubbles that spell your name is hard enough. Once I got off by one bubble on #7 or so and had to redo the entire test. Ergo, standarized tests are also the work of satan.)
8. Bees (I got stung once on the eye. That was hideous. I think I must be alergic, not very bad though, but I swell up really bad.)
9.Spiders (Spiders are disgusting. I hate the way they look. I hate the way they move. I hate the way they make my arms/back feel when I think about them (it gets all tingly and weird). I hate how they are colored. I hate how I stepped on one once and little spiders crawled out. I hate how I am the only one that hates them and I am the only one who had not one, but 2 spiders on them in a single tennis meet (It's karma I tell you! That's why I stopped killing them, it made them come after me.) I hate spiders.
10. Fresh water fish (Like Rainbow Trout. Ever had one of those things that you eat and get violently sick and everytime after that you associate that food with your prior episode of being sick? Yeah? Me too. That is why I hate trout. *shudder*)
11. Disco/Party/Club/Dance Music (this type of music is loaded with one hit wonders and they all suck. They are catchy type songs that embed themselves in your brain and repeat over and over until along comes some other catchy new Disco/Party/Club/Dance song that is an even stronger parasite song than the previous one. I tolerate rap and some country because that doesn't get stuck in your head as easily.)
12. Puns (Puns are most definately the work of satan. They are stupid like no other part of the english language could ever hope to be. Maybe it's not so much the pun as the people who use the pun and laugh upraoriously forever (ha ha they are so punny
.) I know one funny pun, that's it. The rest are TERRIBLE.)Ok... Well that is my list of things that are the work of Satan, I know I could think of a few more in time. I hope I didn't offend anyone too badly!
Maybe I've been relatively pessimistic lately, but the first 3 would be there no matter how great of a mood I was in.I know you guys have some to add to this list, so out with them!
'in Sam Hill' 
