Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

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Post by Furls Fire »

It is time to begin again, I think. I would imagine that both Stephen and Isaiah would want me to get right back to the reason this thread was started...and that is to post his journal entries.

I chose this next one because we both felt (Steve and I) that this was the "dawn of his understanding". He wrote this one months after his accident. He was 13. But, oh so much older than his years, as you all will see.

I must confess, after Isaiah's passing, I began to think I should stop doing this. I thought, as my heart broke because he left so soon after finally coming here, that the reason for posting Stephen's entries was gone too. I realize now that it wasn't, I know that Isaiah was just the first of many to come to me through his words.

So, I begin again, in both Steve's memory and Isaiah's...

"God guides them..."
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Stephen C »

January 19, 1984 10:11pm

This feels strange, I haven’t written in my journals for a long time. So, bear with me, my friend, I might not make much sense. The day after my last entry here, was the day I almost died. I was walking home from school and stood at the curb of the crosswalk. The crossing guard started waving at me to go, but I stood still. I stood still because I felt a hand grip my shoulder, my guardian angel. The grip was hard, but the crossing guard was getting angry, and she motioned for me urgently to cross. “There are cars waiting!” she hollered at me. So, I stepped off the curb, and the hand on my shoulder fell away. And, in that instant, I knew I wasn’t going to make it across. I didn’t even see the car that hit me. I didn’t even feel it hit me. I remember being cradled for a long time by Her. She spoke to me, but I don’t remember the words, just the feeling of peace as She held me. And the light around me was glorious! It was holy! She held me for a long long time. And then Jesus was there, I saw Him in that light. And I found my voice.

“Have I come Home?”

“Not this time, but the next. It will not be long.”

I then floated “down”, there is no other way to describe it, down down, until I felt myself in a bed, blinding fake light pierced through my closed eyelids, and there was a beeping sound. My throat felt thick, I couldn’t move my arms or legs, they were heavy. I heard Mom’s voice, calling my name, then Dad’s joined in. Then Tracie’s. I didn’t want to open my eyes though, that blinding fake light hurt them. And that’s when I realized that everything hurt. All of me hurt. Then I realized something else. I couldn’t talk because there was something in my throat and over my mouth. I couldn’t raise my arm to feel what it was, but it was there. I heard Mom’s voice again. “Stevie, can you hear me? It’s Mom.” I nodded then, at least I could do that. There were shouts of joy, the room was full of people, and I felt arms on me, and everyone talking at once, and I felt tears drip on my face as my family took turns hugging me. “Open your eyes, Stevie.” It was Dad. I didn’t want too, the light hurt them. “Come on, Son. It’s okay. Open your eyes.” A shadow took away the light then, and I forced my eyelids open. I couldn’t see much at first, but then, the smiling faces of my family came into focus. I tried to smile back at them, but couldn’t….

I was in casts, both legs, both arms. My chest had been wrapped. My lungs had been punctured so the thing in my throat was from a long tube connected to a respirator to help me breath. My skull had been fractured in two places, and was all bandaged because the doctors did surgery on me. I learned that they did 5 surgeries on me. All over me. All this was done while the Angel held me in her arms. It took me a long time to recover, which is why I’ve been away from you so long, my friend.

I’m back now. Back and almost whole again. I had to relearn to walk, it was hard but I did it. But, something isn’t quite right. I mean, I know I have a lot of work to do before I can run again, and go back to school. That isn’t it though. There is something way down deep inside me that isn’t right. I don’t know what it is, something is there that won’t get better, it will only get worse. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next year. It will lie in wait, lie until I almost forget about it, and then, then then then, then it will surface. And I know, I know it will be the end of me. I remember what Jesus told me, “It will not be long”. But, how long is long to Jesus? A great test awaits me, far greater than the one I just passed through. And my only choice is to wait for it. There is no way to prepare myself, no way to come to terms with it. How can you prepare for the unknown? So, I will just wait, and live until it comes.

I wish Tracie wasn’t away at school. She always understands me. Not that the others don’t, but she’s better at it. She talks to me, doesn’t try to tell me that I’m still recovering and the bad feelings will go away soon. She knows they won’t, she believes me when I say that I’m going to die sooner than anyone else in our family. Tracie knows me. She knows the truth of me. She knows what I mean when I say I will have to live a lifetime in only a quarter of a life. I say that to my mom, and she immediately starts looking in the yellow pages for a therapist. They don’t know what to make of me either. “Your son is just dealing with a near death experience, these feelings of doom will go away on their own.” Blah de blah blah de blah. And these guys went to college for this? Unbelievable. That was mean, I shouldn’t say things like that. I guess they are doing the best they can. They just don’t get me. That’s all. But, Tracie understands. She knows.

Well, my friend, I told you I probably wouldn’t make much sense. It’s good to be back to you, though. I don’t know why I waited so long. Maybe I was just afraid to put it all down on paper, you know? It sort of makes it all that much more real. And it was real enough. The pen feels good in my hand again, so good. It glides along the paper as though it knows what word to write even before I know it. Kind of like when I play the piano. The piano keys know which ones my hands are going to just a hair before my fingers touch them. God guides them, just as He guides the pen in my hand. Ha ha! Now, I bet you are thinking, “he’s gotten even more strange since his accident.” I suppose I have. So, I leave you with that thought. Good night, my friend.
I sing to life
and to it's tragic beauty
to pain and to strife
and all that dances thru me
the rise and the fall
i've lived thru it all...


To my brother, Steve, who held a grace and light beyond words, God bless. I love you --Tracie
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Stephen C wrote:I remember what Jesus told me, “It will not be long”. But, how long is long to Jesus?
Excellent question! :)
Stephen C wrote:She knows what I mean when I say I will have to live a lifetime in only a quarter of a life. I say that to my mom, and she immediately starts looking in the yellow pages for a therapist.
:LOLS: Moms, eh?

I commented on the things that were somewhat humorous. Maybe they weren't entirely meant as jokes, maybe not at all. But then, joy is in the ears that hear. Or so I've heard. But the rest is tearing me apart, so this is what I've commented on.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by Fist and Faith »

Furls Fire wrote:I must confess, after Isaiah's passing, I began to think I should stop doing this. I thought, as my heart broke because he left so soon after finally coming here, that the reason for posting Stephen's entries was gone too.
!! And I thought all this was to convert me!! :mrgreen:

Yes, thank you, Tracie, for starting again. Many people get many different things out of Stephen's words.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by Furls Fire »

Fist and Faith wrote:
Furls Fire wrote:I must confess, after Isaiah's passing, I began to think I should stop doing this. I thought, as my heart broke because he left so soon after finally coming here, that the reason for posting Stephen's entries was gone too.
!! And I thought all this was to convert me!! :mrgreen:

Yes, thank you, Tracie, for starting again. Many people get many different things out of Stephen's words.
*smiles*

Maybe you already have been converted...

In the quiet of my bedroom last night, while the rest of the house was sleeping, I heard my brother's voice say, "he was only the first, there are many more." And so, we begin again, and on a grander scale. I've decided to try and put some of this into book form. There is so much, it won't be an easy task...but who ever said anything worth a darn was easy? :)

And, yes, Stephen meant those things to be humorous. Even at his sickest, he always found a reason to laugh. Always. :)
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Tulizar »

Wow. I've only now started to read this thread and like so many others am left in awe. The range of emotions put to paper by Stephen are simply mind-blowing. I've found inspiration not only in the words of Stephen, but in the posts of those regulars who've contributed so much to this thread. The compassion and bond of the the posters--FF, Fist, Danlo, sky, vs and on and on remind me why I love Kevinswatch so much.

I 've managed to read most of the thread--skipping back and forth--over the past few days. I went from smiling with spirits uplifted, to nearly crying and cursing God to ultimately being humbled by the words of a wise young man.
The pen feels good in my hand again, so good. It glides along the paper as though it knows what word to write even before I know it.
Thanks for sharing your brother's gift Furls!


:)
Proverbs for Paranoids #3.

If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about answers.
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Post by hierachy »

That last entry, as brilliant as the rest. Thank you furls for sharing it.
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Post by Furls Fire »

Welcome Tulizar! :) I'm happy you found your way here and I hope you continue to find peace and inspiration in Stephen's words.

Hugglessssss to you as well, Monkey. Good to see you back! :)
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by Furls Fire »

"The great work begins..."

I'll be gone for at least a couple of weeks, not really sure how long. We are on our way to get our babies. :) Two boys and a little girl. Ayize, Naeem and Silezia. :)

Love you all!!!

Peace,
Tracie :)
And I believe in you
altho you never asked me too
I will remember you
and what life put you thru.


~fly fly little wing, fly where only angels sing~

~this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you~

...for then I could fly away and be at rest. Sweet rest, Mom. We all love and miss you.

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Post by danlo »

as one door shuts another one opens! :D
fall far and well Pilots!
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Post by Fist and Faith »

HOLY COW!!! 8O 8O I had no idea it was at this stage!!! Fire, you are beyond belief!!!!!
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by hierachy »

Furls Fire wrote:Welcome Tulizar! :) I'm happy you found your way here and I hope you continue to find peace and inspiration in Stephen's words.

Hugglessssss to you as well, Monkey. Good to see you back! :)
It took me long enough to get here, nothing's gonna make me leave now.
Chris

Post by Chris »

Took me a long time to remember how to get to this board, but I finally did. Tracie is right, I don't usually get on the internet and it takes me forever to type anything. I wanted to come back here, however. There is a power here, a pull, I felt my brother pushing me toward it again.

Got a call from Tracie a little while ago. She and Russ made it safely to Johannasberg and will be meeting with officials tomorrow about the babies. They are in a rural orphanage, she rattled off the name of the village but I can't remember it, said it will take a couple of days by car just to get there. She is in awe of Africa, said that the view from the plane was astounding and can't wait to see it all close up from the car.

My sister has always done this, has always just run along the path she says God has laid out before her. My brother too, but Stephen was right, it's Tracie's fault that he was the person he became. We all loved Stevie, but he and Tracie, there was so much more between them that the rest of us just didn't have. We never even tried to understand it, it was just there. He adored her and she him.

It has been a long time since I read through Steve's journals. The one right after his accident tears me up. He forgave the drunk that hit him that day, forgave him as easily as you and I breath. But I never could. Still can't. And Tracie has tried to help me lose the hate I feel for that man. Some things are unforgivable. He took my brother from me, all of us, and not quickly either. By his drunken act, my brother got tainted blood, and he died a slow painful death. One he didn't deserve. But he forgave him, that's the man he was. A better one than me.

He was right about Tracie, she is "earth mother incarnate". What she did for Isaiah, and what she is now doing for those babies, is who she is. As Isaiah said, she is undeniable, don't tell her no, she won't listen to it. Nothing is impossible, when Tracie sets her mind to do something, it gets done. I truly hope you all get to meet her at your get-together in June.

Okay, I've rambled on just a little too much I think. Not used to this message board stuff, so if I made a fool of myself, I'm sorry about that. I'm internet ignorant.

Take it easy everyone,

Chris McKinney
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Post by danlo »

Thanks very much Chris! (you are no fool 8) )
fall far and well Pilots!
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Indeed! Thank you, Chris!! And doesn't this seem like a good place to get your internet-legs??? :D

As for hating the guy who hit Steve, I wish I could help you stop hating. All I can say is that you're hurting yourself at least a little, but him not at all. But I've never had any personal experience along these lines, so I can't say I'd be able to do it myself.

And yes, I've noticed Tracie's inability to gracefully accept a No answer. :D :D I saw it happening when Isaiah got there, and thought he was going to return to England. Yeah, right!! :D
Last edited by Fist and Faith on Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Chris M.

Post by Chris M. »

Got some info for all of Tracie's friends here. She called our folks a little while ago, told them they have three new grand babies, who are just beautiful. Although, Selizia, the little girl, is in acute HIV infection, which means that the HIV virus has begun to attack her immune system. No one is entirely sure why, as this type of progession usually takes years. And in babies, the HIV virus can usually be cured. Anyway, they just need to finalize the adoption papers with the officials in Johannesburg and then they will be on their way home. Tracie said she couldn't believe the poverty that these people live in when the country is so rich in resources. The orphanage where they picked up the babies was nothing more than a oversized falling down hut. It made her cry, and it made her angry. I'm sure she will fill you all in with more details once she gets back, which should be this weekend some time. She is amazed at how smoothly this is all going, she thought for sure that she would be there for a couple of weeks just haggling over legalities. But, those were all taken care of before she went.

Hey, and thanks for the welcome danlo and Fist. I like this place. Though, I haven't read the books you all speak of, I do enjoy reading the commentaries. Especailly those of my sister. She and Steve loved this author and his books. They would go off on discussing them all the time, confusing the hell out of all the rest of us. They were the bookworms of the family, while I barely passed all my english classes in school. Guess they got all the reading genes.

Well, off to work...

Chris McKinney
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Thanks again, Chris. Glad to hear that at least something is going well with her mission. Though I'm sure she'll have some steam to let off when she gets back to us.
Chris M. wrote:Though, I haven't read the books you all speak of, I do enjoy reading the commentaries. Especailly those of my sister. She and Steve loved this author and his books. They would go off on discussing them all the time, confusing the hell out of all the rest of us. They were the bookworms of the family, while I barely passed all my english classes in school. Guess they got all the reading genes.
Don't let it bother you. After all, Tracie may read more than you, but she's got all these wacko interpretations!!!

:mrgreen: :haha:
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon

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Post by duchess of malfi »

Welcome back, Chris, I for one hope you make a habit of dropping in here from time to time. :)

Here is a letter to the editor about my father, from the little paper in the little town where I grew up:
Opinions
Letter to the Editor
Robinett cared about his students

I read with dismay about the death of William Robinett in The Review. Even more disappointing, though, was that neither The Review nor the school system had anything to offer about a man who was dedicated to his community and to teaching its kids chemistry.

Mr. Robinett was an eccentric man who cared more than anything that his students learn chemistry. A marathon runner at 61, he would run precariously out of breath when students couldn’t come up with the right answers and begin to “flail.”

He taught chemistry at the high school before advanced placement classes were available. His class was College Prep and his goal was to ensure that kids would succeed in their chemistry classes in college and in life beyond.

Neither praise nor A’s came easy in his class, but we all knew he cared.

In 1984, when Lake Orion was still considered a hick town out in the sticks, he taught us well.

In my class of 30 or so in College Prep Chemistry, I know this -- at least four went on to become chemical engineers, five mechanical engineers, one electrical engineer and a medical doctor. And probably more that I’m not aware of -- not bad.

Mr. Robinett alone didn’t do all of this for us, of course. But I believe he taught us about chemistry and how to work hard, really hard, to get what we wanted in life. Kibby, Cronin and Pung-you had something to do with it too.

Kendy Ball Kutchek
Love as thou wilt.

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Post by matrixman »

Glad to hear that Furls's trip went well!

Just read Stephen's entry about the car accident. SIGH. Drunk drivers. I know negative emotions aren't worthy of this thread, but I can't help but be angry when I think about all the innocent lives drunk drivers have taken, all because in their arrogance they believe they're in control and not the alcohol.
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Post by hierachy »

SRD In gradual Interview, when asked about this thread. wrote:My thanks to the several considerate people who have referred me to this thread (found on kevinswatch.com under The Collective in the index, Hall of Gifts). This is not the appropriate place for a discussion of that thread. However, I urge everyone who is interested in the importance of creativity, and in the relationship between creator and audience, to take a look.
If he has only looked at one part of the watch, I'm glad it's this.
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