Stephen C. McKinney Memorial Thread (1969-2001)

[Furls Fire]

they're precious

[Fist and Faith]

Tracie, I can barely see to type through the tears those pictures gave me. I've always known that what you have done for three perfect little babies is beyond belief and beyond words. But to see it so clearly in their beautiful, smiling faces... If you're right about this whole God thing, you must surely be His proudest creation.

gotta go blow my nose

[Furls Fire]

[Furls Fire]

"And Jesus, perceiving the thought of their heart, took a child, and set him by him, and said unto them, 'Whosoever shall receive this child in my name, receiveth me' " --Luke 9:47

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:'Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?'. Then I said, 'Here am I! Send me'." --Isaiah 6:8

Just a couple of the many wisdoms I, and my brother, live/lived by.

[Skyweir]

As I noted the title of this thread I was struck by one thing .. your entire life is a memorial to Steve .. you live the word.

I cant wait to see the babies! who can fail to be in awe of such things .. I am and will always be in awe of you Tracie and Russ. You are the most amazing people!

God bless you ..

[Furls Fire]

Sky!! So good to see you I've really missed you girlfriend!

I follow my heart, because in my heart lies the path which the Lord has laid out for me. "It's so easy to see once you know where to look." Stephen said that once..well, more than once. And it's so true. Once you know how to listen to your heart, the rest is just in the "doing". Which can be a real challenge sometimes, but who ever said life was supposed to be easy?

God bless you too, Sky. Love ya!!!

[Furls Fire]

My friends, Easter is only a few days away, so I have decided to post one of my brother's most powerful and moving entries. In this entry, he quotes, from memory, several whole chapters from the Bible. Which depict the betrayal, trial, scourging, crucifixion, and resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Dated Easter Sunday, 1998, it is, by far, one his longest entries, hand written it is 23 pages, typed it is 11. He was in the hospital at the time and very sick.

Stephen did this from memory...

To all of you, I wish a very blessed Easter. Peace of the Lord be upon all of you always.

Tracie

[Stephen C]

April 12, 1998, Easter Sunday 9:22pm

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved.”—John 3:16-17

He is Risen!!! Sunrise service brought such joy to my heart this beautiful Easter morning! And as I stood in the hospital’s courtyard listening to the pastor speak out the Word, I saw the sun rise in glorious hues of oranges and purples against the brightening sky. And there, in the brilliantly illuminated clouds hovering just above the rising sun, I saw the face of He who is the Son of God. My knees gave way and I dropped down on them, my eyes fixed on the Him. My soul swelled within me, my heart welled with love, my body’s pain subsided, and a divine grace filled me. I stared at His Face even after the sun blinded my eyes, and I wept for joy. I closed my eyes and His Face was embedded into the backs of my eyelids. And in seeing Him I was humbled.

I felt the hands of my brothers on me then, and they gently pulled me up. I fell so hard on the concrete that my knee caps and hands were bleeding, yet I didn’t feel any pain in them. I heard Matt say to Chris that they should have not brought me down for the service. And I tried to tell them what I saw but I was weeping too hard. Singing broke out around me then as the pastor began leading all the patients and their families attending into “How Great Thou Art”

“So sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee…How great Thou art, how great Thou art…”

But I wasn’t allowed to stay. Because of the bleeding of my hands and knees, I had to be removed quickly, tainted blood. As I was wheeled in my chair back to my room, bandages were wrapped hastily around my scraped hands. And I lost myself into the words of Jesus as quoted in the book of Isaiah…

“Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands….” --Isaiah 49:16 KJV

Now, I lay here and my hand wants to write out what is in my heart. And in my heart is the love of Jesus and the sacrifice He made for me, for all God’s children. So, I will write it out, all of it, from the Betrayal to the Resurrection as memory serves me…

Luke, Chapter 22 KJV

Now the feast of unleavened bread drew nigh, which is called the Passover.

And the chief priests and scribes sought how they might kill him; for they feared the people.

Then entered Satan into Judas surnamed Iscariot, being of the number of the twelve.

And he went this way and communed with the chief priests and captains, how he might betray him unto them.

And they were glad, and covenanted to give him money.

And he promised, and sought opportunity to betray him unto them in the absence of the multitude.

Then came the day of unleavened bread, when the Passover must be killed.

And He sent Peter and John saying, “Go and prepare us the Passover, that we may eat.”

And they said unto Him, “Where wilt thou that we prepare?”

And He said unto them, “Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet y ou, bearing a pitcher of water; follow him into the house where he entereth in.

“And ye shall say unto the Goodman of the house, The Master saith unto thee, Where is the guest chamber, where I shall eat the Passover with my disciples?

“And he shall show you a large upper room furnished: there make ready.”

And they went, and found as he had said unto them: and they made ready the Passover.

And when the hour was come, He sat down and the twelve apostles with him.

And he said unto them, “With desire I have desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer:

“For I say unto you, I will not any more eat thereof, until it be fulfilled in the kingdom of God.”

And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and said, “Take this, and divide it among yourselves:

“For I say unto you, I will not drink of the fruit of the vine, until the kingdom of God shall come.”

And he took bread, and gave thanks, and broke it, and gave unto them, saying, “This is body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of Me.”

Likewise als the cup after super saying, “This cup is the new testament in my blood, which is shed for you.

“But, behold, the hand of him that betrayeth me is with me on the table.

And truly the Son of man goeth, as it was determined: but woe unto that man by whom his is betrayed!”

And they began to enquire among themselves, which of them it was that should do this thing

And there was also a strife among them, which of them should be accounted the greatest.

And He said unto them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors.

“But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve.

“For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? Is not he that sitteth at meat? But I am among you as he that serveth.

“Ye are they which have continued with me in my temptations.

“And I appoint unto you a kingdom, as my Father hath appointed unto me;

“That ye may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on the thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel.”

And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:

“But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy bretheren.”

And he [Peter] said unto Him, “Lord, I am ready to go with thee, both into prison, and to death.”

And He said, “I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.”

And He said unto them, “When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye anything?” And they said, “Nothing”.

Then he said unto them, “But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip:and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one.

“For I say unto you, that this that is written must yet be accomplished in me, and he was reckoned among the transgressors: for the things concerning me have an end.”

And they said, “Lord, behold here are two swords.” And He said unto them, “It is enough.”

And He came out, and went, as He was wont, to the mount of Olives and is disciples also followed him.

And when He was at the place He said unto them, “Pray that ye enter not into temptation.”

And He was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast and kneeled down, and prayed,

“Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will but thine, be done.”

And there appeared an angel unto Him from Heaven, strengthening Him.

And being in an agony He prayed more earnestly and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

And when He rose up from prayer and was come to His disciples, He fround them sleeping for sorrow.

And He said unto them, “Why sleep ye? Rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.”

And while He yet spake, behold a multitude, and he that was called Judas, one of the twelve, went before them, and drew near unto Jesus to kiss Him.

But Jesus said unto him, “Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?”

When they which were about Him saw what would follow they said unto him, “Lord, shall we smite with the sword?”

And one of them smote the servant of the high priest, and cut off right ear.

And Jesus answered and said, “Suffer ye thus far.” And He touched his ear, and healed him.

Then Jesus said unto the chief priests, and captains of the temple, and the elders, which were come to him. “Be ye come out, as against a thief, with swords and staves?

“When I was daily with you in the temple, ye stretched forth no hands against me. But this is your hour, and the power of darkness.”

Then took they Him, and led Him, and brought Him into the high priest’s house. And Peter followed afar off.

And when they had kindled a fire in the midst of a hall and were set down together, Peter sat down among them.

But a certain maid beheld him as he sat by the fire and earnestly looked upon him and said, “This man was also with Him.”

And he denied Him saying, “Woman, I know Him not.”

And after a little while another saw him and said, “Thou art also of them”. And Peter said, “Man, I know Him not.”

And about the space of one hour after another confidently affirmed saying, “Of a truth this fellow also was with him, for he is a Galilaean.”

And Peter said, “Man, I know not what thou sayest.” And immediately, while he spake, the cock crew.

And the Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said unto him, “Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny Me thrice.”

And Peter went out and wept bitterly.

And the men that held Jesus mocked Him, and smote Him.

And when they had blindfolded Him, they struck on the face and asked Him saying, “Prophesy, who is it that smote thee?”

And many other things blasphemously spake against Him.

And as soon as it was day, the elders of the people and the chief priests and the scribes came together and led him into their council saying.

“Art thou the Christ? Tell us.” And He said unto them, “If I tell you, ye will not believe.

“And if I also ask you, ye will not answer Me, not let Me go.

“Hereafter shall the Son of man sit on the right hand of the power of God.”

Then said they all, “Art thou the Son of God?” And He said unto them, “Ye say that I am.”

And they said “what need we any further witness? For we ourselves have heard of his own mouth.”

Luke, Chapter 23:1-25 KJV

And the whole multitude of them arose, and led him unto Pilate.

And they began to accuse him saying, “We found this fellow perverting the nation, and forbidding to give tribute to Ceasar, saying that he himself is Christ King.”

And Pilate asked him saying, “Art thou the King of the Jews?” And He answered him and said, “Thou sayest it.”

Then said Pilate to the chief priests and to the people, “I find no fault in this man.”

And they were the more fierce saying, “He stirreth up the people, teaching throughout all Jewry, beginning from Galilee to this place.”

When Pilate heard of Galilee he asked whether the man were a Galilaean.

And as soon as he knew that He belonged unto Herod’s jurisdiction, he sent Him to Herod, who himself was also in Jerusalem at the time.

And when Herod saw Jesus, he was exceedingly glad, for he was desirous to see Him of a long season, because he had heard many things of Him and he hoped to have seen some miracle done by Him.

Then he questioned Him in many words, but He answered him nothing.

And the chief priests and scribes stood and vehemently accused Him.

And Herod with his men of war set Him at nought, and mocked Him, and arrayed Him in a gorgeous robe and sent Him again to Pilate.

And the same day Pilate and Herod were made friends together, for before they were at enmity between themselves.

And Pilate, when he had called together the chief priests and the rulers and the people,

Said unto them, “ye have brought this man unto me, as one that perverteth the people and behold I, having examined Him before you, have found no fault in this man touching those things whereof ye accuse Him.

“No, nor yet Herod, for I sent you to him and lo, nothing worthy of death is done unto Him.

“I will therefore chastise Him and release Him.

(for of necessity he must release one unto them at the feast)

And they cried out all at once saying, “Away with this man, and release unto us Barabbas”

(who for a certain sedition made in the city and for murder was cast into prison)

Pilate therefore, willing to release Jesus, spake again to them.

But they cried saying, “Crucify Him, crucify Him!”

And he said unto them a third time, “Why what evil hath He done? I have found no cause of death in Him. I will therefore chastise Him and let Him go..”

And they were instant in loud voices, requiring that he might be crucified. And the voices of them and the chief priests prevailed.

And Pilate gave sentence that it should be as they required.

And he released unto them him that for sedition and murder was cast into prison, whom they had desired; but he delivered Jesus to their will.

John, Chapter 19:1-30 KJV

Then Pilate therefore took Jesus and scourged Him.

And the soldiers platted a crown of thorns, and put it on His head and they put on him a purple robe and said,

“Hail King of the Jews!” and they smote Him with their hands.

Pilate therefore went forth again and saith unto them, “Behold, I bring Him forth to you, that ye may know that I find no fault in Him.”

Then came Jesus forth, wearing the crown of thorns, and the purple robe. And Pilate saith unto them, “Behold this man!”

When the chief priests therefore and officers saw him, they cried out saying, “Crucify Him, crucify Him!” Pilate saith unto them, “Take ye Him and crucify Him, for I find no fault in Him.”

The Jews answered him, “we have a law, and by our law He ought to die, because He made Himself the Son of God.”

When Pilate therefore heard that saying, he was more afraid.

And went again into the judgment hall, and saith unto Jesus, “Whence are thou?” But Jesus gave him no answer.

Then saith Pilate unto Him, “speakest thou not unto me? Knowest thou not that I have the power to crucify thee, and have power to release thee?”

Jesus answered, “Thou couldest have no power at all against Me, except it were given thee from above: therefore he that delivered Me unto thee hath the greater sin.”

And henceforth Pilate sough to release him, but the Jews cried out saying, “If thou let this man go, thou are not Caesar’s friend; whosoever maketh himself a king speaketh against Caesar.”

When Pilate therefore heard that saying, he brought Jesus forth, and sat down in the judgment seat in a place that is called the Pavement, but in the Hebrew, Gabbatha.

And it was the preparation of the Passover, and about the sixth hour and saith unto the Jews, “Behold your King!”

But they cried out, “Away with Him, away with Him, crucify Him!” Pilate saith unto them, “Shall I crucify your King?” The chief priests answered, “We have no king but Caesar.”

Then delivered he Him therefore unto them to be crucified. And they took Jesus, and led Him away.

And He bearing His cross went forth into a place called the place of a skull, which is called in Hebrew Golgotha.

Where they crucified Him, and two other with him, on either side one, and Jesus in the midst.

And Pilate wrote a title and put it on the cross. And the writing was JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF JEWS.

This title then read many of the Jews, for the place where Jesus was crucified was nigh to the city and it was written in Hebrew and Greek and Latin.

Then said the chief priests of the Jews to Pilate, “Write not, The King of the Jews, but that He said, ‘I am the King of the Jews.’”

Pilate answered, “What I have written I have written.”

Then the soldiers when they had crucified Jesus, took His garments and made four parts, to every soldier a part and also His coat. Now the coat was without seam, woven from the top throughout.

They said therefore among themselves, “Let us not rend it, but cast lots for it, whose it shall be, that the scripture might be fulfilled, which saith, ‘they parted My raiment among them and for My vesture they did cast lots.’” These things therefore the soldiers did.

Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Cleophas and Mary Magdalene.

When Jesus therefore saw His mother, and the disciple standing by, whom He loved, he saith unto his mother, “Woman, behold thy son!”

Then saith He to the disciple, “Behold thy mother!” And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home.

After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith. “I thirst”

Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar, and they filled a spunge with vinegar, put it upon hyssop and put it to his mouth.

When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, “It is finished.” And He bowed His head and gave up the ghost.

I must pause here. I must. My eyes blur with tears, my heart aches, my soul weeps.


** Still Easter Sunday, 1998 11:36pm **

I must finish before the day ends. My hand shakes to finish, my heart pounds to finish, and my soul swells with the need to finish…

So, from the Gospel according to John, from Chapter 19, Verse 31…as memory serves…

The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain up the cross on the Sabbath day, (for that Sabbath day was a high day) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken and that they might be taken away.

Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified, with Him.

But when they came to Jesus, and saw that He was dead already, they brake not His legs.

But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced His side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.

And he that saw it bare record, and his record is true. And he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe.

For these things were done, and the scripture should be fulfilled, ‘a bone of Him shall not be broken.’

And again another scripture saith, ‘they shall look on Him whom they pierced.’

And after this Joseph of Arimathaea, being a disciple of Jesus, but secretly for fear of the Jews, besought Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus. And Pilate gave him leave. He came therefore and took the body of Jesus.

And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of Myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.

Then took they the body of Jesus, and wound it in linen clothes with the spices, as the manner of the Jews is to bury.

Now in the place where he was crucified there was a garden, and in the garden a new sepulchre herein was never man yet laid.

There laid they Jesus therefore because of the Jews’ preparation day, for the sepulchre was nigh at hand.

John, Chapter 20 KJV

The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.

Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them. “They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid Him.”

Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.

So they ran both together, and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and come first to the sepulchre.

And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying, yet went he not in.

Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie

And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.

Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre and he saw and believed.

For as yet they knew not the scripture that he must rise again from the dead.

Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.

But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping, and as she wept, she stooped down and looked into the sepulchre.

And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.

And they say unto her “Woman, why weepest thou?” She saith unto them, “Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know where they have laid Him.”

And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

Jesus saith unto her, “Woman, why weepest thou? Whom seekest thou?” She, supposing Him to be the gardener, saith unto Him, “Sir, if thou have borne Him hence, tell me where thou hast laid Him, and I will take Him away.”

Jesus saith unto her “Mary.” She turned herself, and saith unto Him. “Rabboni”, which is to say, Master.

Jesus saith unto her, “Touch Me not, for I am not yet ascended to my Father. But go to my bretheren and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father and to my God, and your God.”

Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that He had spoken these things unto her.

Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews, came Jesus and stood in the midst, and saith unto them, “Peace be unto you.”

And when He had so said, he shewed unto them His hands and His side. Then were the disciples glad, when they saw the Lord.

Then said Jesus to them again, “Peace be unto you, as my Father hath sent Me, even do send I you.” and when He had said this, He breathed on them, and saith unto them, “Receive ye the Holy Ghost:

“Whose so ever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them: and whose so ever sins ye retain, they are retained.”

But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

The other disciples therefore said unto him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said unto them, “Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into His side, I will not believe.”

And after eight days again His disciples were within, and Thomas with them. Then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst and said “Peace be unto you.”

Then saith He to Thomas, “Reach hither thy finger and behold my hands, and reach hither they hand and thrust it into my side, and be not faithless, but believing.”

And Thomas answered and said unto Him, “My Lord, and my God.”

Jesus saith unto him, “Thomas, because thou hast seen Me, thou hast believed. Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.”

And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book:

But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God: and that believing ye might have through His Name.

He is Risen!!!! And now my hand fails me, and my soul desires sleep. Praise and glory to Jesus Christ, who lived for us, who suffered for us, who died for us, who rose for us, who LOVES us!!!

[Chris]

I'd say, that my brother's memory served him extremely well. We had gathered there in San Francisco that Easter, because he was so sick. When he fell to his knees, Matt and I kept trying to pull him up, but he never even felt us or heard us. He was lost in his vision. It was one of the many epithanies Stephen experienced in his short life.

Quoting the Bible was as natural to him as breathing is to you and I. Not only the KJV, but NIV version as well. Though he preferred the KJV. My brother walked in the grace of God his whole life here on earth. He used to say.."I have the Lord's Word living in my soul." And he did.

Happy Easter everyone

Chris McKinney

[Fist and Faith]

Good to see you again, Chris.

"I have the Lord's Word living in my soul."

Very nicely worded! As I expect from Stephen.

[Chris]

He had an amazing way with words.

Tracie, how long did it take you to type that one? And I just noticed that I spelled "epiphanies" wrong. I'm terrible at this computer stuff.

I'm not like my brother and sister, words don't come that easy for me. They seem always able to just express themselves so naturally. But me, I trip all over myself just trying to say something vaguely coherrent.

Hope you all enjoyed my brother's telling of the greastest story ever told. Reading that entry again, just made my eyes mist over...

Have a good night

Chris McKinney

[Fist and Faith]

Well. Thank you, Tracie, for typing all that out! I know it's a labor of love for you, in more than one way, so you weren't really put out. Still, thanks for sharing with us.

He is Risen!!! Sunrise service brought such joy to my heart this beautiful Easter morning!

This is great stuff! I so enjoy seeing someone finding such joy in their beliefs. Like Eric in Chariots of Fire:

"I believe that God made me for a purpose. For China. But he also made me fast! And when I run I feel His pleasure."

Then came Jesus forth, wearing the crown of thorns, and the purple robe. And Pilate saith unto them, “Behold this man!”

When the chief priests therefore and officers saw him, they cried out saying, “Crucify Him, crucify Him!”

I'll bet Stephen knew Bach's St. John Passion pretty well. When they get to this part, and the chorus cries, "Kreuzige, kreuzige!" I'm telling you, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up! The way Bach wrote it, you can feel their hate and rage.


Then there's the St. Matthew Passion. Stephen didn't write it in this entry, but there's another powerful moment that I may as well tell you about. After Judas kisses Jesus, and they take him away, a chorus starts singing sadly:
So ist mein Jesus nun gefangen. (So is my Jesus captured now.)

Then, breaking the calm sorrow, the other chorus jumps in:
Laßt ihn! haltet! bindet nicht! (Loose him, do not hold, do not bind him!)

The first time I heard this, I jumped! It's so unexpected, such a change, very powerful.

[Durris]

Fist, your reflections reminded me of another choral moment that always leaves me speechless.

Last year and the year before that, I attended Good Friday services at a downtown church different from my usual one. Both times the choir sang the "Improperia" ("Reproaches") by Tomas Luis de Victoria (1548-1611)--a setting of an ancient text that represents Christ as asking all humankind,

"O my people! What have I done to thee, or in what have I wearied thee? Testify against me!"

[Furls Fire]

Oh my goodness Fist!!! We play the Passions every Easter!!! Of course Stephen knew them!!

So is my Jesus captured now.
Loose him, do not hold, do not bind him!
Moon and light are quenched for sorrow,
because my Jesus is captured.
Loose him, do not hold, do not bind him!
They lead him away, he is bound.

Breath-taking!!

And Durris..the Improperia is also heart stopping. Such beauty there is in the music praising our Lord! I lose myself in it.

Oh and Chris. I love you Took to two days to type it all.

He is Risen!!! Sunrise service brought such joy to my heart this beautiful Easter morning!

This is great stuff! I so enjoy seeing someone finding such joy in their beliefs.

Steve was so sick at the time, but he found a way to be sure he was out there for sunrise service that morning. Actually, Matt threatened to tie him to his bed because everyone insisted he was too ill to go down for it.

"My heart works, my legs work, my arms work, and I can hold up my head. I am going, His will commands it. I must go, and will go. Now, find me a chair..."

And that was that...there was no refusing Stephen C. McKinney

[Fist and Faith]

Too much!

[Stephen C]

July 23, 1999 6:02am

At dawn I took to the woods. Crossing beyond the property lines and into the peace of the dense trees. I thought I may have to mark my way, and yet, on either side of me I felt their presence and knew I didn’t need to worry about getting lost. So I walked, breathing in the mountain air. Summer in all its fullness lay on the forest, and the birds began to sing. I walked on, letting peace fill my soul, letting nature engulf all of my senses, letting God’s grand design swallow me whole. I forgot my pain, forgot my illness, forgot my imminent mortality and just basked in that one eternal moment of grace. Then, without preamble, the trees gave way to this vast verdant meadow. Wild flowers growing here at random, in brilliant colors, and in its center a family of deer stand feasting on a large clump of them. They looked on me briefly as I walked forward into the sun. I opened up my arms and shouted to Heaven. “What wonders You so graciously bestow!” The deer regarded me curiously as if to say, “must you be so loud?” Oh, how I laughed, I laughed so hard that I broke into coughing. So lay down in the dew drenched grass and let the coolness seep into me. I gazed up at the blue sky and thought of that remarkable song from “The Wounded Land”…

Andelain I hold and mold within my fragile spell,
While world's ruin ruins wood and wold.
Sap and bough are grief and grim to me, engrievement fell,
And petals fall without relief.
Astricken by my power's dearth,
I hold the glaive of Law against the Earth.

Andelain I cherish dear within my mortal breast;
And faithful I withhold Despiser's wish.
But faithless is my ache for dreams and slumbering and rest,
And burdens make my courage break.
The Sunbane mocks my best reply,
And all about and in me beauties die.

Andelain! I strive with need and loss, and ascertain
That the Despiser's might can rend and rive.
Each falter of my ancient heart is all the evil's gain;
And it appalls without relent.
I cannot spread my power more,
Through teary visions come of wail and gore.

Oh, Andelain! forgive! for I am doomed to fail this war.
I cannot bear to see you die - and live,
Foredoomed to bitterness and all the grey Despiser's lore.
But while I can I heed the all
Of green and tree; and for their worth,
I hold the glaive of Law against the Earth.

There is something so unfantastic about that song, that lament. The law of nature in our very real world is so fragile. I can see the erosion of progress toppling the law. God’s wonders moiled over by the human desire of expansion.

Tracie’s choice of home is so perfect, so vibrant, so heavenly. There is no place for AIDS here. No place, I defile it just by walking through it. “And all about and in me beauties die.” Is this how Covenant felt as he made his leprous way through the vibrance of Andelain that first time with Atarian? I understand him, I understand how he must have suffered, seeing and sensing and feeling and hearing all that health everywhere, knowing it wasn’t his. Knowing he tainted it just by passing himself along side it. Is it any wonder he denied it? Strove to assert his unbelief of it so vehemently?

I look at this meadow as I sit here writing, soaked to the skin now by Heaven’s cleansing dew. My own tears clouding my attempt to get down these jumbled musings. You know, Steve, you are sounding sorry for yourself again. You lie here in God’s garden and you only think of how you taint it? Yes, yes yes yes, I do. Forgive me, but I do. A voice whispers then. “Look on the ones feasting on the garden, could you not find joy in that?” I can, yes. I find joy in the simple notion of just being here. And yet, I wonder what would happen if I bled on this ground? Would I poison it? Would my blood seep into it’s fragile law and corrupt it, turning it all black and red, make it bleed? AIDS has no place here.

I see them approach through my tears. The wee ones, the fawns, five of them, I see them coming to me as I write. They encircle me, their gazes inward on me, their soft eyes probing. One comes forward then, nuzzles my neck. Another comes, nuzzles at my hair. And the others come and lay beside me, their heads rest on my crossed legs. “Ah Father!!! Your comfort is unceasing, Your love boundless!!”

I drop my pen…

[Fist and Faith]

Ah, Stephen! I will unconditionally guarantee that you NEVER defiled or tainted ANYTHING in your life! Not for a single second!

To think that his illness could possibly be of any consequence to such a place... To think that it would even notice AIDS in the face of the love he embodied. He must have been having an extraordinarily difficult few days - difficult not by my puny standards, but by even his - to be surrounded by such beauty, and yet fall into such thoughts.

[Furls Fire]

If you really read that entry, you will see how much joy he felt just walking thru the woods that morning. But then, as he began to ponder the beauty around him, he felt as tho he didn't belong in it. It was times like this that he forgot AIDS was not all he was. And it was also in these moments where his faith alone pulled him back from losing himself in AIDS. As the fawns surrounded him, he lifted himself away from such thoughts. He was gone a long time that morning, and because he was sick I started to get worried. So Russ went out looking for him. When he found Stephen, my brother was laying on the ground asleep, with the fawns still all about him. "What wonders You so graciously bestow!"

What wonders indeed. My brother was truly a great wonder.

Some may say that what happened to him that morning is just a dying man's fantasy, and that he never felt the angels walking beside him, never heard the voice of the Lord in his ear, never experienced the gift of the fawns laying by him. But, I say...remember these journals were his way of remembering his experiences, his way of gathering his thoughts. They were never meant to be read by anyone but his family. What Stephen experienced in his life here on the earth began when he was very small. These "heavenly" events were a normal part of his short life. All that he was and is came from his devout belief in our Lord. His light was the light of God's grace shining in his soul. You could see it all around him. And we, his family, were blessed beyond words to witness such events, to just be near him, hear him sing, hear him laugh, watch him face his ultimate challenge and smile at the end of it.

Ah, Stephen! I will unconditionally guarantee that you NEVER defiled or tainted ANYTHING in your life! Not for a single second!

Amen.

[The Other Sister]

Holy smokes Tracie! When you said that people were responding again to Stevie I had no idea what you meant! This is absolutely awesome. I now understand how Isaiah came to you. It's so obvious now.

Where are my manners? Hi everyone! I'm Julie, Stevie and Tracie's sister. She told me about starting this discussion thread in our brother's name a few months ago, but I never realized how much of an impact it would have on so many people. I had the pleasure of meeting Isaiah over Christmas, he was such a sweet soul. It's simply inspiring that it was Stevie's words again that led him to Tracie. Like she and Chris have said, Stevie was a gift to the world, and all that knew him (and are getting to know him), never questioned that. People walked away from him in wonder. He was that special. These journals Tracie is posting for you all to enjoy? They are only the tip of the pencil of who he was. And look what they have done? They helped heal Isaiah's soul, they helped him get ready for the next step in his journey.

Tracie, this is so wonderful! Now, we just have to get Mom, Dad and Mattie to read this.

Take care everyone!

Julie

[danlo]

Another part of this amazing family! It just never ends does it? Welcome Julie!