In Memoriam: Cagliostro

[Fist and Faith]

Always wishing I had something ... useful to say, Cag. I got nuthin'.

But I still absolutely love your sig. Honestly, I crack up every time. I just stop everything and watch it for a minute or two every time I see it.

Let's go for a Happy New Year!

hope 2021 is ever so slightly less excruciating than 2020...

That's a bumper sticker right there.

[Cameraman Jenn]

Sorry to hear about all the misery my most beloved identical twin brother separated at birth. Glad to hear about the kids happiness and glad to hear the last PET scan went well and especially to hear lymph system clear. That is always a good sign. Sending hugs and love your way.

[Cagliostro]

First off, let me say how much I appreciate the responses, and completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through all this. I wouldn't either, and am honestly touched by the sympathy and good vibes you all have heaped on me.

I had my PET scan on Monday, and today received the results.

The doc said there is some fluid in my abdomen and around my heart that they want to extract with a needle and say I will feel better once that is gone. And I thought my belly fullness was mainly gas. So it looks like next for me will be this. It doesn't seem horrid to what else I've endured, and the fact that when I bend over, I have to pretty much hold my breath, will make it easier to get around. And they'll search the fluid for cancer cells and such.

So we asked what else the PET scan showed, and he said that it really hasn't shrunk much more and hasn't grown either.

I then asked a question that I think I have been hesitant to ask: what are the chances of remission at this point. He said that he is an honest doc, and with this type of cancer, there is no remission. That the chemo is what is keeping me alive, and if I had not been taking it, we wouldn't be meeting today as it typically takes about 4 months.

Long sigh.

So I have two options at this point - start a different type of chemo as what typically happens is new chemo works for a bit until the cancer gets wise to it and mutates to accommodate it, or we can start planning for hospice care at home and prepare myself for the inevitable. He said it is not about the quantity of life but the quality.

I'm still reeling from all this new info and am feeling a bit numb from it. When do you give up? At what point do you feel like the fight is no longer worth it when you know you are going to lose anyway? I didn't even realize what fight I was fighting until now. I kept thinking I was fighting toward something instead of just stalling. So now I mourn the death of hope. And decide what to do next.

I've been a fighter against this so far, and while a lot of days I feel horrid, I do feel I've not quite gotten to the point where I am ready to throw in the towel. So I think I'll continue the chemo and hope to live until this pandemic is much more under control if I can so I can plan for a farewell tour at the very least. It sucks so much being stuck inside, and I'm pissed that because of my weakened immune system that I can't get out into the world.

I also don't know what to do about work at the moment. Should I just quit and go on disability or keep putting in the time while I can to make as much as I can before I can't do it anymore? We've got some built up this year, but I think disability pays 60% or something(?) so we'll have to see. Ugh...so much to think through over the next few weeks.

I think I'll end here for now as work is stupid busy today. I wish I had better news, but, uhhh.....suck is life.

[Avatar]

Well hell.

That's rough Cag, really rough. Sorry to hear.

I'm a big believer in quality of life being the important thing. And I also think that while there's life, there can be some tiny smidgeon of hope, but better to be realistic about it, as Logan Nine-Fingers says.

If the side-effects etc. are bearable, then no reason not to keep fighting, (or hoping ).

The work thing, I think again, is a quality of life thing. Also, if time is limited, is that what you want to spend it doing? If I could get by on 60% and had things to do, I would probably quit.

Or maybe with the Pandemic, working might give you something to do, and having something to do is important too I think.

(I know, not that helpful perhaps. )

Damn Cag...life's a bitch. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping that things get better, even if it seems they won't.

And I will (for now) leave you with this disputed quote (allegedly) by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the beauty in others;
to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here.

This is to have succeeded.

Sterkte.

--Avatar

[samrw3]

Yeah I don't even know what to say. Life stinks. I would echo most of Avatars sentiments and your own - quality of life matters. I am overly optimistic so my gut is I would try to hang on even with a sliver of hope. But neither am I in your shoes.

All I can tell you is that you are leaving a legacy here on Kevin's Watch and your touch will be forever here. More important you leaving a touch on your spouse and family members where your presence will also be forever.

[Menolly]

Love and Light, Cag.

[Seareach]

Oh Cag.

As I've said before, being pretty stoic about fucked up situations like this, I don't know what to say. I hope saying I'm stoic means you know deep beneath all that I'm not heartless.

In regards to fighting or not. I agree with other sentiments--quality of life matters.

My brother-in-law passed from a brain tumor that he battled for 12 years just before Son of Seareach was born. For along time he fought. Like you, he wanted to keep fighting until he felt it was no longer worth it. Did lots of radiation and chemo, had two ops to reduce the tumor etc. What was the turning point for him? He got tired. Not tired of living, not tired of the fight (although that was wearing), but he was just physically done, and I think he thought he'd put up such a great fight that...well...he'd done everything he could. He stopped treatment and there was a short period of time he felt great. He got to spend time with the people he loved without all the treatment and effects.

As for work. If it was me (it isn't), I'd quit. If there's any way you can do it, do it, unless you think that's one of the things that is helping you, if you know what I mean.

Always here for you if you need a chat.
Much love, Sea xoxo

[sgt.null]

Prayers Cags.

And a manly hug.

[StevieG]

Oh crap Cags. I'm genuinely sorry to hear this news, and I really don't know what to say apart from letting you know that the Watchers are behind you, thinking of you and your family.

[Fist and Faith]

I haven't looked in here for a while. Again, nothing useful to say. This kind of thing is the problem with hanging out with a bunch of people for so many years.

While I can never forgive you for teaching Dr. Doom your secrets, your time here has been less damaging to world peace.

And I can't help but wonder if your (now) wife still likes the clothing-optional springs...?

I guess my attempts at comic relief are done for the moment. But I'm sure I'll be back.

I'm happy that you're not to the point where you're throwing in the towel. Every moment of experience is, literally, everything. I'm glad you want them.

[Cagliostro]

As usual, thanks for all the good stuff folks. It really means a lot to me, and I'm taking it in and building strength from it.
I've been going through 7 types of shit lately and it mainly about my job. I hate being so negative, so I'll only say that I'm probably going to quit, but I don't expect to have another job, and I want to provide for the family as much as possible, especially since I lose my life insurance if I leave. It's mainly that a new contractor has moved in as the previous happy shiny smiley one did not win the contract, and the new contractor seems like it is being run by the guys in Dumb and Dumber. I may be the only one who has secured their job in our team, with only a slight pay loss mainly due to my insurance not being almost fully paid. My supervisor has already turned down his position that is being offered at $10,000 less annually, and my other coworker may have already quit, but I don't know for sure. I've never been fully trained for this job as I got it two month before we were sent to work from home, and then found out I had cancer. So I'm the least trained and the only one who will probably be there after this has blown over, and I still hope to work from home for a job that a portion of the job is onsite for.

Sorry, again, I've been putting it off because I didn't want to post yet more depressing shit in an already depressing thread. I guess I aptly titled this thread, and regret not taking the advice against naming it what seems to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyway, I did have a fun time in the hospital recently, which was odd, as I had some fluid removed from my stomach. I didn't realize how big my belly was getting as I suspected it was just bloat and gassiness from the chemo, but it turn out when your liver isn't working especially well that it produces this yellowy oily liquid. I don't know all about it, and have often felt during this process that ignorance is bliss, so I just figured I'd go to the juicing room like Violet Beauregarde in the Chocolate Factory and have it squeezed.

The nurse I had was awesome and funny, and was good to talk to. Usually they don't spend so much time with you, but she commented on how nice I was, and my response was, "Why wouldn't I be? You are here to help me." She said they get a lot of assholes, apparently, which just sucks.

Then I finally got wheeled into the juicing room where they shot me with lidocaine, and then stuck a little straw looking thing into my belly about as small as those coffee stirs that I always mistook for a straw as a kid. Then they hooked a tube up to it, and started draining it.

I had 6.5 liters of this oily yellow fluid in me. It took about 30 minutes to drain me. I lost 15 pounds right then and there.

And the person who drained me and stayed with me during the process, who wasn't associated with the nurse at all, also commented on how nice I was. Which also just made me depressed for the state of humanity these days, as I never thought I was exceptionally nice.

There is a quote from the movie and I assume the play Harvey that I will share in a moment, about a guy who hangs out with an invisible 6' white rabbit who drinks with him. I would highly recommend this movie. It stars Jimmy Stewart. It's black and white, and while some things are classic and some things are just old, this is definitely one of the classics. Anyway, the quote:
"In this world Ellwood, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant, and you may quote me."

[aTOMiC]

Cags, depressing or not we are all thinking about you and want to learn as much as you are willing to share about your life and the daily struggles you overcome. I know that some days humans in general seem to be functioning on our lowest level, the weight of the world crushing down and somehow manage to get through the day. Other days we seem to be filled with enough drive and determination to take on all challenges. I wish I could have an implant inserted into my brain so that I feel energized and capable every single day but that's not how I'm wired up.

Absolutely sucks about your job. Don't you have enough to deal with without having a new pile of steaming excrement tossed on for good measure? I sure hope all that works out for you in the best way possible.

[Menolly]

Good to see you, Cag.

Harvey! I've loved that film since I was a tween. I haven't seen it in years, though.

[Fist and Faith]

Hey Cags. Good to hear from you.

Never saw Harvey. But George Carlin has this to say about Nice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on_Q16xRoxI

[peter]

Hey Cags!

Good post and not in the slightest depressing!

Re the name of the thread - change it if you've a mind to!

F*** this asshole at work - you stay on just to be a pain in his ass. Why should he get all of the breaks. The only thing of importance here is your family - end off. It doesn't matter shit if you're the best at your job or crap - forget it and draw the green each month.

If you need pumping up for this, watch Fight Club. Hell, even if you don't, watch it anyway!

[Avatar]

"In this world Ellwood, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant, and you may quote me."

I'm trying.

Thanks for the update Cag, pity about the work thing. (Can you not keep paying your insurance privately?) Still, you gotta weigh up your own mental well-being as well.

Keep on keeping on, and we'll be here to listen at least.

Stay strong.

--A

[lucimay]

It is good to hear from you, even though we can't do much than hope for you and wish you strength. Part of staying positive is not stopping doing positive things, and I think that staying in touch is positive. So, I'm hoping for you, and wishing you strength.

Ah, Cags... I wish there were words. You've been here 15 years. And I just realized I just passed my anniversary. I'll have to see how many years when I post this. Point being, a whole bunch of us love you.

yes. both these things.

just came in to catch up and reiterate that i'm a phone call away if i can help in any way. groceries, minder for the kids, laundry, maid services...ANY THING. just let me know.

[sgt.null]

Cags - I pictured Willie Wonka when you described your dejuicing.

[Cagliostro]

That was where I was going with it. In fact, I've have a second juicing since, and as they wheeled me into the room, I exclaimed, "THE JUICING ROOM!!!" The fine folks in there said that they had never heard it referred to as that, and one of them said, "At least you are not blue, as we'd have other problems to deal with." I said, "I'm so glad you caught the reference."

Sorry I haven't posted for a while in here. Just trying to deal with the whole reality of it still, and keep afloat happiness-wise.

I think I am definitely at the acceptance stage, which didn't take me long, truth be told. I saw something that said at least with the type of cancer I have, there is at least time to say goodbye. I just wish there was hope, and that this coronavirus shit was over so I could travel and actually do stuff instead of just hanging with the family.

I'm feeling things that make me think the end is probably coming soonish, probably this year, but I'm going to plug along for a while and make the best of what time I have.

We got a fucking kitten. While I thought it was a good idea at first because I wanted to see my daughters face when we got it as that is all she has wanted for a long time, I now somewhat regret it. Especially since my daughter was the first to say she hated it. But we all bounce along between loving and hating it, but she is definitely a selfish little shithead known as Moonlight. Cute as can be, but relentless and attacky. I'm sure she'll settle soon, or so I hope. I just don't want her to be mean.

I'm not in the mood to talk about the unpleasantness right now, but while I am on a new flavor of chemo, it's a lot gentler on my being after I get home from treatment, and has completely flipped from the last flavor of treatment, which was fine while I was getting treatment, but awful after a couple days. This one sucks while receiving treatment, and there was a new person who seemed to be taking over my cancer treatment that I strongly don't like, and the cancer center has had a lot of change in staff, and are much less friendly than the people who left, which is a definite bummer. And the whole job thing sucks, but I may not be the only left once the new contractor takes over, but they still haven't demonstrated anything other than complete and utter incompetence at this transition. I suspect everybody else is looking for other work. But whatever. I'll just keep doing the job, and be much less dedicated than I usually am, if I can stop myself from always trying to please everybody and especially myself. I would join the majority if I can stop taking pride in my work and did the minimum to keep employed. And not tell them that I have had the first shot of the vaccine and on Saturday will receive the second dose. Just keeping quiet about that so I don't have to go back into the office.

Anyway, wish you all the best!

[peter]

Hey Cags!


As always your stoicism in the face of adversity is a lesson to us all! Your ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other is the stuff of legends.

The rest of your situation I won't speak of - the story is yours and only you know how to live it - but the kitten situation I will because this I do know about. Stay with her. She will settle and the excessively playful behaviour will stop. This is how kittens are and will have no relationship to the cat she will become. My older cat was a little minx as a kitten, but is the softest most loving little cat I have ever been blessed with. Place your trust in her and she will repay it in spades.

Great to hear your updates Cag. Hope the work and chemo situations pan out. Keep us posted.