In Memoriam: Cagliostro

Post by **Avatar** » Mon Apr 12, 2021 9:20 am

Thanks for the update Cag. May all continue to go as well as possible. Would think fewer after-effects would be worth more unpleasant process.

And what Peter said about the cat.

Vasbyt.

--A

Post by **Cagliostro** » Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:10 pm

Yeah, I love the damn cat. We are definitely sticking with her. She part of us now, and we won't give her up. She definitely likes my wife, probably because she is the one that feeds her. She tolerates me most of the time. and then she'll be all lovey for a while, and then she'll seem to hate me for a time. It's a weird loop of behavior that I don't understand.

The work thing sucks. My boss did indeed stay on, thankfully, or I'd probably have quit after this first week on the new contract. The third person of our team never let us know he was leaving or said goodbye, so fuck him. It's super stressful, and if I didn't care about providing for the family without Breaking Bad, I'd probably be gone as well. It will calm down after a bit though because most of what I'm doing is processing the ton of people who have left or were let go in this shakeup. But right now, I hates it, but I'm doing all I can do. And the new companies helpdesk and IT department in general is full of stupid as evidenced at my attempts at getting into putting in my timesheet and getting to sign up for benefits and all the difficulty I have had.

Other than that, just trudging my way through it. I'm still propping myself like the titular Bernie in Weekend At Bernie's. Eventually I'll probably get to the place like Seareach brought up that I'll just be tired and ready to hang it up, but I really want to write more of my memoirs for the kids to remember me by and feel a fire to get further than I am, although I'm not really hitting it as hard as I was. I pretty much only write when I'm in treatment, and I'm trying to transfer things over to a digital form since my writing is not something that can easily be deciphered. I did get a Rocketbook that's a nice thinnish notebook that you can write in with pen, erase with the pen as needed and then you take a picture and send it to your email or google docs or a multitude of other places and it can try and commit my horrid handwriting to text. I'll still have to correct a lot of it, but it will be easier than typing it all out, or so I think. And then when you are done with the page, it all washes free with a damp cloth and then you reuse the page. It's pretty cool. My sister turned me onto it, and she uses the hell out of hers as a management consultant.

Anyway, that's where I'm at for the moment. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I just wee'd. Sorry.

Post by **peter** » Fri Apr 30, 2021 7:30 am

Glad things are settling with the kitten Cag! She'll come around to you eventually. Cats have full on personalities and every one different. I've had a good few and no two even similar.

Good to hear you are writing your autobiography; I've thought about doing one myself but I suspect I've forgotten more about what I've done than I'd remember! Probably just as well!

Post by **Avatar** » Wed May 05, 2021 7:25 am

What about like voice-to-text software? You have to train it for a while to learn your voice, but after that it can be quite good.

--A

Post by **Skyweir** » Sat May 08, 2021 9:26 am

I dont know what the right things are to say here but Cags ... what a journey.

I think your mental wellbeing is equally as important as your physical wellbeing and this might be oh sooo wrong but I think that it can drive physical wellness.

Its a very different thing ... cancer .. and fuck cancer and the nightmare that it is .. but I have two incredible people in my life that I know and am very close to who have had serious illnesses.

My mate Tim has bone cancer .. its a rare multiple miloma and he was given a countdown .. which he has surpassed. Yes he has been on the chemo and radiation round .. he's been ill ... so ill ... but he has a great environment that he inhabits.

He lives down the road from us and we live in the country .. so trees, grasses, flowers, bird life, wildlife ... fresh air ...

Are these things cures? Not likely ... but it lifts his spirits and he has lived one year longer than he was told he would .... so far.

Sure tomorrow may be his last .. it might be my last .. who can say with any degree of confidence.

The other my husband ... he had acute necrotising pancreatitis and they feared he had pancreatic cancer .. fortunately he did not.'

My hubs is a government lawyer and had a highly stressful job with the AGs department ... I convinced him to quit .. he was 56 I think from memory and he balked at first .. but he had been given I think it was 7 years and that was wow almost 12 years ago now.

When he worked and lived in the ACT he was in and out of ICU all the time ... and the doctors weren't saying anything positive at all.

I kept on working and we moved to the country ... and that was the single best thing for him.

Instead of stress and stressors ... he had green climes, animals and peace.

He invested his time into our gardens and just doing what he felt like.

STRESS IS ONE OF THE SINGLE GREATEST KILLERS AND CAUSES OF ILL HEALTH there is ... and no I can't genuinely back that statement up with much.

There are as many articles and research out there to support that statement as there are to support the need for medical intervention and other causes of illness.

So here we are.

You are one absolutely awesome human ... and if work is as shit as you experience it as ... I would absolutely encourage you to walk away from it .. and if you can ... make a tree-change or a sea-change.

My grandmother RIP used to tell me that sea air has awesome healing properties .. I think believing it does is likely as effective.

I hundred percent believe in the the power of the human mind ... just look at what humans can do and are capable of doing .. I believe that humans manifest miracles through the simple force of their belief.

Was the country air the healing element for my two mates? Or was it the value they individually found in a change of pace? Taking time out for peace?

Acceptance and hope do not have to be binary equations ... both can exist simultaneously ... acceptance for the inevitable consequence of life and living ... or illness and that god awful fucking cancer.

I guess Im saying .... find peace ... and see where that leads and what results from ... it.

I do think stress is more harmful than useful ... and no job or no amount of money is worth the harm it causes.

Sending love and hugs and more love and hugs Cags ... and Im glad you have a kitty that can tolerate you at times lol

We love you and are here and a phone call or a messenger text away

Post by **Skyweir** » Tue May 11, 2021 4:05 am

ok I woke up with the compelling need to write about lol

indigenous Australian ritual of pointing-the-bone or pourri-pourri.

Not just any bone, the death-bone.

An indigenous kurdaitcha or sorcerer or shaman practiced what is described in a West Australian Coronial Inquiry into aboriginal deaths in custody. I can find the link another time.

If the kurdaitcha pointed the death bone at a member of his group, tribe .. they would die.

Because the death-bone had magical properties? Maybe but arguably unlikely.

Or because the magic of the kurdiatcha was powerful? Maybe but arguably unlikely.

What is interesting is that death would occur in 100% of occurrences and allegedly nothing could be done to prevent it.

Why?

Because of the power of belief, faith, maybe even fear.

Those that had the pourri-pourri ritual undertaken believed ABSOLUTELY in the power of both the kurdaitcha and the pourri-pourri.

They willed themselves to death through their own belief.

I share this as an example of what power there is in the human mind to realise outcomes, both negative and positive and the need to reduce mental stressors and focus on those things that enrich you.

Breaking bad dude learned that his efforts were essentially futile ... and the time he invested in building some semblance of financial security cost him his opportunity to live and enjoy time with them.

Im sure if you asked your family what they would want more from you ... their answer would be ... simply you .. and time with you.

Post by **Cagliostro** » Thu May 27, 2021 8:47 pm

As I keep going through this job, yeah, I think you are probably right. I'm just not sure how I would pay for treatment without the insurance. That's the great price of being an American. But yeah, when I'm ready to hang it up, and deal with hospice, then that will be another nasty test of my resolve to remain positive throughout this. And I'll have to see what can pay for that, but I sure as shit will not be working during that possibly 4 months. If it gets much worse and my boss quits, as I know he is looking for a job, I might just look and see what my options are for not working anymore might be.

For now, the "juicing" has been happening much more frequently, and depressed me pretty good for a bit as I was told there could be a spigot that could be installed that could drain the juices without me going into the hospital each time. As uncomfortable as it is to have the catheter in there while I'm being juiced, I figured this would be when I get to every week, and would delay that as long as possible, and might make my "quality of life" shitty enough to give up. But after talking with the fine folks who juice me, they said it is kinda like my port and you get used to it pretty fast, as after it heals, it's no big deal.

I've been juiced 4 times now, and the last one was only 3 weeks. And I waited too long on that one, as I was very uncomfortable. They got 10.2 liters out of me. And I'm already filling up a bit, so I think it will only be 2 weeks until I'll need another juicing.

I think I'll get the spigot installed, but maybe after a couple more trips for juicing to the hospital before that as I'm trying a bit to watch sodium and am now taking diuretics to see if that helps. If it doesn't, I'll get affixed with a thing like on those Coleman ice chests that you drain out the water from.
Yes, I'm sure it isn't like that at all. I just like to think of it like that because it amuses me.

There is a very nice nurse that I've gotten the last two juicings who is very funny and we get along well, and said last time that she had a lot of fun and hopes to be my nurse next time. I have a very minor crush on her, I'll admit. And that's a very small amount of why I am not so quick to be spigoted, which I'll also admit is stupid. Especially since the shots to numb are so damn painful, but only last a few seconds. The catheter insertion is awful as well, but I think the doc I got for the first two was less skilled at numbing the area than the two other docs I've had, for whom the insertion wasn't nearly as bad.

So, I've pretty much accepted my fate now and am just trying to enjoy what I can. I finally got to see my dad in person again as we have all been vaccinated. He came up last weekend, and it was great to hug him again. As annoying as he is to see in person, damn it was good to hang out for a while. I have two friends who want to come to visit, I'm planning an outdoor Rock Band party (where we'll probably also play Cards Against Humanity and Jackbox), I'll be seeing my sister in August, and I'm not sure when I'll see my other sister. My mom should be coming out to visit at some point, but currently she is moving from Chicago to Wichita because much of family is moving back and she wants to be at the hub of the family. My dad, who lives in Topeka, is probably moving back as well. It's weird.

I'm trying to summon up some kind of spirituality, but it isn't taking. For this godless liberal who has no sense of good and evil, I just have to hope that there is something beyond this. Because if there isn't, well, it won't matter. I could Wager Pascally, but I can't find the point. I've done my best to live my life as a good person, with a few significant missteps, but I've always kept the Golden Rule as a beacon to being a good people, and Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers led me to have what I view as a good moral compass. I have always taken responsibility for my missteps, at least the very large ones, and have apologized to those whom I affected. I feel like to a degree my slate is clean these days, and other than probably messing up my kids, I feel all right about things. I've had closure on the significant things, strangely enough with some people I thought I would never have closure with. That is certain one benefit of the internet that has served me well.

All in all, if I'm taken tomorrow, I've settled my soul and whatever adventure greets me next, my only regret would be not finishing my memoirs fast enough. I am hoping to hang on until at least Christmas, if not more, but overall I am ready to take a drive down Mystery Road.

YouTube · Post by **Menolly** » Thu May 27, 2021 9:07 pm

Cag, I don't know if you can learn anything while unqualified, but if you can, reach out to DHHS and find out how much cut in income you would need to qualify for Medicaid. Also, start checking in to Disability and SSI, as that takes forever to be approved, with initial denials and appeals via attorneys.

All three cancer treatments I've dealt with has been through Medicaid, both in Florida and here on the Eastside of Seattle. I've been quite pleased with all of the doctors and clinic/hospitals to which I've been assigned.

Post by **StevieG** » Fri May 28, 2021 9:41 am

I was really hoping to meet you one day in this life - based on your recent posts, that possibility is dwindling. Yeah I know, it's selfish of me really, but I feel like we have had a great connection on the Watch and I'd love to talk about it, or talk about anything really. I'm very glad to have virtually met you on the zoom chat thingy we had some months ago. Maybe that's a possibility in the coming period of time? Maybe not, but anyway, I feel privileged to be part of your virtual life and opinions over the years. You're one of the good guys. And although I may come across as "nice" on the Watch (I don't actually know

) I don't say that about everyone. But anyway, you're a good guy because I think so, and I'm a good judge of character

Post by **Skyweir** » Sat May 29, 2021 7:41 am

You’ve been on my mind so much lately Cags and I too look forward to meeting you in rl. But let’s facetime/zoom whatever when you have time.

I know the doctors and myriad medical professionals are preparing you for the worst and I totally think it folly t disregard medical intervention but I also believe human minds are amazing. Truly amazing.

I’ve seen my husband surpass his medically appointed demise ... granted chronic pancreatitis is a different diagnosis but my friend with multiple myloma has also surpassed his medically appointed demise.

Surround yourself with positives to empower your personal drive AND sense of self-satisfaction ... allow yourself to feel the joys of those positives in your life - let that positive energy feed you - I mean what’s the worst that could happen? You delight in your days - bask in the warmth of the sun, adore your cat (cuz cat, right?) ... let the love sooo many have for you nourish you. The love you have for your family & friends envelop you.

And make a time for a messenger, facey, signal, zoom party

lol

or whatever catch up.

You are doing all the best things - and honestly don’t stress the *spirituality* thing ... cuz honestly if there IS a god ... and let’s be honest, there could be

I certainly don’t know ... but IF there is ... having lived a good life is what it’s all about. Living true to your conscience, your ethics, what you know is right and good is acing *spurituality* in spades. And if there’s not - well there’s the personal satisfaction of living your own you.

You strike me as a person with a warm, lovely magnificent and snuggly heart

and few achieve in life what you have: love & respect of your fam & friends, a great mind and fun, happy go lucky vibe.

Post by **Skyweir** » Sat May 29, 2021 9:43 am

oh and a rock party with good music, a diverse range of grogs lol

AND cards against humanity makes for THE BEST KIND OF FUCKED UP to enjoy

Jealous that we’ll miss it!! But the NEXT one will be EPIC and NOT to be missed

Post by **Skyweir** » Sun May 30, 2021 4:52 am

Menolly wrote:Cag, I don't know if you can learn anything while unqualified, but if you can, reach out to DHHS and find out how much cut in income you would need to qualify for Medicaid. Also, start checking in to Disability and SSI, as that takes forever to be approved, with initial denials and appeals via attorneys.

All three cancer treatments I've dealt with has been through Medicaid, both in Florida and here on the Eastside of Seattle. I've been quite pleased with all of the doctors and clinic/hospitals to which I've been assigned.

THIS ^^^^

Follow through on this as a means of securing the medical treatment you need without having to stay in that toxic workplace any longer. I fail to understand how inadequate the American public health system is - hopefully there are safety nets available for people in your potentially jobless future situation.

You couldn’t pay me to live in a country with such aversion to facilitating public health processes (medicaid/medicare).

Post by **peter** » Sun May 30, 2021 6:54 am

Absolutely. It is a disgrace that people in this situation should be forced to continue to work in the face of the struggles they have to contend with in dealing with their conditions. My heart truly goes out to people who find themselves in such a deplorable situation and I am filled with anger towards any polity that would allow it.

Post by **Avatar** » Tue Jun 01, 2021 7:08 am

Late-stage capitalism.

You should see what they pay for insulin.

As always Cag, thinking of you and holding thumbs. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

--A

Post by **deer of the dawn** » Thu Jun 03, 2021 2:36 pm

Prayers, vibes, loves, healing thoughts your way, Cags. You are amazing.

Post by **Skyweir** » Sun Jul 18, 2021 6:55 am

How are you travelling Cags?

Post by **Fist and Faith** » Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:47 pm

I'm in Denver for two weeks. I looked to see if any Watcher lives here, and it seems Cags is the only one. He hasn't responded to PM. Anybody have an email?

YouTube · Post by **Menolly** » Wed Jul 28, 2021 7:47 am

He's on Facebook and I know he's friends there with aliantha. Perhaps ali can help get y'all in touch with each other?

Post by **Skyweir** » Thu Jul 29, 2021 8:34 am

Fist and Faith wrote:I'm in Denver for two weeks. I looked to see if any Watcher lives here, and it seems Cags is the only one. He hasn't responded to PM. Anybody have an email?

oooh how exciting!!!! Hope you can catch up

Post by **Cagliostro** » Thu Jul 29, 2021 9:28 pm

I'm here and realize how long it has been since I've been back to the Watch. I've been spending way too much time while working listening to AJR, a band my daughter turned me onto, and listening to podcasts and such from Marc Maron (WTF podcast), the Friendship Onion with Billy Boyd and Dominic Monahan, and Evening Skews with the Liberal Redneck. Yes, a diverse lot.

Anyway, yeah, so....news.

I just had a PET scan and the cancer is advancing again. The doc said I've just gotten to the point of the three chemos where they aren't doing anything for me anymore. By the three chemos, I mean the ones that most insurances approve.

So, the other day I had a liver biopsy to see if the tumor has mutated, and if it has, then maybe some immunotherapy will keep me propped up for another few months, and will be less harsh on my body. Fingers crossed that is an option. Because if it isn't, then the doc will try to find another chemo the insurance will accept, and again, propped up for a few more months. I didn't realize we were almost out of options, so I am a bit upset the doc didn't inform me, but also I think it would have gotten me down knowing this.

So I'm sad that I might not make it until Christmas, but there is still hope. Right now I am also having several issues going on. I had blood in my stool at some point, which turned out to be hemorrhoids (AKA the piles), which I am decidedly unhappy about, but treating. I also had the drain put in, and it is more of a pain in the ass and painful than I originally had hoped. And now in the last day or so, my belly button seems misaligned or something, and it looks to be a umbilical hernia, which offically makes me an old man. So fuck.

Still, just trying to remain positive despite my body starting to give up. It's probably a sign to my brain to do the same, but I'm fucking stubborn on that point, and still want to make it until Christmas. I'm juicing every other day with the drain, but only draining 2-3 liters. If I do more, I run the risk of my blood pressure or something like that dropping too low.

I did communicate with Fist, and we'll see if this hernia turns out to be something I have to take care of right away, which means I'll miss my opportunity with him, but if not, I'll hopefully meet him Tuesday or Wednesday.

Still working, and it is still shit, since they want to shift me off to another job that I don't want to work. Mainly because I don't want to learn new things right now for a new job. It is definitely remote still, which is good, and I think they understand the limitations I have, but I haven't been contacted by anyone about this other than that my boss has mentioned they are talking about it, then that it is almost certain to happen in September. I can't wait to quit this fucking job.

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

In Memoriam: Cagliostro