How Do You Feel Today? v4

[Menolly]

Rabbit
Rabbit!
Rabbit!!

[Khaliban]

The rabbit might have worked this time. I'm not sure. I went from feeling like I was on death row to cautiously optimistic. We'll see.

You know, I sent you a friend request on facebook, and you ignored me. Bad bunny! Bad!

[Menolly]

The rabbit might have worked this time. I'm not sure. I went from feeling like I was on death row to cautiously optimistic. We'll see.

You know, I sent you a friend request on facebook, and you ignored me. Bad bunny! Bad!

hmm…
Would I have recognized the username on Facebook?
Or
Oh! Did you send it to the Illume Eltanin account in the last couple of months? I’ve been locked out of that account and am now using one in my mundane name, but with the same profile picture the Illume Eltanin account had.

[Khaliban]

Pamela Wagner, early May. You probably didn't recognize the name. I also commented on the giant bagel video.

[Khaliban]

Cautiously optimistic.

I'm trying to process the situation, but I welcome any feedback.

In December, I discovered I was in love with a married woman. If you want the background, read my Hall of Gifts post, A Life Never Lived. Anyway, I've been suffering from severe depression for six months, because I can't be with her. Part of me wanted to tell her, part of me wanted to keep it all away from her. December and January were very rough, but I made it through. February and March, I seemed to level out. I thought that would be my new normal, a low grade depression as the price of being in love with her. I was wrong. In April, I got worse. Staying out of her life, not contacting her, became more difficult. Bad days occurred more often and lasted longer. The downward trajectory continued in May. I couldn't accept the reality of the situation. I knew it, but I ran from it. The idea of never being with her hurt more than I could take.

You must understand, I have Asperger's Syndrome. I shouldn't be able to fall in love. But I found a way around it, accidentally, and I didn't know it was happening until I was already there. I found everything I always wanted, I fell in love with the person I would have picked above everyone else, and I could do nothing about it. I would be vilified if I tried.

In May, I decided to tell her. I could finally get it out and hear a polite but clear rejection. I would feel lousy for a few months, but maybe I could move forward.

I wanted to be polite in how I contacted her, so I called her mother and left a message. No response. I called her mother again. This time, I spoke to her. I explained I was suffering from severe depression. Her daughter was an element of it, but I didn't go into detail. I hoped a conversation with her daughter would clear my head. Fifteen minutes. Twenty, tops. Still no response. Fine, the woman I love won't give me fifteen minutes to help me with severe depression. I took that as a rejection. I was also hyperfocused at this point, so I didn't consider the possibility that she might be going through something too. I get like that when I'm hyperfocused. Anyway, I felt I had the rejection, but I hadn't told her. I wanted to know she knew. Selfish, I'm sure, but it meant something to me.

I spoke to her mother again. I thanked her for trying to help and promised I would never contact her again. I was about to ask if I could explain everything when she asked me if I was married. No, I'm not. Then she asked why I was interested in her daughter. Okay. I launched into my speech, explaining Asperger's Syndrome and emotional isolation. And she asked me where I lived. Coincidentally, about twenty-five miles away. She sounded happy about that. I continued with the speech, finally dropping the bomb that I was in love with her daughter. I told her I hoped that didn't offend her. No, that didn't offend her. She sounded happy about that too. I started telling her all the things I wanted to say to her daughter. Her daughter was the best I ever found. If I could have fallen in love with anyone-- She asked me if I had a good job. Yes, they really like my work. Then she asked for my phone number. She really, really wanted my phone number. Then, she told me she'd pray for me. Then she did. Over the phone. I went from feeling like I was on death row to WTF.

That conversation happened Memorial Day, and I'm still trying to process it. I told my therapist, and she's still trying to process it.

How optimistic should I be?

[Savor Dam]

I get it. Many years ago (2009), a prominent Watcher and I (both long married) had our friendly correspondence abruptly catch fire.

This helped both of us stay centered.

The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet
And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing underneath our feet
.
.
.
The words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied

Many years later, we are still married to our spouses (with whom both of us were honest about what was happening), but still deeply bonded to each other. Sometimes the stars align and things work out, if everyone puts the work in.

Sure, be optimistic, but measured. Understand that the other person is probably already securely attached; approach this with no expectation, only openness to what may develop. This may turn out to be important to one or both of you...or nothing at all.

Linna's blurb in her avatar block "Are you not a sine qua non for a redemption?" comes to mind.

[Khaliban]

No, you don't get it.

On the one hand, thank you for trying. On the other hand, she is the only person on the planet I have ever loved and probably the only one I ever will love. That's not hyperbole. As I said, I have Asperger's. I shouldn't have been able to do this in the first place, and I can't do it again. The conditions required to make this work are no longer present in my life. I've asked the Asperger community, but, as far as I can tell, I'm the only one of us to succeed at this. I'm also not tempting anyone. If anything is happening, it was happening before I called.

Sorry. I'm new to this whole love thing, and I'm not doing a great job with it. But, this is not a situation where the familiar applies.

[Fist and Faith]

Asperger's might affect your ability to fall in love, but it's not affecting your ability to deal with it. Nobody does a great job with it. You're depressed, confused, and scared, just like all of us have been, far too many times. I've driven my car crying, and I've driven it feeling like I'm about to be the latest victim of spontaneous human combustion. "Everybody plays the fool sometimes." I have no advice worth a damn, and you wouldn't follow it if I did. But you should at least not compound what you're going through with thinking you would have this figured out and feel better if only you didn't have Asperger's. You wouldn't. You're stuck in hell for a while. Carve your initials on the wall next to mine.

[Khaliban]

I meant I haven't had any practice at it. Neurotypicals learn this when they're younger. I'm getting a crash course in the worst part of love without any preparation. I know I'm not the first person to suffer this kind of pain, but I might be the first Aspie to walk both sides of this particular fence.

[Fist and Faith]

Yeah, I understand. I just wanted to set your mind at ease in at least one regard. Your inability to find your way out of this misery is typical.

[StevieG]

Tough gig Khaliban. I have no advice. From your description, there may be room for cautious optimism, depending on whether the mother is showing interest merely for the purposes of praying for you or not. Although the additional questions certainly throw the conversation towards cautious optimism.

[Menolly]

First things first.

Do you have a means of contacting this lady directly, without needing to go through her mother? If you do, are you comfortable going that route?

[Khaliban]

First things first.

Do you have a means of contacting this lady directly, without needing to go through her mother? If you do, are you comfortable going that route?

First, yes, I found her number from an online phone book.

Second, not yet. The mother didn't say specifically her daughter was getting a divorce. She implied it heavily and really, really wanted my number, but it's been a week, and she hasn't used it. That suggests to me, if a divorce is under discussion, it is in the probably column not the definitely column.

Third, if I call her blind and ask her if she's getting a divorce, she might think I'm a stalker. She was already reluctant to help me with depression. A call like that probably wouldn't go over well.

Right now, I am trusting her mother and hoping she's on my side. That opinion might change in a few weeks. As with any family, lots of stuff is happening. I don't want to toss in a new variable at the wrong moment.

But, thank you for the support. Every little bit helps.

[Avatar]

There's really only one meaningful thing to say... Good luck.

--A

[Fist and Faith]

is there a reason to think she’s in a bad marriage?

[Khaliban]

Only her mother's reactions. She was happier than one might expect to know I lived nearby and not the least bit offended when I declared my love for her married daughter. My few interactions with her tell me she is very religious, very traditional, and very sharp. Her daughter was one of the smartest kids in our class, and I see where she got it. I don't think the mother is the type to ask questions like that randomly. If nothing else, it's eased the depression. It might be short term, but I'll take it.

[Skyweir]

I’ve got nothing Khaliban ~ but there’s some great advice, love, support and comfort given here

I guess the biggest take-away is that you have support and a cheer squad right here.

I don’t have Asperger’s so I can’t feel as you do now ~ probably no one can but you … but I have been in love and I’ve experienced a broken heart like others here have mentioned.

It’s a tuff mile ~ and we’re rooting for you

[Damelon]

Our one month old grandson is coming into town today. His mother is going to meet friends for a couple days so we get to watch the little guy.

[Menolly]

Our one month old grandson is coming into town today. His mother is going to meet friends for a couple days so we get to watch the little guy.

Aww…

[Fist and Faith]

One month old... For a couple days. Not sure I'd be up for that.