Rani (Creator's 17 yr old daughter) - Ode to Adults

[Creator]

Rani is submitting two poems to a contest. This is one of two. I told her there were wonderful people at the Watch who would give good feedback. For your enjoyment:

Ode to Adults

All the people I should trust have betrayed someone I know

The police took away my brother, the doctors wouldn't let him go

Teachers have failed my friends, therapists make them want to die

All the people I should trust have made my loved ones cry

Parents beat their kids or don't bother to come home

All of us children are just left all alone

Yet adults still say we have experienced all that's nice

"Smile at us and live our story, these are the best years of your life"

They say we don't know anything and shouldn't have a say

In what goes on in the real world with every passing day

But look at us and listen up we know more than you show

We know of death, and love, and pain that doesn't want to go

So if you think a kid is dumb and doesn't know what's what

Just pay attention and you will see our eyes have not been shut



By: Caitlin Purcell

[Creator]

This is two of two. For your enjoyment:

Song of My Heart

Singing words of wisdom

Saying words of love

Telling me of caution

Thrown to wind above

Sitting, waiting patiently

You never let me down

I know I mean the world to you

You'd never let me frown

I am always in your arms

We're never far apart

I put my soul into your hands

This is the song of my heart

Togetherness gives comfort

No longer do we know pain

This feeling lasts forever

Our love has an endless reign

When I see your smile

Its like a high you see

I've lost the word of sorrow

Sadness is a stranger to me

Ahead I see no ending

Behind I see the start

As bliss full as the present

This is the song of my heart

I want to share with others

The passion that we know

I want to sing forever

Of the love that always grows

The perfect guy is out there

Everyone can see

Our bond is made in heaven

It's the only way to truly be

If you want to find him

You can't look on a chart

Relax and find each other

This is the song of my heart.


By: Caitlin Purcell

[Avatar]

Not bad at all. I especially like the first one, it's true in every respect.

--Avatar

[Edge]

I'd say she has a pretty good shot at winning the contest.

[lhaughlhann]

I think they are great, the first one is very true. An "eye opener" I hope it gets the recognition it deserves.

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

I like them both. I like the first one more, although adults are NOTORIUS for not liking poems with messages like that.
Probably because their eyes have been shut. heh.

The second one is very beautiful. Tell her to keep writing! Don't ever stop!

[Fist and Faith]

Tell her to keep writing! Don't ever stop!

Yes!! Keep it up!! Good, raw speaking from her heart!

[Variol Farseer]

I like them both. I like the first one more, although adults are NOTORIUS for not liking poems with messages like that.
Probably because their eyes have been shut. heh.

An alternative explanation, if I might venture one, is that nobody likes being made the target of lines like these:

All the people I should trust have betrayed someone I know
. . . .
All of us children are just left all alone

I know perfectly well that I was not left all alone as a child, though it sometimes seemed to me as if I were. Yet I was more isolated than most children. And while I don't claim that anyone should trust me — in fact, I rather encourage people not to — I can't help feeling as if that first line is directed at me as well. (Probably because I am an adult, and therefore the poem is ostensibly written to me.) I feel as if I am being ordered to take the blame for someone else's self-pity.

It's a strong piece, showing plenty of raw poetic ability and a serious message, but the repeated use of 'all', the numerous blanket accusations, make it seem strident and off-putting. I came away saying to myself: 'This person is my enemy, and nothing I can do will change that, because she labelled me an enemy when I had done nothing to earn it. How unfortunate that is.'

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Justified, in a way though. If there is ever such a thing as group responsibility, we have a responsibility to our children. Especially those who view us as the enemy.

Sorry about how serious that post was. I decided today to read the entire stephen c memorial thread. I'm on page 10 now... it puts you in a certain mood.

[Variol Farseer]

Justified, in a way though. If there is ever such a thing as group responsibility, we have a responsibility to our children. Especially those who view us as the enemy.

True enough. But I have no children, have never had the opportunity to have children, and this society considers it creepy, if not downright obscene, if an unmarried, childless 38-year-old man takes an interest in other people's children — especially teenagers. (Society needs to remember that there are other human motivations besides S*E*X, but that's a rant for another topic.) It would be totally irrational for me to feel responsible for the situation Caitlin describes, because I'm not — which leaves me no reaction but defensiveness and withdrawal.

There's a big difference between poetry as a form of emotional release valve and poetry as communication. It's a pity young poets aren't taught more about that, and how to achieve the latter. But I consider that an almost inevitable result of the low place poetry holds in modern society. As J.R.R. Tolkien said of the fairy tale 65 years ago (before he helped millions of adult readers rediscover fantasy), 'It had been banished to the nursery, not because children liked it, but because their elders had ceased to like it.'

I say Ms. Purcell should hang in there, keep writing, and work on her craft. If she sticks with it, she'll be amazed by the quality of the stuff she's writing a year or two from now. And so will Creator.

[Gadget nee Jemcheeta]

Of course, Im only 21, and maybe I'm still a little close to the situation

[Rani]

So maybe this is a little late but i would like to offer some backstory as to my poems. first of all, while a lot of adults dont have kids, most look down on them but i have absolutely nothing against adults and do not blame them for any problems that i have. but the fact remains that adults have control over pretty much every aspect of a kids life. weather its their parents, teachers, police, whoever.

second i write all my poetry as either emotional releases or as gifts to people. I do not write my poems so that people will like what they say. I write so that i like how it sounds and then i ask (and greatly appreciate) any feedback i can get from people kind enough to spare me the time to read them. I do take into concideration what people think but my poems are for me first, then for anyone who wants to read them.

third i wrote that in a very difficult time for myself and when i was about 13 and had less of an understanding of how adults worked. and were i an adult (with kids or without) i would rather have every kid in the world write something as offensive as that.. than have them shooting up their schools and doing drugs all day.

I greatly appreciate the comments and thank everyone for taking the time to read my poems. i just wanted to give my two cents on where my mind was at the time

thank you bunches

[Avatar]

Allways interesting to get the story behind the poems.

Wrote something a bit similar myself, in theme at least, a good few years ago. Called They Taught Us. I'll see if I can dig it out and post it.

Everybody, even "adults", generalises almost all the time. If one is conscientious, you try to qualify statements in discussion, but it's not necessary in poetry (IMO). All that is necessary is to put across the way that it felt at the time.

Keep writing. As Variol Farseer says, it will only get better.

--Avatar

[Cate]

Rani, Your writing shows talent and passion.
They say if you love something and/or feel passionate about it, you CAN do it. if writing is something you want to do, write something every day. No matter how long or short, just let it flow out of your heart and mind.
It is encouraging to see your opening yourself to us and letting us have a peek at your feelings about some things. Thank you for that.
It is very personal and touching.
Cate

[ChoChiyo]

I enjoyed both poems. When I read the first one, I smiled--the reason is that most kids feel like this at least part of the time. My suggestion is put it in an envelope, seal it, and mark it "To Be Openned when my first born is fifteen."

You will be amazed at how much your perspectives have changed.

I don't remember for sure, but I think it was Mark Twain who said, "When I was 17, I thought my father was the stupidest man on earth. When I was 21, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in four years."

Who do you think actually did the learning?

There's nothing wrong with those feelings. And they were expressed very well. It will be interesting to see how your feelings change when your perspective changes...

I liked the second one very much too.

Keep on writing. And feel free to share other poems. I enjoy them.