Personal Ethics

[duchess of malfi]

I had some hours' long conversations with my older son over the holidays late last month and early this month. We sort of came up with a little list of ideals that we both thought would be good to live our lives by. (We actually even posted this on our family blog). Obviously, being human, we do not always meet our ideals -- and they might not work for others. But here we go:

* You usually can't go wrong with gentleness, compassion, and mercy.

* If someone hurts you badly, you probably shouldn't try to work things out with them until you can deal with them rationally and compassionately. Sometimes that can take a while, but if you are upset you should wait if you can. Otherwise you might be the one to cause unnecesary pain, and perhaps lose a friend, or someone dear to you, as a result.

* People are going to hurt you. This is a part of life. Deal with it and forgive them as best as you can. Most of the time when they hurt you, it won't be intentional, it will be the result of something they didn't fully think through, or they are just having a bad day -- or any one of a great number of other such factors. But when you do find someone who does intentionally hurt you or others -- or who is incapable of seeing that his/her actions are wrong, and causes needless pain to other people -- or someone who knowingly uses other people-- its OK to drop that person from your life -- even if its a family member. You must forgive that person as best you can for your own sake, so that you do not become lost in bitterness, but you do not have to subject yourself to likely further pain and/or abuse, either.

* If someone hurts you, whether intentionally or not, you do not have the right to hurt them in return.

* A lot of time people are confused about things, whether in their thoughts or their feelings. Sometimes this confusion can lead to inconsistent behavior, or to that person acting or speaking in ways that they usually do not, and may never use again. And sometimes and some days that confused person might be you. Tolerance and compassion and patience can help with situations like that.

* The best revenge is to go on, learn from your pain and the situation that caused it, move on in your life, and be happy.


Thought it might be fun to compare similar lists with other people?

[Avatar]

Can't say that I've ever really developed an actual list, (although, especially with your children, it strikes me as a damn good idea), as I tend to deal with issues on a contextual basis, as and when they come up, but on the whole, I think your list covers it well.

At least, it covers the way I like to think that I'll deal with situations. Sometimes, the less than pleasant sides of my personality come out though, but I do my best.

--Avatar

[The Pumpkin King]

I agree with most all the points you make and try hard to be that way, though some of my tenants can be a bit more harsh.

* Any relationship, be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or even acquaintence is a sort of unwritten contract of respect. If somebody treats me with respect, it will be returned in due. I approach people with respect initially, as well. If the respect is NOT returned or never given, and such is a remorseless action, then that breaks whatever contract existed.

* If someone does such *points to first* out of malice, they are totally written out of my existance permamantly. No hatred, no love, no emotion whatsoever. They've simply proven themselves below a line of civility that I consider necessary to my acknowledging of their existance. (See! Meanness! Grr!)

* Initially treat people the way you would want to be treated. If that's not working out too well, treat them the way they deserve to be treated, within reasonable limits. There's a clause in that little evil point in mine that, with myself that, if they harm me, I'm confident in myself enough that I can shrug it off. It's when someone harms one of my friends that things can get far more messy.

* Friends are priceless. Beyond a romantic relationship, which might very well end, a true friend is someone you'll always have around. A true, honest, total close friend is something worth dying for.

* Failure can often be a more useful experience than success, for when you fail, you are presented the opportunity to learn from it and better yourself.

* If somebody is honestly sorry about some sort of harm they committed, then forgiveness is a must. However, trust is not.

* Trust is something that is earned, and if somebody proves that they cannot be trusted, it's going to be a long battle uphill for them in order to reach the plateau of my trust again. It's not something I carelessly give out, and so I don't expect it to be treated like such.

* If *I* have committed some harm, the responsibility is on me to recognize the harm I have done and do my best to make up for it, and take full responsibility for what I did, though I would never intentionally harm someone, unless...eheh...*points to friend thing* Meanmeanmean. If it was unintentional though, I don't expect to be lynched and such for it, as people make mistakes. That applies to everyone else, as well, though I said that as much up there in the forgiveness thing.


Mine is quite a bit more harsh than yours. Eheh.

[Fist and Faith]

Mine is quite a bit more harsh than yours. Eheh.

Well, you are the Pumpkin King, after all. A bit of harshness is expected, no?

[duchess of malfi]

Actually, I tend to get a lot more upset if someone hurts a friend/family member rather then just me, too. And God help the poor soul who hurts one of my kids. Mama Dragon then goes into action!

[matrixman]

Those are lofty ideals you've listed, duchess. It's definitely a noble blueprint to live your life by, but I'd probably give up within the first week. I guess I hate rules running my life, even if they're good ones. I think I'm more in tune with Pumpkin King's. His "harsher" rules seem to fit better with the way I view the world. I generally do make an effort to be nice to people, but if they take advantage of me, then I have no interest in being around them anymore. (Forgiveness: yes, I need to work on that.) I did make up a list of principles for myself to live by a few years ago, but I haven't looked at it since, because as I've said, I don't like rules. I had enough of those in school. Besides, if I can't judge in my own heart and mind how to live and behave everyday without having to refer to a piece of paper, then I do have a problem.

[ChoChiyo]

I think it does help a person to clarify their own beliefs by setting them down on paper--and like all things, the guidelines one sets up for themselves are changeable as more learning and wisdom comes...and experience as well.

I can forgive people who hurt me. I can even forgive them many many times--but deliberate and malicious actions, repeated over and over, without repentance (or even awareness that anything is wrong with the way they are behaving) will eventually result in them being expunged from my life.

In the last three years, I have come to the knowledge that some people exclusively hurt me and provided no balancing "good," thus, their existence in my life was negative, pointless, and destructive.

Thus, I eliminated about 35% of my family from my life. (No one in my immediate family was cut--two sets of aunts/uncles and a raft of distant cousins and other shirttale relatives got booted from my life.)

Since that time, I have been much happier. I still get some crap about how I am a bad person for refusing to talk to certain family members, but hey! I say, "It's my life. My decision is final. (For now at least.) Why would I let people who exclusively hurt and degrade me remain in my life?"

So, they don't like it--but, I'm too big to spank. Heh heh.

Otherwise, I try to do as much good as I can for as many people as I can and in as many ways as I can.



Sometime, I'll set down my "rules of conduct"--today, I'm too busy.

[[Syl]]

Never do anything for which you would be ashamed to take responsibility.
Question everything.
Be wary of being content.
Be wary of never being content.
Never allow your will or conscience to be subsumed by others.
Seek out and understand your limitations.
Seek out and understand your potential.

[lurch]

...There is no way I can keep this short. So, bail now and save yourself from whatever you fear from my posts.
..Ethics has always been of concern for me,,at least as far back as I can remember concerning when the lite turned on that there was such a thing or two called Ethics and Morals. I suppose, guilt makes for a good memory. Looking back,,imho..it all boils down to the Golden Rule. The lists all sprout from the Golden Rule Tree. do onto others, as you would have done onto you. To the best of my understanding , all major religions have that creed established in some shape manner or form. Without it at the foundation,,anything that follows just doesn't make it. As dogma of a religion,,or as a understood tenet of behavior for and by an individual, if it ain't there, chances of surviving in the long term dwindle.
...The Corporation i work for got caught a couple of years ago,,basically taking that which was not theirs and using to some advantage in the bidding process to acquire huge govt contracts. As part of the agreement worked out between the Corp and Government, the Corp committed to a yearly training session of each and every employee in Ethics and Morals. Were I work at , the session is referred to the 4 hour White Tent treatment. I live and work in the Phoenix area. THE Ethics training session was decided to be held Corporate wide on the same day by the Honchos up in Chicago..so thats a quarter million employees,,to go thru the same training in Ethics and Morals all on the same day..Mind you theCorporate I work for is world wide,,all because a few top exec's pulled a fast one and got caught. Our local cost of doing this even exceeded a million dollars alone. Chicago hdqtrs,,decided July 20th would be the day for atonement...now..how many out there are familiar with Phoenix during July?..now get this..because every body had to be trained the same day..the only way to accomodate the schedule/capacity problem,was to rent large circus type white tents.. I could go on,,but the bottom line was,,4 hours in a tent, sitting on a standard non user friendly fold out chair, during a typical 110 degree summer in the desert day. The portable aircondition units did NOT suffice...now, mind you,,where I work at has no ties whatso ever to the division that the execs who got caught worked for..
...Attitude was aplenty. Then, near mid point,,a tape was shown. Maryanne Jennings,,Business Ethics Professor at Arizona State Univ,,newspaper columnist,,and Republican Stalwart and critiquer..went thru a hour or so presentation on business ethics and made me forget about time and temperature. Quite the Angel...Some things about lies and bad behavior..sooner or later ,,the truth becomes known. ...Its not the orginal sin that gets one in trouble,,its the belief that one can repeat it again and again with out getting caught that always spells doom for the perpetuator.
Its better to admit to a problem or mistake while its small than to try to cover it up, thus making it bigger. Basically tho..on a business level or personal level..it comes down to, doing onto others as you would have done on to you....
...Now...since then a few more Corp Execs have got caught in lies and bad behavior while at work and play. They are gone,,but the rest of us now have to attend another White Tent Treatment. I was so hopeing for another visitation by the Angel Jennings, but it appears not,,so far. This time it appears more specific,,as in..don't doctor the numbers,,,don't hire and promote your girlfriends who you are having extra marital relationships with..etc.,,,
...My point is..that unethical behavior manifests itself in many various ways .As long as man remains creative,,there will always be a new way to excuse, make exceptions,,or fabricate reasons for unethical decisions and behavior,,and because of that,,i prefer to keep it simple..Old or new it doesn't matter..its all countered with; Do onto others as you would have done on to you....MEL

[Sheol]

Lurch wrote:

..Ethics has always been of concern for me,,at least as far back as I can remember concerning when the lite turned on that there was such a thing or two called Ethics and Morals. I suppose, guilt makes for a good memory. Looking back,,imho..it all boils down to the Golden Rule. The lists all sprout from the Golden Rule Tree. do onto others, as you would have done onto you. To the best of my understanding , all major religions have that creed established in some shape manner or form. Without it at the foundation,,anything that follows just doesn't make it. As dogma of a religion,,or as a understood tenet of behavior for and by an individual, if it ain't there, chances of surviving in the long term dwindle.

I think the Golden Rule is (and no offence is ment is ment toward you Lurch, this is just an opinion) narcissistic and a sign of a weak mind. And it also seems to be a bendable rule to me. It seems people ragard this rule the same way they regard the tenth commandment, thou shalt not kill. If you look at history you can see how seriously religous people take those. It seems that the more devout these people are the more they view the rules and commandments as negotiable.

[Avatar]

Aah, don't forget, it's not a sin if you do it for the glory of god.

Oh yeah, the original commandment wasn't "thou shalt not kill", but rather "thou shalt not murder, a small, but important distinction.

Regardless of what you may think of the "golden rule", it's a fairly safe rule to go by. Of course, it doesn't allow for the masochists, or any other what we would consider deviations" from the norm, but there are worse ways of running a society.

--Avatar

[lurch]

Sheol...Please explain your statements on the Golden Rule being of the weak minded...You give no back up to your conclusion...By observing what other folks have done ,,means what?..Every law ever written has been broken,,you know..the Choice business...
...Are you saying, its a " all for Me" existance?...I will be the first to say that there is a fair amount of Greed easily obervable in todays society..but the Ken lays and likewise, seem to be getting their come-uppance.
.....MEL

[Kymbierlee]

I'm going to post something I just had to do for a college course. I thought it was pretty stupid at the time, but now that I am done, I printed it out and am going to hang it in my office to remind myself of the way I want to be.


Kym’s Personal Mission Statement

My values and beliefs influence who I am as a person and everything I have done and want to do. I will try to be true to myself and exhibit the qualities I feel strongly about every day. I will keep my mission in mind as I go through life and not get bogged down with self doubt or petty criticisms of myself or others. I will live by the following statements:

I will love and protect my family above all other things.

I will cherish my spirituality and remember the Goddess in all things that I do.

I will be a good listener.

I will work hard, and never give up, even when things are tough.

I will be a good friend.

I will be patient.

I will think before I speak.

I will treasure every day, and not spend my time wishing my life away.

I will continue to work toward the betterment of my life, and the world, even if it feels like I am making little impact.

I will do at least one thing to make myself happy every day.

I will do many things to make others happy every day.

I will treat others the way I wish they would treat me.

I will laugh out loud at some point in every day.

I will raise my daughter to be caring, compassionate, tolerant, and open-minded.

I will be strong and independent.

I will look for beauty in the world around me, and take the time to enjoy it.

I will make more quality time to spend with my family.

I will realize my full potential in my career, and my personal life.

I will not tolerate prejudice in myself or others.

I will not turn my back on someone in need of help.

I will not let fear stop me from reaching my goals.

[Sheol]

lurch: Again I will say that I am not making any personal comparisons or trying to apply any of what I say to you. When I said a sign of a weak mind I ment that when people say they live by the golden rule, it gives me the impression that they don't want to and don't have the mental toughness to deal with cruelty (which I also call reality). And other people who say it don't follow it, they still treat other people like crap but what to be treated better. They have no guts at all. It is not a good rule, it makes people soft. It is the reason that this country is dumpy.

And the "by observing what other folks have done," i think you are talking about looking at history part. I am talking about what people did in the past, who said that they lived by these rules. And the church is bent on nostalga, so shouldn't you still be breaking these rules in the name of religion just because it was done by earlier religous zelots?